Questions to Ask a Babysitter Reference
Twenty questions for the phone call with a family the sitter has already worked for, covering reliability, how they handled the hard parts of the evening, and how to read an answer that sounds polite but hesitant.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How long did they sit for you, and how often?
Why ask it
Six months of Friday nights tells you more than two years of once-a-quarter. Frequency also hints at whether this person was the family's first call or the one they rang when everyone else was busy.
How old were your kids while they were watching them?
Why ask it
A sitter who was calm with a placid seven-year-old has not been tested by a toddler who climbs. If the ages do not overlap with yours, most of what follows is only partly relevant to you.
What did a typical shift look like: dinner, bath and bedtime, or a couple of hours in the evening?
Why ask it
Someone whose whole job was two hours of television after dinner has never run a bedtime standoff. Match the shift they actually did against the one you are hiring for before you weigh anything else.
Did they turn up when they said they would?
Why ask it
Listen for how fast the answer comes. A quick "always" is worth more than "usually, within ten minutes or so", which tells you to pad every arrival time you agree with them.
Did they ever cancel, and how much notice did you get?
Why ask it
Everyone cancels sometimes; the notice is the real answer. A text an hour beforehand leaves you paying for a table you cannot use, and repeat late cancellations are the most common reason families quietly stop calling a sitter.
How did your kids act when they found out the sitter was coming?
Why ask it
Children are unguarded about who they like. A parent who starts telling stories here is giving you something no résumé can. A flat "they were fine with her" is worth one more question.
Did they play with your kids, or mostly keep an eye on them?
Why ask it
This separates a playmate from a supervisor. Neither is wrong, but if you want someone to run craft time and bedtime and the reference describes someone parked on the sofa, you are about to hire the wrong thing.
Did they stick to your rules on food, screens and bedtime when you were not there to check?
Why ask it
Rules only count when nobody is watching, and parents usually know because the child reported it later: seconds on dessert, one more episode, bed an hour late. Small in itself, but it shows how they treat your instructions.
What did they do when one of your kids refused to cooperate?
Why ask it
You want an actual tactic: a choice between two options, a distraction, waiting it out. "My kids never gave her any trouble" usually means the parent was never told what happened.
If your kids argued with each other, did they step in or let it run?
Why ask it
Sibling conflict is where a sitter's instincts show. The answers to watch for are the extremes: ignoring it completely, or picking a side and turning a squabble into a longer fight.
Was there ever an injury, a scare, or an evening that went badly, and what did they do?
Why ask it
Ask even when you expect nothing. The useful part is the sequence: did they call the parent straight away and describe it accurately, or did the parent hear about it days later from the child?
Did they contact you during a shift, and was it too much, too little, or about right?
Why ask it
Both failure modes matter. A sitter sending photos every ten minutes has not settled the kids; one who goes silent for four hours leaves you guessing. Ask what the pattern was rather than whether it was good, since the reference's tolerance may not match yours.
Did you get a rundown of the evening when you got home, or did you have to ask?
Why ask it
The handover is the best available proxy for conscientiousness. A sitter who volunteers what was eaten, when bed happened and what was odd about the night is the same sitter who will tell you when something goes wrong.
What state was the house in when you got back?
Why ask it
Dishes are not really the point. A sitter who tidied had attention to spare; one who left the kitchen exactly as it was may have been at full stretch the entire time.
Did they ever have anyone else with them, or ask to?
Why ask it
This gets skipped and it matters. A partner, friend or sibling in the house is an adult you have not screened. If the answer is yes, ask whether the family agreed in advance or found out afterwards.
Did they drive your kids anywhere, and were you comfortable with it?
Why ask it
Driving raises the stakes to car seats, insurance and phone use. A parent who says "we never let her drive them" is telling you about their own comfort level as much as the sitter's record.
Did you ever have to correct them on something, and how did they take it?
Why ask it
This is the closest you will get to seeing how they handle being managed. Someone who adjusted without sulking is easy to work with; someone who got defensive about a small correction will be hard to correct about a serious one.
Was there any part of the job they clearly did not enjoy?
Why ask it
Asked sideways like this, people are honest about a job's worst part. Homework battles, a barking dog, a forty-minute bedtime routine: if the thing they disliked is the thing you need most, you have your answer.
Is there anything about our setup, the ages, the hours, the pets, that you think would be harder for them than yours was?
Why ask it
This lets the reference be usefully doubtful without criticising anyone. "She is wonderful one-on-one but I would not hand her three" is the kind of calibration a general recommendation never gives you.
Why did they stop sitting for you, and would you have them back?
Why ask it
Ask both halves in one breath. "She moved for college" plus an immediate yes is clean. A pause, or a reason for leaving that does not quite line up with the enthusiasm, is the moment to slow down and ask one more question.
Making the reference call useful
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Set the call up properly
Insist on a phone call
Written references tell you almost nothing, because nobody puts a hesitation in writing. Ask the sitter for two families and their numbers, and say you will call rather than email.
Ask for the right families
Ask specifically for families with children close to your kids' ages, and for the most recent one. A reference from four years ago describes a different person, and a reference who used them twice cannot tell you much.
Open by placing yourself
Say how old your kids are, what hours you need and what the job involves before you start asking. A reference who knows you have a two-year-old and a newborn will volunteer things they would not otherwise think to mention.
Leave time for the pause
Ten minutes is enough for the list, but the useful material usually arrives after you stop talking. When an answer trails off, wait rather than moving to the next question.
Reading a reference who does not want to be unkind
Most people will not criticise a young person outright
Assume warmth is the default and that anything less than warmth is a signal. "She was fine", "we had no real problems", and a long pause before "yes" all mean more than they sound like.
Ask about events, not qualities
"Was she responsible?" gets a yes from everyone. "What happened the time one of them got hurt?" gets a story, and stories are checkable against what the sitter told you.
Give them an easy way to be honest
- "If you could change one thing about how she worked, what would it be?"
- "Who did you use when she was not available, and how did they compare?"
- "Is there anything you wish you had known before the first night?"
- "What kind of family do you think she is best suited to?"
Signals worth slowing down for
The reference turns out to be family
Ask early how they know each other. An aunt or a family friend of the sitter's parents is not a former employer, and the answer will be shaped accordingly.
Dates and ages do not match what the sitter told you
You are not looking for lies so much as for drift. If the sitter said two years and the reference says a summer, ask the sitter about it directly rather than deciding on your own what happened.
Every answer is about one child
If a reference with three children only ever talks about the easiest one, ask about the others by name. Sitters often manage one child well and lose control of a group.
The reference sounds rehearsed
Answers that arrive complete and glowing, in the same phrasing the sitter used, sometimes mean the call was prepared. Ask an unexpected question, such as what the kids ate on those evenings, and see whether the detail holds up.
If you only have five minutes
- "How long did they sit for you, and how old were your kids then?"
- "Did anything ever go wrong on their watch, and how did they handle it?"
- "Did they ever cancel on you, and how much notice did you get?"
- "If you could change one thing about how they worked, what would it be?"
- "Why did they stop, and would you have them back tomorrow?"