Questions to Ask a Dying Person
Questions for visiting someone who is dying. They begin with how today has been and what they need in the room, move to memories that are easy to tell, and then to the harder ones about fear, regret and what they want done. Written for family, friends and visitors.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
How are you feeling today?
Why ask it
It asks about today rather than the illness, which makes it answerable. It also lets them tell you this is a bad day, in which case sitting quietly is better than any other question here.
Is there anything you need before we talk?
Why ask it
Pain, thirst and needing to be moved override conversation. Asking first avoids the common situation where someone answers questions while uncomfortable and too polite to mention it.
Would you like to talk, or would you rather I just sat with you?
Why ask it
Offering the choice removes the pressure to perform for a visitor. Many people who are dying are tired of being interviewed, and saying so is easier when the option has been named.
What has today been like?
Why ask it
A day-sized question keeps the scale manageable. The answer often includes things they do not say to family, such as being bored, or dreading the nights.
Who has been in to see you lately?
Why ask it
Visitors are safe ground and tell you a lot: who is present, who has stopped coming, and whether they are being overwhelmed by people or left alone too long.
Is there anyone you want to see, or anyone you would rather not?
Why ask it
The second half is the important part. People are rarely asked who they would prefer to avoid, and being able to say it out loud is a relief, especially if you can then manage the visits.
Is there anything you want in the room: music, the window open, a particular blanket?
Why ask it
Small physical requests are things you can act on the same afternoon. Repeated answers of nothing can also be a sign of low mood rather than contentment, which is worth mentioning to whoever is caring for them.
What do you find yourself thinking about when it is quiet?
Why ask it
Nights and empty hours are when the hard thinking happens. This gives them an opening to talk about dying without you having raised it, and they can decline it easily.
Tell me about the house you grew up in.
Why ask it
Early memory usually stays accessible when recent memory has become unreliable. Rooms, smells and layouts are easy to describe and easy to keep going with small follow-up questions.
What was your first job, and what do you remember about it?
Why ask it
First jobs come with concrete detail: the wage, a difficult boss, something done badly. It is a reliable place to go when a broader question about their life gets a shrug.
What were you like at twenty?
Why ask it
Asking what they were like, rather than what they achieved, invites the person instead of the resume. Family often hear something here they have never been told.
How did you meet the people closest to you?
Why ask it
Leaving the relationship unnamed lets them choose: a spouse, a sibling, a friend from work. That choice is itself information about who has mattered most.
If you had to pick the best stretch of your life, which was it?
Why ask it
A stretch is easier to name than a single best moment. The answer frequently surprises the people who assumed it would be the obvious decade.
What are you most glad you did?
Why ask it
Glad is a lighter word than proud and gets past modesty. Some people answer with something very small, and that is the answer worth writing down.
Is there anything you regret, or anything you would like to put right?
Why ask it
Offer this without pressure. If they do want to talk about a regret, the useful follow-up is whether anything can still be done, and whether they would like help doing it.
Is there something you have never told me that you would like to?
Why ask it
Ask this only if your relationship can hold the answer, and say clearly that they do not have to take it up. Be ready to hear something difficult and to not react to it.
Is there anyone you would like me to pass a message to?
Why ask it
Some things are easier to send than to say in person. Write the words down as they say them, because paraphrase loses whatever mattered about the phrasing.
What are you afraid of?
Why ask it
People are usually afraid of specific things, such as pain, choking or dying alone, rather than of death in general. Naming the specific fear is what allows the people caring for them to address it.
Is there anything you want me to look after, or make sure happens?
Why ask it
Practical worries, from a pet to a debt to a set of tools, sit heavily on people. Writing the list down and reading it back gives the reassurance that it is held somewhere other than in their own head.
What do you want people to know about you?
Why ask it
This is a plainer version of asking about legacy and tends to get a plainer answer. Their own words are also useful later, at a funeral or in conversations with children.
Would you like company, or would you rather rest?
Why ask it
Ask on arrival, every time. Visitors are often more tiring than they realise, and most people will not send someone away unless they are invited to.
Is the pain being managed well enough?
Why ask it
Worth asking directly rather than waiting for them to complain. Many people accept more pain than they need to, and a nurse or doctor can usually adjust it if someone raises it.
Is there anything you want to ask the doctors that hasn't been answered?
Why ask it
People often hold questions back until a family member is in the room. Write the question down and make sure it is put to the medical team rather than answered by you.
Do you want to know what's happening, or would you rather not?
Why ask it
Both answers are legitimate and either can change from week to week. Assuming they want full information, or assuming they do not, is a common way families get this wrong.
Would you like someone here overnight?
Why ask it
Nights are frequently the hardest part and the least discussed. Ask plainly whether they want company, and whether they would rather it were a particular person.
What decisions would you like help with?
Why ask it
Keeps them in charge while acknowledging the effort involved. Answers may be medical, practical, or as small as what to do about a phone contract.
Have you written anything down about your wishes, and where is it?
Why ask it
Advance directives, wills, and funeral instructions are useless if nobody can find them. Ask for the location and who else knows, not for the contents.
Would you like to see a chaplain, a rabbi, an imam, or anyone like that?
Why ask it
Offer without assuming, in either direction. Hospices can usually arrange someone from most traditions, and some people want it who have not practised for decades.
How would you like to be remembered or honoured?
Why ask it
Covers the service, burial or cremation, and whether they want anything at all. Having it in their words spares the family from guessing in the first days after.
Is there anything you want me to do differently when I visit?
Why ask it
Gives them a safe way to say that you talk too much, stay too long, or bring too many people. Most will not raise it unprompted, and it improves every visit after.
Visiting someone who is dying
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you go in
Ask the people caring for them what the day is like
Energy, pain control and lucidity change hour to hour, and medication can make mornings or afternoons better. A nurse or family member can tell you when to come and how long is realistic.
Expect twenty minutes, not an afternoon
Short visits repeated are usually kinder than one long one. Say at the start that you will not stay long, so they do not have to work out how to end it.
Decide what you would regret not saying
Bring one thing of your own: a thank you, an apology, a memory. It does not need to be a speech, and having it ready means you will not leave with it unsaid.
In the room
Follow their lead on the subject of dying
If they raise it, stay with it rather than changing course. If they do not, do not steer them there. Both silence and directness are theirs to choose.
Silence is not a failure
Long pauses are normal when someone is tired or breathless. Holding a hand and saying nothing is a complete visit.
Ask before you write or record
Many people are glad to have their answers kept, and some are not. Ask plainly, and put the phone away if the answer is no.
Do not correct their account
Dates and names may be wrong, and the story may have changed since the last telling. Accuracy is not the point of the conversation.
What not to do
Do not push optimism
Telling someone to stay positive, or that they will beat this, closes the conversation. It leaves them managing your discomfort as well as their own illness.
Do not bring your grief for them to hold
It is reasonable to say that you love them and that this is hard. It is not their job to comfort you, so take the rest of it outside.
Do not work through a list
Three questions in an hour is plenty. Asking them in order, one after another, turns a visit into an interview.
Do not save the important thing for next time
There may not be a next time, and lucid stretches shorten. If something matters, say it on this visit.