Questions to Ask Older Adults
Questions that treat an older adult as someone with a present and not only a past: what their weeks are like now, what they still do for themselves, what has got harder, and how they want to be helped when they do need it.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What have you been up to this week?
Why ask it
A better opening than asking how they are, which trains people to say fine. It also gives you the raw material for every follow-up question, since whatever they mention is what they actually care about.
What do you do with the first hour of your day?
Why ask it
Routines are easy to describe and tell you a great deal: whether they sleep well, whether anyone calls, whether the day has any shape. Ask about the last hour too if you want the other half of the picture.
What are you reading or watching at the moment?
Why ask it
This gets you a real conversation between equals instead of an interview about the past, and it often overturns whatever you assumed about their taste. Follow it up next visit and you have a shared thread.
Who do you talk to most these days?
Why ask it
The answer tells you where the support actually comes from, which is often a neighbour or a phone friend rather than the family who assume they are it. If the honest answer is nobody, that is worth knowing and acting on.
What are you looking forward to?
Why ask it
Older people are asked to reminisce constantly and to anticipate almost never. If nothing comes to mind at all, that absence says more about how their weeks are going than any question about mood.
What are you good at that people around you do not realise?
Why ask it
Almost everyone has a skill that stopped being visible when they stopped doing it professionally or for a household. Naming it aloud sometimes leads straight to them doing it again.
Where did you work the longest, and what were you known for there?
Why ask it
Asking what they were known for beats asking what they did, because it gets at reputation and competence rather than a job title. Expect something specific: the one who could fix the machine, the one who trained everybody.
Who in your family are you most like?
Why ask it
This opens up relatives you may never have heard about, and it lets them tell you about themselves indirectly, which is easier for most people. It works whether or not they have children.
What is one piece of technology you are glad about, and one you refuse to use?
Why ask it
The framing assumes competence and choice rather than confusion, which is more accurate than most people expect. The refusal is usually a considered decision, and worth listening to before you offer to set anything up.
What has changed around here recently that you do not like?
Why ask it
A closed post office, a bus route cut, a shop that moved: these are concrete losses that reduce independence and rarely get mentioned as such. It also gives you something you might genuinely be able to help with.
What do you still do yourself that people keep offering to take over?
Why ask it
Well-meant help removes capability faster than most families realise, and this question surfaces it without an argument. Whatever they name, the useful response is to stop offering rather than to insist.
What has got harder in the last year?
Why ask it
Ask it plainly and without alarm, and be prepared for a practical answer about stairs, jars, hearing or driving at night rather than anything dramatic. Do not follow it with a proposal; just let them describe it.
What would make your week easier if somebody simply did it?
Why ask it
This asks for a task rather than permission, which is much easier to accept than a general offer of help. Answers tend to be small and specific, which is exactly what makes them possible.
Which decisions do you want to keep making yourself, whatever happens?
Why ask it
Asking in advance, calmly, is far better than discovering it during a crisis, and it can lead naturally into whether anything is written down. Listen for money, housing, driving and medical care, and take the answer seriously.
When you do need help, how do you prefer it to be offered?
Why ask it
Some people want to be asked, some want it done quietly without discussion, and some want to be the one to bring it up. Getting this wrong is why so much offered help gets refused.
What do you wish people asked you instead of how you are feeling?
Why ask it
Health enquiries dominate conversation with anyone over eighty, and most would rather talk about almost anything else. The answer effectively hands you a better question list than this one.
What do you miss doing?
Why ask it
Some of what comes up is genuinely recoverable with a lift, a companion or a bit of equipment, which is why it is worth asking rather than assuming. Do not respond by explaining why it is no longer possible.
What is the best thing about this stage of your life?
Why ask it
It is a real question, not a consolation, and the answers are often about no longer having to prove anything or care what people think. If they laugh at the question, ask again once they have stopped.
Is there something you want your family to know that you have not got round to saying?
Why ask it
This can be practical, where the documents are, or personal, something never said to a particular person. Ask what they want done with the answer rather than deciding on their behalf.
What should I ask you about next time?
Why ask it
It hands them control of the conversation and it commits you to coming back, which is the part that matters most. Whatever they name, open with it when you return.
Talking With Older Adults Without Talking Down
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How You Come Across
Speak Normally, Face Them
Raising your voice distorts sound and slowing down sounds condescending. Face the person, keep the light on your face and cut background noise, which does more for being understood than volume ever does.
Address Them, Not Their Companion
If a carer, adult child or spouse is present, the habit of talking about the person in front of them is both common and diminishing. Direct every question to them, and wait for their answer.
Assume Competence Until Told Otherwise
Ask what they still handle themselves before offering to do anything. Being helped with something you can do is the fastest way to be made to feel elderly.
Let Them Set the Pace
Filling pauses, finishing sentences and moving on quickly all shorten the conversation. Sitting comfortably in a slow exchange is most of the skill here.
Assumptions Worth Dropping
- That they are not interested in current news, politics or new music
- That they cannot manage a phone or a computer, or that they want yours set up for them
- That the past is more interesting to them than the present
- That they have made peace with everything and hold no strong opinions
- That family is their main source of company, which is often not the case
- That refusing help means denial rather than a decision
- That romance, sex, ambition and new friendships are behind them
Offering Help That Gets Accepted
- Offer a specific task at a specific time rather than asking whether they need anything
- Do the thing they named, not the thing you think is more important
- Ask before rearranging, tidying or throwing anything away, including what looks like clutter
- Bring the question of driving, stairs or money up early and calmly, not during a crisis
- Write down what they tell you about their preferences, and tell whoever else is involved
- Keep visits short and regular rather than long and occasional
- If you notice a real change in memory, mood, weight or steadiness, say so to them first before going around them