Questions to Ask Parents About Their Child
Questions for a teacher, coach, childminder, or mentor meeting a child's parents for the first time. They cover routines, health, what settles the child and what sets them off, changes at home, and how the two of you will stay in contact.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What does your child like to be called?
Why ask it
A short opening question with a practical answer, and it catches shortened names, middle names in use, and pronunciations the register gets wrong. Getting this right in week one saves a child a term of corrections.
What are they into at the moment?
Why ask it
Current interests give you something to open with on a bad day, which is worth more than a general profile. Interests also date quickly, so ask again later in the year rather than relying on the answer.
Are there any allergies, medications, or health needs I should know about?
Why ask it
Ask directly even if a form exists, because forms go stale and parents remember details in conversation that they did not write down. Confirm what you would actually do, where the medication is kept, and who else knows.
What does a normal day look like for them at home?
Why ask it
Wake times, meals, and how the evening runs explain a great deal of what you will see in the afternoon. Long commutes, early shifts, and split households show up in this answer without anyone having to raise them.
What are they good at that adults don't usually notice?
Why ask it
Parents brace for criticism, and this question tells them you are not starting there. The answer often names something practical, like calming a younger sibling, that you can give the child a role in doing.
What does it look like when they're tired or overwhelmed?
Why ask it
Early signs differ by child: chatter, silence, clowning, complaints of stomach ache. Knowing the specific tell lets you act before a small problem becomes a scene in front of other children.
What helps when they're upset, and what makes it worse?
Why ask it
The second half is the part that saves you. Many children escalate if asked to talk about it immediately or if an adult crouches too close, and only the parent knows which.
How do they usually handle a new group of children?
Why ask it
Distinguishes the child who needs a week of watching from the child who needs a job to do on the first day. Ask what happened the last time rather than for a general description.
How do they let you know something's wrong: do they say it, or do you have to spot it?
Why ask it
Children who go quiet get overlooked in busy rooms, and this question tells you which kind you have. If the parent has to work it out from behaviour, ask what they look for.
Is there anything about starting here they're nervous about?
Why ask it
Named worries are usually specific and easy to solve: the changing rooms, reading aloud, not knowing anyone, getting home. Parents will often relay a worry the child would never tell you directly.
What's hard for them right now?
Why ask it
Left open, this catches things that no form asks about: a friendship that ended, a subject they dread, a sibling doing better. Resist filling the pause with a suggestion.
What do they do when something is too hard: ask, guess, or go quiet?
Why ask it
This is the single most useful thing to know about how a child works. A child who guesses confidently and a child who freezes need opposite responses from you.
Are there subjects or activities they've already decided they're bad at?
Why ask it
Children arrive with verdicts about themselves, often collected years earlier from one comment. Knowing the verdict lets you avoid confirming it in the first fortnight.
Has anything changed at home recently that might show up here?
Why ask it
Phrasing it this way lets a parent mention a separation, a bereavement, a new baby, a move, or someone's illness without being asked about any of them specifically. Ask what they would like kept private and who else needs to know.
How do you handle it at home when they've done something wrong, and what would you like me to do?
Why ask it
Sharp differences between home and here confuse children and undermine both adults. You are not obliged to copy their approach, but you should know where it differs before the first incident.
What's worked with previous teachers or coaches, and what hasn't?
Why ask it
Parents have watched several adults try, and they know which approaches collapsed. If they are careful about criticising a previous person, ask what they wished had happened instead.
How much can you realistically do at home to support this?
Why ask it
Asking about what is realistic gets an honest answer, where asking about commitment gets an aspirational one. Shift work, other children, and limited literacy in the home language all sit behind this.
How do you want me to contact you, and how soon do you want to hear about small problems?
Why ask it
Preferences vary widely, from tell me everything to only call if it matters. Agreeing this in advance prevents the complaint that a parent was told too late or contacted too often.
What would you like to be different by the end of the year?
Why ask it
Puts a specific goal on the table that you can both return to. If the answer is only about grades or results, ask what they hope changes for the child day to day.
What do you wish people understood about your child?
Why ask it
A closing question that most parents have an immediate answer to, because they have been misunderstood before. It is often the most important sentence in the whole conversation.
Talking to Parents About Their Child
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting up the conversation
Ask before the first problem, not after
These questions asked in the first fortnight read as interest. The same questions after an incident are heard as building a case, and the answers get shorter.
Open with something specific you have noticed
Parents arrive braced for criticism, especially if the last few years went badly. One concrete observation about their child, not a general compliment, changes the tone of everything after it.
Ask one question, then stop talking
Given room, parents answer the next two questions inside the first. Working down a list keeps every answer to a sentence.
Take notes where they can see you
Visible notes signal that the answers will be used rather than forgotten. It also stops you losing the medical details and contact preferences, which are the parts you cannot improvise later.
What to listen for
- The words the parent uses about the child, particularly labels like lazy, shy, or sensitive. Those usually came from an adult, and the child has heard them.
- Which parent answers, and whether the two of them disagree about the answer.
- Whether they are describing the child now or the child three years ago.
- Anything they raise twice without being asked. That is what they came in worried about.
- What they steer around. A parent avoiding a topic is protecting the child or themselves, and it usually returns later in the term.
Common pitfalls
Fishing for a diagnosis
Asking whether a child has been assessed puts parents on the defensive and may exceed what you are allowed to ask. Describe the behaviour you have seen and ask whether it happens at home.
Using your own jargon
Differentiation, scaffolding, and executive function mean nothing to most parents and make the exchange one sided. Say what you would actually do on a Tuesday.
Promising more than you can keep up
Daily updates are easy to offer in a first meeting and hard to sustain past October. Offer only what you can do all year, because a dropped promise costs more than a modest one.
Treating the parent's account as the whole picture
Children behave differently in different rooms, and some parents have never seen the version you will get. Take the answers as good evidence about home rather than a prediction.