Questions to Ask Someone Who Is Dying
Bedside questions about comfort, company, and decisions, for family or friends visiting someone in the last weeks or days. Short, practical, and meant to be asked one or two at a time.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Would you like company, or would you rather rest?
Why ask it
Ask on arrival, every time. Visitors are often more tiring than they realise, and most people will not send someone away unless they are invited to.
How are you feeling today?
Why ask it
Keep it to today. Broader questions about how they are doing invite a summary of the illness, which is usually the last thing they want to give again.
Are you comfortable right now, or is something bothering you?
Why ask it
Pain, nausea, thirst, itching, and a badly placed pillow are all fixable and all frequently unmentioned. If they say no, ask again about pain specifically.
Is the pain being managed well enough?
Why ask it
Worth asking directly rather than waiting for them to complain. Many people accept more pain than they need to, and a nurse or doctor can usually adjust it if someone raises it.
Would you like the window open, the light down, the television off?
Why ask it
Offering options is easier than asking what they want, which requires them to generate an answer. Small environmental changes are among the few things still under their control.
Can I get you anything to drink, or something to moisten your mouth?
Why ask it
A dry mouth is one of the most common sources of discomfort near the end and is often overlooked. Ask the nursing staff what is allowed before offering fluids.
Would you rather I talked, or just sat here?
Why ask it
Silence with someone present is what many people want and rarely request. Asking removes the pressure to make conversation for your benefit.
Is there anything you want to ask the doctors that hasn't been answered?
Why ask it
People often hold questions back until a family member is in the room. Write the question down and make sure it is put to the medical team rather than answered by you.
Do you want to know what's happening, or would you rather not?
Why ask it
Both answers are legitimate and either can change from week to week. Assuming they want full information, or assuming they do not, is a common way families get this wrong.
Who would you like to see, and is there anyone you'd rather not?
Why ask it
The second half is the one families need and almost never ask. It lets you manage visitors without them having to refuse anyone in person.
Would you like someone here overnight?
Why ask it
Nights are frequently the hardest part and the least discussed. Ask plainly whether they want company, and whether they would rather it were a particular person.
Is there anyone you'd like me to contact for you?
Why ask it
Includes calls they cannot manage themselves and people they have lost touch with. Offering to make the call yourself is often what makes it possible.
What decisions would you like help with?
Why ask it
Keeps them in charge while acknowledging the effort involved. Answers may be medical, practical, or as small as what to do about a phone contract.
Have you written anything down about your wishes, and where is it?
Why ask it
Advance directives, wills, and funeral instructions are useless if nobody can find them. Ask for the location and who else knows, not for the contents.
Is there any practical thing worrying you that I could take off your hands?
Why ask it
Bills, pets, a car, an unfinished job, a person they usually look after. Removing one of these is often more welcome than any conversation about feelings.
Would you like to see a chaplain, a rabbi, an imam, or anyone like that?
Why ask it
Offer without assuming, in either direction. Hospices can usually arrange someone from most traditions, and some people want it who have not practised for decades.
Is there music, a reading, or a prayer you'd like around you?
Why ask it
Concrete and easy to act on now, and it also tells the family what to do later. People often name something quite ordinary rather than solemn.
How would you like to be remembered or honoured?
Why ask it
Covers the service, burial or cremation, and whether they want anything at all. Having it in their words spares the family from guessing in the first days after.
Is there anything unsaid that you'd like to say, to me or to anyone?
Why ask it
Ask once, gently, and let it sit. If the answer is a message for someone else, offer to carry it, write it, or bring that person in.
Is there anything you want me to do differently when I visit?
Why ask it
Gives them a safe way to say that you talk too much, stay too long, or bring too many people. Most will not raise it unprompted, and it improves every visit after.
How to use these questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Consent and pacing
- Ask permission before any sensitive subject, and accept "not now" without a second attempt that day.
- One or two questions a visit. Fatigue, medication, and breathlessness limit what is possible far more than willingness does.
- Follow their energy rather than your list. A visit spent on the weather or the cricket is not a wasted visit.
- Consent given last week is not consent today. Ask again.
- If they cannot speak, keep to questions answerable with a nod, a squeeze, or a look.
Practical notes
Bring the staff in
Hospice nurses, palliative teams, social workers, and chaplains do this every day. Pass on anything about pain, breathing, or distress rather than trying to judge it yourself.
Write things down
Wishes, names, locations of documents, messages for other people. Grief makes memory unreliable, and families argue later about instructions nobody recorded.
Sit down and stay at eye level
Standing over a bed shortens visits and makes conversation feel like a ward round. Sitting signals that you are not about to leave.
Let silence be enough
Long pauses are usually the answer being assembled or simply rest. Filling them is the most common way these visits get cut short.
Look after yourself elsewhere
Your own distress is real and belongs in another room, with another person. Carrying it into the visit puts them in the position of comforting you.
What to avoid
Encouragement instead of listening
"You'll be fine" and "don't talk like that" close the subject. If they have raised dying, they wanted it heard.
Correcting them
Dates, names, and details may be wrong. Unless it matters practically, leave it.
Crowding the room
Several visitors at once turns a bedside into an audience. Take turns, and keep visits short.
Deciding what they can handle
Withholding information because it seems kinder removes their say in their own last weeks. Ask what they want to know and follow the answer.