Questions to Ask Parents About Their Child
Questions to ask parents about their child when you are the teacher, coach, childminder or mentor who is about to spend a lot of time with that child. Most are worded as questions for teachers to ask parents in the first weeks of a school year, and nearly all of them carry over to a club, a team or a childminder's front room. Start Here holds the five to ask if all you get is a minute at the door. The rest suit a longer sitting such as a parent interview or a home visit, and are grouped by who the child is, home life and routines, the hard moments and the child's behaviour, learning and development, and how you and the parent will work together.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Start Here
What does your child like to be called?
Why ask it
An easy first question with a practical answer. It catches shortened names, a middle name in daily use, and the pronunciation your class list gets wrong, and getting it right in week one saves a child a term of correcting adults.
What would you say your child's biggest strengths are?
Why ask it
Begin with what the parent is proud of and everything after it goes more easily. Listen for whether they name a skill, like reading or football, or a quality, like patience, because the quality is the one you can lean on when the skill is not on show.
What are they into at the moment?
Why ask it
Get the specifics: which team, which game, which dinosaur. A named interest is something to open with on a bad morning, and it will be out of date within months, so ask again later in the year.
Are there any allergies, medications, or health needs I should know about?
Why ask it
Ask aloud even if a form exists, because forms go stale and parents remember details in conversation that they never wrote down. Then record it the way your setting requires: where the medication is kept, who gives it and who else has to know should not rest on your memory of a chat.
What worries you most about your child right now?
Why ask it
Many parents walk in carrying one worry, and the meeting goes better once it has been said aloud. Write it down in their words and tell them when you will come back to it, even if the honest answer today is that you need a few weeks of watching first.
Who They Are
How would you describe your child to someone who has never met them?
Why ask it
You get the family's portrait in three or four sentences, and the order is telling: whatever comes first is what they think defines the child. Hold it loosely, since a child described as shy at home can turn out to be the loudest one in your room.
What are they good at that adults don't usually notice?
Why ask it
Different from the strengths question, because it asks for the thing no report mentions. The answer is often practical, like calming a younger sibling or spotting who has been left out, and you can give the child a job that uses it.
What makes them laugh?
Why ask it
A child who is keeping their distance will often come closer for a joke before they will for a kind word. One detail is enough for a wary Monday: slapstick, silly voices, a running joke about the dog.
What is the last thing they were really proud of?
Why ask it
A gap where a tooth was, a swimming badge, a model that took the whole weekend. Mention it to the child in the first week and they learn that the adults around them talk to each other, and kindly.
What do they do in their free time: clubs, sports, anything they would hate to miss?
Why ask it
This is the timetable behind the interests. A child with swimming on Monday, football on Wednesday and a music lesson on Thursday is tired in a particular pattern, and one with nothing booked may jump at the club you run.
How do they usually handle a new group of children?
Why ask it
Some children need a week of watching from the edge, and others need a job to do on the first day. Ask what happened the last time they joined something, a club or a party, because a real example beats a general description.
How do they get on with other children, and what happens when there is a falling out?
Why ask it
Parents mostly hear the version reported at pickup, which is still worth having. Listen for the pattern in the fallings out: a child who walks away and says nothing needs watching as much as one who hits.
Who are their closest friends, and are any of them here?
Why ask it
One familiar face can carry a child through a first week. If the closest friend is somewhere else, or the friendship has just ended, you know to keep an eye on break times, and you know not to pair them with the name the parent hesitated over.
Who else is in their life that I might hear about?
Why ask it
Names help here: the grandparent, the older cousin, the dog, the parent who works away during the week. When a child says one of them at a difficult moment, you will know whether they are missing someone or just telling you about their weekend.
Home Life
What does a normal day look like for them at home?
Why ask it
Wake times, meals, and how the evening runs explain a great deal of what you will see in the afternoon. Long commutes, early shifts, and split households show up in this answer without anyone having to raise them.
How much sleep do they usually get, and how are mornings?
Why ask it
A child who is short of sleep can look defiant or distracted by eleven o'clock, so the answer explains behaviour you might otherwise read as attitude. Keep it factual, bedtime and wake time, because a parent who hears judgement in the question will round the numbers up.
Are there foods they will not eat, or that you would rather they did not have?
Why ask it
There are three different answers in here: a food that is unsafe, a food the family does not eat, and a food the child simply refuses. Parents often run them together, so ask which is which before you either take a risk or pick a needless fight at the table.
How much do they do for themselves, and where do you still step in?
Why ask it
Go through the ordinary things: coat and shoes, the toilet, cutting up food, packing a bag. Doing too much for a child annoys them and doing too little strands them, and a parent can usually tell you exactly where the line sits this month.
What jobs or responsibilities do they have at home?
Why ask it
You learn what the child can already be trusted with, whether that is feeding the cat or walking a younger brother to the gate. Some children carry more at home than their age suggests, which is worth knowing before you ask why the reading book came back unopened.
Do they have a favourite toy or blanket they need, and does it come with them?
Why ask it
Ask what happens when it is lost or left at home, because one day it will be. A stand-in agreed with the parent now beats one you invent at four in the afternoon with a child in tears.
Are there words you use at home that I should use too?
Why ask it
Most families have their own names for the toilet, for the favourite toy, for being cross or sad. A child who has to translate in the middle of a hard moment has two problems, so borrow the home word.
Is there anything about your family or your beliefs I should build into their day?
Why ask it
The answer might be prayer times, a way of eating, festivals you will need to plan around, or who counts as family when the group draws one. Ask every parent the same open question so that nobody is guessed at from a name or an address.
What languages are spoken at home, and which one do they reach for when they are upset?
Why ask it
The first half is often on a form and the second half almost never is. A child who goes silent in a hard moment may simply have run out of words in the language of the room, and two or three comfort phrases learned from the parent can bridge that.
What are your rules on screens, and is there anything you would rather they did not watch or play here?
Why ask it
Families differ widely on this, and children are quick to tell a new adult that everything is allowed. Knowing the house rule lets you back it up, or at least warn the parent where your setting does things differently.
Who usually drops off and picks up, and who else is allowed to collect them?
Why ask it
Put it to every family as routine so that nobody feels singled out. Usually the answer is a grandparent on Thursdays. Now and then there is a custody arrangement behind it, and your setting will have its own rules on what must be in writing, so find those out before you rely on a conversation.
Has anything changed at home recently that might show up here?
Why ask it
Phrasing it this way lets a parent mention a separation, a bereavement, a new baby, a move, or someone's illness without being asked about any of them specifically. Ask what they would like kept private and who else needs to know.
Hard Moments
What does it look like when they're tired or overwhelmed?
Why ask it
Early signs differ by child: chatter, silence, clowning, complaints of stomach ache. Knowing the specific tell lets you act before a small problem becomes a scene in front of other children.
What helps when they're upset, and what makes it worse?
Why ask it
The second half is the part that saves you. Some children escalate if asked to talk about it straight away or if an adult crouches too close, and only the parent knows which.
How do they let you know something's wrong: do they say it, or do you have to spot it?
Why ask it
Quiet children are easy to miss in a busy room, and this tells you whether you have one. If the parent has to work it out from behaviour, ask what they look for: a skipped meal, a slammed door, an unusually tidy bedroom.
How are they with stopping one thing and starting another?
Why ask it
Tidy-up time, coming in from outside and the end of a game are where a lot of group days go wrong. If warnings help, ask how much notice and in what form, since a countdown steadies some children and panics others.
Is there anything about starting here they're nervous about?
Why ask it
Named worries are usually specific and easy to solve: the changing rooms, reading aloud, not knowing anyone, getting home. Parents will often relay a worry the child would never tell you directly.
How do goodbyes go at drop-off: a quick wave, or a long one?
Why ask it
The parent knows whether lingering helps or makes it worse, and the routine is better agreed before the first morning than during it. For an older child the same question becomes whether they want to be walked in or left at the corner.
Is there anything they are really frightened of?
Why ask it
A fear that sounds minor across a desk, like hand dryers, balloons or being the last one collected, can end a trip or a swimming lesson. Ask how the family handles it and whether the child would mind you knowing.
How do they take being told no or being corrected?
Why ask it
Some children shrug, some argue the case, and some hear a single correction as proof that you dislike them. For that last group, borrow the wording that works at home, and say it quietly at the child's side instead of across the room.
How do they cope with losing a game or coming second?
Why ask it
Coaches and club leaders want this before the first match or the first board game, not after it. Find out what the parent says at home when it goes badly, and whether the child recovers faster with company or with five minutes alone.
What is their behaviour like at home, and does it match what other adults tell you?
Why ask it
A child can be easy at home and hard work in a group, or the reverse, and the gap between the two is the useful part. If a grandparent, a club leader and a previous teacher have all said the same thing, the parent already knows the pattern. If your account would be news to them, go slowly.
Is there any behaviour you are finding hard to manage at the moment?
Why ask it
Asked before there has been any trouble with you, this lets a parent raise biting, lying, refusing or hitting as their own concern instead of waiting to hear it as yours. Ask for one recent example, because 'he doesn't listen' can mean a dozen different things.
When it goes wrong, is there a pattern to it: a time of day, a place, a particular person?
Why ask it
Plenty of parents have not put it together until someone asks. Just before lunch, in the back of the car, whenever a certain cousin visits: each one points at hunger, boredom or company, and those are things you can plan a day around.
What tends to happen just before they hit out, run off or shut down?
Why ask it
The minute before is the one where an adult can still do something. Listen for being rushed, being laughed at, losing a turn or a room that got too loud, then watch for the same lead-up in your own setting.
Can I describe something I have seen here, and you tell me whether it happens at home too?
Why ask it
Keep this for the meeting you asked for because of a concern. Give one incident plainly, what happened and what you did about it, with no label attached, and then stop so the parent can say whether it is familiar.
What have you already tried with the behaviour that worries you, and how did it go?
Why ask it
It spares the parent being handed advice they gave up on a year ago. You also hear how long each idea was given before it was dropped, which tells you how much patience to ask for with yours.
Do they behave differently for different adults?
Why ask it
Most children do, and the parent can usually say who gets the best of them and who gets the worst. Find out what the favoured adult does, since it is often something small you can copy, like a lower voice or a warning before a change.
How do you handle it at home when they've done something wrong, and what would you like me to do?
Why ask it
When home and your setting answer the same behaviour very differently, expect the child to test both. You are not obliged to copy the family's approach, and your setting may not allow parts of it, but you should know where the two differ before the first incident.
Learning
How do they feel about school these days?
Why ask it
'These days' is deliberate, because feelings about school swing with one friendship or one subject. If you hear that they used to love it, ask when that changed and what else was going on then.
What do they tell you about their day, if anything?
Why ask it
What reaches home is a filtered version, and the filter is informative. A child who reports only lunch and break is showing you where the day feels safe. If nothing comes home at all, ask which questions get more than 'fine'.
Which subject or activity do they like best, and what is it about it?
Why ask it
The reason is more use to you than the subject. 'Maths, because there is a right answer' and 'art, because nobody marks it' describe two different children, and each tells you what to borrow for the parts of the week they like less.
How does your child pick up something new best: being shown, being told, or being left to try it first?
Why ask it
Ask for a recent example, such as tying laces, a card game or riding a bike, and trust the story over the label. The useful details are practical ones, like wanting to watch twice before touching anything, or hating to be watched while practising.
What do they do when something is too hard: ask, guess, or go quiet?
Why ask it
Guessing confidently and freezing call for opposite things from you: one child needs slowing down and checking, the other needs a first step small enough to start. Ask about the last time it happened and what got them moving again.
Are there subjects or activities they've already decided they're bad at?
Why ask it
Children arrive with verdicts about themselves, often collected years earlier from one comment. Knowing the verdict lets you avoid confirming it in the first few weeks, when one red mark or one dropped catch is all it takes.
How does homework go at your house?
Why ask it
An open wording gets the real picture: where it happens, who sits nearby, how long it takes, and whether it ends in tears. If a twenty-minute task is taking an hour, you would much rather hear that from the parent now than guess it from the worksheet.
Do they read for pleasure, and what was the last thing they chose for themselves?
Why ask it
The chosen thing counts whatever it is: comics, football annuals, game guides, the back of the cereal box. It shows you the level they are comfortable at and the subject that will pull them through a harder text.
What do they find easy that they might get bored doing here?
Why ask it
Parents of quick children often hold this back for fear of sounding boastful, so ask it outright. Boredom in a capable child can look a lot like misbehaviour, and it is far easier to plan for than to manage once it has started.
Is there something they have been asking to learn or try?
Why ask it
A child's own request, whether it is chess, the drums or how engines work, is motivation you did not have to build. Even a small nod to it in your sessions tells them you listened to more than the paperwork.
What have they learned to do in the last few months that they could not do before?
Why ask it
Parents enjoy this one, and it gives you a moving picture where most questions give a snapshot: riding without stabilisers, pouring their own drink, reading a whole page alone. If nothing comes to mind, ask what the child is working towards right now.
Is there anything about their development you have been wondering about?
Why ask it
'Wondering' is a softer word than 'worried', and it lets a parent mention speech, movement, sleep or making friends without it sounding like an alarm. Your part is to note what they have seen, not to say whether it is typical, and to ask whether they have raised it with their doctor or anyone else.
How easily do people outside the family understand them when they talk?
Why ask it
Parents tune in to their own child's speech and stop hearing what a stranger would miss. The answer prepares you for a child who gets frustrated at not being understood, and tells you which words you may need the parent to translate in the first weeks.
What gets them going when they do not want to do something?
Why ask it
Every family has a lever: a race against the clock, a choice between two options, a job with a title, the promise of doing it together. Ask what backfires as well, since a sticker chart that has worn out at home will not come back to life with you.
How do they like to be praised: out loud in front of everyone, or quietly afterwards?
Why ask it
Public praise is a reward for one child and a punishment for the next. Older children especially may work to avoid being singled out, so the answer can stop you undoing good work with a well-meant announcement.
Working Together
What was school like for you when you were their age?
Why ask it
A parent who was shouted at across a classroom hears a call from school differently from one who loved every year of it. You are not after a life story. A sentence or two tells you how much reassurance your messages home will need to carry.
What's worked with previous teachers or coaches, and what hasn't?
Why ask it
Parents have watched several adults try, and they know which approaches collapsed. If they are careful about criticising a previous person, ask what they wished had happened instead.
Have they had any extra support before that you would like to see continue?
Why ask it
Worded like this it is an invitation, and the parent decides how much to share: a reading group, speech sessions, a seat near the front, time with a counsellor. What you may ask and record differs between schools, clubs and countries, so check your own setting's rules and do not press a short answer.
How much time can you realistically give to reading or practice at home?
Why ask it
Asking what is realistic gets an honest answer, where asking what they will commit to gets a hopeful one. Shift work, younger children and homework set in a language the parent does not read easily all sit behind the reply, so treat 'ten minutes, twice a week' as a fact to plan around.
How do you want me to contact you, and how soon do you want to hear about small problems?
Why ask it
One parent wants to hear about every scraped knee and another only wants a call if it matters, and a text suits some where a note in the bag suits others. Agree it now, inside what your setting allows, and you avoid both complaints: told too late and contacted too often.
Is there another adult who should be getting my messages as well?
Why ask it
Messages often need to reach more than one home: a second household, a grandparent who does the afternoons, a childminder who sees the reading book before either parent does. Copying in everyone who needs it stops the child becoming the courier, and it is the parent's call who goes on the list.
What would you like to be different by the end of the year?
Why ask it
This is the hopes question with a deadline on it, which gives you both something to come back to at the next meeting. If the answer is only about grades or results, ask what they hope changes for the child day to day.
If I asked your child what they want out of this year, what do you think they would say?
Why ask it
The parent's goal and the child's are often far apart: one wants neater spelling, the other wants to be picked for the team. Put the same question to the child later and tell the parent where the two answers met.
What is one thing I could do that would make the biggest difference for them?
Why ask it
A single request tends to be small and doable: a seat away from the door, a warning before the fire drill, a hello by name each morning. If you cannot do it, say so now and say what you can do in its place.
What have I not asked that I should have?
Why ask it
Leave a proper silence after it. Whatever the parent rehearsed in the car comes out here, and it is often something no list would have covered: a recent scare, a promise made to the child, a detail about the walk home.
What do you wish people understood about your child?
Why ask it
Many parents answer this at once, because their child has been misread before: taken for rude when shy, or lazy when lost. Write the sentence down as they say it and read it again the first time the child puzzles you.
Talking to Parents About Their Child
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting up the conversation
Ask before the first problem, not after
These questions asked in the first couple of weeks read as interest. The same questions after an incident are heard as building a case, and the answers get shorter.
Choose by the time you have
A minute at the door is enough for Start Here. A settling-in visit, an intake interview or a first parents' meeting has room for one or two from each group, and the practical ones under Home Life can go home on paper beforehand so the meeting is spent on the answers that need a conversation. Nobody should be asked the whole list in one sitting.
Asking parents about their child's behaviour
If you asked for the meeting because of something you have seen, say so in the first minute. Describe one incident without a label, then use the pattern questions under Hard Moments: when it happens, what comes just before, and what the family has already tried.
Open with something specific you have noticed
Some parents arrive braced for criticism, especially if the last few years went badly. One concrete observation about their child, not a general compliment, changes the tone of everything after it.
Ask one question, then stop talking
Given room, parents answer the next two questions inside the first. Working down a list keeps every answer to a sentence.
Take notes where they can see you
Visible notes signal that the answers will be used rather than forgotten. It also stops you losing the medical details and contact preferences, which are the parts you cannot improvise later.
What to listen for
- The words the parent uses about the child, particularly labels like lazy, shy, or sensitive. A label used freely at home is one the child has probably heard.
- Which parent answers, and whether the two of them disagree about the answer.
- Whether they are describing the child now or the child three years ago.
- Anything they raise twice without being asked. That is what they came in worried about.
- What they steer around. A parent avoiding a topic is protecting the child or themselves, and it usually returns later in the term.
Common pitfalls
Fishing for a diagnosis
Asking whether a child has been assessed puts parents on the defensive and may exceed what you are allowed to ask. Describe the behaviour you have seen and ask whether it happens at home.
Using your own jargon
Differentiation, scaffolding, and executive function mean nothing to most parents and make the exchange one sided. Say what you would actually do on a Tuesday.
Promising more than you can keep up
Daily updates are easy to offer in a first meeting and hard to sustain past the first month. Offer only what you can do all year, because a dropped promise costs more than a modest one.
Treating the parent's account as the whole picture
Children behave differently in different rooms, and some parents have never seen the version you will get. Take the answers as good evidence about home rather than a prediction.
Writing down more than you should
What you may record about a family, and who gets to read it, depends on your school, club or country. Find out before the meeting, and keep health, custody and family details in the place your setting keeps them, not in a personal notebook.