Questions to Ask Kids About Their Mom
Questions for an adult asking a child about their mother, written for teachers, counselors, grandparents, stepparents, and family friends who want to understand the child's home rather than test it.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Who is at home when you get there?
Why ask it
A neutral opener that maps the household without asking a child to categorize it. Answers frequently include people an adult would not have listed: a grandmother, an older sibling doing the collecting, a neighbor who has a key.
What is the first thing your mom does when you come in?
Why ask it
Small, factual, and answerable by any age. Whether the answer is a question about their day, a meal, or nothing in particular tells you what the reunion looks like from the child's height.
What do you and your mom talk about?
Why ask it
Expect logistics rather than feelings, which is normal. What matters is whether they can name anything at all, and whether the topics are theirs or hers.
What does your mom do when you cannot sleep?
Why ask it
Night-time is where a child's sense of being held either exists or does not, and they describe it in specific detail. Also worth noting if the answer is that nobody knows they are awake.
What does your mom do when you are crying?
Why ask it
Children distinguish clearly between being comforted, being distracted, being fixed, and being told to stop. Whichever they describe, ask what they wish happened instead, because the gap is the useful part.
How do you know when your mom is proud of you?
Why ask it
Look for whether they can name a signal at all: a phrase, a look, something put on the fridge. A child who cannot answer is not necessarily unloved, but they are telling you the signal is not reaching them.
What does your mom notice about you that other people do not?
Why ask it
Being known is different from being cared for, and this question asks about the first. Answers are often oddly specific, such as knowing when they are lying or when they have not eaten, and children say them with pride.
What do you help your mom with?
Why ask it
Ordinary chores are a good sign of a child with a place in the household. Listen, though, for tasks well beyond their age, since that shifts the picture from helpful to carrying too much.
When did you and your mom last laugh about something?
Why ask it
Requires a recent specific event, so it cannot be answered with a generality. If nothing comes to mind at all, that is worth noting gently rather than probing.
What do you and your mom do together that costs nothing?
Why ask it
Removes money from the question, which matters if the family has little. What they name, a walk, a show they watch, a game in the kitchen, is usually the relationship's actual foundation.
What can your mom do that you would like to be able to do?
Why ask it
Aspiration rather than praise, so it avoids the dutiful answer. Children choose practical skills, and the choice tells you what they are currently trying to grow into.
What does your mom find hard?
Why ask it
Children usually know, and the answer, work, money, driving, a relative, an illness, shows how much of the adult world is visible to them. Do not correct or reassure; just take note of what they carry.
What do you do when your mom is busy or tired?
Why ask it
Reveals both the household rhythm and the child's own strategies. Waiting quietly, going to their room, or looking after a younger sibling are three quite different answers.
Is there something you do to help that nobody asked you to do?
Why ask it
Worth asking carefully. Small unprompted kindnesses are lovely; a child who has quietly taken on cooking, translating, managing medication, or comforting an adult is doing more than their share, and that is important to know.
What do you and your mom disagree about?
Why ask it
Disagreement is normal and its absence in a child's account is more notable than its presence. Expect bedtimes, screens, and tidying. Listen for how disagreements end rather than what they are about.
What do you wish your mom knew about your day?
Why ask it
Softer than asking what they hide, and it often produces the thing they have been meaning to say: a friendship that has gone wrong, something they were proud of, something that frightened them.
Who else does your mom count on?
Why ask it
Tells you how supported the household is, which children can describe surprisingly accurately. An answer of nobody is worth remembering, both for the mother and for the child.
What do you think your mom would say is the best thing about you?
Why ask it
Asking them to speak in her voice gets past modesty and produces the version of themselves they believe she sees. Any distance between that and what they think of themselves is worth noticing.
Is there something you want to tell your mom that is hard to say out loud?
Why ask it
Ask only where there is privacy and time, and be prepared for no answer. If something does come, your task is to receive it calmly and help them find a way to say it, not to carry it for them or to promise secrecy.
If you were making a book about your mom, what would go on the first page?
Why ask it
A closing question that lets the child choose the summary rather than being handed one. Take down the answer in their words; it is usually a better portrait than any adult would write.
Asking Well, and Handling What You Hear
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to ask
- Say why you are asking, in one sentence, in words they understand. Children answer a curious adult very differently from one they suspect is checking up on them.
- Use their word for her, whether that is mum, mom, or her first name, and use it for whoever they identify as filling that role.
- Ask alongside an activity. Drawing, walking, or a shared task lowers the stakes and lets the child stop looking at you when a question gets harder.
- Take four or five questions, not the whole list, and let the child's answers decide which ones follow.
When the child's situation is not straightforward
If their mother is not living with them
Ask about specific occasions rather than daily life: what you do when you see her, what she calls you on the phone. Questions that assume she is in the house force the child to explain something painful before they are ready.
If their mother has died
Shift to the past tense and follow the child's lead entirely. Bereaved children often want to talk and find that adults change the subject, so being willing to stay in the conversation matters more than what you ask.
If their mother is in care, hospital, or prison
Do not ask why, and do not react to the answer. Keep to what the child chooses to volunteer, and take the lead from whoever is caring for them about what the child has been told.
If there is a stepmother, foster carer, or two mothers
Ask who is in the family and what the child calls each person before asking anything else. Getting the names right is the whole basis of the conversation.
If something concerns you
- Do not begin questioning. Follow-up questions from a well-meaning adult can distress the child and can complicate a proper inquiry later.
- Do not promise to keep it to yourself. Say you are glad they told you and that you may need to speak to someone whose job it is to help.
- Write down what they said in their own words, with the date, the setting, and what prompted it, as soon as you can.
- If you work with children, follow your organization's safeguarding procedure. If you do not, contact your local child protection service or a children's helpline for advice about what you heard.
- Signs worth reporting rather than solving yourself include a child taking on adult care, fear of going home, or an account of being left without an adult for long periods.
Common pitfalls
Asking as a way of gathering evidence
In a family dispute or a separation, using a child to find out about a parent makes them a witness against someone they love. If you need to know something, ask the adult.
Coaching a kinder answer
If a child cannot say anything positive, moving to a lighter question is the right response. Prompting one teaches them that honest answers are unwelcome.
Reacting visibly
A sharp intake of breath tells a child they have said something wrong, and they will edit everything afterwards. Keep your face level, however striking the answer.
Repeating it back to the mother as a quote
Unless the child asked you to pass it on, treat what they said as theirs. Sharing it, even affectionately, can cost the child the willingness to talk to you again.