Questions to Ask Elderly People
Questions for visiting an older relative, neighbour, or care home resident. They mix the present with the past, starting with what the week has held and ending with what they actually need and when you should come back.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What have you been doing this week?
Why ask it
Older people are usually asked about their health first and their life second, which makes for a dull visit. Starting in the present also tells you quickly whether the week held anything at all, which is worth knowing before you decide how long to stay.
What are you reading or watching at the moment?
Why ask it
This treats them as somebody with current taste rather than a source of history. Strong opinions about a series or a book give you a subject you can pick up next time without starting from nothing.
Who do you talk to most these days?
Why ask it
The answer maps their actual social life, which is often smaller than the family assumes. If the only names are staff or a daughter on the phone, that is useful information for whoever is arranging support.
What are you good at that most people would not guess?
Why ask it
Almost everyone has something: sewing, cards, engines, singing, arithmetic done in the head. Asking gives them a subject where they are the expert in the room, which changes the shape of the whole conversation.
What is the best thing about living here, and what is the worst?
Why ask it
Asking for both makes the second half answerable without it sounding like a complaint. In a care setting, keep in mind who can overhear, and follow up privately rather than pressing in a shared lounge.
What did you do for work, and what part of it did you like?
Why ask it
The second half stops the answer at a job title. People who worked in ordinary jobs often describe skill and pride that never appeared on any record of their life.
What were you like at twenty?
Why ask it
This invites the version of themselves nobody in the room has met. It also tends to produce the funny and unflattering stories that a question about their youth in general does not.
What is the best trip you ever took?
Why ask it
Travel stories are safe, well rehearsed, and easy to tell on a low-energy day. Ask who they went with, because the answer often opens onto a friendship or a marriage you did not know about.
What music do you still put on?
Why ask it
Present tense matters: this is about what they choose now, not what was in the charts when they were young. If they name something, play it, since it is one of the few things you can do on the spot that improves the visit.
What did your family eat on a Sunday when you were young?
Why ask it
Food is unusually reliable as a prompt, and it reaches the kitchen, the table, and who sat where. It works even when memory is patchy, because the routine is remembered when specific days are not.
What were you taught to do that nobody bothers with now?
Why ask it
This asks for expertise rather than nostalgia, so you tend to get a demonstration rather than a lament. Bring the materials next time if it is something they can still show you.
What has got better in your lifetime?
Why ask it
Asking for improvement first breaks the assumption that older people only want to say things have declined. Answers often mention dentistry, heating, washing machines, or how children are treated, which are not the answers people expect.
And what has got worse?
Why ask it
Following the previous question rather than leading with it produces something more considered than a general complaint. Listen for whether the loss is practical, such as buses and post offices, or social, such as neighbours knowing each other.
What do people get wrong about being your age?
Why ask it
This gives them a chance to correct the way they are handled, and the answers are frequently pointed: being spoken about in the third person, being told they look well, having decisions made in the corridor.
What is the best advice you were ever given, and did you take it?
Why ask it
The second half saves this from becoming a proverb. Admitting they ignored it is usually the beginning of the more interesting story.
Is there something you still want to do?
Why ask it
Ambition is rarely asked about after a certain age, and the answers are often small and achievable: seeing a particular person, going back to a street, eating something specific. Some of them you can arrange.
What is the hardest part of the day for you?
Why ask it
This gets at the practical shape of their life without asking them to list their ailments. Answers such as the early evening, getting up, or Sunday afternoons tell whoever is organising support exactly when help is worth most.
What do you miss most?
Why ask it
Expect a person, a place, or a capability, and expect it to be said plainly. Do not rush to console; acknowledging it and staying in the chair is more use than changing the subject.
Is there anything you need that nobody has thought to offer?
Why ask it
Most people will not ask unprompted, and the requests that surface are usually small: a phone number written larger, a lightbulb, help with a form, a haircut. This is the question most likely to change something this week.
When would you like me to come back?
Why ask it
It hands them a decision, which is scarce in institutional settings, and it turns a one-off visit into something expected. If you name a day, keep it, because a missed visit costs more than the visit was worth.
Making the visit work
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Practicalities that decide how it goes
Sit where you can be heard
Face them, in good light, on the side of the better ear, and turn off the television first. Most conversations that are blamed on confusion are really about a hearing aid battery, a noisy room, or someone speaking while looking away.
Pick your hour
Many people are sharpest in the morning and tired by late afternoon. In care settings, avoid mealtimes and medication rounds, and ask staff when their usual quiet stretch falls.
Half an hour is a visit
Short and regular beats long and rare. If they are enjoying it they will keep you, and leaving while it is still going well makes the next visit easier to arrange.
How to talk
- Speak at normal volume until you know otherwise. Shouting distorts sound and is heard as being talked down to.
- Skip the singsong voice, the pet names, and words like sweetie. Adults notice, and it changes how they answer.
- Ask one question at a time and then wait. Recall can be slow without being impaired, and filling the pause loses the answer.
- Do not test them. Asking whether they remember your name or what they had for lunch turns a visit into an examination.
- If they tell the same story again, listen for the detail that is new to you rather than saying you have heard it.
When the conversation is hard
If they are confused
Follow the version of reality they are in. Correcting the year or telling them a dead relative is dead usually causes distress and does not improve the next ten minutes. Answer the feeling behind the question instead.
If they say they want to die
Do not argue and do not change the subject. Ask what the worst part is, listen, and tell staff or family afterwards. Being taken seriously once tends to matter more than any reassurance you could offer.
If they are angry or blunt
Illness, pain, and loss of independence show up as irritability, and it is rarely about the visitor. Keep the visit short, do not take the bait, and come back, since consistency is what eventually changes it.
If they cannot talk much
Sit with them, describe what you can see out of the window, read aloud, look at photographs, or bring music. Presence without conversation still registers, and hearing usually outlasts speech.
Afterwards
- Act on anything small they asked for before you forget it. This is what makes you welcome next time.
- Pass on anything that sounded like a change in health, mood, or safety to the person who can do something about it.
- Note one or two things they said so you can open with them next visit. Being remembered is the point.
- Fix the next date before you leave, or say plainly when you will call instead of implying you will come.