Questions to Ask Foreigners
Questions for talking with someone who lives a long way from where they grew up, whether that is a new colleague, a neighbour, or someone you met at a party. They cover what they noticed on arrival, what is hard about ordinary life here, what they miss, and whether they intend to stay.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How long have you been here, and what brought you?
Why ask it
The opener that does the least work and the most good, because it lets them choose how much to explain. Study, a job, a partner, and a situation at home are very different stories, and they will tell you which one this is.
What was the first thing you noticed when you arrived?
Why ask it
Asks for a memory rather than an opinion, so it is easy to answer even in a second language. The answers are usually sensory and specific, the light, the bread, how quiet the streets were, which is far better conversation than a comparison of countries.
What is the hardest ordinary thing to do here?
Why ask it
Registering with a doctor, opening a bank account, or understanding a phone contract are the daily frictions that visitors never see and residents forget. If you know the answer to what they name, this is the moment you become useful rather than merely curious.
What do people here always get wrong about where you are from?
Why ask it
Lets them correct the record without your having to guess which stereotype to apologize for. Note that some people are tired of this question, so drop it immediately if the answer is short.
What do you cook when you are homesick?
Why ask it
Much better than asking what food their country is known for, because it gets you one dish attached to a person. Ask where they buy the ingredients here, which is often a story about the whole first year.
What word or phrase from your language do you wish English had?
Why ask it
Nearly everyone bilingual has one ready, and explaining it requires them to describe a feeling or a situation rather than a fact. Keep it to one, and resist steering the conversation toward swear words.
What is funny at home that does not land here?
Why ask it
Humour is where people feel most foreign, and this asks about that gap without making it heavy. Whatever they describe, irony, understatement, teasing, tells you how they will read your own jokes.
What is the etiquette here you had to learn the hard way?
Why ask it
Produces a story with an embarrassment already resolved, which is comfortable to tell. It also reveals unwritten local rules you never had to learn yourself, about queues, tipping, punctuality, or how directly people say no.
What do people do here that would be considered rude where you grew up?
Why ask it
Sharper than asking about differences in general, and worth asking only once you are past small talk. Take the answer without defending your country, since a defensive response is what teaches people to stop answering honestly.
What has turned out to be easier here than at home?
Why ask it
Balances the conversation away from a list of complaints, and the answers are often unexpected: paperwork, cycling, being left alone. It also shows what they were dealing with before they came, without your having to ask directly.
What did you expect this place to be like before you arrived?
Why ask it
Reveals what films, news, and other people's stories had promised them, and how far off it was. Their disappointments are usually more interesting than their pleasant surprises.
What do you miss that is not food or family?
Why ask it
Ruling out the two obvious answers is what makes this worth asking. What comes next is usually specific and slightly odd, a radio programme, a smell in autumn, a particular kind of shop, and it is where the real conversation starts.
If I had one day where you grew up, what would you send me to do?
Why ask it
One day forces a choice, and what they pick is rarely the famous thing. Ask whether they would go with you, which quietly tells you how they feel about the place now.
What is the thing at home that tourists queue for and locals avoid?
Why ask it
Gives them the pleasure of correcting a guidebook, and it usually comes with a better alternative attached. Expect a strong opinion, and ask what they take visiting friends to instead.
What do you read or watch to keep up with home?
Why ask it
Shows how connected they still are and to what, whether that is news, a football league, or family voice notes. Someone who has stopped following home entirely has usually made a decision worth asking about.
How often do you get back, and what is the first thing you do when you land?
Why ask it
The second half is the good part, and the answers are almost always small and specific. If the honest answer is that they have not been back in years, do not push on why unless they open it.
What question do you get asked most, and are you tired of it?
Why ask it
Gives them a chance to draw a line, and the answer tells you what to avoid for the rest of the evening. Asking it shows more consideration than carefully guessing would.
What do you find yourself defending about home when you are here?
Why ask it
People often criticize their own country freely until an outsider does it, and this question is about that reflex. It gets at a genuine attachment more honestly than asking what they are proud of.
What has living here changed about how you see the place you came from?
Why ask it
Best asked of someone who has been away for years rather than months. Answers tend to be mixed rather than nostalgic or bitter, and that mixture is the honest experience of living between two places.
Do you think you will stay, and what would decide it?
Why ask it
Ask this late, and only if the conversation has earned it, since for some people the answer involves visas, family illness, or things they cannot control. What they name as the deciding factor is usually the thing occupying most of their thinking.
How to Have This Conversation Without Making It an Interview
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Doing It Well
Ask About Their Life, Not Their Nation
What is your country's attitude to family is an essay nobody wants to write standing up. What was your street like, what did your mother cook, what did you do after school: these are answerable, and the larger picture comes out of them anyway.
Go First
Offer your own answer before asking theirs, especially on anything about etiquette, family, or politics. A conversation in which only one person is explaining their background quickly stops feeling like a conversation.
Two or Three, Not Twenty
Pick a couple that suit the setting and let the rest go. A queue of prepared questions turns a chance meeting into a survey, and the best material generally arrives as a digression from the first answer.
Learn Their Name Properly
Ask them to say it, say it back, and ask if that was right. Accepting a nickname invented for other people's convenience is something plenty of people do for years without being asked whether they mind.
Take the Criticism Without Defending
If you ask what seems rude here, you will hear something about your own country. Say that is interesting rather than explaining why they have misunderstood, or that will be the last honest answer you get.
Common Pitfalls
Where Are You Really From
Asked of someone who has already answered, it says you did not accept the answer. If you are curious about heritage, wait for them to raise it, or ask where they grew up, which is a question about a place rather than about whether they belong.
Opening With Politics or War
A conflict, a regime, or an election at home may be the reason they left, and it is not small talk. Let them bring it up; if they do, ask about their family's situation rather than your opinion of the government.
Asking About Visas and Papers
Immigration status is private, sometimes precarious, and rarely any of your business. If they mention a deadline or an application, you can ask how it is going, which is support rather than an inquiry.
Complimenting the English
Your English is so good is meant kindly and lands as a reminder of being assessed. Better to react to what they said rather than to how they said it.
Treating Them as a Representative
No one person can speak for a country of millions, and being asked to over and over is tiring. Ask what they think, and ask separately whether that view is common where they are from.
Depending on the Setting
Ten Minutes at a Party
- 1How long have you been here, and what brought you
- 2What was the first thing you noticed when you arrived
- 3What word from your language do you wish English had
A New Colleague or Neighbour
- 1What is the hardest ordinary thing to do here
- 2What is the etiquette you had to learn the hard way
- 3What has turned out to be easier here than at home
- 4What do you cook when you are homesick
A Longer Conversation With a Friend
- 1What you miss that is not food or family
- 2What you find yourself defending about home
- 3What living here has changed about how you see it
- 4Whether you think you will stay, and what would decide it