Questions to Ask Before Having Kids
These 60 questions to ask before having kids start with the ones you answer alone, to decide if you should have a child at all, and then become questions to ask your partner: whether you want the same thing, money and work, the first year, how you would raise a child, and the fears and what-ifs. They run in the order the decision does: the first two groups can still turn a yes into a not yet or a no, and the later ones assume you are both in. Answer the first group apart and on paper before you compare, so that neither of you borrows the other's answer.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Your own answer
Do I want a child, or am I mostly afraid of regretting not having one?
Why ask it
Wanting to raise a person and fearing a future regret can feel identical from the inside, and they lead to different decisions. One way to tell them apart is to notice which you think about more: the child, or yourself at seventy without one.
If I learned tomorrow that I could never have a child, what would I feel first?
Why ask it
The first reaction, before you tidy it up, is the useful part. Grief points one way and relief the other, and a mixture of the two is an answer as well, so note which was stronger.
If nobody expected it of me, not my parents, my partner or my friends, would I still choose this?
Why ask it
Expectation is hard to hear as a separate voice because it has usually been there since childhood. Take each person out of the picture in turn and see whose wish is doing the most work. It may turn out to be your own.
What do I picture when I imagine a normal weekday as a parent, and do I want that day?
Why ask it
Most of parenthood is school shoes, packed lunches and bedtime, with the big moments scattered thinly across it. If the ordinary day appeals, that tells you more than how you feel about babies.
What does my life look like at fifty without children, and how does that picture sit with me?
Why ask it
A life without children is a full option with its own shape, and it deserves imagining in the same detail as the other one. Fill it in properly: where you live, who is at the table on a Sunday, and what the time and the money went on.
How much time do I spend with children now, and how do I feel after a whole day of it?
Why ask it
Borrowed time with a niece, a godchild or a friend's toddler is imperfect evidence, since your own child is never a visitor. It still shows how you handle noise, repetition and being needed without a break.
What in my own childhood makes me want this, and what makes me hesitate?
Why ask it
A happy upbringing can make parenthood feel like the obvious next thing, and a hard one can leave a fear of repeating it. Both are worth spotting before they steer the decision unnoticed.
Which plans of mine would have to wait or go: the degree, the move abroad, the business?
Why ask it
Some plans survive a child with a delay and some realistically do not. Sorting them into those two piles is more useful than a general worry about losing your freedom.
Is my health or my age putting a clock on this, and do I know the facts or only the folklore?
Why ask it
A lot of what people believe about fertility and age comes from headlines and relatives. A doctor can tell you what applies to you, which is a sounder basis for deciding whether you are in a hurry.
Would I want a child if I ended up raising one mostly on my own?
Why ask it
Nobody plans for it, yet separation, illness and work away from home can all leave one parent carrying most of the load for a stretch. An honest answer shows how much of your yes depends on this particular partner.
If I am undecided, what would move me: more money, more time, a different relationship, or nothing?
Why ask it
Naming the condition turns a vague maybe into something you can test. If nothing on the list would change your mind, that is close to an answer already.
Wanting the same thing
Why do we each want a child, and would we say the same thing out loud?
Why ask it
Reasons that hold up under pressure sound like wanting to raise a person. Reasons that do not sound like fixing something: a stalling relationship, family pressure, or a fear of being the last of your friends without one.
Is either of us saying yes mainly because the other one wants it so much?
Why ask it
A reluctant yes can pass for agreement for years and then show up as distance once the baby is here. Ask it gently and make it safe to answer, because the honest reply may be hard to hear.
On a scale of one to ten, how sure is each of us today that we want a child?
Why ask it
Two people who both say probably can be standing a long way apart. Write the number down before either of you speaks, so the less sure person does not drift towards the other's answer.
When would we want to start trying, and what has to be in place first?
Why ask it
Not yet means six months to one person and six years to another. List the conditions, such as a job, a home or a wedding, and check whether each is a real requirement or a way of putting the conversation off.
How many children do we picture, and how far apart?
Why ask it
The answer shapes housing, finances, and how long one of you is out of full-time work. Also worth saying out loud whether one child would feel like a complete family to both of you.
What kind of parent do you think I would be, and what makes you say that?
Why ask it
Hearing how your partner sees you with a child is often the most encouraging part of the whole conversation. It can also bring out a worry, such as a short temper or long hours, while there is still time to talk about it kindly.
Would we consider adoption or fostering, as a first choice or only if pregnancy did not happen?
Why ask it
A biological child matters a great deal to one person and hardly at all to the next, and couples rarely know which they are until asked. The process and who is eligible differ by country and agency, so look up how it works where you live.
What would it mean for us if one of us never comes round to wanting a child?
Why ask it
Couples tend to leave this one until last, because one honest answer is that the relationship might not continue. Finding out whether it is a dealbreaker for either of you is kinder now than after five more years of waiting.
How strong are we as a couple right now, and what would a baby put the most strain on?
Why ask it
Less sleep, less money and less time alone press hardest on whatever is already sore, whether that is chores, in-laws or how you argue. Pick the weakest spot and decide what you would do about it before trying.
Money and work
What does our budget look like with a child in it, month by month for the first two years?
Why ask it
A rough spreadsheet with real figures for your area beats a general sense that children are expensive. Include the months of reduced pay during leave, since that dip arrives before the childcare bill does.
What would childcare cost where we live, and what would we do until a place comes free?
Why ask it
Fees and waiting lists vary a great deal from one town to the next, so ring two or three nurseries or childminders near you and ask for both. The stretch between leave ending and a place opening up is the part people forget to plan for.
How much leave can each of us actually take, paid and unpaid?
Why ask it
Read the policy rather than repeating what a colleague said, because entitlement, employer top-up, and what is culturally possible in your team are three different things. What the law guarantees depends on your country, and in some places your state, so check that as well as the handbook.
Whose career takes the hit, and for how long?
Why ask it
Someone usually does more of the school runs and sick days, and a few years of reduced hours can follow a person through the rest of their working life. Deciding this deliberately is very different from letting it fall on whoever earns less at the time.
Would either of us want to stay at home, and could we live on one income if so?
Why ask it
The wish to be at home, or to get back to work, can take a person by surprise once the baby is real. Run the one-income numbers now so that either wish is a choice and not a crisis.
Is our home big enough, and if not, do we move before or after?
Why ask it
A baby needs very little room and a toddler needs more, while stairs, damp or a landlord's rules can matter more than floor space. Decide whether a move is a condition for starting or something you could face in year two.
What debts and savings do we each have, and what cushion do we want before we start trying?
Why ask it
With a few months of costs set aside, a broken boiler or a cut in hours is a nuisance and not an emergency. Agree a figure together, and be honest about any debt the other person has not seen.
How will we handle money between us while one of us is on leave or earning less?
Why ask it
The person at home with the baby can end up asking for spending money for the first time in their adult life, and that stings. Settle whether you pool everything, top up one account or split by share before a salary drops.
What would each of our jobs make difficult: shifts, travel, long hours, no flexibility?
Why ask it
Nursery pick-up has a fixed time and a child's fever does not check your calendar. Find out what flexible working your employers offer in practice, and ask a colleague who already has children how it went.
The first year
What does each of us expect from the other during pregnancy and the birth?
Why ask it
Appointments, classes, who is in the room and who fields the family's phone calls are all assumptions until spoken. The partner who is not pregnant has a job to do here and usually wants to be told what it is.
Who gets up in the night, and what does that look like on a work night?
Why ask it
Answers like we will both help are not plans, so push for what happens at three in the morning on a Tuesday. How the baby is fed changes who can do which wakings, so talk through more than one version.
What is each of us like on very little sleep, and what should the other one know?
Why ask it
Most people know from experience how they behave without rest. If one of you becomes unsafe to drive or unbearable to live with, say so and plan the nights around it honestly.
How do we feel about feeding, and what happens if the first plan does not work?
Why ask it
Feeding can be harder than anyone warned, and a firm plan made in advance can turn into guilt when the baby has other ideas. Agree that the person doing the feeding has the final say, and ask whoever looks after you in pregnancy what feeding support exists near you.
Who could we genuinely call at short notice in the first month?
Why ask it
Count the people who would actually come, not the ones who would offer. Couples who find the list is empty often need to plan paid help rather than hope for a visit.
How do we want visitors handled in the first weeks, and who does the turning away?
Why ask it
One of you may want a full house and the other may want the door locked for a fortnight. Decide the rule together, then let each person deliver it to their own side of the family.
Who does the cooking, the laundry, the bills and the appointments in the first year?
Why ask it
Newborn care is the visible work, but the invisible work is what falls apart first. Naming who owns each thing in advance stops one person quietly absorbing all of it.
How will each of us get a few hours a week that belong only to us?
Why ask it
A run, a class or an evening with friends keeps a tired parent recognisable to themselves. Put both people's hours in the diary, because the one who asks less tends to get less.
How will we keep our own relationship going when we are both exhausted?
Why ask it
Grand intentions about a weekly date night tend to give way to tiredness. A small, specific habit, such as ten minutes together once the baby is down, has a better chance, so aim for concrete over romantic.
What would make us say the plan is not working and needs to change?
Why ask it
Whoever takes the nights, the leave or the cooking in the first version may not be able to keep it up. Pick a date about six weeks in to review it, so that asking for a change is routine and not a complaint.
Raising them
How was each of us disciplined as a child, and what would we never repeat?
Why ask it
Under stress people tend to reach for what was done to them, whatever they have read since. The stories tell you what your partner's reflexes are likely to be, and which one they are determined to break.
Would we raise a child in a faith, and what would that involve week to week?
Why ask it
A quiet difference here becomes a decision with a date on it: a baptism, a naming ceremony, or a grandparent asking when it will be. Say what you would want a child to practise and what you would only want them to know about.
What kind of school do we picture, and would we move or pay to get it?
Why ask it
School feels a long way off, yet it settles where some couples live years before a child can read. How places are given out depends on where you live, so look up the rules for your area before you count on a particular school.
How much involvement do we want from our parents, and what would be too much?
Why ask it
Grandparents who help with childcare come with opinions and access, so settle the boundaries before anyone is offered a key. Ask about unannounced visits and unsolicited advice specifically.
What do we do when we disagree about a parenting decision in front of the child?
Why ask it
You need a rule now, because the disagreements arrive when you are tired and being watched. A workable answer is usually agree in the moment, argue later, in private.
Where do we want to raise a child: here, nearer family, or somewhere else altogether?
Why ask it
The city that suits two working adults may not be where either of you pictures a childhood. If one of you is quietly assuming a move back to a home town, this is the moment to say so.
What do we want home to feel like for a child, in three words each?
Why ask it
Calm, loud, bookish, outdoorsy, strict and easy-going are all fine answers that do not all fit in one house. Comparing the two lists is a quick way to see where your pictures overlap.
Which traditions, languages or parts of our backgrounds do we want to pass on?
Why ask it
In a family with two cultures or two languages, the smaller one tends to fade unless someone protects it on purpose. Decide who speaks what at home and which holidays are kept, and tell the grandparents the plan.
What would we do about names, including the surname?
Why ask it
It sounds like a detail and can turn out to carry family loyalty, culture and a fair amount of pride. Find out early whether either of you has a fixed view, especially on whose surname the child takes.
What is our view on screens, phones and putting a child's photos online?
Why ask it
Each of you probably holds a firm opinion formed by watching other people's children. The photo part comes up first, on the day of the birth when relatives start posting, so settle that one before the rest.
How would we share the work once the child is at school: pick-ups, sick days, homework, clubs?
Why ask it
The split you fall into during the baby year has a way of becoming permanent. Looking ahead to age six shows whether you both picture an even share or one default parent.
Fears and what-ifs
What scares each of us most about becoming a parent?
Why ask it
Fears usually turn out to be different and specific: money, losing your identity, becoming your own parent, the child's health. Hearing the real one tells you where your partner will need support.
What are we each going to miss most, and can we say it without being judged for it?
Why ask it
Sleep, travel, spontaneity, and quiet are real losses, and pretending otherwise is how grief about them turns into resentment later. Being able to name them together is a good sign.
What would we do if conceiving proved difficult?
Why ask it
Treatment, adoption, and stopping are all defensible, and couples usually discover they hold different views at the point they are least able to talk calmly. Include what you could afford and what you could bear.
Who would we tell about a pregnancy, and when, knowing that some end early?
Why ask it
Deciding when to share the news is partly deciding who would know if there were a loss. Some couples want that support around them and some want privacy, and it helps to have agreed which before a test is positive.
What would we do if a scan or test in pregnancy brought serious news?
Why ask it
Hard to discuss and much harder in a clinic with a deadline. You do not need a settled answer, but you should know whether you are starting from the same place. Which choices are open to you depends on the law where you live, and a doctor or midwife can explain it.
How would we manage if our child had a disability or needed care for life?
Why ask it
Talking about it in advance changes nothing about the odds, but it does tell you whether you would face it as a team. Go as far as the practical side: who would cut back at work, and which relatives would really step in.
What would we do if one of us developed postnatal depression?
Why ask it
It can affect either parent, and it is much easier to plan for while nobody is unwell. Agree who you would call, which signs would prompt the call, and that the well partner is allowed to make it.
If we separated one day, how would we want to raise a child between two homes?
Why ask it
It is an unwelcome thing to ask while you are happy, which is exactly when the answers are generous. Hearing that your partner would put the child's time with both of you first is reassuring in its own right.
Who would we want to raise our child if neither of us could?
Why ask it
Naming a guardian is a short conversation that shows how each of you rates the other's family. Making it official usually takes a will, and the rules differ by country and state, so ask a lawyer how it is done where you live.
If we decide not to have children, what do we want that life to hold?
Why ask it
No is a decision with a future of its own, and it goes better chosen and planned than simply arrived at. Talk about where the time, money and energy would go, and how you would answer relatives who keep asking.
Working through the decision
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to use the list
Questions to ask to decide if you should have a child
The first eleven questions are written for one person, with or without a partner. Write your answers down, leave them for a week and read them back: a lean that is still there after seven days deserves more trust than a mood. If you are single, the money, first-year and what-if groups still apply, with "we" read as you and whoever would be helping.
Questions to ask your partner before having kids, one group at a time
The five groups you answer together are too many for one evening. Take wanting the same thing on a walk, the money at a table with payslips and a calculator, and the first year somewhere you can sketch a rough rota. Raising them suits a long drive. Leave the fears and what-ifs for a day when neither of you is tired.
Questions about kids to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend early on
Before children are a plan you do not need the leave policies or the night rota. The second group is enough: whether each of you wants children, roughly when, how many, and what happens if one of you never does. Ask out of curiosity and not as a test, and believe the answer you are given, including a no.
When your answers do not match
Mark each question agreed, close or far apart as you go. Most of the far-apart ones will be logistics, such as leave, nurseries and whose parents visit, and those can be worked on. If the far-apart one is whether to have a child at all, stop there and stay on it, because every later group assumes a yes from both of you.
On readiness
- Nobody arrives at this fully ready. The useful question is whether the specific gaps you have are ones you could close in a year.
- Ambivalence in one partner is worth taking at face value rather than waiting out. Going ahead in the hope that someone changes their mind once the baby is here is a gamble with a third person in it.
- A child tends to amplify whatever is already true of a relationship, including the parts that are only just holding.
- Revisit the conversation after a few months. Positions on this genuinely move, and it matters whose has moved and why.
Do the arithmetic before the conversation
- 1Look up actual nursery or childminder fees within reach of your home or work, and their waiting times.
- 2Read both employers' parental leave policies rather than relying on what colleagues remember.
- 3Work out your household budget on one income for six months, then on two incomes minus childcare.
- 4Check what your housing situation allows and what a move would cost if it does not.
- 5Write down who is on your short list of people who could help, and cross off the ones who live too far away to be useful on a weekday.
Where an outside view helps
Ask parents you trust to be blunt
Ask about the first three months and what surprised them, not whether they recommend it. Few parents will say they wish they had not, so that question teaches you little about your own case.
Use a counsellor for the stuck questions
If one of you wants a child and the other does not, a few sessions with a couples counsellor is a better use of a year than repeating the same argument.
See your doctor early if age or health is a factor
Existing conditions, medications, family history and fertility questions are all easier to plan around before you start trying rather than after several months.