Questions to Ask About Bullying
Questions to ask about bullying, for a parent, teacher or other trusted adult talking with a child. The first group is about bullying in general and works with any child, or with a whole class. Everyday check-ins come next, for when you suspect something and nothing has been said. After those come what is happening (online included), how the child is coping and what you agree to do next, and the list ends with a short run to put to the school.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
In general
What does the word bullying mean to you?
Why ask it
Their definition shows what they would report and what they would wave off as normal. A child who thinks it only means hitting may be putting up with months of name-calling or being frozen out without ever counting it.
Have you ever been bullied, at this school or an earlier one?
Why ask it
Ask it straight at least once. Adding an earlier school lets them begin in the past, which is easier to admit to than this week, and you can follow by asking whether anything like it is happening now. A no settles less than it seems, because plenty of children do not use the word for what is being done to them.
Have you seen anyone at school being picked on or left out?
Why ask it
Describing what happens to someone else is far easier than describing what happens to you, so this is often where a child starts. Listen for how close the story sits: the same class, the same table or the same few names can mean it is nearer to home than it sounds.
What do you do when you see someone being picked on?
Why ask it
A lot of children do nothing and feel bad about it, so ask without any edge in your voice. An honest answer opens a practical talk about small things that carry little risk, such as sitting with the person afterwards or fetching an adult.
Who would you tell if someone was bullying you?
Why ask it
The name they give is the person to bring in first if something does come up, whether that is you, a teacher or an older cousin. Take "nobody" or "I would sort it out myself" seriously, and ask what they think would happen if they did tell.
Why do you think some kids bully others?
Why ask it
Talking about reasons in general is safe ground, and their theory often turns out to be a description of someone specific. It also lets you say, before anything has been disclosed, that the cause sits with the person doing it.
How can you tell when teasing has stopped being a joke?
Why ask it
Children usually know the line: it stops being a joke when one person is no longer laughing, or when it carries on after they ask for it to stop. Hearing them say it gives you their own test to return to when they later describe something as only messing around.
Is telling an adult the same as snitching?
Why ask it
Among children the rule against telling can be enforced harder than any school rule, and you will not argue them out of it in one go. One distinction that tends to hold up: snitching is meant to get someone into trouble, and telling is meant to get someone out of it. Ask which of the two reporting a bully would be.
Is bullying online different from bullying face to face?
Why ask it
Their view of cyberbullying shows how much of their social life runs through a screen and what they have already watched happen there. Expect to hear that it follows you home, that more people see it, or that people type things they would never say out loud. If the description is detailed, ask whether it is something they have seen happen.
Have you ever stood up for someone, and how did that go?
Why ask it
If it went well, they have learned it can be done. If it turned the attention onto them, that explains a later silence, and it deserves real credit and not a lecture about staying out of things.
Have you ever joined in, or laughed along, when someone was being picked on?
Why ask it
A child can be on more than one side of this, often because joining in feels safer than being next. A yes that is offered freely calls for a calm talk about what to do differently. A punishment mostly teaches them to answer no next time.
What do teachers at your school do when they see bullying?
Why ask it
This is the school's response as it looks from a child's height. "They tell us to sort it out ourselves" or "they never see it" explains why nothing has been reported, and it is useful to carry into a meeting with the school.
What do you wish adults understood about bullying?
Why ask it
Common answers are that adults make it worse by charging in, or that "just ignore them" does not work. Whatever they tell you is an instruction for how to handle the rest of this conversation.
Check-ins
How was today? What was the best part and the worst part?
Why ask it
Asking for a worst part gives permission to say something negative without having to announce that there is a problem. Children who answer every open question with "fine" will often name one small thing when the question comes in two halves.
Who did you sit with at lunch?
Why ask it
Lunch and break usually have fewer adults around than a classroom does, so being left out tends to show there before it shows anywhere else. An answer that changes every day, or a quick insistence that sitting alone was a choice, is worth returning to later rather than challenging now.
Do you feel safe at school?
Why ask it
Expect a quick yes, and let the follow-up do the work: is that true all day and everywhere, or only in lessons? A no, or a long pause before the yes, is the point to drop the small talk and ask plainly what has been going on.
Is there anywhere at school you try to avoid?
Why ask it
Avoidance maps the problem onto places and times: a corridor, the changing rooms, the bus, the last ten minutes of break. A place is easier to name than a person, and a school can put an adult there without anyone having been accused.
What is the trip to and from school like?
Why ask it
The bus, the walk and the school gate are easy to leave out of a conversation about the school day, and often no adult is in charge of them. A child who has started asking for a lift, leaving early or taking the long way round is telling you something even when the answer is "fine".
If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?
Why ask it
A wish is easier to voice than a complaint. Most answers are about homework or the food, but "I wish break was shorter" or "I wish I was in a different class" points at a person or a place, and you can ask what would be better about the change.
Has anyone been unkind to you lately?
Why ask it
"Unkind" can get a yes from a child who would say no to "bullied", a word that feels like a label on them and not on the other person. Keep the wording this broad, and let the details come when they come.
What happened
What exactly do they say or do?
Why ask it
Exact words and actions let you judge how serious this is without guessing, and a school can do more with specifics than with a report that someone is being mean. Write down what you are told in their words, not yours.
Is it one person, or a group?
Why ask it
A group usually has one or two children leading and several going along, and the ones going along are often the easiest for a school to draw away. One child acting alone is a different problem, and sometimes points to something going on with that child.
When and where did it happen most recently?
Why ask it
One recent incident is easier to remember accurately than a pattern, and a date, a place and a time is the form a school can check against a timetable or a duty rota. Start with the latest one and work backwards only as far as they are willing to go.
How long has this been going on?
Why ask it
Duration separates a bad week from a pattern, and it tells you how long they have been carrying this by themselves. If the answer is months, they have also spent months deciding not to tell you, which is worth noting without any reproach.
How often does it happen: most days, or now and then?
Why ask it
Repetition is usually what a school policy uses to tell bullying from a single falling-out, so the answer shapes how a report gets handled. Do not assume "now and then" is the lighter answer: not knowing which day it will come can wear a child down as much as knowing it will.
Has anyone hit, pushed or hurt you, or taken or broken your things?
Why ask it
The physical part sometimes gets left out, because a child expects an adult to overreact to it. If the answer is yes, photograph any marks or damage that day, have an injury looked at, and tell the school promptly. Whether it is also a matter for the police depends on where you live, so ask how that works there.
Is anyone leaving you out on purpose, or telling others not to talk to you?
Why ask it
Exclusion and rumors leave no bruise and no screenshot, so they are the hardest kind to prove and the kind children are least sure counts. Ask for instances: a party everyone else was at, a seat pulled away, a table that goes quiet when they sit down.
Who else sees it happen?
Why ask it
Other children who saw it give a school something to check beyond one child's word against another's, and you also learn whether an adult was nearby. If it only ever happens out of adult sight, say so when you report it, because it suggests the moments are being chosen.
Is any of it about your race, your religion, a disability, or something else about who you are?
Why ask it
This kind tends to cut deeper because it goes after something a child cannot change and should not have to. Many schools handle it under a separate harassment or discrimination policy with its own duties, and those differ by country and state, so ask the school which policy applies.
Did any of them use to be your friend?
Why ask it
A former friend is the hardest person to report, because naming them means giving up on getting them back. If the answer is yes, expect your child to defend that person, and move slowly.
Does any of this happen on your phone or online?
Why ask it
Online, the contact continues after school and follows them into the evening and the bedroom. Ask to be shown rather than told, and ask them not to delete anything yet, because screenshots are what a school or a platform will want.
Which apps, games or group chats does it happen in?
Why ask it
Each platform has its own way to block, mute and report, so the name tells you what you can do tonight. Game chats and group chats that parents never open are easy to overlook, and being removed from a chat, or having one set up without them, belongs in the answer too.
Do you know who is behind the account, or is it anonymous?
Why ask it
An anonymous account frightens in a particular way, because it could be anyone in the room. Do not turn detective, and do not reply from their account. Save what is there, report it to the platform, and pass the account name to the school along with the screenshots.
Has anyone shared a photo, a video or a private message of yours without asking?
Why ask it
Something that is being passed around keeps doing damage after the original moment, so speed matters here more than anywhere else on the list. Stay calm whatever it shows and ask the platform to take it down. If it is a private picture, ask the school or the police how to report it before you copy or forward it yourself, because the rules on that differ by country.
Have you sent anything back that you are worried about?
Why ask it
The online part can stay hidden because they replied in kind and expect to lose the phone or share the blame. Say first that they are not in trouble with you for answering back, and then hear it. It is better that you know before the school does.
Feelings
How do you feel on Sunday night, or on the way in each morning?
Why ask it
Dread keeps a timetable. Feeling sick on Sunday evening and fine by Friday afternoon points at school, and a child who cannot put a name to the feeling can usually tell you when it starts.
How have you been sleeping and eating?
Why ask it
Worry that a child cannot put into words can show up as broken sleep, a lost appetite, headaches or stomach aches. If you notice a change that lasts, mention it to your doctor, and tell the school as well, since it is something specific they can put on record.
On a scale of one to ten, how bad was this week?
Why ask it
A number is easier to give than a description, especially for a child who answers everything with a shrug. Ask again next week in the same words: the direction it moves in tells you whether what you and the school are doing is working.
Is there anything you have stopped doing or going to because of this?
Why ask it
A club dropped, a team quit, a bus swapped for a long walk: each one shows how far the problem has spread beyond the moments it happens. It also hands you a list of things to win back, which is a more hopeful measure of progress than counting incidents.
Do you ever think any of this is your fault?
Why ask it
Some children quietly decide they brought it on themselves by being too quiet, too loud or too different. Hear the whole theory before you answer it, then say plainly that nothing about them makes this acceptable. Reassurance that arrives before they have finished tends to bounce off.
Have you ever felt so bad that you thought about hurting yourself?
Why ask it
Ask it plainly and without alarm, once they have told you how bad things are. A direct question gives a child who has had those thoughts a way to say so, which a hint does not. If the answer is yes, or you cannot tell, stay with them and contact your doctor or a crisis line that day, and call the emergency number if they are in danger now.
Who or what helps you feel better afterwards?
Why ask it
You are looking for what is already holding them up: a friend, a pet, a game, an hour alone. Protect those things while this is being sorted out, and take note if the answer is that nothing does.
Next steps
What have you already tried, and did any of it help?
Why ask it
Their attempts deserve credit even where they failed, and knowing what has been tried stops you suggesting the same thing again. If fighting back or ignoring it made things worse, that shapes what you plan next.
Have you told anyone at school, and what happened after that?
Why ask it
You find out whether the school already knows, and how it responded. If a report was made and nothing followed, that is a specific fact with a date attached, and it carries more weight in a meeting than a general complaint.
What are you afraid will happen if we tell someone?
Why ask it
Fear of making things worse is a common reason children ask adults to do nothing. Naming the particular fear, whether it is payback, being called a snitch or losing a friend group, lets you plan around it and promise only what you can deliver.
What would you like me to do, and what would you rather I did not do?
Why ask it
Being asked returns some control to a child who has had very little. Note what they ask you to avoid, and if you have to act against their wishes because they are not safe, tell them before you do it rather than afterwards.
Which adult at school would you be all right with me telling?
Why ask it
A report lands better with a person your child has chosen than with whoever happens to answer the phone. If they pick the art teacher or a lunch supervisor over the principal, start there and let that adult bring in whoever the school requires.
What could you say next time, and shall we practice it?
Why ask it
A short line said flatly and a place to walk to are easier to manage under pressure than a clever comeback. Keep to words they would really use, rehearse them out loud a couple of times, and be clear that walking away to find an adult counts as the plan working.
What would make tomorrow a bit easier?
Why ask it
Small practical changes lower the daily cost while the larger problem is being dealt with: a different route, a place to be at break, a reason to leave a class early, a phone kept in a bag rather than a pocket. Let them pick one, and if it needs the school's help, ask for that one thing by name.
Would it help to talk to someone else about this, like the school counselor?
Why ask it
Some things are easier to say to an adult who is not your parent, and making the offer is not the same as handing them off. What is available differs from school to school and place to place, so ask the school and your doctor what there is. If the answer is no, leave the offer open and make it again in a few weeks.
Can we agree how you will tell me if it happens again?
Why ask it
An agreed signal, a text, a word, a note left on the counter, means the next incident does not depend on them finding the courage to start this conversation from the beginning again.
The school
What does your bullying policy say happens after a report like this one?
Why ask it
Many schools have a written policy, and in some places the law requires one, though the rules differ by country and state. Ask for a copy and for the steps in order, so that later you can ask which step you are on instead of whether anything is happening.
Who is our contact for this, and what is the best way to reach them?
Why ask it
A report with no owner drifts between the class teacher, the counselor and the front office. One name and one email address means every later incident goes to the same person, who can watch the pattern build.
What will change this week at break, at lunch and on the way home?
Why ask it
It asks for supervision in the places your child named, which a school can arrange quickly, and not for a verdict on the other children, which takes longer. If the proposal is to move your child to another seat, class or lunch table, ask why the one on the receiving end is the one being moved.
How will you look into it without showing who told you?
Why ask it
This is usually the fear that kept your child quiet, so bring home a real answer. Staff can sometimes act on what they see for themselves once they know where to stand, or speak to several children and not only one. Ask which they intend, and tell your child before it happens.
Does the school deal with what happens online or outside school hours?
Why ask it
A group chat at nine in the evening is outside the school day, yet it involves the same children who share a classroom the next morning. How far a school can act on it depends on its policy and on local law, so ask how it works there and what they need from you, which is usually the screenshots.
What will you be able to tell me about the outcome?
Why ask it
Schools often cannot share what was done about another family's child, which can feel as though nothing happened. Ask what they can tell you instead: that it was looked into, that steps were taken, and what your child should notice changing.
When will we hear from you, and when do we meet again to review it?
Why ask it
A date turns a sympathetic meeting into a commitment. A couple of weeks is usually long enough to see whether anything changed and short enough to replace a plan that is not working. Put the date in your follow-up email.
What happens if it carries on after you have dealt with it?
Why ask it
Ask before you need to. The school should be able to describe the next level, and you should leave knowing who sits above the person in front of you, whether that is a principal, a governing board or a district office. How a complaint moves up varies, so ask how it works there.
Having the Conversation, and What Follows It
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Choosing from the list
Start with the general questions when nothing has been said
The In general group works with a child who has disclosed nothing, at the dinner table or after something in the news. It lets a child talk about bullying as a subject, see how you react to it, and decide whether you are safe to tell.
Ask a few, over several days
Nobody should hear this whole list in one sitting. Two or three of the Check-ins across a week tell you whether there is something to ask about, and the What happened questions only belong once a child has said that there is. Stop when they have had enough, even if you have not.
With a class or a group, keep to the subject
In a classroom, a club or a survey, stay with the In general group and leave out the ones that ask whether a child has been bullied or has joined in. Nobody should have to answer those in front of the others. Say how a child can reach you privately afterwards, and be where you said you would be.
Take their answers to the school, not your summary
The questions under The school are for the adult to ask, and they go better with specifics in hand: the most recent date, the places, who saw it, the screenshots. Agree with your child beforehand what you will pass on and what you will hold back.
During the conversation
Sit alongside something else
Driving, walking the dog, washing up, or a shared task removes the pressure of eye contact and the feeling of being questioned. Many children will say more in a car than they ever will across a table.
Let silences run
The pause after a hard question is usually the moment a child decides whether to say the next part. Filling it with another question, or with reassurance, ends that process. Wait longer than feels comfortable.
Keep your reaction small
Visible anger, even anger on their behalf, teaches a child that telling you creates a new problem to manage. React to the disclosure calmly in the moment and take the feelings elsewhere afterwards.
Do not promise secrecy
If you are a teacher or a coach you may have a duty to report, depending on where you work, and any adult may have to act if a child is unsafe. Say early that you will not act without telling them first, which is a promise you can actually keep.
After the conversation
- Write down dates, times, places, names, and quotes while you still remember them.
- Keep screenshots of messages and posts, with the sender and the date visible.
- Put your report to the school in writing, even after a phone call, so a record exists.
- Ask the school for a specific plan, a named contact, and a date to review it.
- Ask what will be done to keep your child from being identified as the person who reported it.
- Tell your child what you did and what the school said, so nothing happens behind them.
- Check in again in a few days, whether or not anything has changed.
Common pitfalls
Advising them to stand up for themselves
It places responsibility for a group's behavior on one child, and where there is a size or numbers difference it can be dangerous. If they have already tried it and it made things worse, saying it again mainly teaches them not to tell you things.
Contacting the other child or their parents directly
It tends to escalate, can turn into a dispute between adults, and can get in the way of whatever the school does next. Go through the school, and keep your own record of what you reported and when.
Removing the phone as a solution
For many children the phone is also where their friendships and support live, so confiscating it can double as a punishment for telling you. Address the specific accounts and platforms instead, and involve them in deciding how.
Treating one conversation as the end of it
Children tend to tell in stages, and the hardest details can come weeks later. Leave the subject open, ask again without making it an interrogation, and let them see that telling you did not cost them anything.