Questions to Ask When Planning a Funeral
Questions to ask a funeral home while making arrangements, covering itemized costs, what is optional, timing, cremation and burial procedure, paperwork, and which decisions can wait. Written for families arranging a funeral for the first time.
The questions
Open any question for the note
May I have a copy of your price list to take away with me?
Why ask it
In the United States, the FTC Funeral Rule requires funeral providers to give you an itemized general price list on request, in person, and to let you keep it. Having it on paper lets you make decisions away from the office, and lets you compare with another provider without repeating the whole conversation.
What is included in your basic services fee, and is it charged whatever we choose?
Why ask it
This is usually the largest non-optional item and covers the provider's overhead and coordination. Knowing the figure lets you see how much of the total is fixed, and how much is made up of choices you can still change.
What does a direct cremation cost here, and what does an immediate burial cost?
Why ask it
These two are the simplest options, and their prices set the floor for everything else. Providers are required to list them, and the gap between the floor and the package you were shown first tells you what the additional services are costing.
Which items on this list are optional?
Why ask it
Packages tend to include things families would not choose separately: a viewing, limousines, printed materials, a more expensive casket. Asking item by item is slow but it is the single most effective way to bring the cost down without giving anything up that matters to you.
Is embalming needed for what we are planning?
Why ask it
Embalming is generally not required by law and depends on what you intend to do and when. If a provider says it is legally required, ask which law, because the Funeral Rule prohibits telling families that when it is not the case.
If we do not embalm, what are the alternatives and how long can we wait?
Why ask it
Refrigeration is usually available and is often cheaper. The answer tells you how much time you have to gather family, which is frequently the real constraint on the whole schedule.
May we provide a casket or urn bought elsewhere?
Why ask it
The Funeral Rule requires providers to accept a casket you obtained from another seller and forbids a handling fee for doing so. Caskets bought elsewhere are often substantially less expensive, and the answer to this question also tells you how the provider treats an informed family.
Which of these charges are yours, and which are paid to other people on our behalf?
Why ask it
Cash advance items, cemetery fees, clergy honoraria, death certificate copies, flowers, are collected by the funeral home but paid out. Providers must disclose when they add a service charge to these, and knowing which is which shows you what you could arrange directly.
What will the cemetery charge separately, and who arranges that?
Why ask it
The plot, opening and closing the grave, a marker and its installation are usually not on the funeral home's bill, and together they can approach the funeral itself. Families are often surprised by this after they have already committed.
Does the cemetery require a vault or outer burial container?
Why ask it
Many cemeteries do require one, but that is a cemetery rule rather than a legal requirement, and prices vary widely. Ask whether a basic model satisfies the rule, since the models displayed are rarely the least expensive available.
Who will bring them into your care, and when will that happen?
Why ask it
A plain answer here matters more than it sounds, because families often do not know what happens in the hours after a death. Ask whether you can be present, and whether there is a wait if the death occurred at home or in another county.
When may we see them, and can we have time alone?
Why ask it
Time with the body is often possible outside a formal viewing and at little or no cost, but it is rarely offered unprompted. Ask about the room, the hours and whether children may come, since those constraints will shape who can be there.
How do you identify and track someone through the cremation process, and may a family member be present?
Why ask it
Reputable crematories use a documented identification procedure and will describe it without hesitation. Many will also allow a witness, which matters a great deal to some families and to some faiths, and needs to be requested in advance.
How long until the ashes are returned, and in what container?
Why ask it
Typically one to three weeks, depending on paperwork and permits. Ask what the default container is, since the basic one is included and the urns on display are an additional charge you can decide on later.
What do you need from us, and how many certified copies of the death certificate should we order?
Why ask it
Banks, insurers, pension providers and registries each want an original, and ordering more later costs more per copy and takes longer. Ask the provider to help you count the institutions rather than guessing.
Is any part of this covered by benefits, insurance or a prepaid plan?
Why ask it
Veterans' burial benefits, union or fraternal death benefits, employer life cover and a small Social Security payment to a surviving spouse or child may all apply. A provider who handles these regularly will know what to check and what documents are needed.
When is payment due, and what happens if the money is coming from an estate or an insurance payout?
Why ask it
Most providers want payment before the service, while insurance and estate funds can take weeks. Ask whether they will accept an assignment of the policy, and get the arrangement in writing before you sign for services.
What parts of this can we do ourselves?
Why ask it
Families can often handle readings, music, printed orders of service, flowers, transport of the ashes and hosting the gathering. Doing some of it yourself lowers the cost and, more often, gives people something useful to do in a week when they need it.
If we change our minds after signing, what can be changed and what is not refundable?
Why ask it
Decisions made in the first day or two are often revisited once more of the family has arrived. Knowing which items are locked in, and by when, prevents a difficult conversation later.
Which of these decisions can wait until next week?
Why ask it
Very little has to be settled immediately: markers, urns, obituaries, memorial gatherings and thank-you cards can all be decided later. A provider who is willing to separate the urgent from the rest is one you can trust with the rest of it.
Making arrangements
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
What you are entitled to ask for
An itemized price list, on paper
In the United States the FTC Funeral Rule requires providers to hand you a general price list when you ask about arrangements in person, and to give prices over the telephone if you ask. You may choose individual items rather than a package.
A written statement before you pay
Providers must give you an itemized statement of everything you have selected and the total, before the service takes place. Read it against your notes, because items sometimes appear that were discussed and declined.
The option to buy elsewhere
Caskets and urns can be bought from third parties and providers must accept them without a handling fee. Delivery timing is the only practical constraint, so check it before ordering.
Time
There is rarely a reason to decide everything in one meeting. It is reasonable to say you will confirm the optional items tomorrow, and a provider who resists that is telling you something useful.
How to work through the meeting
Settle the shape first
- 1Burial or cremation, and roughly when.
- 2Whether there will be a viewing, a service, or a gathering later.
- 3Who needs to travel, and how long that takes.
Then the costs
- 1May I have a copy of your price list to take away with me?
- 2What is included in your basic services fee, and is it charged whatever we choose?
- 3Which items on this list are optional?
- 4Which of these charges are yours, and which are paid to other people on our behalf?
Then the parts that can wait
- Markers and monuments, which are usually ordered weeks later.
- The urn, if the ashes will be kept or scattered.
- A memorial gathering, which many families now hold a month or more afterwards.
Things worth knowing in advance
Bring someone who is not immediate family
A friend or a more distant relative can take notes, ask about prices and say let us think about it, in a meeting where the closest family may not feel able to. It is the single most useful thing anyone can offer in the first few days.
Caskets are shown in a deliberate order
Display rooms tend to lead with mid and higher priced models, and the least expensive may be in a corner or shown only in a catalogue. Ask directly to see the cheapest option available.
Cost is not a measure of care
Grief and guilt push people toward spending, and sales conversations do not always discourage it. The people at the service will remember who spoke and what was said, not the price of the casket.
Compare two providers if you can
Prices for the same arrangements differ substantially between funeral homes in the same town, and prices for cremation especially so. A phone call to a second provider takes ten minutes and providers are required to quote over the phone.