Questions to Ask About Bullying
Questions for a parent, teacher, or other trusted adult talking with a child who may be being bullied: how to open the conversation, what to ask about what is happening, how to check on their wellbeing, and how to agree what happens next.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How was today? What was the best part and the worst part?
Why ask it
Asking for a worst part gives permission to say something negative without having to announce that there is a problem. Children who answer every open question with "fine" will often name one small thing when the question comes in two halves.
Who did you sit with at lunch?
Why ask it
Lunch and break are the least supervised parts of the day, so exclusion shows up there first. An answer that changes every day, or a quick insistence that sitting alone was a choice, is worth returning to later rather than challenging now.
Is there anywhere at school you try to avoid?
Why ask it
Avoidance maps the problem onto places and times: a corridor, the changing rooms, the bus, the last ten minutes of break. Children will often name a place long before they will name a person, and a school can act on places.
Who do you count on when something goes wrong there?
Why ask it
One reliable person at school is among the strongest protections a child can have. If the answer is that there is nobody, that is the most important thing you have learned, and it tells the school where to begin.
Has anyone been unkind to you lately?
Why ask it
Children say yes to "unkind" more readily than to "bullied", because the second word carries an implication about themselves that they resist. Keep the wording broad and let the specifics arrive in their own time.
What do they actually say or do?
Why ask it
Exact words and actions let you judge how serious this is without guessing, and schools respond far more reliably to specifics than to a report that someone is being mean. Write down what you are told in their words, not yours.
How long has this been going on?
Why ask it
Duration separates a bad week from a pattern, and it tells you how long they have been carrying this by themselves. If the answer is months, they have also spent months deciding not to tell you, which is worth noting without any reproach.
Who else sees it happen?
Why ask it
Witnesses matter for any school response, and the answer also shows whether adults were nearby. If it only ever happens where no adult can see, the behavior is deliberate and planned rather than a series of arguments.
Does any of this happen on your phone or online?
Why ask it
Online, the contact continues after school and follows them into the evening and the bedroom. Ask to be shown rather than told, and ask them not to delete anything yet, because screenshots are what a school or a platform will want.
Has anyone said why they are doing it?
Why ask it
Sometimes a reason is offered, an appearance, a rumor, a family member, and knowing it helps you predict where else it may surface. Take care that the question does not sound like you are looking for a justification.
Is anyone involved someone who used to be your friend?
Why ask it
A great deal of bullying comes from former friends, which is exactly why children hesitate to report it: naming the person means giving up on getting them back. If the answer is yes, expect them to defend that person and move slowly.
What have you already tried, and did any of it help?
Why ask it
Their attempts deserve credit even where they failed, and knowing what has been tried stops you suggesting the same thing again. If fighting back or ignoring it made things worse, that shapes what you plan next.
Have you told anyone at school, and what happened after that?
Why ask it
The answer tells you whether the school is a resource or an obstacle in this case. If a report was made and nothing followed, that becomes a specific fact you can raise with the school rather than a general complaint.
How have you been sleeping and eating?
Why ask it
Sleep, appetite, headaches, and stomach aches are how stress shows in children who cannot describe it directly. Changes here are also concrete evidence if you need to involve a doctor or ask the school for support.
Have you ever felt so bad that you thought about hurting yourself?
Why ask it
Ask this plainly. Asking does not plant the idea, and it gives a child who has had those thoughts a way to say so. If the answer is yes, or if it is unclear, contact your doctor or a crisis line the same day.
What are you afraid will happen if we tell someone?
Why ask it
Fear of making things worse is the main reason children ask adults to do nothing. Naming the particular fear, retaliation, being seen as a snitch, losing a friend group, lets you plan around it and promise only what you can deliver.
What would you like me to do, and what would you rather I did not do?
Why ask it
Being asked returns some control to a child who has had very little. Note what they ask you to avoid, and if you have to act against their wishes because they are not safe, tell them before you do it rather than afterwards.
What would make tomorrow a bit easier?
Why ask it
Small practical changes lower the daily cost while the larger problem is being dealt with: a different route, a place to be at break, a reason to leave a class early, a phone kept in a bag rather than a pocket.
Who could you sit with tomorrow, if you wanted to?
Why ask it
One named person is enough to break the pattern of being alone at the times it happens. Keeping it to tomorrow makes it achievable, where a plan to make new friends does not.
Can we agree how you will tell me if it happens again?
Why ask it
An agreed signal, a text, a word, a note left on the counter, means the next incident does not depend on them finding the courage to start this conversation from the beginning again.
Having the Conversation, and What Follows It
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
During the conversation
Sit alongside something else
Driving, walking the dog, washing up, or a shared task removes the pressure of eye contact and the feeling of being questioned. Many children will say more in a car than they ever will across a table.
Let silences run
The pause after a hard question is usually the moment a child decides whether to say the next part. Filling it with another question, or with reassurance, ends that process. Wait longer than feels comfortable.
Keep your reaction small
Visible anger, even anger on their behalf, teaches a child that telling you creates a new problem to manage. React to the disclosure calmly in the moment and take the feelings elsewhere afterwards.
Do not promise secrecy
If you are a teacher or a coach you may have a duty to report, and any adult may have to act if a child is unsafe. Say early that you will not act without telling them first, which is a promise you can actually keep.
After the conversation
- Write down dates, times, places, names, and quotes while you still remember them.
- Keep screenshots of messages and posts, with the sender and the date visible.
- Put your report to the school in writing, even after a phone call, so a record exists.
- Ask the school for a specific plan, a named contact, and a date to review it.
- Ask what will be done to keep your child from being identified as the person who reported it.
- Tell your child what you did and what the school said, so nothing happens behind them.
- Check in again in a few days, whether or not anything has changed.
Common pitfalls
Advising them to stand up for themselves
It places responsibility for a group's behavior on one child, and where there is a size or numbers difference it can be dangerous. If they have already tried it and it made things worse, saying it again mainly teaches them not to tell you things.
Contacting the other child or their parents directly
It usually escalates, often turns into a dispute between adults, and can compromise any action the school might take. Go through the school, and keep your own record of what you reported and when.
Removing the phone as a solution
For most children the phone is also where their friendships and support live, so confiscating it can double as a punishment for telling you. Address the specific accounts and platforms instead, and involve them in deciding how.
Treating one conversation as the end of it
Children disclose in stages, and the hardest details often come weeks later. Leave the subject open, ask again without making it an interrogation, and let them see that telling you did not cost them anything.