Questions to Ask Seniors
Questions for a visit with an older relative, a neighbor, or a resident you volunteer with. They open with easy ground, Saturdays, first jobs, food, then move toward what has changed and what they would say to their younger self, so an hour has somewhere to go.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What was your favorite way to spend a Saturday when you were young?
Why ask it
An easy start because it asks about pleasure rather than achievement. The details that come out, a bus fare, a dance hall, a lake, are usually the hooks for every other story of that period.
What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
The number is the good part. People remember their first wage exactly, and saying it out loud tends to lead straight into who hired them, what the work was like, and what they bought with it.
What were you listening to when you were twenty?
Why ask it
Music from late adolescence stays vivid when much else has faded, so this often works even when recent memory is unreliable. Playing one of the songs afterwards is a good use of the next visit.
What meal from your childhood can you still taste?
Why ask it
More specific than asking about a favorite meal, and it usually produces the cook rather than just the dish. Ask whether anyone still makes it, because that is often where the family history sits.
What was your favorite subject at school, and who taught it?
Why ask it
Naming the teacher pulls the answer out of generalities and into a person: strict, kind, the one who lent them books. Some people will instead tell you the subject they were made to feel stupid in, which is worth hearing too.
What tradition from your childhood have you kept?
Why ask it
Distinguishes what they chose to carry forward from what was simply done to them. If they mention something that has quietly stopped, you may have found something worth restarting.
What story does your family always make you tell?
Why ask it
Everyone has a well-worn story, and letting them tell the polished version relaxes them before you ask anything harder. Ask what happened afterwards, since that part is usually left out.
What's the most beautiful place you've ever been?
Why ask it
Note whether they name somewhere far away or somewhere ordinary they went repeatedly. The second answer usually comes attached to a person, and that is the thread to follow.
What are you proud of that hardly anyone knows about?
Why ask it
Public accomplishments have been repeated until they are flat. This asks for the one that was never celebrated, often a debt quietly paid, someone helped, a habit broken, and it is usually the answer they are most glad to give.
What did your parents teach you that you still do their way?
Why ask it
Concrete inheritance rather than abstract values: how they fold, save, greet a neighbor, handle bad news. It also opens a door onto grandparents you may never have heard about.
What's the best advice anyone ever gave you, and who gave it?
Why ask it
Asking for the source doubles the answer. If they cannot name a person, the advice was probably absorbed rather than received, which is its own interesting fact about how they were raised.
What was your favorite decade, and what was going on in your life then?
Why ask it
The second half stops it becoming a comment on history. Most people choose the decade they had the most freedom, and hearing why tells you what they still miss.
What's the biggest change you've watched happen?
Why ask it
Listen for whether they name technology or something about how people treat each other. The second kind of answer is harder to get elsewhere, and it usually comes with a specific example rather than a generalization.
Was there a moment when your life could easily have gone another way?
Why ask it
This gets at the near miss: the job not taken, the letter that arrived late, the person they almost married. It is often the story they have thought about most and been asked about least.
What did you manage to do that surprised even you?
Why ask it
Invites them to describe capability they discovered rather than talent they always had. Answers about surviving something tend to arrive here rather than in response to direct questions about hardship.
What do you look for in a friend now that you didn't care about at thirty?
Why ask it
Puts a comparison in the question so the answer has to be specific. People who have outlived friends often talk about reliability and simple presence rather than shared interests.
What are you grateful for now that you took for granted then?
Why ask it
Usually produces something physical, like being able to walk somewhere or sleep well, alongside something about people. It is a gentle route into the subject of loss without asking about it directly.
What are you still trying to get better at?
Why ask it
Assumes they are still working on something, which is a small kindness in itself. Answers range from a language to patience with a family member, and either gives you something to ask about next time.
What do you wish younger people understood about getting older?
Why ask it
Expect something plainer than inspiration: the boredom, the paperwork, being talked over, the surprise of still feeling like yourself. Resist the urge to soften it, and just let them finish.
If you could tell your twenty-year-old self one thing, what would it be?
Why ask it
A good closing question because it makes them summarize a lifetime in a sentence. Whatever they choose is what they most want you to take away, which is why it belongs at the end and not the start.
Having the conversation
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Set it up so talking is easy
Kill the background noise
Television, a busy dining room, or a kitchen fan makes a conversation exhausting for anyone with reduced hearing. Sit at the same level, on their better-hearing side, with your face in the light.
Bring an object
A photograph, a recipe card, a map, or a piece of jewelry does more than any opening question. People who say they have nothing to tell will talk for an hour with a picture in their hands.
Plan for less time than you have
Thirty or forty minutes of real conversation is usually the limit before either of you tires. Ending while it is still enjoyable is what makes the next visit welcome.
While they're talking
- Let the silence run. A pause of five or six seconds is often someone retrieving a detail, not losing the thread, and filling it interrupts the memory.
- Follow the tangent. If a question about school turns into a story about a brother, go with the brother. The detour is nearly always better than your next question.
- Ask for sensory detail rather than dates. What the room smelled like, what the walk to work was like, what they wore. It is easier to recall and better to listen to.
- Repeat back a name or a place you want to keep straight. It confirms you were listening and it fixes the spelling in your own memory.
If memory is unreliable
Do not quiz
Asking what year something happened, or whether they remember your name, turns the visit into a test they can fail. Ask about how something felt or what someone was like, which does not depend on recall.
Let a wrong detail stand
Correcting the year or the town derails the story and embarrasses everyone. If the facts matter to you, check them later with another relative.
Repetition is not a problem
If the same story comes around a third time, listen to it again. Being able to tell it is worth more to them than variety is to you.
Recording, if you want to
- 1Ask first, plainly, and accept a no. A phone on the table recording audio is far less intrusive than a camera pointed at them.
- 2Say who it is for. 'So the grandchildren can hear this' gets a yes far more often than an unexplained request.
- 3Note the date and who was present in the first ten seconds of the recording. Years later that is the part you will be grateful for.
- 4Write down two or three names or places straight afterwards, while you can still remember which spelling they used.
What to avoid
- Raising your voice or slowing your speech before you know whether it is needed. Speaking clearly and facing them does more than volume, and being shouted at is unpleasant.
- Treating the visit as an interview to be completed. Half the questions asked well beats all of them asked in order.
- Steering away from anyone who has died. Most people want to talk about them and find that everyone else changes the subject.
- Filling every pause with your own news. You can trade stories, but the point of these questions is that they get to be the one who is heard.