Questions to Ask Before Getting Engaged
Questions to talk through before you get engaged, for couples who are seriously considering marriage: daily life, money, children, family, faith, and the disagreements you would rather find now than in year three. The list is free to read, and the Print button gives you a paper copy to go through together.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
What do you picture an ordinary Tuesday looking like for us five years from now?
Why ask it
Most couples have discussed the wedding and almost never the weeknights. Two answers that sound compatible in the abstract often turn out to differ on who is home, who cooks, and how quiet the evening is.
What does being married give us that we do not already have?
Why ask it
Answers cluster into three types: legal and practical, religious, or a sense of public commitment. Trouble comes when one of you is answering practically and the other is answering spiritually and neither notices.
How do you want us to split the cooking, cleaning, and errands, and who does more of it now?
Why ask it
Who does more of it now is the half worth answering slowly. Stated intentions are usually equal, current behaviour usually is not, and the gap between them is what you will actually be negotiating.
Which holiday traditions would you refuse to give up?
Why ask it
Holidays are where two families compete for the same weekend every year. Knowing which ones are non-negotiable now saves you inventing a rule in a car park in December.
How much time alone, and how much time with your own friends, do you need in a normal week?
Why ask it
People rarely know their own number until asked, and the mismatch between someone who needs two evenings out and someone who reads that as rejection is one of the most common early-marriage frictions.
How do you think we handle disagreements now, and what would you change about it?
Why ask it
Watch whether they can describe their own part in a fight rather than yours. Someone who only has examples of your behaviour is telling you how the next twenty years of arguments will go.
What do you actually need from me when you are under real stress?
Why ask it
The answers are genuinely different: some people want company, some want problem-solving, some want to be left completely alone for a day. Guessing wrong feels like neglect to the person on the receiving end.
How do you want to handle money: separate accounts, joint, or some mix?
Why ask it
There is no correct answer, but there is a wrong process, which is drifting into an arrangement neither of you chose. Ask what happens when one of you earns much more or stops earning entirely.
What debts, savings, and obligations should we both be able to see?
Why ask it
Undisclosed debt is one of the more common shocks in early marriage, and student loans, family loans, and support payments all count. Reluctance to show numbers is worth taking seriously on its own.
Is there anything either of us would want written down before we marry?
Why ask it
This covers prenuptial agreements, family businesses, inheritances, and property one of you already owns. Raising it as a shared question rather than a demand keeps it from reading as distrust.
Do you want children, and how firm is that answer?
Why ask it
The firmness matters as much as the answer. A soft yes and a soft no can be worked with, while a firm yes paired with a firm no does not become compatible through patience.
If having children turned out to be difficult, how far would you want to go?
Why ask it
Treatment, adoption, and stopping are all reasonable positions, and couples usually discover they hold different ones at the point they are least able to discuss it calmly.
What role should our parents and siblings play in our marriage, and where is the line?
Why ask it
Ask for specifics: unannounced visits, money, advice about your children, being told things before the other spouse. General goodwill about family collapses fast when the first concrete case arrives.
What role do you want faith or religion to play in our home?
Why ask it
Two people can share a religion and still disagree completely on practice, and one may only discover what they want when a child is born or a parent dies. Ask about practice, not identity.
Where do you want to live in ten years, and what would you give up to be near family?
Why ask it
Location decides careers, childcare, and who ages near whom. If one of you assumes a move home eventually and the other assumes staying put, that assumption will surface as a crisis rather than a discussion.
If our careers pulled us in different directions, how would we decide?
Why ask it
You are looking for a decision rule rather than a promise. Answers like whoever earns more or we alternate are both workable, whereas we would just work it out is a plan to argue later.
What do you want from our physical relationship, and is there anything that has felt off lately?
Why ask it
The second clause is where the real answer lives. Couples who cannot raise a small mismatch while dating rarely find it easier once the stakes include a shared mortgage.
Would you go to couples counselling before things got bad, or only if they did?
Why ask it
This predicts how a future rough patch gets handled. Someone who sees counselling as an admission of failure will usually delay until the problem is much harder to fix.
What would count as a betrayal we could not come back from?
Why ask it
People assume they share definitions and often do not, particularly around secrecy, money, and emotional closeness with someone else. Naming the lines is more useful than assuming they match.
What do you think will be hardest about being married to me?
Why ask it
A thoughtful, affectionate, specific answer is a very good sign. Nothing at all is not flattery, it usually means they have not yet let themselves think about the version of you that is tired and difficult.
Why now, rather than a year ago or a year from now?
Why ask it
The answer is sometimes a shared readiness and sometimes an outside pressure: a lease, a visa, a birthday, a parent's illness. Naming the real driver does not disqualify the engagement, but it should be said aloud.
Are you ready to be married, or ready for a wedding?
Why ask it
These are genuinely different appetites and both are common. The honest answer changes how much of the next year you should spend on planning.
What does being engaged mean to you in practice, and how long should it last?
Why ask it
People treat engagement as anything from a private agreement to a year of public planning. A mismatch here produces the first fight of the engagement, usually within a month.
Do you want a proposal, and what would you want it to be like?
Why ask it
Some people want a surprise and some find being surprised into a life decision genuinely upsetting. Asking removes the risk of getting the largest moment wrong on purpose.
Who needs to be told first, and is there anyone you feel you should ask?
Why ask it
Family expectations about being asked or told still run strong and vary by culture and household. Getting the order wrong can sour something otherwise happy.
Who is paying for the wedding, and what does that buy them a say in?
Why ask it
Money from parents almost always comes with opinions about the guest list, the venue or the ceremony. Deciding what you will accept before you accept it saves an ugly conversation later.
Whose marriage do you admire, and what specifically about it?
Why ask it
Look for a real couple and a concrete detail rather than an idea. Admiring how two people argue is a very different model from admiring how comfortable they are.
What did you learn about being married from watching your parents?
Why ask it
Everyone learns something and few people have said it out loud. Whether they describe a partnership, an arrangement, or a warning tells you what they will treat as normal.
What do you want us to promise each other out loud?
Why ask it
Vows are a rare chance to hear what someone thinks they are committing to. What they leave out, faithfulness, honesty, staying through illness, is as informative as what they include.
What is the largest amount you would spend without checking with me?
Why ask it
Couples rarely agree on this figure and almost never state it. Naming a number prevents the specific argument that follows the first unexpected purchase.
How much has to be in savings before you would feel safe?
Why ask it
Financial anxiety is set by upbringing more than income. A partner who needs six months of expenses banked will read your spending as risk-taking unless this is understood.
What would each of us do if one of us stopped earning for a year?
Why ask it
Illness, redundancy and a new baby all produce this scenario, and it is far easier to plan calmly now. Notice whether either of you assumes their parents will step in.
Are you likely to be supporting a parent or a sibling financially at some point?
Why ask it
This is a common and legitimate obligation that couples discover late. What matters is whether it is expected, roughly how much, and whether you are being told or consulted.
If we have children, who is at home in the first two years, and what happens to that person's work?
Why ask it
Plenty of couples agree they want children and have never discussed this. The answer decides two careers, the household income, and who is quietly resentful in year three.
How were you disciplined as a child, and what would you repeat?
Why ask it
Parenting style is inherited unless it is examined. This is also the safest way to find out whether they were hit as a child and what they now think about it.
How often do you want to see your family, and where do the holidays happen?
Why ask it
Holidays are the recurring flashpoint of married life. A specific answer, including which family gets which day, is worth more than a warm statement about how close everyone is.
What does loyalty to your family mean when it conflicts with me?
Why ask it
You are asking where you rank when it matters, which sounds harsh and is worth knowing. Someone who cannot imagine the conflict has probably never been asked to choose.
What happens if one of our parents needs to live with us or needs care?
Why ask it
For many couples this arrives before children do. Ask about money, space and who does the day-to-day work, since willingness in principle and willingness in a spare room are different things.
Is there anything about my family that worries you about our future?
Why ask it
It is easier to answer before a wedding than after, and the concerns are usually specific rather than general. Take the answer without defending them in the same breath.
What do you tell your family about us, and what do you keep private?
Why ask it
Couples get into trouble when one treats a parent as a confidant. Find out now whether your arguments and your finances are being discussed elsewhere.
Do you want pets, and who looks after them?
Why ask it
Pets are a fifteen-year commitment with real costs, and the walking and the vet bills tend to land unevenly. It is also a useful rehearsal for the childcare conversation.
What are you giving up by marrying me?
Why ask it
Everyone gives up something, a city, a career path, a version of their twenties, and pretending otherwise stores it up. Naming it now means it can be acknowledged rather than resented.
What is the argument we keep having, and has it changed in two years?
Why ask it
Every couple has one, and the question is whether it moves or repeats word for word. A recurring argument that has not shifted at all will not be resolved by a wedding.
How do you want to be apologized to?
Why ask it
Words, time, a change in behavior, or being left alone for a day are all different requirements. Apologies that do not land are usually the right sentiment in the wrong currency.
What do you need from me that you have stopped asking for?
Why ask it
Requests that were declined a few times get withdrawn rather than resolved. The withdrawn ones are usually the important ones, and this question is often the first time they get said.
Have you seen me at my worst, and what did you think?
Why ask it
Grief, illness, unemployment and family crisis reveal more than any conversation. If neither of you has seen the other in one of those states, you are relying on a forecast.
What do I do that you have decided to live with?
Why ask it
There will be several, and hearing them plainly is more useful than being told everything is fine. Look for whether the list is a set of habits or a set of character judgements.
Is either of us hoping the other will change after the wedding?
Why ask it
Almost everyone is, and naming it is far better than waiting. If the answer involves a habit, a religion, a job or a temperament, treat it as a serious finding rather than a hope.
How often do you want sex in an ordinary week, and what should we do if we want different amounts?
Why ask it
Give a number rather than saying often enough. Mismatch is normal and workable; the couples who struggle are the ones who never said the numbers and read the difference as rejection.
What counts as cheating to you, including things that only happen on a phone?
Why ask it
Definitions differ more than people expect, particularly about messaging, old partners, and what is acceptable on a night out. Agreeing the line now removes the later argument about whether there was one.
What health conditions run in your family, and what do you know about your own?
Why ask it
Plain information, easier to exchange now than during a diagnosis. It also covers mental health history, which is common and treatable and better understood before it becomes urgent.
How much do we each drink or use, and would either of us call it a problem?
Why ask it
Comparing your own answer with your partner's answer about you is the useful part. Defensiveness at the question is worth more attention than the numbers.
Have you ever had treatment for your mental health, and what helped?
Why ask it
Common, treatable, and better understood before a crisis. What helped is the practical part, because it tells you what to reach for when it recurs.
If one of us were seriously ill and could not speak for themselves, what would you want done?
Why ask it
Marriage makes each of you the likely decision maker. Having heard the answer once, in ordinary conditions, is what makes it possible to act on it when the time comes.
What are you not telling me because you think it might change my mind?
Why ask it
Ask it once, gently, and then wait through the silence. A long pause followed by nothing is itself worth returning to on another day.
What are you unsure about with us, right now?
Why ask it
Ask it late in the conversation, and then wait. Some doubt is normal and naming it is usually a good sign, but a flat nothing after a run of honest answers is worth gently testing.
What do you need from me before you would feel ready to marry?
Why ask it
This converts vague hesitation into a request you can act on. If the answer is that you need to change fundamentally, that is important to hear now rather than at an anniversary.
If nothing about our relationship improved from today, could you marry me as we are?
Why ask it
The hardest question here, because most engagements rest on a private assumption that something will improve. Anyone marrying a plan rather than a person should know that before the wedding.
Is there anything you are hoping I will not ask?
Why ask it
It is a difficult question and it is the whole point of doing this before an engagement rather than after. Silence, hesitation or a joke are all answers worth returning to.
What do you want to still be true about us in thirty years?
Why ask it
A closing question that lets both of you say what you are actually aiming at. Small, specific answers tend to be more durable than grand ones.
What kind of wedding do you actually want, who is paying for it, and what are we willing to spend?
Why ask it
This is the first joint financial decision you will make and it is a fair rehearsal for the rest. Watch what happens when parents are contributing, because money from family usually comes with opinions attached, and how the two of you handle that says more than the guest list does.
What am I like to argue with?
Why ask it
Asked seriously and answered honestly, this is one of the most useful questions on the list. You are looking for something specific and slightly uncomfortable: you go quiet for days, you bring up old material, you make jokes to escape. Nothing comes to mind is either a very easy relationship or an unfinished conversation.
How to have these conversations
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Pace them out
Do not do this in one sitting
62 questions of this weight in one evening turns into an interrogation and both of you will start giving the answer that ends the conversation. Two or three at a time, over weeks, gets you honest answers.
Pick low-stakes moments
Long drives and walks work better than sitting across a table, partly because you are not watching each other's face while you think.
Ask the follow-up
The first answer is usually the socially acceptable one. What makes you say that, and when did you last think about it, is where the real position appears.
Print the list or save it as a PDF
The Print button at the top of the page opens every note first, and choosing Save as PDF in the print dialog gives you a copy to keep on a phone. Two paper copies work well: each of you marks the ones you most want to ask and the ones you would rather skip, and the questions you both wanted to skip are where to begin.
What to listen for
- Specifics beat sentiment. We will figure it out is not an answer to how money or careers get decided.
- Notice which questions get deflected with humour twice. That is usually the one that matters most.
- A difference you can both describe accurately is manageable. A difference one of you insists does not exist is not.
- Watch for answers that describe who they intend to become rather than how they behave now.
- If you find yourself softening your own answer to keep the peace, note it. That habit does not improve after a wedding.
When your answers do not match
Sort differences into three piles
Things you can split the difference on, things one of you can genuinely let go, and things neither of you can move on. Most couples have a few in the third pile and the question is whether you can name them.
Do not schedule a resolution
Deciding that you will sort out children or religion after the wedding is the most common version of not deciding. The pressure to agree only increases once the date is booked.
Premarital counselling is for functional couples too
A few structured sessions with a counsellor or clergy member are ordinary preparation, not a sign of trouble, and a third party will ask the questions you have both been avoiding.