Questions to Ask a Teenager About Life
Questions to ask a teenager about life, for parents, relatives and mentors who want a real conversation and not a progress report. They are grouped by subject: how life is going now, who they are becoming, friends, the future, hard days, and what they need from you.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Life now
What is the best thing in your life right now?
Why ask it
Opening a talk about life with what is going well shows you what they would want protected. It may be a person, a team, a place or one evening of the week. Ask after it again in a month, because a best thing that has quietly disappeared is worth knowing about.
What has been on your mind the most lately?
Why ask it
It leaves the subject open and does not assume the answer is school. You may hear something that sounds small to an adult: a group chat, a falling-out, a deadline. Treat it as the size it is to them, because waving it away is the quickest way to end the conversation.
What do you like about being a teenager, and what would you happily skip?
Why ask it
Asking for the good side as well keeps this from being an invitation to complain. Whichever side they answer faster tells you which way the year is leaning. Do not reply with what you would give to be their age again.
What is the hardest part of a normal week for you?
Why ask it
An ordinary week gets a more honest answer than a question about crises. Listen for what kind of thing it is: one class, the journey to school, a time of day, a person. Some of those can actually be changed, so ask whether they would want you to try.
What are you looking forward to at the moment?
Why ask it
It can be as close as Friday or as far off as a summer trip, and either one tells you what is carrying them through the week. If nothing comes, do not fill the gap with suggestions. Notice it, and ask again in a week or two.
How has this year gone compared with what you expected?
Why ask it
"How are you" asks them to sum up a mood, and the automatic reply is "fine". This gives them a comparison to work from, which is easier. Follow it with which part surprised them most.
What would you change about school if it were up to you?
Why ask it
School fills most of their waking week, so there will be an opinion. It might be the start time, the amount of homework, one teacher or where they have to sit. Find out whether it is an annoyance or something that makes them dread going in, because only the second needs you to do anything.
If tomorrow could go exactly how you wanted, what would be in it?
Why ask it
A perfect day is a list of what they would pick if nobody else were picking. Count how much of it is already in their week. If almost none of it is, ask which piece would be easiest to add, and start there.
What are you so into right now that you could explain it to me for an hour?
Why ask it
It may be a game, a band or a corner of the internet you have never heard of. Ask to be shown, not told, and let them be the one who knows more. Ten minutes as the expert does a lot for someone who spends all day being taught.
How much of your week is actually yours to decide?
Why ask it
Between lessons, homework, practice and family plans, the honest answer can be a few hours. A teenager who feels they run none of their own week will often fight hardest over the small things they do control: their room, their clothes, when they go to bed.
Yourself
What are you good at that school does not measure?
Why ask it
Grades cover a narrow set of skills, and a teenager can go a long time without hearing about any other kind. You might get cooking, fixing a bike, calming a friend down or reading a room. Bring it up again around exams, when marks are all anyone is talking about.
What do you like most about who you are right now?
Why ask it
The answer at thirteen and the answer at seventeen will not match, which is why the question says right now. Expect something modest: being a good listener, not giving up on things, making people laugh. Remember it, because it is the trait they would most like you to have noticed.
Where are you, and what are you doing, when you feel most like yourself?
Why ask it
Asking for the place and the activity gets something concrete: the pool, the bus home with headphones in, a sketchbook open. Listen for whether they are alone in it or with someone. Whatever it is, it should be the last thing cut when the week gets overloaded.
What is something you did this year that you are quietly proud of?
Why ask it
"Quietly" gives permission to name something small that nobody noticed. Often it is not an achievement at all but sticking up for someone, or getting through a bad month. Say it back to them once, later, on a day when they are doubting themselves.
What matters to you more than it seems to matter to other people your age?
Why ask it
This asks about values without using the word. You might hear fairness, loyalty, animals, faith, or being left alone to make things. It can also show you where they feel out of step with their friends, which is tiring to carry and rarely mentioned.
Is there anyone you look at and think, I would like to be a bit like that?
Why ask it
The person named is as likely to be a cousin, a coach or someone two years ahead of them as anyone famous. Ask what exactly they admire. The quality they pick, being calm, being funny, not minding what people think, is usually one they are trying to grow in themselves.
What makes you properly happy, not just distracted?
Why ask it
They will know the difference at once, and can usually sort their own week into the two piles. Never use the answer as ammunition against the distractions. Ask what gets in the way of the first pile.
What did you believe a year or two ago that you do not believe now?
Why ask it
It might be about a band, a friend, a subject they used to hate, or something they once believed because you did. Ask what changed it. If the old opinion was yours, this is a chance to hear the disagreement without it turning into an argument.
What is the best advice anyone has given you, and the worst?
Why ask it
Bad advice is the fun part and usually stars an adult, so be ready to hear your own words quoted back. The advice they kept tells you what kind of help lands with them. It tends to be short, practical and said once.
What would you go back and tell yourself at eleven?
Why ask it
What they would say to a younger self is a report on what the last few years taught them. Often it concerns friends, or caring less about what one particular group thought. If there is a younger sibling or cousin, ask whether they would pass it on.
What do you think the point of life is, so far?
Why ask it
Plenty of teenagers turn this over late at night and assume they are the only one. "So far" tells them a half-finished answer is welcome. You do not need one of your own ready: admitting you are still working on it is more honest than a tidy reply, and it keeps them talking longer.
Friends
What is your friendship group actually like at the moment?
Why ask it
Without "actually" you get "fine". Groups can rearrange themselves in a single term, and hearing that they are on the edge of one, or the person holding one together, explains a good deal of behaviour at home.
What do you look for in a friend, and who in your life actually has it?
Why ask it
Here you get their idea of a good friend through real people, which is easier than giving a definition. They may say being able to sit in silence, or knowing nothing will be repeated. If only one or two names come with it, that is normal and it is enough.
How would your friends describe you, and would they be right?
Why ask it
Listen for the distance between the description and the truth. Someone who says they are known as the funny one or the sensible one, and then adds that it is not the whole story, is describing a role they are getting tired of playing.
Has anyone drifted away this year?
Why ask it
Losing a friend without a falling-out is common and rarely mentioned, because nothing happened that feels worth reporting. It can sit behind a flat few weeks that nobody could account for. Do not try to fix it: saying that it sounds sad is usually enough.
When something goes wrong, who is the first person you tell?
Why ask it
The important part is whether they can name anyone at all. A friend, a cousin, a coach or an older sibling is a good answer even if it is not you. "Nobody, I just deal with it" is the answer to follow up on gently and not let pass.
Is there anyone you have to act differently around, and how tiring is it?
Why ask it
Keeping a slightly different self for each group is common at this age, and they will know exactly which one costs the most effort. If the tiring one turns out to be the self they bring home, treat that as information and not as an insult.
What have you learned about people this year?
Why ask it
A year of school teaches a good deal about who keeps a secret, who changes in a crowd and who turns up. You will probably get one hard-won sentence with a story behind it. Ask for the story once, and if it does not come, leave it there.
What do you make of dating at your age: something you want, or something people expect?
Why ask it
Put as an opinion so they can answer without reporting on their own life. Being interested, not being interested and feeling behind are all ordinary. Whatever they say, do not follow it by asking about a particular person.
Future
How much pressure do you feel about what comes after you finish school?
Why ask it
Ask this before you ask about the plans themselves. If the pressure is already high, a question about the plan lands as more of it, and you get a defensive answer to something you meant kindly. Ask where the pressure comes from too: school, home, friends or their own head.
Do you feel like you are supposed to have it figured out by now?
Why ask it
A yes is common, and saying it out loud is a relief. It also gives you an opening to be specific about how long it took you, or people you know, to arrive anywhere, which is more useful than general reassurance.
If you had to guess today, what do you think you will end up doing for work?
Why ask it
"If you had to guess" takes away the commitment that makes the usual career question so hard. Treat the answer as a snapshot. Then ask what draws them to it: the work itself, the money, or the fact that someone they like does it.
What would you do with a free year and enough money to live on?
Why ask it
Take away money and the deadlines for exams and applications, and you see what is underneath the plan. Travelling, making something and doing nothing at all are all real answers. Hear it as information about what interests them, and do not point out the practical problems.
What does a good life look like to you at thirty?
Why ask it
Answers tend to be about circumstances more than careers: where they live, who is around, whether they are stressed. Listen for which of your own assumptions has turned up in the picture, a house, a degree, children, and which ones are missing.
What do you think counts as success, and where did you pick that idea up?
Why ask it
Where the idea came from is the real conversation. Ideas of success arrive from home, from school and from whoever they follow online, and a teenager can often say which one they are carrying. Should it turn out to be yours, ask whether it fits them.
Which part of adult life looks good from where you are, and which part looks grim?
Why ask it
The grim part is frequently something they have watched you do: the commute, the bills, the tiredness. Hear it without defending yourself. The good part tends to be a freedom of some kind, so ask which one, because some freedoms can be handed over early.
Where would you like to live one day: near here, or as far away as possible?
Why ask it
Light enough to answer in a second, yet it says a lot about how home feels. Wanting to go far is not a verdict on the family. More often it is an appetite to see what else exists, and the answer is likely to change more than once.
What do you want to understand about money before you have to handle it alone?
Why ask it
Money is often understood to be stressful long before anyone explains how it works. Rent, tax, debt and saving are common answers. Show them something real, a bill or a bank statement, and where the rules depend on where you live, look them up together.
What is one thing you want to have done before you turn twenty?
Why ask it
Short horizons are easier than life goals. Expect something specific: a trip, a driving test, a first gig, a team they want to make. A good many of these are things an adult can help along, so ask what would have to happen first and whether they want you involved at all.
What worries you about the world you are growing up into?
Why ask it
The climate, jobs, the cost of a home, war, what the internet is doing to everyone: they have seen all of it on a screen. Hold back the reassurance. Ask which worry feels closest to their own life, and whether anything makes it feel smaller.
Hard days
What do you do when you feel bad, and does it help?
Why ask it
They get to judge their own way of coping before anyone else does: music, sleep, a run, three hours of scrolling. If what you hear worries you, do not react in the moment. Keep listening, and come back to it privately and calmly afterwards.
When did you last feel properly overwhelmed, and what got you out of it?
Why ask it
The last time is a story with an ending, and a story is easier to tell than a feeling. Note what got them out, whether it was a person, sleep or simply finishing the thing. That is what to offer next time in place of advice.
What do you worry about that you think nobody else your age does?
Why ask it
Often it turns out to be something many people their age worry about too: how they look, whether they are liked, whether they are behind. You cannot prove that to them. If you worried about the same thing, say so in a sentence and let them draw the conclusion.
Who do you compare yourself with, and how do you come out of it?
Why ask it
Comparison is hard to switch off at this age, and it now includes strangers online with better lighting. The detail to catch is who it is with: a best friend, the top of the class, an account they follow. If it is a brother or sister, that one is yours to go away and think about.
What does your phone give you, and what does it cost you?
Why ask it
Give and cost are asked together so that it does not land as a lecture in disguise. Teenagers are often harder on their own phone use than adults expect, as long as the question does not arrive with the conclusion attached. If they name a cost, ask what they would change, and keep your own rule out of it for now.
What mistake taught you something you could not have been told?
Why ask it
The wording admits in advance that advice would not have worked, and that makes it safe to answer. Let the lesson they took stand without improving on it. If the mistake itself is news to you, this is not the moment to react.
What would you like to be braver about?
Why ask it
Speaking up in class, saying no to a friend, trying out for something, walking away from a friendship that has gone sour: much of the courage asked of a teenager is social. Ask what the worst realistic outcome would be, then leave the decision with them.
You and me
What do adults get wrong about your life?
Why ask it
Asked about adults in general, it lets them criticise the whole category without naming you, though some of it will be about you. Expect to hear that adults underestimate how tiring the day is or how public everything feels. Listen without correcting the record.
Which question of mine are you most tired of hearing?
Why ask it
A risky question that usually improves things. You will hear about one specific repeated question: homework, applications, a friend you keep mentioning. Dropping it for a month buys more goodwill than a dozen better conversations.
When you tell me about a problem, do you want help, an opinion, or just someone who knows?
Why ask it
Three options, because adults usually offer only the first two. "Just someone who knows" is a common choice and the hardest to honour. Once it has been asked, you can check each time in four words: help, opinion, or neither?
What do you think you are ready for that I have not noticed yet?
Why ask it
Teenagers grow faster than the rules written for them, and the request is usually reasonable: a later curfew, a train journey alone, running their own money. If you cannot say yes, say what you would need to see first, so the no comes with a way through.
Which rule at home makes the least sense to you?
Why ask it
You will get a specific one: phones out of the bedroom at night, a curfew, a rule that applies to them and not to a brother or sister. Give the reason once, and if you cannot find one that still holds, say so. Agreeing to look at it again on a named date is a fair answer.
What could I do more of that would actually help?
Why ask it
Ask it plainly and then be quiet. The answers are usually concrete and manageable: more time with just the two of you, being driven somewhere with no questions on the way, being trusted about one specific thing. Asking and then not acting is worse than not asking.
What would you like to know about what my life was like at your age?
Why ask it
This hands the questions to them, which is only fair after they have answered yours. Answer honestly, including the parts that do not flatter you, and keep it short. If they have nothing to ask, do not tell the story anyway.
Is there anything you have wanted to talk about but not known how to bring up?
Why ask it
Leave this until the end, and accept a no without pushing. Having been asked once tends to matter later, and a teenager who says not right now has been told the door is open, which is most of what this question is for.
How to have this conversation
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting it up
Sit side by side rather than face to face
Car journeys, washing up, walking the dog and late evenings all work better than a conversation announced in advance. Removing eye contact lowers the stakes, and a teenager who can end the conversation by getting out of the car is more likely to start one.
Ask two or three, not the list
Two or three questions in a conversation is plenty, and one that gets a real answer is better than three that do not. Working through the list in order turns into an interview, and the later questions here need a level of trust that does not survive the sense of being processed.
Pick the group that fits the day
The list is grouped so you can start wherever the moment is. Life now and Yourself are safe almost anywhere, including a car with other people in it. Friends goes better when no friend, brother or sister can overhear. Keep Future away from the day exam results arrive and the evening after a bad grade, when every question about plans sounds like a verdict. Hard days and You and me need privacy and no clock running, and they work best one question at a time.
Do not open with the thing you are worried about
If you are anxious about grades, the phone, or a particular friend, start somewhere else. Leading with your concern tells them the conversation has a purpose, and everything after that will be answered defensively.
While they are talking
- Let the silences run. Teenagers often answer properly on the second attempt, after the short version.
- Ask what happened next rather than offering a solution. Most of these questions need a listener, not a plan.
- Do not correct the facts. Being told they are wrong about their own experience ends the conversation reliably.
- Keep your face steady if you hear something alarming. Reaction in the moment is what stops the next disclosure.
- Take a no. Refusing to answer is a legitimate response, and respecting it is why they will answer something else later.
Things that shut it down
Turning the answer into a lesson
Following an honest answer with what you learned at their age converts a conversation into a lecture. Save the parallel for a different day, or let them ask for it.
Repeating it to other people
Anything said in one of these conversations that reappears at dinner, or in front of a brother or sister, may be the last thing you hear for a while. A teenager who learns that what they say travels will stop saying it.
Acting on it visibly and immediately
Telling you about a friendship problem and then finding you have contacted the school teaches them the cost of talking. Unless there is a safety issue, agree what happens next with them first.
If you hear something serious
If a teenager tells you something that suggests they are being harmed, or thinking about harming themselves, stay calm and stay with the conversation before you move to solutions. Thank them for telling you, ask how long it has been going on, and say plainly that you want to get some help alongside them. Do not promise to keep it secret. Then get advice the same day. Who to call depends on where you live: a family doctor, the school or a local crisis line are common places to start, and the emergency number is the one to use if anyone is in immediate danger.