Questions to Ask Your Future Son in Law
Questions for a parent getting to know the man their daughter is marrying, covering his family and work, how the two of them decide things and handle money, what he wants from you, and what he would rather you stayed out of.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How did the two of you meet, and how long before you knew?
Why ask it
An easy opening that he will enjoy answering, and the second half is the interesting part. Some men name a moment and some admit it crept up on them, and both are fine; what you learn is how reflective he is about it.
What do your parents do, and how often do you see them?
Why ask it
Frequency of contact tells you more than occupations do, because it predicts how much of your daughter's future calendar belongs to another family. It also flags an estrangement early, which is worth knowing gently rather than discovering at the wedding.
Which days of the year does your family expect everyone home for?
Why ask it
Sounds like small talk and is the opening of a negotiation that will run for decades. Some families hold one immovable date and treat missing it as an injury; others scatter and mind nothing. An answer that everyone is relaxed about it usually means the expectation has never yet been tested against a competing invitation.
What did you train in, and how did you end up doing what you do now?
Why ask it
The route is more revealing than the job. Careers are mostly accidental, and hearing how he responded to a setback or a lucky break tells you how he handles the unplanned.
What do the two of you do on an ordinary weekend?
Why ask it
The unstructured day shows whether they actually enjoy each other. Answers about routines, a shared project, or simply reading in the same room are more reassuring than a list of holidays.
What has she changed about how you see things?
Why ask it
You are asking whether he has been affected by her, which is different from whether he loves her. A specific answer, about money, family, or a habit he dropped, shows a relationship that has done some work.
What do the two of you disagree about?
Why ask it
A cheerful, specific answer is a good sign. Claiming they never disagree, after several years together, means either he is managing you or the disagreements are being absorbed by one of them silently.
Where do you want to live, and how settled is that?
Why ask it
This is the question most likely to affect how often you see your daughter, and it is easier to ask now than to react to later. Listen for whether a move is a shared plan or one person's assumption.
What does the wedding look like in your head, and who is paying for what?
Why ask it
Money and the guest list cause most wedding conflict, and the expectations are usually unspoken until they collide. Asking directly, early, is far less awkward than the conversation that happens after a deposit is paid.
Have the two of you talked about children, and where did you get to?
Why ask it
Ask about the conversation rather than his position, which keeps it from sounding like a demand for grandchildren. What matters is whether they have actually discussed it or are each assuming.
How do you handle money between you?
Why ask it
Practical and revealing about power. Listen for an arrangement they both chose rather than a default that follows whoever earns more, and for any sign that one of them does not know the full picture.
How do the two of you make big decisions?
Why ask it
You will learn whether there is a process or whether one person decides and the other adjusts. The example he reaches for, a move, a car, a job offer, usually shows who carried it.
What do you do when you are under real pressure, and who do you tell?
Why ask it
A man whose only outlet is your daughter puts the whole weight of his difficulties on her. A named friend, a brother, a habit that works, is a sign of a life with more than one load bearing wall.
What did you take from your parents' marriage that you want to keep or avoid?
Why ask it
People repeat or react against what they grew up with, mostly without noticing. Someone who has thought about it can describe both halves; someone who has not will default to the version he knows.
What has been the hardest stretch you two have had, and how did it end?
Why ask it
The ending is the answer. Every couple of a few years' standing has had a bad month, and how they got out of it tells you what they will do the next time, which there will be.
What do you need from us, and what would you rather we stayed out of?
Why ask it
Asking both halves at once makes the second answerable, and the second is the one that prevents years of quiet resentment. Take whatever he names seriously, because he is unlikely to raise it twice.
If something we did worried you, how would you want to raise it?
Why ask it
Sets up a channel before it is needed, which is the whole point of asking now. It also tells you whether he would come to you directly or send your daughter, which is worth knowing in advance.
What do you want your relationship with us to look like in ten years?
Why ask it
Gives him room to be generous and to be honest about how close he expects to be. Answers vary enormously by family culture, and a mismatch is much easier to accommodate once it has been said aloud.
What are we likely to get wrong about you?
Why ask it
Invites him to correct a first impression, and most men have one they are aware of: quietness read as coldness, jokes read as flippancy. It also signals that you expect to be wrong about things, which does more for the relationship than the answer does.
What do you want to know about us, or about her, that only we could tell you?
Why ask it
Ends by handing him the conversation. Someone who takes it up is showing he intends to belong to this family rather than merely marry into it.
Getting to know him without putting him on trial
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to set it up
One to one, doing something
A drive, a job in the garden, a walk to the shop. Sitting him down in the front room across from both parents produces short, careful answers from anyone.
Not all at once
Three or four questions over a year is a relationship. A single long session is an examination, and he will describe it that way to your daughter afterwards.
Answer everything you ask
Tell him how you met, what your first job was, what you got wrong early in your own marriage. Reciprocity is what turns questioning into conversation.
Do not compare him to anyone
Not to her previous partners, not to another child's spouse, not to yourself at his age. Comparisons get repeated back within the hour and remembered for years.
Questions to keep to yourself
- What he earns, put as a direct question. How they handle money between them covers the same ground without the summons to account for himself.
- Whether he intends to provide, which carries assumptions about their marriage that may not be theirs.
- Anything about their sex life or contraception, including jokes about grandchildren.
- Requests for reassurance that he will look after her, which position him as a guardian and her as a dependent.
- Anything he has clearly already declined to discuss, asked a second time in a different form.
Remember who the relationship is between
Your daughter has chosen him, and she will hear about this conversation. Anything that reads as vetting becomes a story she has to manage, and the parent who interrogates a partner tends to be the last one told when something is genuinely wrong. Your aim is to be someone he would come to. That is served by being interested and easy company far more than by being thorough.
If something genuinely concerns you
- Separate not liking him from thinking he treats her badly, and be honest with yourself about which it is.
- Say one specific thing you observed, to your daughter, once, without a conclusion attached.
- Do not present it as a condition of your support. Conditions do not prevent marriages, they only end candour.
- Keep inviting them both to ordinary things, because staying in contact is what leaves the door open.
- If your concern is about her safety rather than her happiness, take advice from a domestic abuse service rather than handling it inside the family.