Questions to Ask in an Arranged Marriage
Arranged marriage questions to ask once two families have introduced you with marriage in mind: at the first meeting, on the calls that follow, and before either side gives an answer. They run in both directions, for anyone deciding what to ask a girl in an arranged marriage meeting or what to ask a boy, and the fairest ones are those you would answer yourself. The 59 questions start with choice and daily life, move through family and in-laws, work and money, faith and habits, and the future, and end with the ones to settle before deciding. Many of the details (biodatas, horoscopes, joint households) come from Indian arranged marriages, but customs differ between families and countries, so skip whatever does not apply to yours.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
First meeting
What made you agree to meet me?
Why ask it
It might be a line in your biodata, a photograph, a cousin's recommendation, or 'my parents asked me to'. Any of these is a fair place to start. If it was the last, ask how they feel about marrying at all before you ask anything else.
Are you ready to get married now, or is the timing mostly your family's?
Why ask it
Ask it kindly and early, because everything else rests on it. Someone who wants this usually has reasons of their own; someone being hurried tends to talk about age, relatives, or a younger sibling waiting behind them.
What are you looking for in a husband or wife?
Why ask it
Expect a list of virtues at first: caring, understanding, family-minded. Ask which one they would keep if they could have only one, and what it looked like in someone they know.
What does an ordinary weekday look like for you right now?
Why ask it
The biodata says where they work, not when they leave the house, who makes dinner, or whether they ring their mother every evening. Those details are what you would be living alongside, so trade yours too.
How do you spend your free time when nobody has planned it for you?
Why ask it
Hobbies on a profile tend to read 'travel, music, reading' for everyone. An unplanned Sunday is harder to dress up. Someone who can't think of an answer may never have had much time of their own, so ask what they would do with it.
Where did you grow up, and what was your home like?
Why ask it
An easy one for a first meeting, because everyone can answer it at length. Listen for who was in the house (grandparents, cousins, a parent working away), since that is the picture of a household they carry with them.
How did this match come about on your side: did you pick my profile, or did your parents?
Why ask it
Parents shortlisting and the person choosing is one thing; parents choosing and the person agreeing is another. Hear which it was without judging it, and say which it was for you.
When something goes wrong, who is the first person you call?
Why ask it
The name shows where a husband or wife would sit in their order of trust. A parent or an older sibling is a common answer and no problem in itself. Ask whether they would expect that to change after the wedding.
How would the people closest to you describe you when you're under stress?
Why ask it
First meetings show the best-behaved version of both of you. Borrowing a sister's or a flatmate's description lets them admit to going quiet or snapping without it sounding like a confession, so offer yours in return.
Who are your closest friends, and how often do you see them?
Why ask it
Friends are the part of a person's life their family did not pick. Ask how long they have known each other, and whether you could meet one or two of them before you decide: an evening with friends shows a side that another sitting with the parents won't.
Is there anything on your biodata or profile that you'd explain differently in person?
Why ask it
Biodatas are often written by a parent or an uncle and polished for the audience. Offer a correction to your own first, even a small one about hobbies or height, and it becomes safe for them to correct theirs.
Have you met other people this way, and what did those meetings teach you?
Why ask it
Nobody owes a count. The useful part is why earlier matches did not go ahead, since the reasons a person gives for saying no are a fair sketch of what they need.
How long would you want us to talk before either family expects an answer?
Why ask it
Families often want a yes or a no after one or two meetings. Agreeing on a number of weeks between yourselves gives you both something to quote when the pressure comes, and a flat refusal to take any extra time is information too.
Family and home
Where do you expect us to live, and would you consider moving?
Why ask it
Find out whose city, whose job and whose parents the plan is built around. If the answer assumes one of you relocates, ask what that person would do for work and for company in the first six months.
Would we be living with either set of parents, now or later?
Why ask it
Where a joint household is the custom, nobody may think to mention it. Ask for how long, whether you would have a room and a kitchen of your own, and whether any couple in their family has lived separately.
What would your parents expect from a new daughter-in-law or son-in-law in the first year?
Why ask it
Expectations here tend to be specific: home for dinner, morning prayers, every Sunday at an aunt's house, a daily phone call. Get the list now, then ask which items they personally think are fair.
How involved do you expect our families to be in decisions we make together?
Why ask it
Put real cases to it: a job offer in another city, buying a house, a disagreement about children. Then ask who was consulted the last time they made a big choice of their own, such as a degree or a first job.
If one of your parents and I disagreed about how something is done at home, what would you do?
Why ask it
It is the scene most people dread and few rehearse. 'That won't happen' is not an answer; a workable one says how they would speak to the parent in private and what they would say to you afterwards.
How would you describe your parents' marriage, and what would you do differently?
Why ask it
It is the marriage they have watched most closely, so it is the one they are likeliest to repeat or to react against. If they would change nothing at all, ask who made the decisions at home and whether both parents were content with that.
Are you close to your brothers and sisters, and what part would they play in our life?
Why ask it
An unmarried sibling at home, a brother in the family business, or a sister settled abroad each change the household you would be joining. Find out who lives where and who depends on whom.
How often would you want to visit each side of the family, and where would we spend festivals?
Why ask it
Festivals are a concrete test of an even split, because there is one Diwali, Eid or Christmas a year and two homes that expect you. If one family's home is assumed every time, better to hear it while the calendar is still hypothetical.
Would you or your family expect me to change my name or the way I dress after the wedding?
Why ask it
Take it one item at a time: surname, clothes at home, clothes in front of elders, clothes at work. For each, ask whether the wish is theirs or a relative's, because a relative's wish is much harder to renegotiate later.
How much weight does your family give to horoscopes, caste or community, and how much do you?
Why ask it
Their own view and the family's can differ sharply, and you need to hear both. If a match on paper is the main reason you are sitting together, say so out loud and see what else each of you can name.
Which wedding customs matter to you, and which would you be glad to skip?
Why ask it
A wedding is the first project the two families run together, so it previews the later ones. Notice whether they hold opinions of their own or hand the whole subject to their parents.
What do our families expect about wedding costs and gifts, and are you comfortable with it?
Why ask it
Money that changes hands around a wedding is easier to discuss before it has been promised. If demands are being made of one side, ask where they personally stand. The law on dowry and wedding gifts differs by country, so check how it works where you live.
Work and money
What does your work involve, and where do you want it to go in the next five years?
Why ask it
The job title is already on the biodata. You are after the direction: a posting abroad, a family business to take over, an exam still being attempted, a plan to quit and start something.
Do you expect either of us to stop working or change jobs after the wedding, or after children?
Why ask it
Put it about both of you, not only the woman. 'We'll see' can hide a settled family view, so follow up by asking what their mother, sister or sister-in-law did.
If we both work, how would we share the cooking, the cleaning and the bills?
Why ask it
Nearly everyone agrees with fairness in general. Get down to who cooks on a weeknight, who stays home when a child is ill, and whose job gives way when both of you are needed in two places.
How would you feel if I earned more than you, or much less?
Why ask it
Ask it lightly, because pride tends to answer before thought does. What you want to learn is whether the bigger salary would decide whose job the household follows, and whether their parents would mind.
Are you planning to study further or move abroad, and what would that mean for me?
Why ask it
A degree or an overseas job can mean a dependent visa, a career pause, or two years apart. Whether a spouse may work differs by country and visa type, so ask what they have actually looked up.
Who manages money in your family, and how would you want us to handle it?
Why ask it
Some households hand every salary to a parent and some keep each person's strictly separate, and children tend to assume their own version is the normal one. Ask whether they picture a joint account, a monthly allowance, or each of you keeping your own.
Before we decide, are you willing to share what each of us really earns and has saved?
Why ask it
Relatives sometimes trade salary figures on your behalf, rounded upward. Exchanging the real numbers yourselves once things are serious is less awkward than it sounds, and it starts a habit you will want later.
Do you have loans, people who depend on your income, or other commitments I should know about?
Why ask it
An education loan, a sibling's fees or a monthly amount sent to parents is an ordinary thing to carry and a reasonable thing to ask about. What matters is hearing it before the wedding and from them, so name your own first.
Are you a saver or a spender, and what was the last big thing you bought?
Why ask it
The label is self-image and the purchase is evidence. A phone bought on instalments and jewellery bought for a sister's wedding describe two quite different relationships with money.
What would you want us to be saving for in the first five years?
Why ask it
A flat, a parent's operation, travel, a child's schooling and a business all pull on the same salary. You don't need matching answers, only to learn whether their plan leaves room for yours.
Faith and habits
How is religion practised in your home, and how much of that do you want to keep?
Why ask it
Two people who describe their faith identically can live it very differently. Ask about food, prayer, festivals, and what happens when someone in the family stops observing.
What do you eat and not eat, and would it bother you if I ate differently?
Why ask it
Diet is a daily matter in a shared kitchen: separate vessels, meat in the house, fasting days, where you eat out. Check whether the rule is theirs or their household's, since you may be cooking in that household.
Do you drink or smoke, and how would you feel about a spouse who does?
Why ask it
People shade this one in front of family, so save it for when you are alone. 'Occasionally' stretches a long way, so ask about a normal month and give your own answer straight.
Can you cook, and which household jobs do you do yourself today?
Why ask it
Today is the important word. Intentions for after the wedding are easy to state, so listen for what they already do unasked: their own laundry, a meal they can make from start to finish, the dishes afterwards.
How would you feel about me keeping my own friends, outings and trips after marriage?
Why ask it
The approving answer comes easily. Test it with a real case: a weekend away with college friends, a late office dinner, a friend of the opposite sex who rings often.
Do you need time to yourself each day, and how do you get it at home?
Why ask it
In a joint household privacy is scarce, and a person who needs an hour of quiet can look sulky to everyone else. Knowing in advance turns a closed door from an insult into a habit.
What do you like to do on a holiday, and how often would you want to travel?
Why ask it
A lighter one for when the conversation has turned heavy. It also shows whether holidays have always meant visiting relatives, and whether they would like that to change.
How do you use social media, and what about us would you want kept private?
Why ask it
One person posts the engagement within the hour and the other has no photo online at all. Settle early what goes on the internet, and what gets forwarded to the family group chat.
Which language would we speak at home, and with children if we have them?
Why ask it
Matches across regions or countries often assume one side will simply adapt. Being the only one at the dinner table who cannot follow the jokes is lonely, so ask who would learn what.
The future
If we both said yes, how soon would you want the wedding?
Why ask it
Some families fix a date within weeks of an agreement and others leave a year. Ask what would happen in between: whether you could keep meeting, and whether a long engagement would be read as doubt by either side.
What do you want the first year of marriage to look like, day to day?
Why ask it
The wedding day gets months of planning and the year after it rarely gets an hour. Steer the answer toward mornings, meals and weekends, and away from ceremonies.
Do you want children, and if so, when?
Why ask it
Hear both halves: whether, and how soon. Where relatives expect news within a year or two, a vague answer may be theirs and not your match's, so ask again a few weeks later and see whether it holds.
If we had children, what would you do differently from how you were raised?
Why ask it
Discipline, schooling, religion and how much the grandparents decide all surface here. It also tells you, gently, what they found hard about their own childhood.
If children didn't come easily, what would you want us to do?
Why ask it
A heavy one that belongs in a later conversation, never a first meeting. In families that count the months after a wedding, you want to know whether your partner would stand beside you or beside the people asking.
How would we look after our parents as they get older?
Why ask it
In some families the husband's parents are cared for at home and the wife's are assumed to be her brother's responsibility. Go through both sets by name, including money, distance and who would move.
What does a good marriage look like to you ten years in?
Why ask it
Some people picture two close friends, others a well-run household with clear roles. Neither is wrong, but a couple holding different pictures will each feel short-changed by the same ordinary week.
Before deciding
Have you been in a serious relationship before, and is there anything from it I should know?
Why ask it
You are not owed a full history and neither are they. What counts is whether it is finished, whether the families know, and whether they can speak of it without bitterness. Be ready to answer the same question.
Is there anything in your health or family medical history a spouse should know?
Why ask it
Leave it until you are both serious, then ask in private and go first with your own answer. A long-term condition, regular medication or a period of poor mental health is sometimes left off a biodata on purpose, and being told about it now is a sign of trust.
When you disagree with someone you love, do you raise it or wait?
Why ask it
Ask for a recent example with a parent or a close friend, not a description of their temperament. 'I never fight' deserves a follow-up: ask where the disagreement went instead.
What do you do when you're angry, and how long does it take you to come round?
Why ask it
Shouting, silence and leaving the room are all survivable once you know which to expect. Pay attention to whether they describe their own behaviour or only what other people do to provoke it.
When you are going through a bad patch, what do you need from the person closest to you?
Why ask it
A lost job, an illness or a death in the family will test this sooner or later. The answer tells you whether they expect closeness, space, practical help, or their family stepping in to manage it.
What are your non-negotiables, and what could you live with even if you didn't like it?
Why ask it
Anyone can name a deal-breaker. The list of things they could put up with (a city they dislike, a spouse who doesn't pray, in-laws nearby) tells you how much room the marriage would have.
If either of us has doubts after today, how should we tell the other?
Why ask it
Refusals in arranged matches often travel through parents and arrive bruised. Agreeing to tell each other directly, and kindly, protects you both whichever way it goes.
What are you worried about, and what do you want to ask me?
Why ask it
Ending with their questions rebalances a conversation that can feel like an examination. If they have none at all, it may be nerves or it may be that someone told them what to say, so offer to take questions by message later.
Talking honestly in an arranged match
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Spread these across several conversations
- Working through the whole list in one sitting turns a meeting into an interrogation. Six or seven questions per conversation, over a few weeks, gives each of you time to think about what you heard.
- Ask the important ones twice, some weeks apart. An answer given with relatives pressing can change once a person has thought about it alone.
- Answer everything you ask. A one-sided enquiry signals that you are assessing them, not deciding together.
- Where your families allow it, talk without a chaperone at least once. Most people speak more freely when a parent is not in the next room.
Which questions belong to which meeting
- The first meeting is often short, with both families nearby. Stay in the First meeting group and add one or two light ones from Faith and habits, such as food or holidays.
- Family and home and Work and money suit the second and third conversations, once you both know you want to keep talking. They go better on a walk or a long call than across a drawing room.
- Keep the Before deciding group, along with loans and the question about children not coming easily, for when you are both serious, and ask them in private.
- Before either of you says yes, go back through The future together. If a subject has been skipped at every meeting so far, that is the one to raise.
What to ask a girl, and what to ask a guy
- Any question here can be put by either of you. What differs is which answers reached you second hand, from a parent, an aunt or a matchmaker, and those are the ones to hear from the person.
- Questions to ask a girl in an arranged marriage that her family often answers on her behalf: whether marrying now is her own wish, whether she wants to keep her job, how far she would move, and how often she would want to see her parents afterwards.
- What to ask a guy before an Indian arranged marriage, where the bride often moves into his family's home: whether living with his parents is fixed or open, which household jobs he does today, what he would do if his mother and you disagreed, and whether his view of your career is his own.
- Most of these sit under Family and home and Work and money, so they suit a second or third conversation better than a first meeting with both families in the room.
Where the real information sits
- In examples more than principles. Anyone can say family matters; the test is what they did the last time their family's wish and their own preference collided.
- In whatever they steer the conversation away from twice.
- In how they describe their parents' marriage, since that is the model each of you begins with.
- In how they treat people who cannot do anything for them: waiters, drivers, younger siblings.
Practical matters to settle before any commitment
- Where you would live in the first year, and with whom.
- Whether either of you expects the other to stop working, now or after children.
- Existing financial obligations on both sides, including support sent to parents.
- Which customs each of you intends to keep, and which are open to negotiation.
- What each family expects around wedding costs and gifts, and who has agreed to what.
- Any plan to study further or move abroad, and what it would mean for the other person's work.
- Timelines: how long until engagement, wedding, children.
Pressure and pace
- Family enthusiasm is not your consent. If you need more time, say so before the process builds momentum, because slowing it down later is much harder.
- Bring in one person you trust who has no stake in the outcome, and tell them what you actually heard, not the tidy version you give your parents.
- If you catch yourself avoiding a question because the answer might end things, that is the question to ask.
- An arranged marriage needs a free yes from both people. If you are not being allowed to say no, that is a different situation from the one this page is written for: tell someone you trust outside the family, and look up what help exists where you live.