Questions to Ask Dad
For an ordinary conversation rather than an occasion. 70 questions in six groups, each with a note on what to listen for. Five groups are for your own dad: the house he grew up in, the jobs he took and hated, money, how he met your mother and what the first years of being a father were actually like, then the two of you, what he noticed when you were growing up and what he holds back, and the years ahead: what he still hopes to do, where the paperwork is and who to call. Some ask about something solid, a first car or a first wage, for a father who does not say much. The last group, Any dad, is for a father who is not yours, a father-in-law, a stepfather or a friend with a new baby. It asks about fatherhood itself, so it works when you have no childhood in common.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Growing up
Describe the house you grew up in. Who else was in it?
Why ask it
Asking him to describe a place gives him something concrete to start from, which is easier than being asked what his childhood was like. Rooms, who slept where and who was always there tend to bring out details that a general question never reaches.
What did your own father do for work, and did you understand it at the time?
Why ask it
Children rarely understand a parent's job, and the gap between what he knew then and knows now is where the interesting part sits. It also sets up a comparison he may make himself, about what you understood of his own work.
What were you afraid of when you were young?
Why ask it
Fathers who present as unworried are often the ones who worked hardest at hiding it. A concrete answer here, being sent away, not having money, his own father's temper, explains more about how he raised you than any question about parenting philosophy.
What were you like at sixteen? Would I have got on with you?
Why ask it
The second half changes the question from biography into something playful, and it often produces an admission he would not otherwise offer. Expect the answer to conflict with the version of him you grew up with, which is the point.
What was your first car, and what happened to it?
Why ask it
A low stakes question that produces a story rather than an answer, which is why it works as an opener. Most men remember the price, the faults, and the way it eventually died in some detail.
What did you do on a Friday night when you were twenty?
Why ask it
A specific evening rather than a whole era. Naming the pub, the ground or the road gives him something to hold on to.
What did you and your mates do that you would not want repeated?
Why ask it
Framed as mischief rather than confession, this gets answers where a direct question would not. Keep it light.
When did you stop feeling like you were pretending to be an adult?
Why ask it
The common answer is never, delivered as a joke, and it is worth taking seriously. It is also unusually reassuring if you are at the age of feeling like an impostor yourself.
Work and money
What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
Money and work are safe territory for most fathers, and the figure usually leads straight into what things cost then, what he did with the money, and who he worked alongside. It is a good first question because it asks for facts rather than feelings.
What was the first thing you bought with money you had earned?
Why ask it
A specific object anchors a whole period: the job, what he was paid, what things cost, who he was trying to impress. It is a light question that reliably produces a story rather than a sentence.
How did you end up in the work you did?
Why ask it
Careers look intentional from the outside and rarely were. The answer usually involves an accident or a person, and it tells you how much of his working life he chose and how much simply happened.
What job did you hate, and how long did you stay in it?
Why ask it
The length of time is the revealing part, because it tells you what he thought his options were and what he was carrying. Men of many generations were not asked about work they disliked, only about work they got, so this is often new ground.
What jobs have you had that you never talk about?
Why ask it
Most working lives contain a stretch that got left off the story: a business that failed, a period of unemployment, work he took because he had to. Framing it as never talked about gives him permission without accusation, and this is often the most surprising answer of the day.
When were you most short of money, and what did you do about it?
Why ask it
Families often have a period like this that was never explained to the children, and he may assume you already knew. His answer usually explains a house move, a car, a holiday that did not happen, or why he is careful in a particular way now.
What were you good at that you never really got to use?
Why ask it
Most people carry an abandoned ability: a sport, an instrument, a trade they half trained for. It rarely comes up because there is no occasion to mention it, and it is often the answer children find most surprising about a parent they thought they knew.
What did you expect to be doing by forty that you never did?
Why ask it
This is the ambition question without the word ambition, and it is easier to answer than being asked about regrets. Some men have a specific answer they have never said aloud, and it usually explains something about how he pushed or did not push you.
Family
How did you meet my mother, and what did you honestly think at first?
Why ask it
Asking for the first impression rather than the story gets you past the version told at anniversaries. Adapt it to your family: whoever the person was, the question works because first impressions are remembered with unusual precision.
How did the two of you decide the big things: where to live, when to have children?
Why ask it
Family history gets retold as though it were planned. Often the truth is a job that came up, a house that was cheap, a pregnancy that arrived first. Hearing how much was chance rather than design tends to change how you judge your own indecision.
What have you learned about staying with someone for a long time?
Why ask it
Whether his marriage lasted or not, he has watched this question closely for decades. The useful answers tend to be unromantic and specific: what he stopped fighting about, when he apologised, what he wishes he had noticed sooner.
What scared you about becoming a father?
Why ask it
Asking about the fear rather than the joy gets you something specific: money, his own father, whether he would be any good at it. Men of some generations were never asked this when it was happening, and many have an answer that has been waiting decades.
What do you remember about the day I was born?
Why ask it
Ask for the small details: where he was, who told him, what he did afterwards, who he called. Fathers of earlier generations were often kept at a distance from the birth itself, and how he talks about that gap is worth hearing.
What was the first year of being a father actually like?
Why ask it
The word actually gives permission for something other than joy, and fathers of older generations were rarely asked at all. Answers about fear, boredom or feeling peripheral are common and often a relief to say.
What did you think you were supposed to be like as a father?
Why ask it
Men often inherit a job description without noticing. Asking about the expectation rather than the performance makes it easier to answer honestly.
What did you copy from your own father, and what did you decide to do differently?
Why ask it
The most revealing question on this list, because almost every man has a private list on both sides. The things he chose to break tell you what he was carrying, and often explain a habit of his that puzzled you as a child.
What did you and my mother disagree about most when we were small?
Why ask it
Children absorb the tension without the subject, so this often fills in something you half remember. Keep it to the topic rather than to who was right, and expect him to be more diplomatic than accurate.
What did you give up so that we could have something?
Why ask it
Men often decline to mention this, so asking directly is the only way it surfaces. Be ready for a modest answer, and for the possibility that what he gave up was something you never wanted.
Was there a point when you thought you were getting it wrong with me?
Why ask it
This is a generous question rather than an accusation, and it lands better if you have already spent an hour on his own childhood. Whatever he names is worth listening to without correcting, even if you remember it differently.
What was going on in our family that I was too young to notice?
Why ask it
There is usually something: a job loss, an illness, a relative in trouble, money that came from somewhere specific. Asking directly gives him a way to tell you now that the protecting is no longer necessary.
Is there a decision you made for us that you have never explained?
Why ask it
Moves, school changes and family rifts are the common ones, and the reasoning is often more considered than it looked from a child's height. If he cannot think of one, ask about a specific thing you remember not understanding.
What has changed most about how families work since you were raising us?
Why ask it
This lets him compare rather than confess, which usually gets a longer answer. It often leads back to his own choices without you having to ask directly.
You and him
What did you notice about me as a kid that you never mentioned?
Why ask it
Parents watch far more closely than children realize, and this asks for the observation rather than the verdict. Answers tend to be small and precise, about how you handled losing or who you were trying to impress, and they land harder than a compliment.
What was I like as a teenager, from where you were standing?
Why ask it
You get his side of a period you probably remember as conflict, and his account is usually less critical than you expect. Ask what he worried about then, because that is the part he almost certainly never said out loud at the time.
What did you decide about me early on that turned out to be wrong?
Why ask it
Parents form impressions fast and rarely revise them out loud. This gives him a way to say that he was mistaken without it becoming an apology.
When did you stop thinking of me as a child?
Why ask it
There is usually a moment, and it is rarely a milestone: a decision you made, a problem you handled without calling him. Hearing it tells you how he currently sees you, which is more reliable than asking him that directly.
When were you proudest of me, and did you say so at the time?
Why ask it
The second clause is the whole question. Many fathers name a moment you had no idea registered, and the reason they gave for not mentioning it is usually more revealing than the moment itself.
Which of your habits do you see in me, and how do you feel about that?
Why ask it
The second half is the part that matters. Fathers often see inherited traits they are not pleased to have passed on.
What do I probably remember wrong about our family?
Why ask it
This invites correction without a confrontation, and it works because he has almost certainly wanted to correct something for years. Be ready to hear that a story you have told about your own childhood is not quite what happened.
What do you think I get wrong about you?
Why ask it
It invites a correction, which is easier to give than a confession. Expect it to be about money, work or how much he noticed.
Was there a point when our relationship changed, and do you know why?
Why ask it
Leaving home, a row, a marriage, a death. Naming the moment is often the first step to talking about it properly.
What advice do you hold back from giving me?
Why ask it
Most fathers of adult children are consciously biting their tongue about something. Asking for it deliberately gets it said once, in a calm moment, instead of leaking out as criticism over a decade.
Is there anything you have not told me because you thought I was too young?
Why ask it
Placed late, this is a straightforward invitation, and the answer may be nothing at all. If it is something, do not react to it in the moment beyond thanking him, because how you take the first disclosure determines whether there is a second.
What do you want from me that you would not think to ask for?
Why ask it
The phrasing gives him permission, which men of his generation frequently need. The requests tend to be modest, more regular phone calls, help with a specific task, and easy to meet once they have been named.
Now and ahead
What do you do with your days now that you did not have time for before?
Why ask it
Treats his current life as a subject rather than a retirement. It is also a practical question, because the answer tells you what he would actually welcome company for.
Which friendships have lasted, and which did you let go of?
Why ask it
Men's friendships often thin out quietly in middle age, and the ones that survived say something about him that his work and family life do not. Ask what happened with a name you have not heard in years rather than pressing the general question.
What are you proud of that has nothing to do with work or us?
Why ask it
Men are frequently defined by their job and their family and asked about nothing else. Ruling both out forces a different answer, and it is usually the one he most wants to give.
What have you changed your mind about?
Why ask it
Recent changes are worth more than old ones, so ask what caused it. Politics, religion, how to treat someone, what money is for: a father who can describe changing his mind is a father you can disagree with productively, and that is useful to establish.
What do you know now that you wish you had known at thirty?
Why ask it
Thirty is specific enough to stop him reaching for a slogan. Most fathers answer with something about work, money or patience, and it is worth asking what finally taught him.
What do you worry about now?
Why ask it
Fathers routinely under-report this, and the honest answers are often about health, money outlasting them, or one particular family member. Whatever it is, resist the urge to solve it in the same conversation.
What do you regret, and does it still bother you?
Why ask it
The second half matters as much as the first, because a regret he has made peace with is a different conversation from one he is still carrying. Do not fill the pause and do not talk him out of it. Being heard is the point.
What do you wish you had said to someone who is no longer here?
Why ask it
This is one of the few questions that reliably gets past a lifetime of understatement, and it is usually about his own father or a brother. Leave a long silence after asking, and be ready for the conversation to stop there for the day.
What do you wish you had asked your own parents?
Why ask it
An easier route into this territory than asking what he wants you to know, and the answer doubles as a list of what to ask him. People often realize mid-sentence that they are describing a conversation you are both still able to have.
What are you still hoping to do?
Why ask it
Deliberately forward-looking, and it corrects the assumption that his plans have finished. If he names something that is genuinely possible, treat it as a request rather than an observation, since many people never mention it twice.
What would you like us to do together that we have never got round to?
Why ask it
Turns the conversation into a plan rather than a reflection, and it avoids the note of urgency that makes a father suspect he is being humoured. A named activity, a trip, a project, a standing fixture, is worth more to most fathers than another conversation about feelings.
What is something you know how to do that I never learned?
Why ask it
It rests on his expertise rather than his feelings, and it often turns into an offer to teach you. That is usually the better outcome anyway.
What would you want to happen if you could no longer manage on your own?
Why ask it
Asking about preferences in advance is easier than deciding under pressure. Let him answer in general terms if that is where he wants to stay.
Where do you keep the important paperwork, and who should I call first?
Why ask it
Asked once, calmly, this saves an enormous amount of difficulty later. Most fathers are relieved to have been asked rather than offended.
What would you want your grandchildren to know about you?
Why ask it
A better closing question than asking about legacy, because it is concrete and gives him someone specific to speak to. Write down what he says the same day, in his words, including the phrasing that sounds most like him.
What have I never asked you that you would have answered?
Why ask it
A good place to stop, because it hands him the floor. What comes out is usually the thing he has been waiting to be given permission to say, and it is often not a story at all but a plain sentence about how he feels about you.
Any dad
Before you had children, what did you picture a normal day as a father looking like?
Why ask it
Almost every father has a gap between the picture and what turned up, and describing the picture needs no shared history, which makes this a fair opener with a father-in-law or a stepfather. Ask which part of the picture survived.
What advice did you get that turned out to be useless?
Why ask it
New parents are buried in advice, and the useless kind is safe to laugh about, so this suits a man you have only just met. Follow it with who gave him the advice that held up, which is usually a shorter and more interesting list.
What surprised you most about having a small child in the house?
Why ask it
He can take this lightly, the noise, the washing, the hour the day starts, or seriously, and which way he goes tells you how personal the rest of the conversation can get. A new father will answer in the present tense, so ask what last week's surprise was.
What part of being a father did you enjoy more than you expected?
Why ask it
Fathers get asked about the hard parts far more often than the pleasure, so this tends to get the warmest answer of the conversation. Listen for an age or a routine, bath time, the school run, a team he coached, and ask whether it is still going.
How did having children change what you do for work?
Why ask it
Hours, travel, a promotion he turned down or a job he took for the money: men are rarely asked about this side of the trade. Whether he tells it as a loss, a relief or simply what happened says a good deal about how he weighs work against home.
What do you find hardest now, at the age your children are?
Why ask it
A father of a three year old and a father of a thirteen year old have almost nothing in common, so tying the question to the current stage gets a real answer instead of a general one. With a father of adults it still works, and the answer is often about staying out of their decisions.
What is the best day you have had with your kids?
Why ask it
One day gives you a story with a place, the weather and something that went wrong, where asking what he loves about it gets a general feeling. Ask what made that day different from the ones around it, since the answer is usually something small he could repeat.
What do you think your children will remember about this stage?
Why ask it
It asks him to look at his own house from a child's height, and the answer is often more sentimental than he would admit to being. If his children are grown, ask what they do bring up, and whether it is what he would have guessed.
When you get something wrong with your kids, how do you put it right?
Why ask it
Apology and repair are the part of fatherhood men talk about least with each other. Ask for the last time it happened instead of his principle, and if he says it has never come up, leave it there.
What do people misunderstand about fathers, in your experience?
Why ask it
This gives him room for something he may have wanted to say for years: being treated as the helper, being praised for doing the ordinary, being the parent the school never phones. It works with a father you barely know because he can answer about fathers in general and still mean himself.
What do you want from your children when they are adults?
Why ask it
Regular contact, honesty, grandchildren, being left in peace: the answers vary more than you would guess. If he is your father-in-law or your stepfather, he is close to telling you what he hopes for from your household, so listen instead of reassuring him.
What would you say to someone about to become a father for the first time?
Why ask it
Even a reluctant talker usually has one line ready for this, and if you are the one about to become a parent, say so, because the answer gets more practical. If the line comes out too polished, ask what he wishes he had been told before his first was born.
How to use these questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting it up
Do it side by side if he is not a talker
Many fathers say more in a car, on a walk, or while doing a job together than they do across a table. Sitting face to face with a list can feel like an interview, and the same question asked while driving often gets three times the answer.
Say why you are asking
One sentence does it: that it occurred to you how little you know about a part of his life. Without it, a run of questions from nowhere can sound like a test, or like you have had bad news you are not sharing.
Use photographs as prompts
An old picture does more work than any question, because it fixes a date and a place and brings up names. Go through a box of them and ask who each person was and what happened to them.
Take three questions per sitting
This is not a single conversation. Three questions answered properly, revisited over months, gets you far more than a long session that exhausts you both and covers everything shallowly.
Ask permission before recording
A voice recording preserves his phrasing and the way he tells a story, which is the part you will most want later. Ask first, keep the device out of the way, and offer to delete anything he would rather not keep.
While he is talking
- Leave silences. The most useful sentences usually arrive several seconds after you would normally have filled the gap.
- Do not correct his version of events, even when you remember it differently. You can hold both accounts, and arguing about the facts ends the story.
- Follow the names. Any person he mentions in passing is worth a question, and that is where the family history actually lives.
- Ask what he was doing rather than how he felt. Most men of older generations answer the first question and deflect the second, and the feeling comes through the detail anyway.
- Write down names, dates and places while you remember them. Recordings are hard to search, and the spelling of a great-grandmother's village is easy to lose.
Handling the harder ground
Accept a closed door the first time
If he changes the subject, let him. Returning to it in a month, once, is far more likely to work than pressing it now, and he will remember that you did not push.
Do not use the conversation to settle something
If you want an apology or an explanation for something specific between the two of you, that is a legitimate conversation and a separate one. Mixing it into questions about his life tends to end both.
Keep the practical question calm
Questions about papers, wishes and who to call are easier for everyone when they are asked in an ordinary week rather than in a hospital corridor. Ask once, take notes, and do not turn it into a longer discussion than he wants.
Notice if memory is the difficulty
If dates and sequences are slipping in a way that is new, adjust rather than test him: photographs, one topic at a time, and no questions that require him to reconstruct a chronology. If it concerns you, raise it with him and his doctor separately rather than during a conversation about his life.
With a dad who is not yours, stay on fatherhood
A father-in-law, a stepfather or a friend owes you no family history, so the Any dad group keeps to what being a father has been like for him. Leave his marriage, his money and his own parents alone unless he brings them up, and offer something about yourself in return so it does not feel like an interview.