Questions to Ask Boyfriend's Parents
Questions for meeting your boyfriend's parents for the first time, or for the visits after that. They are ordinary things people are glad to be asked, arranged so the easy ones come while everyone is still finding their footing.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How did the two of you meet?
Why ask it
The safest opening question in the room, and almost every couple enjoys telling it. It usually comes with a disagreement about the details, which does a lot to relax the atmosphere.
How did you end up living in this area?
Why ask it
Works whether they have been here fifty years or five. It gives them somewhere easy to start and often opens up work, family, and how the place has changed.
What did you both do for work?
Why ask it
Straightforward and often overlooked. Retired people in particular are used to being asked what they do now rather than what they did for thirty years.
What was he like as a small child?
Why ask it
The question they have been waiting for. Expect a story you will hear again at every family gathering, and notice which parent tells it and which one corrects it.
What did he get in trouble for?
Why ask it
Lighter than asking about his childhood in general, and it usually produces something affectionate. It also gives your boyfriend an easy way into the conversation.
What was a normal weekend like when the children were at home?
Why ask it
Gets at family life as it was actually lived rather than at values in the abstract: sport, church, the shop, a long drive to see relatives. This is where you learn what he will expect of a weekend.
Which of his interests came from you?
Why ask it
Flattering without being obvious, and it usually points to the parent he is closest to. It also gives you a subject you can return to on later visits.
What are you both into at the moment?
Why ask it
Keeps them in the present rather than only in the past. Look for one thing you can ask about again next time, which matters more than finding something in common now.
Is there a dish that always turns up when the family gets together?
Why ask it
Food is neutral ground and nearly everyone has an answer. It often leads to who cooks, whose recipe it was, and which relative is not allowed to bring anything.
How do you usually do holidays?
Why ask it
Practical information you will need. Who hosts, who travels, and how fixed the arrangement is decides how much choice you and your boyfriend will have next December.
How often does everyone tend to see each other?
Why ask it
Sets expectations early, and families differ enormously here. Weekly Sunday lunch and twice a year are both normal, and knowing which one this is prevents a lot of misunderstanding.
What has changed most around here since you moved in?
Why ask it
Reliable with parents who are quiet or hard to draw out, because it asks for observation rather than opinion. It also produces the local knowledge you will be glad of later.
What is the family like when everybody is together?
Why ask it
Lets them describe their own dynamic, sometimes wryly. It tells you what you are walking into at the next big gathering and who to expect to be difficult.
What do you do when the house is quiet?
Why ask it
Turns the conversation to them as individuals rather than as parents, which many people are pleased to be asked about after years of the other kind of question.
What did your own parents do that you kept, and what did you decide not to?
Why ask it
A step deeper, best saved for later in the visit. It usually gets a thoughtful answer and explains a lot about how your boyfriend was raised.
What are you proud of him for?
Why ask it
Easy for them and warming for him. Notice whether they name an achievement or a quality, since it tells you what gets recognized in this family.
What is something about you he would not have thought to tell me?
Why ask it
Playful, and it usually gets a genuinely new story. It also signals that you came to know them rather than to be inspected.
What advice do you give people just starting out together?
Why ask it
Better later in the visit than early, when it can sound like you are asking for approval. Most parents enjoy the question and answer it more plainly than you expect.
Is there anything you would like to know about me?
Why ask it
Polite, and it lets them ask what they have been wondering rather than fishing. Have a short honest answer ready about work, family, and where you grew up.
What are you looking forward to this year?
Why ask it
A good closing question because it ends on something ahead of them, and it often produces a trip or an event you can ask about the next time you see them.
Meeting the parents
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you go
- Ask your boyfriend for the basics: names, who is divorced or remarried, who has died recently, any illness, and any subject that reliably starts an argument.
- Ask him directly what not to bring up. Every family has two or three of these and he will know them.
- Take something small, flowers, something for after dinner, or something from where you live. It gives you something to do in the first thirty seconds.
- Find out whether it is a sit-down meal or an afternoon. It changes how much conversation you need to have ready.
While you are there
- Offer to help in the kitchen or with clearing up. Standing next to someone at a sink is easier than talking across a table, and it is where the real conversation usually happens.
- Ask a question, listen to the answer, then ask about the answer. Working through a list makes it feel like an interview.
- Let there be silences. Filling every one is more tiring for them than for you.
- Give your boyfriend a way in when the talk turns to his childhood. Watching a parent and a partner discuss him in the third person is uncomfortable for anyone.
- Leave slightly before the conversation runs dry. Short and warm beats long and effortful, and it makes the second visit easier.
Awkward moments
So when are you two getting married
Usually meant as warmth rather than pressure. A short cheerful non-answer and a question straight back about their own wedding moves it along without a debate.
A political comment you disagree with
A first visit is not the moment to litigate it. Ask a question about how they came to that view if you want to engage, or let it pass and change subject. Neither is dishonest.
Comparison with a previous partner
It happens, and it is rarely intended unkindly. Do not compete. Ask about something else and let your boyfriend handle it if it is repeated.
A parent who barely speaks
Some people are quiet rather than hostile. Ask them about something practical they know about, a garden, a car, a job they had, and ask it directly rather than to the room.
Afterwards
- Send a short message or note thanking them for having you, and mention one specific thing from the visit. It is remembered out of proportion to the effort.
- Compare notes with your boyfriend about what you each noticed, but do not treat his family as a project to be analyzed.
- Write down two or three things you learned, a trip they mentioned, an illness in the family, the name of the dog. Remembering next time counts more than performing well this time.