Questions to Ask Old People
Questions for an ordinary visit with an elderly relative, neighbour or resident you do not know well, built to get past the weather and the grandchildren without turning the afternoon into an interview.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How long have you lived around here, and what was it like when you first came?
Why ask it
This is the easiest possible opening because everyone can answer it, and it usually produces the first real story without being asked for one. Streets, shops and neighbours that no longer exist are far easier to talk about than feelings.
What does a normal day look like for you now?
Why ask it
Asking about the present signals that you see a person rather than an archive, which changes the tone of everything that follows. It also quietly tells you what they can still do, who visits and where the empty hours are.
Who was in the house when you were growing up?
Why ask it
Households were often larger and stranger than the family you know about: lodgers, cousins, a grandmother in the back room. This is where you learn names you have never heard, which is worth writing down.
What did your parents do for work?
Why ask it
Occupations that have largely disappeared come with detail about hours, danger and pay that nobody volunteers otherwise. Ask what time the house woke up, and you will usually get the whole shape of their childhood.
What did the kitchen smell like when you were a child?
Why ask it
Sensory questions bypass the rehearsed answers and reach memories people did not know they still had. Expect a long pause first, then something much more specific than any question about their childhood in general would produce.
What was your first paid job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
The number is usually so small that it opens straight into what things cost, which is one of the few subjects where their knowledge is genuinely unmatched. It is also a safe way in for someone who dislikes talking about themselves.
What did you do on a Saturday night when you were seventeen?
Why ask it
Naming the age and the night gets you a scene rather than a summary. Dance halls, church socials, cinema queues and getting home before a curfew tend to arrive with the friends' names attached.
What music do you still know all the words to?
Why ask it
If there is a way to play it, do, because singing along changes a visit entirely. This question also works on days when longer answers are hard to assemble.
What is the furthest you have ever been from home, and how did you get there?
Why ask it
The travel itself, a troopship, a long coach journey, a first flight, is usually the story rather than the destination. For someone who never went far, the answer about why is just as interesting, so ask it either way.
What was the first thing you bought that you were proud of?
Why ask it
A bicycle, a coat, a car, a washing machine: the object is a way into what money meant then and how long saving took. It gets at accomplishment without asking anyone to summarise their life.
How did you meet the person you spent the most years with?
Why ask it
Phrased this way it works whether the marriage lasted, ended or was never one, and whether they are still alive. Let them decide how much to say, and do not push into a bereavement they steer around.
What did you want to be, before life had other plans?
Why ask it
Almost everyone has an abandoned intention, and most have never been asked about it. Do not rush to say it is a shame; often the story of why not is the part they want to tell.
What did everyone have then that nobody has now?
Why ask it
This invites a specific object or habit rather than a complaint about modern life, and the answers are often surprising: a coal man, a party line, an unlocked back door. Follow up by asking what they were glad to see the end of.
What did you never tell your parents?
Why ask it
Save this until you are getting real answers, because it needs a certain amount of trust. It usually produces something they find funny rather than shameful, which is why it works better than asking about regrets.
What is the best decision you made without thinking hard about it?
Why ask it
People give more honest answers about luck than about wisdom, and a good deal of any long life turns out to be accident. Compare it with asking for advice, which tends to produce a slogan.
Have you changed your mind about anything important?
Why ask it
Most of us assume older people hold fixed views, and this question quietly tests that assumption. Whatever they name, religion, politics, how they raised their children, listen without arguing your own position back at them.
What do people get wrong about being your age?
Why ask it
You will hear about being talked over, being spoken to loudly and slowly, and being assumed to be helpless or unbothered by things. It is uncomfortable to hear and the most useful answer you will get all afternoon.
Which of your friends are still around, and who do you miss?
Why ask it
Outliving people is one of the least discussed parts of old age, and the invitation to say a name aloud is often welcome. Sit with the silence afterwards rather than moving quickly to a lighter subject.
Is there something you still want to do?
Why ask it
Ask it as a live question, not as a wistful one, because the answer is sometimes small and entirely achievable: a particular beach, a phone call, a shop they can no longer get to. That makes it the one question in this list you might be able to act on.
Is there anyone nobody ever asks you about?
Why ask it
A sibling who died young, a first husband, a child who moved abroad, a friend from work: people carry these unmentioned for decades because everyone who knew them is gone. Asking gives permission, and the answer is usually the most important thing said that day.
Visiting Well
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting Up the Visit
Sit Beside, Not Across
A chair alongside rather than opposite makes a conversation rather than an interview, and it puts you on the side of the better ear. Get to the same eye level and stay there.
Kill the Background Noise
A television or radio left on is the single biggest obstacle to being heard, more than volume or diction. Ask before you turn it off, then leave it off.
Go Earlier in the Day
Most people are clearer and less tired in the morning or just after lunch. A short good visit beats a long one that ends with everyone worn out.
Bring Something to Look At
Photographs, an old map of the area, a recipe or a piece of music give the conversation somewhere to go when questions run dry. Handing over an object also takes the pressure off having to perform.
While They Are Talking
- Let a pause run for longer than feels comfortable; assembling a memory takes time
- Ask what happened next rather than moving to a new question
- Ask for names, and write them down afterwards while you still remember the spelling
- Do not correct dates or details unless it matters, since being fact-checked shuts people down fast
- Repeat back what you heard if you missed it rather than nodding through it
- Accept the same story told again; the second telling often contains something the first did not
- If they steer away from a subject, leave it, and let them come back to it in their own time
If Memory or Health Makes Talking Harder
- Ask about the distant past rather than the recent, which is usually the easier direction
- Ask one thing at a time and keep the sentence short, without slowing your voice to a crawl
- Avoid quizzing on names, dates or whether they remember you; say who you are plainly instead
- If they tell you something that is not accurate, follow the feeling rather than arguing about the fact
- Keep visits short and repeat them; familiarity does more than any single long afternoon
- Sitting in silence together, listening to music or looking at photographs is still a visit
- Ask staff or family what time of day tends to go best before you arrange to come