Questions to Ask Fraternity Brothers
Questions for fraternity brothers, usable in a new member conversation, a big and little pairing, a chapter retreat, or a senior sendoff. Some are light, several are about what the chapter is getting wrong, and a few are for the brother who has gone quiet.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What actually made you sign, a person or the pitch?
Why ask it
Almost everyone says a person, and the name they give you is worth knowing: it tells you who is genuinely recruiting for this chapter regardless of who holds the title. If the answer is the pitch or the house, ask what has kept him since.
What did you think this place was going to be before you joined?
Why ask it
Gets at the gap between the recruitment version and the reality, which is the most useful thing a chapter can hear about itself. Newer members answer this far more honestly than seniors do.
Which brother did you not expect to be close with?
Why ask it
Better than asking who he is closest to, because it surfaces the friendship that crossed a class year or a social group. Those pairs are usually the ones holding a chapter together across the divides nobody talks about.
What is the dumbest thing you have agreed to in this house at two in the morning?
Why ask it
The laugh question, and it earns you the harder ones later. Keep it away from anything that could be a hazing story, and if that is where it goes, that is information about the chapter, not a funny anecdote.
What is the story about this chapter that gets told wrong every year?
Why ask it
Every chapter has one, and how it is told drifts with each pledge class. Getting the accurate version from an older brother is how a tradition stays something you are proud of rather than something you half remember.
What have you learned to do here that you could not do before?
Why ask it
Ask for a skill, not a feeling: running a meeting, managing a budget, calling a vendor, telling someone no. If a brother has nothing to name after two years, that says more about the chapter's leadership than about him.
What is one tradition here you would quietly retire?
Why ask it
Naming one is easier than criticizing the chapter in general, and most brothers have a candidate ready. Pay attention if several people name the same thing, because that is usually the event costing you members or money.
Which one should we protect even if it becomes inconvenient?
Why ask it
The counterweight to the previous question, and it tells you what the chapter's identity actually rests on. Answers about service, a dinner, or a ritual carry more weight than answers about a party.
Where do we waste the most money?
Why ask it
Brothers who pay dues know exactly where the money goes and are rarely asked. The answers tend to be specific, a vendor, an event, an unused room, and they give a treasurer something to act on this semester.
What does the exec board think is fine that the rest of the house does not?
Why ask it
The gap between leadership's self-image and the membership's experience is where chapters quietly decay. Ask it of members with no position, and expect the answer to be about communication, favoritism, or who does the work.
What do you tell your family about this place, and what do you leave out?
Why ask it
The second half is the question. What a brother edits out for his parents is a reasonable proxy for what he is not comfortable with, and it is a gentler route into that subject than asking directly.
What would make someone new decide in his first month that this was a mistake?
Why ask it
Framing it about a hypothetical new member gets a much franker answer than asking about his own experience. The answers are your retention problem, stated plainly and usually already known to everyone but the officers.
When did you last see somebody here treated badly, and what did you do?
Why ask it
Ask this one-to-one and do not fill the silence. The second half matters most, since a chapter's real culture is whatever people do while it is happening, not what the standards board says afterward.
Who here is having a hard time that we have all decided not to notice?
Why ask it
Brothers usually know before anyone official does. If a name comes up, ask what he needs rather than planning an intervention, and be ready with the campus counseling number instead of trying to handle it inside the chapter.
What would you want a brother to do if you were in trouble and not saying so?
Why ask it
Gets you a personal instruction you can actually follow: text me, show up, tell my roommate, do not make it a group thing. It is also a way of telling him you would notice.
What is the honest version of your plan after graduation?
Why ask it
Ask for the unsolved part specifically, because the polished answer gets repeated at every family dinner. Seniors are usually more worried and less sorted than they let on, and the unsolved part is where the chapter's alumni network could actually help.
Which alumni have you actually spoken to, and what came of it?
Why ask it
Tests whether the network is real or a recruitment line. A chapter where nobody can name a conversation has an alumni relations problem, and one that can should be introducing the rest of the members.
What do you want said about you here when you are not in the room?
Why ask it
Asks him to name a reputation rather than a role, and it is a rare chance to say it out loud. What he chooses is usually something he is not sure he has earned yet, which is worth hearing.
What would you tell yourself as a freshman about this house?
Why ask it
Produces advice with a story attached instead of a slogan, because he has to name what he got wrong. It is also the most useful thing a new member can hear from someone three years ahead of him.
When you come back in ten years, what do you hope is still here?
Why ask it
A good closing question, especially with seniors, and the answers point at what to write down before the people who remember it leave. If the answer is nothing, that is a serious thing said lightly and worth following up.
Running These Conversations in a Chapter
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to Use Them
Hard Questions Go One-to-One
Nobody answers a question about being treated badly, or about a brother who is struggling, in front of forty people. Take those to a walk, a drive, or a meal with two people, and use the chapter room for the ones about traditions and money.
Say What Happens With the Answers
Before a retreat discussion, state plainly what leaves the room and what goes to exec. Brothers give useful answers when they know whether they are talking to a friend or filing a report, and stop giving them once that gets blurred.
Ask the Quiet Members First
The three brothers who always speak will set the answer for everyone else. Go around deliberately, or collect written answers, and pay particular attention to anyone who has stopped coming to things.
Do It Sober and Early
Conversations that only happen at two in the morning after drinking are not remembered accurately by anyone. Schedule a real slot: a Sunday, a meal, the first half hour of a retreat before the day gets away from you.
Write Down What You Heard
Traditions worth keeping, money being wasted, and the reasons new members drift out are all things chapters rediscover every four years. One shared document, handed over at officer transition, keeps the answers from leaving with the seniors.
Common Pitfalls
Turning It Into a Required Exercise
A mandatory bonding session with a printed list produces the answers people think will end it fastest. Ask two or three questions in the course of something you were doing anyway, and let the rest happen when they happen.
Using Questions as Pressure on New Members
Any conversation where older brothers question a pledge and he cannot leave, decline, or ask his own is not a conversation. Questions should go both directions, and a new member should be free to skip any of them without comment.
Handling a Mental Health Answer In-House
If a brother tells you he is not coping, your job is to stay with him and connect him to the counseling center, an adviser, or emergency services, not to fix it inside the chapter. Know the number before you ask the question.
Collecting Complaints and Doing Nothing
Asking where the chapter is failing and then changing nothing costs more trust than never asking. Pick one item, fix it visibly within the semester, and say which question it came from.
Repeating a Story That Is Not Yours
What a brother tells you about his family, his money, or his mental health is his to share. Repeating it as chapter news, even sympathetically, is how people learn to give you nothing but the surface.
By Occasion
Getting to Know a New Member
- 1What actually made you sign, a person or the pitch
- 2What you thought this place was going to be
- 3What would make someone new decide this was a mistake
- 4What you would want a brother to do if you were in trouble
Chapter Retreat
- 1One tradition you would quietly retire
- 2One we should protect even if it becomes inconvenient
- 3Where we waste the most money
- 4What exec thinks is fine that the house does not
Big and Little, One-to-One
- 1The dumbest thing you have agreed to at two in the morning
- 2What you tell your family, and what you leave out
- 3When you last saw someone treated badly, and what you did
- 4What you would tell yourself as a freshman
Senior Sendoff
- 1What you have learned to do here that you could not before
- 2The honest version of your plan after graduation
- 3Which alumni you have actually spoken to
- 4What you hope is still here in ten years