Questions to Ask Someone Before They Die
Questions for family and friends sitting with someone whose time is short. They cover life story, people, practical wishes, and things left unsaid, and they can be asked a few at a time over many visits.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How are you doing today?
Why ask it
Start here every visit. The answer sets the ceiling for the rest of the conversation, and on some days the honest answer will be that they do not want to talk at all.
Would it be all right if I asked you some questions about your life?
Why ask it
Consent given out loud is easy to withdraw later. Without it, a well-meant interview can feel like being told your remaining time has an agenda.
Where did you grow up, and what was the house like?
Why ask it
A physical place is easy to describe when energy is low, and it usually pulls other memories along with it. This is the question people can still answer on a bad day.
Who were you closest to when you were young?
Why ask it
Often surfaces people the family has never heard of. Names given here are worth writing down, because they are frequently the ones nobody else can supply later.
How did you and your partner meet?
Why ask it
A story most people have told many times, which makes it easy and steadying. The version told now often includes details the family version has lost.
What work did you do, and did you like it?
Why ask it
The second half is the part usually left out of obituaries. Some people are proud of work nobody thought to ask about, and some spent decades in a job they never chose.
What was going on in the world when you were young that you still think about?
Why ask it
Gets you their lived experience of history rather than a list of dates. Answers often explain habits around money, food, or safety that the family read as quirks.
Is there a photograph you'd like me to know the story behind?
Why ask it
Working from an object gives the conversation somewhere to rest and keeps it short when talking is tiring. It also fixes the story to something the family will still have.
What are you proudest of?
Why ask it
Frequently not the achievement the family would name. People often choose something private: a debt repaid, a person they kept going for, a habit they broke.
Is there anything you regret, or wish you'd done differently?
Why ask it
Ask it plainly and then be quiet. Rushing to reassure them cuts off the answer, and most people have been waiting for permission to say it once out loud.
What do you know now that you didn't at my age?
Why ask it
Puts them in the role of the one with something to give, which is often what is missing when everyone around them has become a carer.
What brings you comfort at the moment?
Why ask it
Answers tend to be small and specific: a particular blanket, the radio, the window open. Practical to act on, and it moves the visit from talking to helping.
Who would you like to see or hear from?
Why ask it
Also tells you who they would rather not see. Both halves matter, and the family often needs to hear it from them rather than guessing.
Is there anyone you'd like to say something to while there's time?
Why ask it
Sometimes the answer is a person nobody expected. If they cannot manage the conversation themselves, offer to write, call, or pass on the message.
Is there anything you want me to know that we've never talked about?
Why ask it
Open enough for anything: an apology, a secret, a piece of family history. Long silences before the answer are usually a sign to wait rather than move on.
What would you like us to do with your things?
Why ask it
Specific instructions prevent later arguments between people who are grieving. Even partial answers, one ring, one set of tools, are worth having.
Have you thought about how you'd like to be remembered or honoured?
Why ask it
Covers the service, music, readings, burial or cremation, and whether they want any of it at all. Families otherwise plan by guesswork in the first shocked week.
What do you hope for us, after?
Why ask it
Gives them a say in the future they will not see, and gives the people staying something concrete to hold onto. Answers are often instructions rather than sentiments.
Is there anything you'd like me to tell your grandchildren when they're older?
Why ask it
Directs their words at people who will not remember them clearly, or who are not born yet. Recording this one, with permission, is usually worth the awkwardness of asking.
Would you like me to stay a while, or would you rather rest?
Why ask it
End every visit with this. It hands the decision back to them, and sitting in silence together counts as an answer.
How to use these questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Practical notes
Ask permission, and ask again
Consent on Monday is not consent on Thursday. Illness and medication change how much someone can manage from hour to hour.
Two or three questions per visit
Fatigue is the main limit, not willingness. Short, repeated visits produce far more than one long session.
Recording
If you want to record, say so and let them hear the start of it. Many people are glad to be recorded and some are not, and being recorded without knowing is a real breach.
Let silence run
Pauses are often the answer being assembled, not a failure to understand. Filling them is the most common way these conversations get cut short.
Bring in help when it fits
Hospice staff, social workers, and chaplains do this daily and can join a conversation or take over a part of it that the family cannot manage.
What to avoid
Correcting the record
Dates and details may be wrong. Unless it matters practically, let it stand: the version they are telling is the one worth having.
Reassuring instead of listening
"Don't say that" and "you've nothing to regret" end the subject. If they have raised something hard, they wanted it heard, not softened.
Making it your conversation
Your grief is real and it is not the work of this visit. Take it to someone else afterwards.
Treating the list as a checklist
If they want to talk about the football, talk about the football. Unasked questions are a smaller loss than a visit they endured.