Questions to Ask Your Child
Questions for parents who get one-word answers about school and want something better, from easy end-of-day openers to the ones worth asking when you have time and privacy.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What was the best thing that happened today?
Why ask it
Works because it asks for one thing rather than a summary, which is why it beats asking how the day was. Accept a small answer, since the habit of answering at all matters more at first than the content.
What was the worst thing?
Why ask it
Ask it in the same breath as the best thing so complaining is expected rather than a signal of trouble. Children who only ever get asked about good things learn that bad news is unwelcome.
Who did you sit with at lunch?
Why ask it
Lunch and recess are where the social order shows, and this asks about it without using the word friends. A different name every week, or a shift from a steady answer to a vague one, is worth noticing quietly rather than remarking on.
What made you laugh today?
Why ask it
Gets a story rather than a report, and gives you the names of the children who matter to them. It also tells you what they think you will find funny, which is its own piece of information.
Did anything happen today that you didn't understand?
Why ask it
Covers both schoolwork and behavior they witnessed, so it catches things a question about lessons would miss. Younger children often use it to raise something an adult said that confused them.
Was anyone left out today?
Why ask it
Easier to answer than asking whether they were left out, and it often gets there anyway. It also tells you what they do when they see it happen, which is worth knowing before you need to.
What was hard today?
Why ask it
Keeps the word 'hard' neutral rather than shameful, which is the point. Notice whether they can name the specific step that was difficult, since that is the difference between a struggle and a general dread.
What are you looking forward to this week?
Why ask it
Tells you what they are counting on, which is useful when plans need changing. If nothing comes to mind at all for several weeks, that flatness is worth paying attention to.
What's something you're good at that nobody at school knows about?
Why ask it
Separates their own sense of competence from the things that get graded and praised. The answer is often something they have never been asked about, which is why it lands.
Who in your class would you like to be friends with, and what stops you?
Why ask it
The second half is the useful part, because it surfaces a specific obstacle you can help with rather than a general wish. Answers about not knowing how to start are common and very fixable.
Who do you go to when you're upset and I'm not there?
Why ask it
Tells you whether there is a trusted adult at school and which friend they rely on. If the answer is nobody, that is worth acting on rather than reassuring away.
What do you worry about when you're trying to go to sleep?
Why ask it
Night is when children admit things, and naming bedtime gives permission for worries that would sound silly in daylight. Ask it lying beside them with the light off rather than at the table.
Is there anything you've been wanting to tell me and haven't?
Why ask it
Ask it occasionally rather than routinely, and then wait longer than is comfortable. If they say no, the value is in having shown the question exists; children often come back to it days later.
What's something you wish I'd stop doing?
Why ask it
You will hear about a nickname, a habit in front of their friends, or how often you check their homework. Take the first honest answer without arguing, or you will not get a second one.
When was the last time I embarrassed you?
Why ask it
Lighter than it sounds and useful for that reason, especially with children between ten and fourteen. It also maps out exactly where their line on privacy in front of others now sits.
What do you think is unfair?
Why ask it
Deliberately open, so it can catch a rule at home, a teacher, or something they have seen in the world. Children argue their strongest and clearest when the subject is fairness.
If you could change one rule in this house, which one?
Why ask it
Gives you a real negotiation rather than a complaint, and the rule they choose tells you which one they experience as arbitrary. Consider actually changing one, or the question becomes theatre.
What would you do if a friend asked you to keep a secret that felt wrong?
Why ask it
Rehearses a decision before they face it, which is the point of asking. Pay attention to whether their plan includes telling an adult, and if not, agree together who that adult would be.
What do you think you'll be like when you're grown up?
Why ask it
Not the same as asking what job they want, and it produces a much better answer. What they imagine keeping and dropping from their current life is often the clearest view you will get of how they see themselves.
If you had a whole Saturday with me, what would we do?
Why ask it
Ends on something you can actually deliver, and the request is usually smaller and cheaper than you expect. If a version of it is possible, put a date on it before the conversation ends.
Getting past one-word answers
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
When to ask
Not in the first ten minutes after school
Most children are depleted at pickup and will give you nothing. The same question at dinner, in the bath, or in the car two hours later usually gets a real answer.
Use the car and the dark
Side by side with no eye contact is the easiest configuration for a hard subject, which is why driving and bedtime work so well. Sitting a child down across a table signals that they are in trouble.
Ask one question, then be quiet
Silence is what produces the second sentence, and adults almost always fill it. Count to ten before adding anything, including a helpful example.
Answer it yourself too
Telling them the worst part of your own day, honestly and briefly, makes the exchange mutual. It also shows them what a real answer sounds like rather than a polite one.
Adjusting for age
Under about seven
Ask about the concrete and the recent: who, where, what happened next. Abstract questions about feelings tend to get whatever answer they think you want, so ask about events and let the feelings arrive in the story.
Roughly eight to eleven
Fairness, rules and friendship groups dominate, and this is the age when they will talk at length if you do not correct them. Resist supplying the moral at the end.
Teenagers
Expect shorter answers and a much stronger sense of privacy. Ask about their opinions rather than their day, keep the door open without pushing, and accept that a good conversation may happen once a fortnight rather than daily.
What shuts a child down
Turning the answer into a lesson
If every disclosure produces advice, a rule, or a story about when you were young, the disclosures stop. Sometimes the right response is only that it sounds hard.
Reacting hard to the first honest thing
The first time they tell you something genuinely uncomfortable is a test of what happens next. Keep your face still, ask one more question, and deal with your own reaction later.
Asking three questions at once
Stacked questions get answered in the easiest part, or in nothing at all. Ask one, wait, then ask about what they actually said rather than what you had planned to ask next.
Only asking when you are worried
If these questions only appear when something is wrong, they read as an investigation. The ordinary daily ones are what make the harder ones possible later.