Questions to Ask 10 Year Olds
Twenty questions for a ten-year-old that get more than a shrug: about their day, what they are into, friendships, what feels unfair, what they are nervous about, and what they think adults get wrong. Each one notes what tends to come back.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What was the best part of your day?
Why ask it
Better than asking how the day was, because it asks for one thing rather than a summary. Ask about the worst part straight afterwards; children answer that one more readily and in more detail.
What made you laugh today?
Why ask it
Easy to answer, and the reply usually contains a name, which gives you the friendship information you were really after. Expect a joke you do not find funny, and laugh anyway.
What are you really into at the moment?
Why ask it
Ten-year-olds go deep on one subject at a time and are used to adults tolerating it rather than asking. Ask a genuine follow-up question about the detail and you will get twenty minutes.
What's the best thing you've watched or read lately, and what happens in it?
Why ask it
The second half is the point: retelling a plot is something they can do at length and with confidence. It also tells you what they are being exposed to without turning into an interrogation about screens.
Who did you sit with at lunch, and what did you talk about?
Why ask it
Specific enough that it cannot be answered with "fine." Changes in the answer over a few weeks are usually the first sign that something has shifted socially.
What are you good at that nobody's noticed yet?
Why ask it
By ten, children are keenly aware of what they are ranked on at school, and it is a short list. This asks about everything outside it, and the answers are often oddly specific skills they are quietly proud of.
What's something you've got better at this year?
Why ask it
Directs attention to progress rather than to talent, which matters at an age where children start deciding they are simply bad at things. If they cannot name anything, offer something you have noticed.
If you were in charge of school for a day, what would you change first?
Why ask it
A hypothetical with a real answer inside it, because they change the thing that actually bothers them. Longer break time is common; anything about a particular lesson or teacher is worth a gentle follow-up.
What's the most unfair thing about being ten?
Why ask it
Fairness is the central preoccupation of this age, so the question opens a subject they have thought about carefully. Listen without defending the rule, then decide later whether it needs defending.
What's a rule at home you'd change, and what would you swap it for?
Why ask it
The swap is the important half: it asks for a proposal rather than a complaint. Children who have to name a replacement often argue themselves into the existing rule.
What do grown-ups get wrong about kids your age?
Why ask it
Positions them as the expert, which they enjoy and rarely get. Expect something about being treated as younger than they are, and take it seriously; at ten it is usually a fair complaint.
What's something you're worried about?
Why ask it
Ask while doing something else, not face to face, and be ready for it to be smaller than you expected or much larger. If they say nothing, say what you were worried about at ten and leave the door open.
What do you do when a friend is upset?
Why ask it
Reveals their working theory of kindness, and it is easier to answer than a question about their own feelings. The answer also tells you what they would want done for them.
Who's the kindest person you know, and what do they do?
Why ask it
Asking what the person does keeps it concrete instead of abstract. It also tells you which behaviour they have noticed and admired, which is often not the one adults are performing.
What's the hardest thing about school right now?
Why ask it
Right now keeps it answerable, where a general question about school gets a general answer. Distinguish carefully between a subject being hard and a situation being hard, because the fixes are different.
If you could learn any skill in a week, what would you pick?
Why ask it
Points at what they want to be able to do rather than what they want to own. Sometimes the answer is a lesson you could actually arrange, which is worth noting.
If someone gave you a hundred dollars, what would you do with it?
Why ask it
Spending plans at this age reveal priorities, generosity and a first sense of saving. Ask what they would do if it were a thousand and watch whether the plan changes in kind or just in scale.
What do you want to be when you're older, and what appeals about it?
Why ask it
The second half rescues a tired question, because the appeal is the real information: being outside, being paid a lot, helping people, not having a boss. The job title will change, the appeal usually does not.
What's something you'd like to try but feel a bit nervous about?
Why ask it
Naming the nerves without being asked to overcome them is the useful part. Anything they mention here is something you can help set up quietly, without turning it into a project.
If you could ask me anything and I had to answer honestly, what would you ask?
Why ask it
Ends by handing over the power, which children of this age find genuinely funny and slightly thrilling. Be ready to answer whatever comes, because refusing once ends the game for good.
Getting More Than One Word Back
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to ask a ten-year-old anything
- Ask about a slot of time rather than a whole day. "What happened at break" works where "how was school" does not.
- Ask side by side while something else is happening: in the car, walking the dog, building something, doing the washing up. Direct eye contact raises the stakes.
- Offer two options when they are stuck. "Was it a good day or a rubbish one" gives them a foothold, and the detail usually follows.
- Accept a shrug the first time. Ask the same thing tomorrow, in different words, and you will often get the answer you wanted today.
- Wait longer than feels comfortable. Children need several seconds to get a sentence together and adults usually fill the gap first.
What ten is like
- Fairness is the organising principle. Most complaints at this age are about inconsistency rather than about the rule itself.
- Comparison has arrived. They know who is best at maths, running and drawing in their class, and they have quietly filed themselves.
- They can handle abstract questions but answer concrete ones better. "Who would you tell" beats "how would you feel."
- Praise in front of other people can be excruciating. Save it for the car.
- Privacy starts here. Some subjects will be answered fully to one adult and not another, and that is normal rather than a problem to solve.
Common pitfalls
The pickup interrogation
Six questions in the first two minutes after school gets you one-word answers for years. Say nothing for the first ten minutes and let them start.
Correcting the answer
If you fix their reasoning, they learn that answering has a cost. Ask a question about it instead: "what makes you say that?"
Turning the funny answer into a family joke
Repeating what they said to a room of adults is the fastest way to close down the sillier, more inventive answers. Keep some of it between you.
Asking what they learned today
It sounds like homework and gets a defensive answer. Ask what surprised them, or what they thought was pointless, and you will hear about the lesson anyway.
Reacting hard to a worry
Alarm teaches them to manage you rather than tell you. Take it in, ask one question, and deal with it visibly but without a drama.
Follow-ups that keep it going
- "And then what happened?" Children are natural narrators and will keep going if you keep the road open.
- "What did the others do?" Talking about a group is easier than talking about themselves, and they usually appear in the story anyway.
- "Show me" instead of "tell me" for anything they have made, watched or practised. Demonstrating is easier than describing at this age.
- Come back to something they told you last week, unprompted. Remembering it is the thing that makes them tell you the next thing.