Questions to Ask Before Having Kids
Questions for couples deciding whether to try for a child, covering money, childcare, the division of night duty and household labour, careers, values, and what each of you is afraid of.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Why do we each want a child, and would we say the same thing out loud?
Why ask it
Reasons that hold up under pressure sound like wanting to raise a person. Reasons that do not sound like fixing something: a stalling relationship, family pressure, or a fear of being the last of your friends without one.
Who gets up in the night, and what does that look like on a work night?
Why ask it
This is the single most reliable predictor of resentment in the first year. Answers like we will both help are not plans, so push for what happens at three in the morning on a Tuesday.
What would childcare cost where we live, and what would we do until a place comes free?
Why ask it
Nursery fees are often comparable to a rent payment and waiting lists in many areas run to a year or more. The gap between leave ending and childcare starting is what catches people out, not the fee itself.
How much leave can each of us actually take, paid and unpaid?
Why ask it
Read the policy rather than repeating what a colleague said, because entitlement, employer top-up, and what is culturally possible in your team are three different things.
Whose career takes the hit, and for how long?
Why ask it
Someone usually does more of the school runs and sick days, and the effect on earnings compounds for years. Deciding this deliberately is very different from letting it fall on whoever earns less at the time.
Who could we genuinely call at short notice in the first month?
Why ask it
Count the people who would actually come, not the ones who would offer. Couples who find the list is empty often need to plan paid help rather than hope for a visit.
What does the first year look like for our household admin: cooking, laundry, bills, appointments?
Why ask it
Newborn care is the visible work, but the invisible work is what falls apart first. Naming who owns each thing in advance stops one person quietly absorbing all of it.
How did each of us get disciplined as a child, and what would we never repeat?
Why ask it
Everyone defaults to their own upbringing under stress, which is why this question predicts real behaviour better than any discussion of parenting philosophy.
What do we want a child to be taught about religion, money, and school?
Why ask it
These are the three areas where a quiet difference becomes a decision with a deadline: a baptism, a savings habit, a school application. Better to find the difference before the form arrives.
How much involvement do we want from our parents, and what would be too much?
Why ask it
Grandparents who help with childcare come with opinions and access, and the couples who cope best have decided the boundaries before offering the key. Ask about unannounced visits and unsolicited advice specifically.
How do we settle it when we disagree about the child in front of the child?
Why ask it
You need a rule now, because the disagreements arrive when you are tired and being watched. A workable answer is usually agree in the moment, argue later, in private.
How will we keep our own relationship going when we are both exhausted?
Why ask it
Intentions to keep date nights rarely survive the first six months. What tends to survive is something small and specific, so aim for concrete rather than romantic.
How would each of us cope with months of broken sleep?
Why ask it
Sleep deprivation, not the baby, is what breaks most new parents, and people know from experience how they behave without rest. If one of you becomes unsafe to drive or unbearable to live with, plan around that honestly.
What would we do if one of us developed postnatal depression?
Why ask it
It is common, it affects fathers too, and it is much easier to plan for while nobody is unwell. Agree in advance who you would call and what signs would prompt the call.
How many children do we picture, and how far apart?
Why ask it
The answer shapes housing, finances, and how long one of you is out of full-time work. Also worth saying out loud whether one child would feel like a complete family to both of you.
What would we do if conceiving proved difficult?
Why ask it
Treatment, adoption, and stopping are all defensible, and couples usually discover they hold different views at the point they are least able to talk calmly. Include what you could afford and what you could bear.
What would we do if a pregnancy carried a serious diagnosis?
Why ask it
Hard to discuss and much harder in a clinic with a deadline. You do not need a settled answer, but you should know whether you are starting from the same place.
Are we prepared for a child who needs long-term care or support?
Why ask it
Some children need far more than the average, indefinitely. Talking about it in advance changes nothing about the odds, but it does tell you whether you would face it as a team.
What are we each going to miss most, and can we say it without being judged for it?
Why ask it
Sleep, travel, spontaneity, and quiet are real losses, and pretending otherwise is how grief about them turns into resentment later. Being able to name them together is a good sign.
What scares each of us most about becoming a parent?
Why ask it
Fears usually turn out to be different and specific: money, losing your identity, becoming your own parent, the child's health. Hearing the real one tells you where your partner will need support.
Working through the decision
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
On readiness
- Nobody arrives at this fully ready. The useful question is whether the specific gaps you have are ones you could close in a year.
- Ambivalence in one partner is worth taking at face value rather than waiting out. Proceeding in the hope that someone changes their mind is the version of this decision that goes worst.
- A child amplifies whatever is already true of a relationship, including the parts that are only just holding.
- Revisit the conversation after a few months. Positions on this genuinely move, and it matters whose has moved and why.
Do the arithmetic before the conversation
- 1Look up actual nursery or childminder fees within reach of your home or work, and their waiting times.
- 2Read both employers' parental leave policies rather than relying on what colleagues remember.
- 3Work out your household budget on one income for six months, then on two incomes minus childcare.
- 4Check what your housing situation allows and what a move would cost if it does not.
- 5Write down who is on your short list of people who could help, and cross off the ones who live too far away to be useful on a weekday.
Where an outside view helps
Ask parents you trust to be blunt
Ask specifically about the first three months and about what surprised them, rather than whether they recommend it. Almost nobody says no to the second question.
Use a counsellor for the stuck questions
If one of you wants a child and the other does not, a few sessions with a couples counsellor is a better use of a year than repeating the same argument.
See your doctor early if age or health is a factor
Existing conditions, medications, and fertility questions are all easier to plan around before you start trying rather than after several months.