Questions to Ask a Potential College Roommate
The short list of questions people avoid in July and wish they had asked by October. They are about partners staying over, money owed between you, drinking and smoking in the room, what a previous roommate would say about them, and the things each of you genuinely cannot live with. If you want the whole conversation rather than the difficult end of it, the full pre move-in set is longer and gentler.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How would you feel about a partner staying over regularly?
Why ask it
This is the single most common source of roommate resentment and the least often raised in advance. Ask for a number of nights rather than a feeling.
If your partner was here a lot, would they be using our things?
Why ask it
Showers, food, the fridge and the sofa all get used by a guest who is effectively living there. Better to hear the answer now.
How much drinking in the room would be normal for you?
Why ask it
Answers range widely and neither extreme is wrong, but the mismatch is hard to fix later. Ask what a bad night looks like for them.
Do you smoke or vape, and would you do it in the room?
Why ask it
People often answer the first half only. Ask both parts and ask about the window.
What do you do when someone owes you money?
Why ask it
The response tells you whether small shared costs will become a problem. It is a safe way into the subject of money.
If I could not pay my share of something on time, what would you want me to do?
Why ask it
Setting the expectation before it happens takes the shame out of it. It also reveals how tight their own budget is.
How tidy are you honestly, rather than how tidy you intend to be?
Why ask it
Everyone describes themselves as reasonably tidy. Asking for the honest version usually gets a laugh and then the truth.
How long would dishes or laundry sit before it bothered you?
Why ask it
A timescale is something you can hold each other to. Two different numbers is fine as long as you both know them.
What would your last roommate or sibling say you are like to live with?
Why ask it
It gets an outside view without asking them to criticise themselves. The complaints they repeat are the ones you should believe.
What went wrong the last time you shared a space?
Why ask it
Everyone has something. A person who says nothing ever went wrong has either not shared or is not saying.
Has anyone told you that you are difficult to live with, and what did they mean?
Why ask it
Blunt, and it works better than it sounds if you offer your own answer first. The reply tells you a lot either way.
What do you do when you are annoyed: say it, text it, or go quiet?
Why ask it
Silent resentment ruins more rooms than noise does. Knowing their style tells you how to read the next three months.
What are you like when you are stressed or in a bad mood?
Why ask it
Exam weeks show people at their worst. Asking in advance makes it easier to be patient later.
What is the one thing you genuinely cannot live with?
Why ask it
Ask for a single item, so it is a real answer and not a list. Whatever they say is the rule you should keep.
Is there anything about your health or routine I need to know?
Why ask it
Allergies, medication, sleep conditions and anxiety are all easier discussed calmly in advance. Offer yours first.
Is there anything you would not want me to tell other people?
Why ask it
Roommates learn things about each other quickly. Agreeing on privacy early is a small conversation that prevents a large one.
If one of us wanted to move out, how would you want that handled?
Why ask it
It happens, and it is far less painful when it has been discussed while everyone is friendly. Agree that saying so early is allowed.
Is there anything you are worried about asking me?
Why ask it
This hands them the floor and usually produces the question they have been avoiding. It is the fastest way to finish the awkward part.
What would make you say this is not working?
Why ask it
It sets a shared threshold rather than leaving each of you guessing. It also makes an early conversation feel normal rather than dramatic.
Do you want to be friends, or would you rather we live together well?
Why ask it
Both are fine answers and the mismatch is what causes hurt feelings. Ask it last, once everything else is on the table.
Turning the answers into a workable arrangement
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Having the conversation
Do it on a video call, not over text
Tone does not survive messaging, and the questions about guests, mess, and drinking read as accusations in writing. A twenty minute call in August prevents most of what goes wrong in September.
Answer first, then ask
Say your own habit before you ask theirs: I am up at seven and I am loud in the morning, what about you. Leading with your own inconvenient truth is what makes the other person honest instead of agreeable.
Check the housing rules before you buy anything
Most residence halls limit fridge size, ban certain appliances and candles, and provide some furniture. Read the list your school sends and split the shopping, or you will arrive with two microwaves and nowhere to put either.
Expect the answers to be partly wrong
People describe the version of themselves they intend to be, and nobody is deliberately lying. Treat this conversation as the opening position and plan to revisit it a month in, once you both know what actually happens.
What to write down in the first week
- Quiet hours on weeknights and weekends, and what quiet means: headphones, no calls in the room, lights off
- Guest rules: how much notice, how late, and how many nights someone can stay
- What is shared and what is not, including food, and whether asking is required each time
- Cleaning: who does what, how often, and the deadline for dishes and laundry left out
- Temperature, window, and fan defaults, so nobody adjusts things silently at 2am
- For an apartment: whose name is on each bill, the day money moves, and how a shortfall is handled
- How you will raise a problem, and an agreement that neither of you takes the first mention of one personally
- What happens over breaks and at the end of the year with shared appliances and furniture
The first two weeks set the defaults
- Whatever you tolerate silently in week one becomes the norm, so mention small things while they are still small.
- Say the specific behavior and the effect, not the character: the light was on until two and I have an 8am, rather than you are inconsiderate.
- Give a heads-up before you break your own agreement, since a warned exception is not a violation.
- Do not litigate a complaint by text at 1am; wait for daylight and say it in person.
- Do not use mutual friends as messengers, which turns a two-person problem into a group one.
- Notice what they do for you and say so once, because roommates who feel appreciated absorb far more inconvenience.
If it is not working
Ask for a reset conversation
Propose a fifteen minute talk with two specific requests each, at a set time rather than in the middle of an incident. Most roommate problems are two unspoken habits, and a single direct conversation resolves them.
Bring in your RA earlier than feels necessary
Resident advisers mediate this constantly and usually have a roommate agreement form for exactly this purpose. Involving them is not an escalation to punishment, and doing it in October is far more effective than requesting a room change in December.
Know how a room change actually works
Most schools have a freeze period at the start of a term, a form, and a waiting list, so find out the process and the dates before you need them. In an apartment, read the lease for subletting and joint liability, because your name stays attached to the rent regardless of who moves out.
Treat safety differently from friction
Threats, theft, sustained harassment, or anything that makes you afraid in your own room is not a compatibility problem and does not belong in a negotiation. Document it, report it to housing or campus security, and ask to be moved.