Questions to Ask Kids About Parents
Questions that let a child describe what their parents and their household are actually like, including the parts adults would rather not hear, with guidance on receiving the answers well.
20 questions, each with the reason to ask it · includes a conversation guide
The questions
Open any question to see why it works.
- 1
What are we like on a normal weekday morning?
Concrete and easy to answer, and it produces an unflattering documentary within about twenty seconds. Morning routines are where a household's real temperature shows, and children describe them accurately because they are in the middle of them.
- 2
Who do you tell first when something good happens?
The answer is rarely the parent who assumes it is them. Whoever gets the good news is usually whoever reacts with the least commentary, which is worth knowing if you are the other one.
- 3
Who do you come to when you have broken something?
The more revealing companion to the previous question. Children route bad news to the adult they expect to stay calm, so the answer tells you which of you is currently the safe one and which is not.
- 4
What do we say too often?
Every household has a handful of repeated lines and the children can quote them exactly. Hearing them back is uncomfortable in a useful way, because most of them have stopped working precisely because of the repetition.
- 5
Which rule in this house is fair, and which one is not?
Asking for both prevents it from becoming a complaint session and forces an actual judgment. Children often defend a rule the adults thought was unpopular, and object to one nobody had reconsidered in years.
- 6
How can you tell when we are stressed?
Children pick up the signals early: a tone, a slammed cupboard, going quiet. Hearing the specific tells is more useful than any resolution to hide it better, because the tells are what they are actually responding to.
- 7
What do you think we argue about?
Ask it plainly, because children already know there are arguments and are usually relieved to be allowed to say so. If the answer is well off the mark, that is worth correcting gently rather than confirming their guess.
- 8
When did you last think a punishment was unfair?
Specific and answerable, unlike asking whether they think you are fair in general. Expect a detailed account with a date. Listen for whether the objection is to the consequence or to not having been listened to first.
- 9
What do you wish we did more of at weekends?
Answers are usually cheaper and simpler than parents expect: staying home, one particular walk, a meal at the table. It is worth asking because it is one of the few answers you can act on immediately.
- 10
What do you think we are wrong about?
A real invitation, and older children will take it if they believe there will be no cost. Expect something about screens, bedtimes, or a friend you disapprove of. You do not have to concede, but you do have to hear it out.
- 11
What do you think our job is, as your parents?
Children's answers cluster around safety, food, and rules, and rarely include anything about their happiness or their future self. The gap between their description and yours is the interesting part.
- 12
What do you think we were like before you were born?
Children assemble this from photographs and half-heard stories, so the answer shows what has actually reached them. It usually ends with them asking you something, which is the best outcome available.
- 13
What do you think we are proudest of about you?
Watch for whether they name an achievement or a quality. Children who only name results, grades, goals, medals, are telling you what has been praised, and that is a piece of information about you rather than about them.
- 14
What do you think we worry about with you?
Often uncomfortably precise. If the child names a worry you thought you had kept private, that is worth knowing. If they name one you do not actually hold, say so clearly.
- 15
What is the best thing about this family?
Placed here deliberately, after the harder questions, because by this point the answer will be considered rather than dutiful. What they choose is frequently something the adults regard as trivial.
- 16
What do you tell your friends about us?
Children edit their family for an audience, and what they include or leave out shows what they are proud of and what they find embarrassing. Ask lightly and take whatever comes without protest.
- 17
Is there something you have wanted to tell us and have not?
Ask when there is time and no audience, and be prepared for silence or for something significant. If the answer is nothing, accept it; asking twice in one conversation turns it into pressure.
- 18
If you could change one thing about how this family works, what would it be?
The limit of one forces a priority instead of a list. Whatever they name is the thing to take seriously, and doing something about it is what makes them answer honestly next time.
- 19
What do you need from us that you do not think we have noticed?
Different from what they want, and children can usually distinguish the two. Answers tend to be about attention and time rather than things, and they are often specific enough to act on this week.
- 20
When you have your own family, what would you keep from ours and what would you do differently?
For older children and teenagers, this is the most searching question in the set, and it produces a clearer verdict on your parenting than any direct question could. Ask it once and do not argue with the answer.
Hearing the Answers Without Defending Yourself
Practical guidance for the conversation itself.
The part that actually matters
The part that actually matters
- Decide in advance that you will not explain yourself. The first time a child's honest answer is met with a justification, they learn what these questions cost.
- Respond with a question rather than a position: when did that happen, what would have been better. It buys you time and gets you the detail.
- Ask one or two of these at a time, not the list. This is a series of short conversations over months, not a family meeting.
- Act on one answer within the week and tell them that is why you did it. That single act is what makes the next round of answers honest.
When to ask
When to ask
Not in the middle of a disagreement
Asking what we are wrong about during an argument reads as a trap. Wait for a neutral hour when nobody is in trouble.
Sideways rather than face to face
Car rides, doing the dishes, and walking the dog work far better than a sit-down. Being able to look out of a window makes hard answers easier to give.
One parent at a time
Two adults asking together can feel like a panel, particularly for the questions about fairness. It also lets a child speak about one parent without the other's face in view.
What to expect at different ages
What to expect at different ages
- Under seven: concrete and present tense. Stick to mornings, rules, who they tell things to, and what they would do at the weekend.
- Eight to eleven: the strongest sense of fairness they will ever have. The questions about rules and punishments produce long, well-argued answers here.
- Twelve and up: capable of real verdicts, and quick to shut down if the answer is used against them later. Ask fewer questions and leave more silence.
- Teenagers often answer in writing, or by message, when they will not answer out loud. That still counts.
Common pitfalls
Common pitfalls
Punishing the honest answer
Bringing an answer back up as evidence in a later argument ends this permanently. Treat what they say in these conversations as off limits for anything except acting on it.
Asking a child to judge between two parents
Questions about which parent is better, kinder, or right put a child in an impossible position, and the damage outlasts the conversation. Keep the questions about the household or about one person at a time.
Using the questions to gather information
In a separation, asking about the other parent's house through the child makes them a messenger. If you need to know something, ask the adult.
Fishing for reassurance
If the real question is whether you are a good parent, children can tell, and they will give you the kind answer rather than the true one.