Questions to Ask Intended Parents
For gestational carriers heading into a surrogacy match meeting. These 20 questions cover compensation, insurance, embryo transfer, medical decision making, contact during pregnancy and the relationship after birth.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What brought you to surrogacy, and how long have you been trying to build your family?
Why ask it
Opens on their story instead of logistics, and tells you whether they arrived here after years of loss, a hysterectomy or cancer treatment, or as same sex or single parents. Each path shapes how much grief and urgency they bring into the match.
Is this your first match, and have you worked with a carrier before?
Why ask it
Repeat intended parents usually know what the process demands and where they were hard to work with the first time. If a previous match ended early, ask what happened and listen for whether they describe their former carrier with respect or resentment.
Who is already on your team: agency, IVF clinic, attorney, escrow company?
Why ask it
Missing pieces here predict delays and out of pocket surprises that land on you. An independent journey with no agency and no escrow company means you carry far more financial risk, and you should know that before you sign anything.
How many embryos do you have, and were they genetically tested?
Why ask it
The size and quality of their embryo bank decides whether you are likely facing one transfer or four, which means months more medication, travel and monitoring. Untested embryos raise the odds of a failed transfer or an early loss you will physically absorb.
How much contact do you want during the pregnancy, and how would you like it to happen?
Why ask it
Contact is where a match quietly goes wrong, because each side assumes its own pace is the normal one. Get concrete about a text after every appointment versus a monthly update, and say plainly what pace actually fits your job and household.
Which appointments do you want to attend, and would you travel for the transfer and the birth?
Why ask it
This tells you how often they will be in exam rooms with you and whether they plan to fly in and stay nearby at the end. If they live overseas or cannot travel easily, you need a plan now for who is present at delivery.
What are your expectations about my daily life while I am pregnant: travel, diet, caffeine, exercise, intimacy?
Why ask it
Some intended parents expect organic food, no air travel and abstinence terms that reach deep into your private life. Far better to hear it across a table than to find it drafted into a contract clause.
How do you feel about my partner and my children being part of this?
Why ask it
Your household lives this journey too, and your kids will have questions about the baby you are carrying. The answer shows whether they see you as a whole person with a family or as a service they purchased.
How do you plan to talk about the surrogacy with your own family, friends and workplace?
Why ask it
Intended parents who keep the pregnancy secret may ask you to be vague or to avoid photos and social media, which is a real constraint over ten months. It also hints at how much support they will have when the baby comes home.
What do you picture for the delivery room, and who do you want present?
Why ask it
Birth is where unspoken assumptions collide, so surface now who cuts the cord, who holds the baby first, and whether they expect to be in the room during a cesarean. You get to state what you need for your own privacy and recovery.
Do you want breast milk after the birth, and if so for how long and on what terms?
Why ask it
Pumping is weeks of unglamorous work after you go home and is normally compensated separately, along with shipping and supplies. Settling the duration now prevents an awkward ask in week three when you are exhausted.
Who is my point of contact when something comes up between appointments?
Why ask it
You need to know whether a spotting scare at midnight goes to them, to an agency case manager or to the clinic nurse line. A vague answer here usually means slow answers later, when it matters.
How many embryos do you want transferred at a time?
Why ask it
Twins bring genuine risk of preterm birth, preeclampsia, cesarean and NICU time, and all of it happens in your body. If they want a double transfer and your limit or your clinic's protocol says single, resolve that before you match rather than at the transfer.
What is your position on selective reduction and on terminating a pregnancy?
Why ask it
This is the disagreement that ends a match, and it will not surface on its own, so ask it directly instead of hoping the contract quietly covers it. You are looking for real alignment on principle, not a clause you signed while disagreeing with it.
If a prenatal test came back with a serious diagnosis, how would you want to make that decision, and what would my role be?
Why ask it
This moves the termination question from abstract policy to how they behave under bad news. Notice whether they describe a shared conversation with you and the specialists, or a decision they would simply hand down.
Will my full base compensation be funded in escrow before the transfer?
Why ask it
Money already sitting with a third party escrow agent is your main protection if their finances change mid pregnancy. Hesitation, or a promise to top it up in installments later, deserves a hard second look.
How are lost wages, childcare, travel and bed rest covered if this pregnancy gets complicated?
Why ask it
Unpaid time away from work is the cost carriers tend to leave out of their own arithmetic, and bed rest or an early admission puts it on your household rather than theirs. Ask for specific figures and caps, including who pays if your doctor orders activity restriction at 28 weeks.
Which health insurance policy will bill for this pregnancy, and who pays premiums, deductibles and copays?
Why ask it
Many plans exclude surrogacy outright, so somebody has to buy a compliant policy or a surrogacy specific rider before transfer. Confirm your out of pocket maximum is covered outright rather than reimbursed whenever they get around to it.
What life insurance and disability coverage will you carry on me, and who is the beneficiary?
Why ask it
A term life policy with a beneficiary you name is standard practice, and disability coverage matters if recovery keeps you off work for months. Their answer also reveals how seriously they weigh the physical risk you are taking on.
What happens to this agreement if you separate, if one of you dies, or if a catastrophic outcome hits me?
Why ask it
The contract should name who takes legal and physical custody at birth under every one of those scenarios, and should spell out extra compensation and follow up care for outcomes like an emergency hysterectomy. Ask whether they already have wills and a named guardian in place before transfer.
Making the match meeting count
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the match call
Write your own limits down first
Decide on paper, before you hear anyone's story, where you stand on single versus double embryo transfer, termination, how many transfer attempts you will do, how far you will travel, and the minimum package you will accept. Sympathy for a lovely couple is the most common reason carriers quietly abandon their own limits.
Ask your agency what is already screened
Find out what the agency has verified: proof of funds, psychological evaluation, criminal background check, legal residency, and clinic clearance. Then spend the call itself on what no file can tell you, like temperament, responsiveness and how they handle disagreement.
Bring the list and take notes
Match calls usually run 45 to 60 minutes and move quickly, so keep your questions in front of you and write the answers down as they are given. If you are considering more than one set of intended parents, those notes are how you compare them honestly a week later.
Get it in writing, not just in the call
Warmth on the call is not a contract term
Anything you agreed to about photos, delivery room presence, pumping, a support person at appointments or contact after birth binds nobody unless it appears in the gestational carrier agreement. Read the draft against your notes and flag every promise that went missing.
Use your own attorney
You are entitled to independent legal counsel of your own choosing, paid for by the intended parents, and that attorney answers only to you. Never sign a contract that has been reviewed solely by the lawyer who drafted it for them.
Pin down dates and numbers
Nail the escrow funding date, the payment schedule, per procedure fees for transfer, amniocentesis and cesarean, the monthly allowance, and the exact insurance policy that will bill for prenatal care. Ambiguity in a contract tends to resolve against whoever has less money.
Signals worth paying attention to
- They speak about a former carrier with contempt, or cannot explain why that match ended.
- Direct money questions get deflected into how much the journey has already cost them.
- They want to skip escrow, skip the agency, or start you on medications before the contract is signed.
- They keep pushing for a double embryo transfer after you have said your limit is one.
- Their answer on termination shifts depending on how you phrase the question.
- They want control over your diet, travel and household but will not commit to answering your calls.
- Your partner and children come across to them as an inconvenience rather than part of the picture.
- The good sign: they are specific, quick to admit what they do not know yet, and completely comfortable when you disagree with them.