Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend's Parents
Questions to ask your boyfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time, and on the visits after that. The 52 here begin with a group for a first meeting, then move through their own story, what he was like growing up and how the family does holidays and birthdays, to a few that are better saved for later on.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
First meeting
How did the two of you meet?
Why ask it
Most couples have this story ready and still disagree about it: who spoke first, whose friend made the introduction. Let them argue it out, since a table laughing over details is an easy one to sit at. If he has told you they are divorced or that one of them has died, skip it and begin with what he was like as a child.
What was he like as a child?
Why ask it
Parents wait all evening to be asked. Expect a story you will hear again at every family gathering, and notice which parent tells it and which one corrects it. Asking how old he was at the time usually brings out a second story.
How long have you lived here?
Why ask it
It works whether the answer is forty years or four. Ask next what brought them to the area, and within a minute you are usually onto work, family or the move itself. If this is the house he grew up in, ask which room was his.
What do you both do for work?
Why ask it
Put it to each of them in turn and give the second answer as much attention as the first. With retired parents, ask what they did, because people who spent thirty years at a job are more used to hearing how retirement is going. A parent who stayed home with the children has an answer too.
Do you have an embarrassing story about him that I should hear?
Why ask it
There is nearly always one, polished from years of telling, and being let in on it is a small welcome. Laugh with him and not at him. If he looks properly uncomfortable, ask what he used to get in trouble for, which is the gentler version.
What would you like me to call you?
Why ask it
Ask in the first few minutes, before you have spent an hour avoiding their names altogether. Some parents want first names at once and others prefer a title for a while, and they would rather be asked than have you guess.
What can I do to help?
Why ask it
Offer once, with a job in mind such as setting the table or carrying dishes through, because a vague offer is easy to wave away. If the answer is a firm no, believe it and sit down. Some cooks want the kitchen to themselves.
Who is in that photo over there?
Why ask it
Framed photos are on display because someone likes looking at them, so pointing at one is always welcome. A single picture can give you a wedding, a grandparent and a haircut he regrets, along with names you will need later.
What is your dog's name, and how long have you had him?
Why ask it
Swap in the cat, or whatever else comes to the door with them. Where there is an animal in the house it is the easiest subject in it, and getting on with the pet often does more for you than anything you say at the table.
Have you eaten here before? What do you usually order?
Why ask it
For a first meeting at a restaurant instead of at their home. At their regular place, the usual order gives you a safe choice from the menu. Somewhere new to all of you is fine too, since puzzling over a menu together fills the first five minutes.
Has he told you how we met, or shall I give you my version?
Why ask it
They are curious about this, and offering it saves them from having to quiz you. Keep your version short and generous to him, and leave room for him to object to the details.
About them
Where did you both grow up?
Why ask it
Let each of them answer, since the two places can be a long way apart and one of them probably moved for the other. Hometowns bring out brothers, sisters and grandparents, which is the family map you will want before the next big occasion.
What was your very first job?
Why ask it
First jobs make better stories than careers: a paper route, a diner, a summer on somebody's farm. Try it on the parent who went quiet when the talk turned to what people do for a living.
What were the two of you doing when you were our age?
Why ask it
For a moment it puts all four of you on the same footing. You might hear about two children and a mortgage or about a year spent traveling, and either one makes them easier to picture as people and not only as his parents.
What was your wedding day like?
Why ask it
Confirm with your boyfriend beforehand that they are still married to each other, which is the reason this is not an opener. When they are, an album is usually within reach, and so is a story about the weather or a relative who made a speech.
What do you like to do when you have a free weekend?
Why ask it
Their hobbies are the thing to remember from this visit. A garden, a choir or a regular card game is something you can ask about by name next time, and that matters more than turning up an interest you share.
What are you watching or reading at the moment?
Why ask it
A show the whole table has seen can carry twenty minutes on its own. If theirs is new to you, ask whether you should start it, then watch an episode before the next visit so you can tell them what you thought.
What is the best trip the two of you have taken?
Why ask it
Travel stories tend to come with photos, one disaster and a firm opinion about a hotel. Ask where they would go back to. For parents who say they are not travelers, a favorite day out close to home is the same question at a smaller size.
What has changed most around here since you moved in?
Why ask it
Try it on a parent who has said little, because it asks what they have noticed and not what they think. Along the way you tend to learn where to eat and which road to avoid.
What should I see or eat before I leave town?
Why ask it
Use it when the visit takes you to a town you do not know. People enjoy being the local expert, and going where they send you, then telling them about it, is a compliment that costs you one lunch.
About him
How did you choose his name?
Why ask it
A name tends to come with a grandfather, a disagreement or a narrow escape, and parents remember all of it. Ask what he was nearly called, then use that knowledge sparingly.
What was he obsessed with when he was little?
Why ask it
Dinosaurs, trains, one particular blanket. The people who lived with an obsession remember it in detail, and now and then it explains his job or the state of his bookshelves.
What did he tell everyone he was going to be when he grew up?
Why ask it
Astronaut, garbage truck driver, whatever his best friend's dad did. Ask when he changed his mind, and what they made of the path he took instead.
What did he flatly refuse to eat?
Why ask it
Most families have a standoff at the dinner table that they still talk about, and they remember who gave in. If he eats the thing happily now, one of them gets to say they told him so.
What was he like as a teenager?
Why ask it
You get a different answer from the small-child one and generally a franker one. Keep an eye on his face while they tell it, and change the subject if those years were hard for the family and not just funny.
What was he like with his brothers and sisters?
Why ask it
Only for a boyfriend who has them, so check before you go. You hear who kept the peace and who started things, and the sibling in question will probably give you the other side of it when you meet.
Do you have photos of him as a kid that I could see?
Why ask it
Plenty of parents have been hoping somebody would ask. Sitting side by side over an album is much easier than talking across a table, and the pictures supply the conversation. Give him a glance first to make sure he can bear it.
What is your favorite memory of him growing up?
Why ask it
Where the embarrassing stories are funny, this one is usually quiet: a day at the beach, something kind he did without being asked. Let them finish it without adding a story of your own.
What was he good at as a kid that he has since given up?
Why ask it
Brings out the piano exams, the swimming medals or the drawing he never mentions. You come away with something to coax him back to, and his parents hear that somebody else thinks it was a loss.
Which of you does he take after?
Why ask it
They often answer together and point at each other. Ask for an example, such as the temper, the sense of direction or the cupboard doors left open, and you will recognize at least one of them.
What are you proudest of him for?
Why ask it
Listen for whether they name something he did or something he is, such as kind or stubborn. He may not have heard them say it out loud before, so give the answer a moment before anyone turns it into a joke.
Family life
What was a normal weekend like when he was growing up?
Why ask it
This asks about family life as it was lived, not about values in the abstract: sport, church, the shop, a long drive to see relatives. Whatever filled those Saturdays is probably what he still thinks a weekend is for.
Is there a dish that always turns up when the family gets together?
Why ask it
Nearly every family has one, and it comes with a history: whose recipe it was, who makes it now, and which relative is only ever asked to bring bread rolls. If it is on the table in front of you, compliment it first.
How does the family usually spend the holidays?
Why ask it
Find out which holidays they keep before assuming they are the ones your family does. Who hosts, who travels and how fixed the arrangement is will decide how much choice you and your boyfriend have when the next one comes round.
Are there family traditions I should know about?
Why ask it
From the inside every ritual seems ordinary: matching pajamas, a quiz with a trophy, a walk nobody is allowed to skip. Being told in advance is kinder than finding out on the day, and asking tells them you plan to be around for it.
How do birthdays work in this family?
Why ask it
In some families it is a card and a phone call, and in others it runs to a full weekend. Finding out now keeps you from underdoing a parent's birthday in your first year, which takes a while to live down.
Where did you all go on vacation when he was growing up?
Why ask it
The same campsite every summer and somewhere new each year describe two different households. Ask about the worst trip as well as the best, because the one where everything went wrong is the one they love telling.
Is there a team this family follows?
Why ask it
Best learned before a game is on and you cheer at the wrong moment. If they say yes, and seriously, ask who took him to his first game. In a house where nobody watches sport, you will hear what they do get competitive about instead.
Are his grandparents nearby, and what are they like?
Why ask it
Make sure first that you are not asking about someone the family has just lost. Where the grandparents are living, you find out whose opinion carries the most weight in the family, and you get a little warning before you meet them.
How often does the whole family get together?
Why ask it
Lunch every Sunday and twice a year are both ordinary, and a family that does one finds the other strange. Knowing which this is tells you how often you will be expected, and stops you from reading a quiet month as a snub.
What is the family like when everybody is together?
Why ask it
Parents tend to describe their own family with a raised eyebrow: loud, competitive at board games, three conversations at once. Ask who you should sit next to at the next big gathering and you will get a name and a reason.
Are there any house rules I should know while I am staying?
Why ask it
Meant for an overnight visit. Shoes at the door, when breakfast happens, which towel is yours and which room you are in are all easier asked plainly than guessed. Asking also makes it clear that you see it as their home and their rules.
Later on
Did you raise him the way you were raised, or did you do things differently?
Why ask it
One for late in a visit that is going well. Most parents have thought about it, and the rule they kept or the one they dropped explains a good deal about how he turned out. Leave it alone if he has told you that either of them had a hard childhood.
What was it like the first time you met each other's parents?
Why ask it
Save it until everyone has relaxed. It admits out loud what the day is, puts them back in your seat for a minute, and tends to produce a story about being terrified of somebody's mother.
What do you think has made your marriage last?
Why ask it
For parents who are plainly still fond of each other, and never for a couple he has described as strained. The answers worth having are specific and a little unromantic, like separate hobbies or a rule about who apologizes first.
What was it like for you when he moved out?
Why ask it
Only if he has, of course. Parents are seldom asked how that felt for them. You may get a joke about what became of his bedroom or something more tender, and either one shows how close the household was.
What should I know about the two of you that he would never think to tell me?
Why ask it
Asked with a smile, it gets a story that is new to you and now and then new to him: a band one of them played in, a year spent abroad. Here you are asking about them and not about their son, and parents notice the difference.
What advice would you give a couple who are just starting out?
Why ask it
Asked early it can sound like a bid for approval, so wait until the visit has gone well. Expect something practical about money, chores or going to bed angry. Thank them for it without promising to follow it.
Would you show me how to make one of the family recipes?
Why ask it
Really a request for another visit. Hold it until you have eaten the dish and can mean the compliment, and be ready for instructions that contain no measurements at all.
Is there anything you would like to ask me?
Why ask it
Opens the door to whatever they have been wondering, so they do not have to fish for it. Have two honest sentences ready on work or school, your family and where you grew up. It is fine to say that a question is one you would sooner answer another day.
What would you like the four of us to do next time?
Why ask it
Puts a plan into the goodbye. A walk, a game, a meal you cook for them: let them choose, and then see that it happens, since a named next time counts for more than a warm farewell.
What are you looking forward to this year?
Why ask it
It ends the visit on something ahead of them: a trip, a wedding, a grandchild's school play. Remember the answer, because asking how it went is the easiest first line for your next visit.
Meeting the parents
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you go
- Ask your boyfriend for the basics: names, who is divorced or remarried, who has died recently, any illness, and any subject that reliably starts an argument.
- Ask him directly what not to bring up. Most families have a few of these and he will know them.
- Take something small: flowers, something for after dinner, or something from where you live. It gives you something to do in the first thirty seconds.
- Find out whether it is a sit-down meal or an afternoon. It changes how much conversation you need to have ready.
- Pick five or six questions and leave the rest. Two from the first-meeting group, two about him and one about them will carry a dinner, and the other groups are there for the visits after this one.
What they will ask you
- Expect the same handful in most houses: what you do or study, where you grew up, what your own family is like, how the two of you met, and what you are planning next.
- Have two honest sentences ready for each and finish with a question back. A short answer is easier for them to follow up than a long one.
- Agree with your boyfriend beforehand on the answers you share, such as how you met and whether you plan to move in together, so that neither of you is surprised across the table.
While you are there
- Offer to help in the kitchen or with clearing up. Standing next to someone at a sink is easier than talking across a table, and a parent who was formal at dinner is often chattier with a tea towel in hand.
- Ask a question, listen to the answer, then ask about the answer. Working through a list makes it feel like an interview.
- Let there be silences. A pause while someone eats or thinks is not a failure, and hurrying to fill each one makes the meal feel like work.
- Give your boyfriend a way in when the talk turns to his childhood. Watching a parent and a partner discuss him in the third person is uncomfortable for anyone.
- Leave slightly before the conversation runs dry. Short and warm beats long and effortful, and it makes the second visit easier.
Awkward moments
So when are you two getting married
Usually meant as warmth rather than pressure. A short cheerful non-answer and a question straight back about their own wedding moves it along without a debate.
A political comment you disagree with
A first visit is not the moment to argue it out. Ask how they came to that view if you want to engage, or let it pass and change the subject. Neither is dishonest.
Comparison with a previous partner
It happens, and it is not always meant unkindly. Do not compete. Ask about something else, and let your boyfriend handle it if it is repeated.
A parent who barely speaks
Some people are quiet rather than hostile. Ask them about something practical they know about, a garden, a car, a job they had, and ask it directly rather than to the room.
Parents who are no longer together
Several questions here assume a couple: how they met, the wedding day, the best trip, what has made the marriage last. With parents who are divorced or widowed, leave those out unless they bring the subject up themselves, and lean on the questions about him and about each of them as individuals.
When it is your parents meeting him
- The questions parents ask a boyfriend are mostly plain ones: what he does or studies, where he grew up, what his family is like, how the two of you met, and what he wants to do next.
- Give him the briefing you would want from him: names, the subjects to avoid, and anything your parents feel strongly about.
- Tell your parents two or three things about him beforehand, such as his job, a hobby and where he is from, so that they have somewhere to start other than an interrogation.
Afterwards
- Send a short message or note thanking them for having you, and mention one specific thing from the visit. It is remembered out of proportion to the effort.
- Compare notes with your boyfriend about what you each noticed, but do not treat his family as a project to be analyzed.
- Write down two or three things you learned, a trip they mentioned, an illness in the family, the name of the dog. Remembering next time counts more than performing well this time.