Questions to Ask on Wedding RSVP
Twenty questions to put to guests across the RSVP window: chasing the people who have not replied, confirming numbers and dietary needs, sorting travel and rooms, and the quiet questions that make a table plan work.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Did our invitation arrive all right?
Why ask it
The gentlest way to open a chasing call, because it offers the guest an exit that is not their fault. It also catches the genuine cases: wrong address, an envelope opened by someone else, an email in a spam folder.
We have not heard back yet, are you hoping to come?
Why ask it
Hoping rather than coming gives someone who is unsure room to say so. Guests who are avoiding the reply are usually avoiding a no, and this phrasing lets them give it without a speech.
Can I put you down for two, or will you be coming on your own?
Why ask it
Says who is invited without ever using the phrase plus one. If they name someone you have not heard of before, you have found out now rather than from a table plan.
Is it the date that is difficult, or the travel?
Why ask it
Ask when someone is hedging. Travel problems you can often solve with a lift or a room; a date clash you cannot. The answer tells you whether to keep talking or to let them off warmly.
Just to be certain, is that both of you and the children, or the two of you?
Why ask it
Headcount errors cluster around children, in both directions: parents who assume their children are invited and parents who assume they are not. Confirming out loud costs nothing and moves the number by four.
You said yes back in the spring, is that still the plan?
Why ask it
Early acceptances need re-confirming, particularly from guests travelling far. Jobs, health and money change over a year, and people who said yes in principle often have not looked at flights.
Is there anything the kitchen should know about what either of you eats?
Why ask it
Framed as the kitchen rather than as a special requirement, which gets better answers. Follow up on anything vague: an intolerance and an anaphylactic allergy need entirely different handling and are described in the same words.
Have you sorted somewhere to stay, or would you like us to hold a room?
Why ask it
Room blocks release on a date and guests book late. Asking directly turns a vague intention into either a booking or a decision that they are driving home, and both are useful to know.
How are you getting there, and would a lift help?
Why ask it
Puts the transport problem on the table before it becomes a taxi shortage at midnight. Guests will accept a lift offered by name and will not volunteer that they cannot get there.
Do you want to come to the drinks the night before, or would you rather just do the day?
Why ask it
Giving the second option openly stops people agreeing to everything and then dropping out of one thing. The guests who choose the day only tend to be the ones with the longest journey.
Is there anyone you would like to be sitting with?
Why ask it
One named person is usually all people ask for, and honouring it makes the room noticeably warmer. It also identifies the guest with no one to name, who is the person to seat most carefully.
Would you mind being put with people you have not met?
Why ask it
Some guests are happy to be seated anywhere and some will spend the evening silent. Asking lets you place the sociable ones next to the guests who came alone, which is the single most useful thing a table plan can do.
Is there anything going on in the family that we should know before we do the table plan?
Why ask it
Aimed at a parent, sibling or close friend rather than at guests generally. Separations, feuds and recent losses that nobody has told you about are far cheaper to learn now than at the seating chart.
Would you be willing to do a reading in the ceremony?
Why ask it
Ask early and in person, and say how long it is and whether you are choosing the piece. A yes that arrives quickly with a question about the text is a reader who will prepare; a slow yes usually needs an easy way out offered.
Would you rather stay out of the group photographs?
Why ask it
Rarely asked, and appreciated by more guests than you would expect: people who are unwell, newly separated, or simply hate being photographed. Asking privately means they do not have to slip away when the photographer starts organising.
Can you be there by two, or is that tight with the train?
Why ask it
Concrete times get concrete answers where a general reminder does not. It also identifies guests likely to arrive during the ceremony, which is worth knowing so the ushers can plan for it.
Who else are you in touch with who has not replied yet?
Why ask it
Ask a well-connected guest rather than chasing twenty people yourself. They will often tell you which relative is waiting on a hospital appointment and which friend has simply lost the card.
Is there anything about the day you are worried about?
Why ask it
Guests worry quietly about dress code, standing for long periods, who they will know, and whether they can leave early. All of that is fixable, and none of it is volunteered.
If you cannot come to the wedding, would you come to something smaller afterwards?
Why ask it
Turns a no into a plan and takes the sting out of it. It also tells you whether the decline is about the date or about something else, because a guest who declines both is telling you more than they said.
Now that you are coming, is there anything you would like to know before the day?
Why ask it
Worth asking every accepted guest once. The questions that come back, parking, timings, whether there is food between the ceremony and dinner, are the ones to answer publicly for everyone rather than one at a time.
Running the RSVP window
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Set the dates backwards
Start from the caterer, not from the invitation
Find out when your caterer needs final numbers, usually two to three weeks out, then set the RSVP deadline four to five weeks before that. The gap is the chasing period, and it always gets used.
Expect a third to be late
Plan for it rather than being annoyed by it. Decide now who will make the calls, in which week, and to whom, because the chasing does not happen if it belongs to nobody.
Split the list by whether you need the answer
People whose count affects catering, seating and transport get a phone call. People who will turn up regardless can wait. Treating all non-responders as equally urgent wastes the fortnight you have.
Call, do not message, the ones who matter
A text is easy to leave unanswered and easy for a guest to answer imprecisely. A short call gets a number, a dietary note and a travel plan in ninety seconds.
Wording that gets clean answers
- Say the number you have written down and ask them to correct it, rather than asking how many are coming.
- Name the invited people explicitly when children or partners are ambiguous. Vagueness meant kindly is the main cause of an unexpected extra chair.
- Ask about food as something you are passing to the kitchen, not as a special requirement.
- Offer the smaller option out loud, whether that is the day only or the ceremony only, so people are not choosing between everything and nothing.
- Give a decision deadline when you offer to hold a room or arrange a lift, or the answer will stay open until the week before.
- Repeat back what you have agreed at the end of the call, and write it down while you are still on the phone.
The awkward conversations
The guest who wants to bring someone you did not invite
Answer with the constraint rather than with a judgement: the room holds a fixed number and the list is closed. Making it about capacity rather than about their partner keeps the relationship intact, and being consistent matters more than the individual answer because guests compare notes.
The relative who will not commit
Set a date at which you will assume a no, tell them what it is, and then hold to it. Leaving a place open indefinitely costs a seat and moves the caterer's number.
Two guests who should not be seated together
You will usually hear about this from a third party. Verify it with someone close to both before rearranging a table on the strength of one account.
The late cancellation
Most caterers cannot refund inside the final week, so decide in advance whether you will ask anyone to fill the place. Often the better answer is to leave the seat empty and say nothing on the day.
The final fortnight
- 1Freeze the list on a stated day and give one person sole responsibility for editing it.
- 2Send the confirmed number and the dietary list to the caterer, then ask them to confirm the figure back in writing.
- 3Give the final headcount and the table plan to the venue, the coordinator and whoever is placing name cards.
- 4Circulate the practical answers, parking, timings, dress code, what happens between ceremony and dinner, to everyone at once.
- 5Keep a short list of guests who may arrive late or leave early, and tell the ushers rather than the whole party.