Questions to Ask Addicts in Recovery
Questions for a friend or family member of someone in recovery, covering what they want said and not said, how to handle events and drinks, and what they would want from you on a bad day.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How are you doing this week?
Why ask it
A small question on purpose. Recovery invites people to ask enormous ones, and a week is a length of time someone can actually answer honestly without performing progress.
Is this something you want to talk about, or would you rather I left it alone?
Why ask it
Asking permission once removes the guesswork for both of you. Some people are relieved to discuss it; others are tired of being a topic, and being asked rather than assumed about is the difference.
What does your week look like now?
Why ask it
Meetings, appointments, a sponsor call, a shift pattern, a gym slot: the structure is often the load-bearing part of early recovery. Knowing it stops you from scheduling things straight through it.
What has actually helped, and what have people done that has not?
Why ask it
The second half is where you learn something useful. People tend to name checking up, well-meant advice, or being watched at dinner, and these are all things you would otherwise have done sincerely.
Is there anything you would rather I did not ask about?
Why ask it
Almost everyone has a subject they are not ready for, often the worst months or the people from that time. Naming the fence now is easier than discovering it halfway through a conversation.
Do you want me to tell people, or is that yours to tell?
Why ask it
This is the question most often skipped and most often regretted. Family members explain a relative's absence to others without thinking of it as disclosure, and it is.
When we are out together, what do you want me to do about drinks?
Why ask it
There is no default here. Some people want you to order what you like, some want you not to, some just want a drink in their hand so nobody comments. Ask, and then do the thing without discussion each time.
Are there places or occasions you would rather skip for now?
Why ask it
Certain venues, holidays, or groups of people carry too much with them. A specific answer lets you keep inviting them to the things they can manage instead of quietly stopping inviting them at all.
If I am planning something, what would make it easier for you to come?
Why ask it
Practical detail: an early start, a lift home, somewhere with food, knowing who else will be there, a way to leave without a scene. Small changes to the plan often decide whether someone attends.
Is there anything practical I could take off your plate?
Why ask it
Recovery costs time and often money: appointments, court dates, treatment fees, transport. Concrete offers, a lift on Tuesdays or an afternoon with the kids, are easier to accept than an open offer to help.
What do people say that they think is supportive but is not?
Why ask it
You will hear about comments on how well they look, reminders of how far they have come, or being told they were never that bad. Worth knowing before you say one of them at a family gathering.
Would I be able to tell if you were having a hard day?
Why ask it
Some people go quiet, some get busy, some get irritable and would rather you did not read anything into it. The answer tells you whether to check in on the signs or wait to be told.
If I thought you were struggling, how would you want me to say it?
Why ask it
Agreeing on the wording in a calm week is worth far more than improvising in a bad one. People often name a form of words they would accept, and just as often name the one that would make them shut down.
Who do you call first when it gets difficult?
Why ask it
Not to compete with that person, but to know they exist. If the honest answer is nobody, that is the most important thing you will learn in the conversation.
Do you want your milestones marked, or would you rather they pass quietly?
Why ask it
Anniversaries are heavy for some people and steadying for others. Getting this wrong in public, with a toast or a card in front of others, is a common and avoidable misstep.
What are you working on at the moment that has nothing to do with any of this?
Why ask it
Recovery can swallow a person's whole identity in other people's eyes. Asking about work, a course, a repair, a team, treats them as someone with a life rather than a condition.
Has anything about the past year surprised you?
Why ask it
An open question that lets them choose the depth. Answers range from small and practical, how much sleep changed, to things they have not said aloud before, and both are fine.
What worries you about the next few months?
Why ask it
Usually the answer is specific and not about substances at all: a court date, a job interview, a wedding, moving back in with someone. These are the moments where support gets planned rather than improvised.
If you used again, would you tell me, and what would you want me to do?
Why ask it
A hard question to ask calmly, and the reason to ask it is that relapse is common and decisions made in the moment are usually bad ones. An agreement made now is something you can both refer back to.
Am I doing anything that makes this harder without meaning to?
Why ask it
Save it for last, and then be quiet. The answer may be about your drinking, your questions, your worry, or old arguments you thought were settled, and hearing it without defending yourself is the whole point of asking.
Supporting someone in recovery
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to hold the conversation
Ask once, then follow their lead
One clear offer to talk is enough. Repeating it turns concern into surveillance, and the person then spends their energy managing your worry instead of their own week.
Leave the history alone unless they open it
Questions about substances, amounts, money, or the worst episodes are for them to raise, or for a clinician. Nothing in this conversation requires those details, and asking for them usually ends the openness.
Do not make yourself the monitor
Watching what someone drinks, counting days for them, or checking their story changes the relationship into supervision. If you are worried enough to be checking, say so directly instead.
Practical things that help
- Keep inviting them, and say plainly what the event will involve.
- Offer a specific lift on a specific day rather than an open offer to help.
- Have something non-alcoholic in the house without announcing it.
- Let them leave early without a discussion about why.
- Remember appointments and court dates without commenting on them.
- Ask about their work and their interests as often as about their recovery.
Looking after yourself
You are allowed limits
Deciding what you will not do, lend money, cover for absences, host certain gatherings, is not withdrawal of support. Say the limits calmly, in advance, and hold them consistently.
Get your own support
Family support groups such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon exist for relatives and friends rather than for the person in recovery, and a therapist is another option. Carrying it alone tends to come out as anger at the person you are trying to help.
Plan for a relapse before it happens
Decide now what you would do, who you would call, and what you would not do. Relapse is common in recovery, and the decisions people regret are the ones made at two in the morning without a plan.