Questions to Ask Your Daughter's Boyfriend
Questions for the first few times your daughter's boyfriend is in your house, written for a parent of a teenager or a young adult. They cover hospitality, the practical arrangements you need settled, and a few that tell you how he thinks, without turning the evening into an interview.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Have you eaten, and is there anything you don't eat?
Why ask it
The first thing you say should give him something to do and somewhere to stand. It also quietly establishes that he is a guest rather than a suspect, which is the whole tone of a first visit.
How did you two end up spending time together?
Why ask it
Easier for a nervous teenager than "how did you meet," which sounds like the start of a formal account. Watch whether he includes her in the telling or talks over her.
What do you two actually do when you hang out?
Why ask it
You are asking for the ordinary version, and the answer tells you where they spend their time and with whom. A completely blank answer usually means they spend it in cars or in other people's houses.
What's school or work like for you at the moment?
Why ask it
Deliberately not a question about grades or ambition. How he describes an ordinary week tells you whether he is coping, and it avoids putting him in the position of listing achievements for a parent.
Who's at home for you?
Why ask it
Better than asking what his parents do, which is a status question wearing a friendly hat. Answers here occasionally tell you that he has a complicated or unsafe home, which changes how you treat him entirely.
What do you do that has nothing to do with school?
Why ask it
A job, a sport, a game, a band, a younger sibling he looks after. This is where a shy teenager finally has something to say, and it is usually the first genuinely warm part of the conversation.
Do you drive, and what are the rules at your house about that?
Why ask it
A practical safety question that sounds like ordinary curiosity. Referring to his parents' rules also signals that rules exist here, without you having to lecture anybody.
What time do you need to be home?
Why ask it
Settles the evening's logistics and tells you whether his household has expectations at all. It is also an easy way to set your own without making a speech about them.
If plans change tonight, how will I hear about it?
Why ask it
Agree the mechanism, a text from either of them, before it matters. Asking him directly rather than only your daughter makes him part of the arrangement instead of the reason for it.
What's she like when I'm not around?
Why ask it
Asked lightly, this gets a genuinely useful answer, because he sees a version of her you do not. Affectionate detail is a good sign; anything mocking, even as a joke, is worth filing away.
What do you think she's good at?
Why ask it
A boy who has noticed something specific about her, beyond how she looks, is paying attention. Vagueness here is common at fifteen and more concerning at twenty.
What do the two of you disagree about?
Why ask it
Every couple has something, so a claim that they never disagree is either a performance or a sign that one of them always gives way. What he describes matters less than whether he can describe it calmly.
What did she tell you about me before you came over?
Why ask it
Usually funny, and quietly informative in two directions: you learn how your daughter describes you, and you see whether he will be honest when the honest answer is slightly awkward.
What's something you're good at that nobody notices?
Why ask it
Teenagers are asked about performance constantly and about competence almost never. This is the question that most often changes his posture for the rest of the visit.
Who do you go to when something goes wrong?
Why ask it
You are listening for whether there is anyone: a parent, a coach, a friend, a sibling. A boy whose only answer is your daughter is leaning on her more heavily than either of them realises.
What do you want to do when school finishes?
Why ask it
Keep it curious rather than evaluative, and accept "I don't know" as a perfectly reasonable answer at his age. The point is hearing how he thinks about the future, not auditing his plan.
Is there anything you'd want me to know about you?
Why ask it
Hands him control of his own introduction, which he will not have had from anyone else that evening. Some will say nothing; a few will tell you something important about their family or their health.
What would make coming here easier for you?
Why ask it
Small things make the difference: knowing where to sit, being told he can help himself to food, not being asked about his father. Nobody asks a teenage guest this, and it is remembered.
Is there anything you want to ask me?
Why ask it
Whether he asks anything at all, and what he asks, tells you how he handles adults. Questions about house rules or what you do for a living are both good signs.
Do you want a lift, or shall I let your parents know when you leave?
Why ask it
A closing offer rather than a question about him, and the practical end of the visit. It also establishes contact between households, which is worth having in place before you need it.
Handling the first visit
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
The first visit
Do not do it in the doorway
Standing in a hall being asked questions is the worst possible start. Give him a seat, food, or a task, and ask the first few questions while something else is happening.
Two or three questions, not twenty
Pick a couple of the light ones and one practical one, and leave the rest for other visits. A teenager who feels examined will simply avoid your house, and then you will see nothing at all.
Answer things about yourself too
Tell him what you do, what the house rules are, and something ordinary about your own week. Reciprocity is what turns questioning into conversation, at any age.
Take your daughter's lead on the pace
She will be watching you more closely than he is. If she looks tense, stop asking and start being a host; you can have any remaining questions answered another day.
What to watch rather than ask
- Whether she is the same person around him as she is around her friends, or noticeably quieter and more careful.
- How he responds to being told no about something small, which predicts a great deal more than his answers do.
- Whether he speaks about her to you with warmth, and whether he lets her finish her own sentences.
- Who decides things between them: where they go, who they see, how long they stay.
- How he treats anyone in the house with less standing than you, particularly younger siblings.
What to avoid
The intentions joke
Any version of asking about his intentions, or the shotgun line, is heard as a threat by a fifteen-year-old and as a joke at your daughter's expense by everyone else. It buys you nothing.
Anything about their physical relationship
That conversation is between you and your daughter, and asking him puts her in an impossible position. Raising it with him is also the fastest way to guarantee they stop coming to your house.
Comparing him to whoever came before
Mentioning her last boyfriend, favourably or otherwise, tells him he is being ranked and tells her you were keeping score. Leave the past out of it.
Debriefing her like a witness
After he leaves, one warm remark is enough. A run of questions about him teaches your daughter to tell you less about her relationship, which is the opposite of what you need.