Questions to Ask PNMs During Pref
Preference round is quieter than the rest of recruitment and it is not an interview. These questions are for one sincere conversation at the end of a long week: how she is doing, what she needs from a group of friends, what worries her, and what she wants to ask you.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How are you holding up? It is a long week.
Why ask it
Pref lands at the end of a physically hard week, and most PNMs have been performing enthusiasm since Monday. Opening here signals that this conversation is a different kind, and the honest answer tends to loosen everything after it.
What has this week actually been like for you?
Why ask it
Not a screening question. Blistered feet, homesickness, one conversation that went badly: whatever comes back is usually the first unrehearsed thing she has said all day.
Who are you calling at the end of each day?
Why ask it
The person she calls, a parent, a sister, a friend at another school, tells you more than any list of activities. It also gives you something specific to remember her by tonight.
What made you keep coming back to us?
Why ask it
The one question about your chapter that is fair at this round, since she has already narrowed her list. Listen for a specific person or moment rather than a description of the house, because that is what she is actually holding onto.
Was there a moment this week when you felt most like yourself?
Why ask it
Recruitment pushes almost everyone into performing, so the moment she stopped is genuinely informative. It usually also identifies which of your members made that happen, which is worth telling them.
What are you excited about this semester that has nothing to do with recruitment?
Why ask it
Steps outside the week entirely. A class, an audition, a job, a roommate she likes: it reminds you both that she is a whole person rather than a candidate.
What is something about you that has not come up in any of these conversations?
Why ask it
By pref she has told the same three stories many times over. This invites the fourth, which is usually the one she actually wanted to tell somebody.
What do you need from a group of friends to feel at home somewhere?
Why ask it
Better than asking what she wants from a sorority, because it produces real requirements: people who text back, someone to eat with, friends who do not mind quiet. You then know whether your chapter can honestly offer that.
What do you do when things get heavy, and who do you go to?
Why ask it
Pref is the round where support matters more than achievement. Whether she names a friend, her mother, a counselor or nobody tells you what kind of home she is hoping to find.
Who helped you get here, and do they know it?
Why ask it
Most PNMs are carrying someone with them: a coach, a grandmother, a sibling who did this first. It is a warm question, and it lets her say what she is proudest of without having to boast.
What worries you when you think about joining anything?
Why ask it
Everyone at pref has a worry: time, cost, homesickness, not fitting in. Naming it lets you answer truthfully instead of leaving her to guess, and truthful answers are what pref is for.
What is the hardest part of the decision you are making tonight?
Why ask it
Says out loud that she is choosing too, which the rest of recruitment quietly ignores. It is a fairer question than asking whether she wants you, and it tells you what she needs to hear next.
Has anything anyone said to you this week stayed with you?
Why ask it
Compliments during recruitment are mostly forgettable, so whatever stuck is worth knowing. If it came from your chapter, it shows what your members get right when nobody is scripting them.
Have you changed your mind about anything this week?
Why ask it
Minds change constantly during recruitment, and saying so is a sign of someone thinking for herself rather than following her friends. It also opens up what she arrived expecting.
What would you want new friends here to know about you early on?
Why ask it
Practical and kind: she is about to meet a lot of people at once. It also gives you something concrete and in her own words if you are the one writing about her tonight.
What do you hope college feels like a year from now?
Why ask it
Shifts from what she does to how she wants to live, which is the register this round is meant to be in. A vague answer is fine, because what matters is what she is reaching toward.
When you picture yourself at graduation, what are you doing?
Why ask it
A four-year question rather than a semester one, and it usually draws out an ambition she has not said aloud to strangers. Notice whether her picture has other people in it.
Is there anything you want to ask me about my own experience, honestly?
Why ask it
This is the round where your chapter is supposed to be the honest one. Answer plainly, including the harder parts of membership, because she will find out either way and will remember who told her first.
Would it help more to hear about us, or to have someone listen for a while?
Why ask it
Some PNMs want information at this point and some want ten quiet minutes. Asking instead of guessing is the kindest thing available at pref, and it stops the conversation becoming another performance.
Whatever happens tomorrow, is there anything you want me to know?
Why ask it
Leaves the door open without asking her for a promise. Many PNMs use it to say thank you, or to say the thing they would not have said in a conversation they thought was being scored.
How to use these questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
What pref is for
By preference round the PNM has narrowed her list and so has your chapter, and both sides are largely deciding on feel. It is not an evaluation round: questioning someone hard at this stage reads as cold, and your chapter becomes the one she remembers badly. Plan on one or two questions and a long conversation. Be ready to talk about your own membership honestly, including what has been difficult. Sit rather than stand if the room allows it, keep your voice down, and let silences sit.
What ruins a pref conversation
- Working through a list of questions. At this round it is obvious, and it makes the whole thing feel scored.
- Asking her to rank chapters or hinting for a promise about tomorrow. In most systems it breaks the rules, and it puts her in an impossible position.
- Filling the whole slot with your own story. Sincerity turns into a monologue faster than anyone expects.
- Overselling the chapter. If she joins and finds it is not what you described, she will remember exactly who described it.
- Crying at her. Some feeling is normal here, but a PNM comforting a member has the roles the wrong way round.
If she is upset
- Assume the day has been hard even if she does not say so. Many PNMs at pref have just been cut somewhere they hoped for.
- Do not ask which chapter cut her, and do not comment on other chapters even kindly.
- Offer water, a chair and a minute. Practical kindness lands better than reassurance.
- If she is genuinely distressed, bring in your recruitment chair or her recruitment counselor rather than managing it alone.
Talking about your own membership
- Bring one specific story rather than a summary of what the chapter means to you.
- Name one thing that was hard: a semester when you were overcommitted, a friendship that took a year. Honesty persuades more than a list of highlights.
- Be accurate about time and cost if she asks, and check beforehand which numbers you are allowed to give.
- End by telling her one true thing you noticed about her. That is the part she will remember whichever way tomorrow goes.