Questions to Ask Your Future Son-in-Law
Questions to ask your future son-in-law, for when you are getting to know the guy who wants to marry your daughter, whether she is already wearing the ring or he has come to ask for your blessing first. They start with easy ones about how the couple met, his work and where he comes from, then move through his family, how the two of them argue and decide, money, work and where they will live, the proposal, the wedding, faith and children, and finish with what he wants from you and what he would rather you stayed out of. Nobody should put all of them to your daughter's prospective husband in one sitting, so pick a few for each visit, and the guide names five to start with. If it is your son he is marrying, change 'she' to 'he' and the questions hold.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
First Questions
How did the two of you meet, and when did you know it was serious?
Why ask it
You have heard your daughter's version, so the fun is in where his differs. Some men can name the evening and some say it crept up over a year, and either is a fine answer. He will relax once he sees you are enjoying the story and not checking it.
What is it about her that made you want to marry her?
Why ask it
The traditional father's question, why do you want to marry my daughter, turned so that he describes her instead of defending himself. Praise that would fit anyone, kind, beautiful, fun, is usually nerves talking. Give him a moment and he will often get to something only a person who knows her could say.
What do you do for work, and how did you end up in it?
Why ask it
A job title gives you one sentence, and the story of how he got there gives you ten minutes. A course he dropped, a layoff, an uncle who took him on: the way he tells the unplanned parts shows what he does when a plan falls through. A man who dislikes his job will usually brighten when you ask what he would rather be doing.
What are your parents like, and how often do you see them?
Why ask it
How often he sees them matters as much as how he describes them, since that is the share of the couple's year another family already counts on. If he says they are not in touch, or that one of them has died, say you are sorry and leave the rest for him to bring up another day.
What do you hope the next five years look like for the two of you?
Why ask it
Fathers used to ask a young man about his prospects. Asking for the couple's plan covers the same ground and shows you whether her work and her wishes are in the picture without your prompting. A vague answer is normal, so do not mark him down for the lack of a schedule.
How did you decide when and how to propose?
Why ask it
He has probably told this story before and tells it well, which makes it safe ground on a nervous first visit. Ask who was in on the secret and whether she saw it coming. If they decided together, or the families arranged the engagement and there was no single moment, ask how that conversation went instead.
Where did you grow up, and what was it like there?
Why ask it
An easy one for anybody, and it shows you what he thinks of as normal: a village where everyone knew his family, a city apartment, three countries before he was twelve. Ask what he missed when he left. That says more than a description of the place.
What do you do with a free afternoon that is entirely your own?
Why ask it
A hobby gives you something to ask about every time you see him, whether it is fishing, a band or a motorbike in pieces in a garage. If it is a thing you know nothing about, have him explain it. Ten minutes as the expert in the room relaxes him more than being told to make himself at home.
Who are your closest friends, and how far back do they go?
Why ask it
Friendships that have lasted since school or a first job show that he keeps people. You will be meeting these friends at the wedding, so learn two names now. If the only person he mentions is your daughter, let it pass for now and see whether friends turn up in his other stories.
His Family
Which days of the year does your family expect everyone home for?
Why ask it
It sounds like small talk, and it opens the question of where the couple will spend the big days for years to come. Some families hold one fixed date and feel a missed year keenly, and others scatter without minding. Tell him which days matter most to you while you are on the subject, so both calendars are known before anyone books travel.
Do you have brothers or sisters, and which of them are you closest to?
Why ask it
His brothers and sisters are the in-laws your daughter is likely to see most, and the one he is closest to will probably be at their table often. An only child may name a cousin or an old friend instead. Ask what that person does and where they live, so you have something to say when you meet at the wedding.
Who did the cooking and who paid the bills in the house you grew up in?
Why ask it
Whatever he watched as a boy is his starting picture of how a home runs, whether he means to copy it or to do the opposite. He will often go straight on to how he and your daughter divide things, which is the part you wanted. Do not comment on his parents' arrangement either way.
What did you learn from watching your parents together that you want to keep, and what would you do differently?
Why ask it
Wait until you know him before asking, because it invites him to criticize his own parents in front of hers. A man who has thought about it can usually give you one of each: the way his father phoned whenever he was running late, the way money was never talked about. If his parents split up or one of them raised him alone, the question still works, and he may have thought about it more than most.
How has your family taken to her?
Why ask it
She may have told you it is all going well because she did not want you to worry. A warm answer with a story attached, his grandmother teaching her a recipe, his father saving her the good chair, is the reassuring kind. Where there is friction, notice whether he says what he did about it or leaves it as something between her and his mother.
Is there anything we should know about your family before we meet them?
Why ask it
This saves both families an awkward first lunch. He can tell you about a recent death, parents who need separate tables, a father who is hard of hearing, or a greeting worth learning in another language. Asking it at all tells him you mean to make an effort with his people.
As a Couple
What do the two of you do on an ordinary weekend?
Why ask it
A weekend with nothing booked is what most of a marriage is made of, so the dull answer is the useful one: the market, the laundry, a show they are halfway through. Ask who usually decides what they do. It is a small preview of how bigger plans get made.
What has she changed about how you see things?
Why ask it
You are asking whether he has been affected by her, which is different from whether he loves her. A specific answer, about money, his family or a habit he dropped, shows he listens to her. Should he draw a blank, turn it round and ask what he thinks he has changed in her.
What does she do better than you?
Why ask it
Easy for a man who admires her and oddly hard for one who does not. Good answers are specific and a little rueful: she is better with money, braver in an argument, quicker to say sorry. Agree with him, then tell him what she was like at ten.
What does she need after a bad day, and how long did it take you to work that out?
Why ask it
You already know the answer, so this is one of the few places you can check his. Some people want an hour alone and some want to talk it through the moment they are in the door. If he has her right, tell him so, because hearing it from her parent counts for a lot.
What does each of you do on your own, without the other?
Why ask it
Notice whether her evening with friends is described as easily as his own time away. If he sounds as though he would like her to see less of her friends or of you, do not challenge it on the spot; keep it in mind and watch over the following months.
How do the two of you make big decisions?
Why ask it
The example he reaches for, a move, a car, a job offer, is worth more than any principle he states. In the telling you will hear whether they talked until both were content or one of them decided and the other adjusted.
What do the two of you disagree about?
Why ask it
A cheerful, specific answer is the good sign: the thermostat, how early to leave for the airport, whose family is louder. If he says they never disagree, he may only be being careful in front of you. Tell him something you and your own partner have argued about for years, then ask again.
When you do argue, what does it look like, and who comes back first?
Why ask it
Here is the question about temper in a form he can answer truthfully. Couples differ in volume, and noise is not the worry. Listen for whether both of them get to finish a sentence, and whether making peace always falls to the same person.
What has been the hardest stretch you two have had, and how did it end?
Why ask it
The ending is the part to listen to. A job lost, a year in different cities, an illness in one of the families: how they came through it is the best guide you will get to how they will handle the next one. If he says there has not been a hard stretch yet, believe him and move on.
What do you do when you are under real pressure, and who do you tell?
Why ask it
A man whose only outlet is your daughter puts the whole weight of his difficulties on her. A named friend, a brother, a long run that clears his head: any of these is a sign of a life with more than one load-bearing wall.
Money, Work and Home
How do you two share out the work of running a home?
Why ask it
Ask about last week, not about principles. The quick answer is that it is even, and the detail of who noticed the milk had run out and who booked the dentist tells you whether it is. If they do not share a home yet, ask what each expects, since families and faiths differ on this and they may not have compared notes.
Where do you want to live, and how settled is that?
Why ask it
This is the question most likely to affect how often you see your daughter, and it is easier to ask now than to react to later. Listen for whether a move is a shared plan or one person's assumption. When the answer is a long way from you, ask what would take them there before you say how you feel about it.
How do you handle money between you?
Why ask it
Joint account, separate accounts, or one pot for bills and the rest their own: what matters is that it is an arrangement they both chose. Listen for whether it was agreed or simply follows whoever earns more, and whether each of them could say what is in the accounts.
Which of you is the saver and which is the spender?
Why ask it
Lighter than asking about money head on, and he can answer it with a laugh. The useful part is the follow-up: what do they do when the saver and the spender want different things from the same paycheck?
Are there debts or other money commitments the two of you are planning around?
Why ask it
A student loan, a car payment or money sent to a parent every month is no mark against him, though each one shapes what the couple can afford. You are not after figures. What you want to hear is that she knows about all of it, and if he would rather not say, that is his right.
What are you working toward at work, and what would it ask of the two of you?
Why ask it
The price of an ambition is the part that concerns a family: a promotion that means nights away, four years of evening study, a business that swallows the savings. None of those is wrong if two people chose it. Ask what she is working toward as well, and what they would do if the two plans pulled in different directions.
What would the two of you do if one of you lost a job or could not work for a while?
Why ask it
The old question was whether he could provide, and this is the fair version because it applies to either of them. Few couples have a complete answer, and you are not marking one. Savings, cutting back, living on one income for a while: it is enough to hear that they have thought about it together.
Proposal to Marriage
Does she know you are talking to us, and how much have the two of you said about marriage?
Why ask it
The first thing to settle when her boyfriend comes to ask for her hand before he has asked her. Most couples have agreed on everything but the ring by then, and your part is to be pleased and keep a secret. If marriage has never come up between them, say kindly that the conversation with her comes before the one with you.
What made you want to come to us before you ask her?
Why ask it
One man comes because his own family did it that way, another because your daughter hinted you would like it, another because his faith or his culture expects it. Whichever it is, the reason shows where he thinks her parents belong in the couple's life. Thank him for coming before you ask anything harder, since for plenty of men this visit takes more nerve than the proposal itself.
How are you planning to ask her, and is there any part of it we can help with?
Why ask it
He may want her ring size, someone to take a photo from behind a hedge, or only your promise to be near a phone that evening. Offer the help and leave the plan alone, even where you would have done it differently. If he asks whether she would want a crowd or a quiet moment, answer that one fully.
What should we say, and not say, around her until you have asked?
Why ask it
A parent acting strangely gives a proposal away as easily as a careless word does. Agree who else may know, a sister, a grandparent or nobody, and for how long. If keeping it from her for more than a week or two would feel like lying to her, tell him, and he can bring the date forward.
Is there anything you were hoping we would say today, or worried we might?
Why ask it
A man asking for her hand has usually rehearsed your answer along with his own speech. He may be hoping for a plain yes or for advice, or dreading a question about money or about how short a time they have been together. Knowing which lets you give the welcome first and raise any real hesitation afterwards, as a request and never a condition, because the decision is your daughter's.
What kind of wedding do the two of you want, and what help would you like from us?
Why ask it
Customs on who pays for what differ between families and between countries, and each side guessing at the other's is a poor way to start. Say plainly what you can offer, as a sum or as a specific thing such as the flowers or the dinner the night before. Then let the couple decide the rest without conditions attached.
How is she holding up with the wedding planning, from where you sit?
Why ask it
He sees her at eleven at night, and you may get only the cheerful Sunday phone call. Asking for his reading treats him as the person who now knows her daily life best. If he says she is worn out by the planning, ask which job you could take off her list, and then do it without adding opinions.
Are you doing any kind of marriage preparation, and has anything in it surprised you?
Why ask it
Some faith communities ask couples to take a course before the ceremony, and some couples with no religious tie book a few sessions with a counselor. If they are doing either, the surprises are worth hearing about. If they are not, leave it there, because a suggestion from a future in-law sounds like a verdict on the relationship.
Does faith play a part in your life, and how do the two of you handle it where you differ?
Why ask it
Say what your own position is before he answers, so he is not guessing at the right one. Where two traditions meet, or a believer and a non-believer, the practical points are the ceremony, the holidays and how any children would be raised. A couple who have talked those through are often better placed than a couple who simply happen to agree.
What does your faith look like in an ordinary week?
Why ask it
For a family whose religion is the center of the home, a label such as Catholic, Muslim or Latter-day Saint says less than seven days do. He might describe Sunday meetings and a calling, prayers five times a day, a Friday night table, or a faith kept mostly at Christmas. Compare his week with your daughter's and not with your own, since theirs are the two that have to fit.
Have you given a stretch of your life to serving your church or community, and what did it teach you?
Why ask it
In a Latter-day Saint (LDS) family this is where a mission comes up, and the wording lets a man who did not serve, or who came home early, answer without it sounding like a confession. Elsewhere it may be a year of volunteering, military service or looking after a grandparent. Ask about the hardest week of it and you will hear how he behaves with nobody from home watching.
Is there a religious ceremony you both want, and will everyone in both families be able to be there?
Why ask it
Some ceremonies are open to anyone who is invited and some are not. A Latter-day Saint temple sealing, for one, is attended only by members who meet the church's requirements, so ask how it works at their temple and what they have in mind for relatives who will wait outside. If you are the one who cannot go in, say now what would make the day feel shared, such as a ring ceremony afterwards or a toast at the reception.
Have the two of you talked about children, and where did you get to?
Why ask it
Ask about the conversation and not his position, which keeps it from sounding like a demand for grandchildren. What matters is whether they have actually discussed it or are each assuming. An answer of no children, or not sure yet, deserves the same warm reception as a yes.
What does being a good husband mean to you?
Why ask it
It is the classic question from a bride's father and a wide one, so expect a pause. Respect and loyalty are where most answers start; ask who he has seen do it well, and you will get a grandfather, an older brother or a friend's dad and a far better answer. Have your own ready, including what you got wrong, because he may ask.
What do you think being married will change, and what will stay the same?
Why ask it
For a couple who already share a home, 'not much' is a truthful answer and a perfectly good one. For others it means a first shared address, a new country or a joint account. You are finding out whether he has pictured an ordinary Tuesday in the second year or only the wedding day.
What do you expect to find hardest about being married?
Why ask it
Engaged men are asked what they are looking forward to, so this one tends to get an unrehearsed reply. Less time to himself, her untidiness, living far from his own family: being able to name one is realism, not doubt. Tell him what you found hardest and how long it lasted.
You and Us
What would you be comfortable calling us?
Why ask it
Settle it together early, before he spends a year avoiding calling you anything. Mom and Dad come easily to some men, and for others those words belong to two people only, especially where a parent has died. Offer the versions you would be happy with, let him choose, and do not read anything into first names.
What have we done so far that made you feel welcome, and what made it harder?
Why ask it
The first half tells you what to keep doing, and it is often something small, such as remembering how he takes his coffee. The second half takes nerve to answer. Thank him for whatever he says and resist explaining why you did it.
Who in our family do you feel you know by now, and who is still a stranger?
Why ask it
He is marrying into brothers, sisters, grandparents and cousins as well as the two of you, and he may have met most of them only across a crowded room. Whoever he names as a stranger, arrange something small: a coffee with her brother, a seat beside her grandmother at the next meal. Skip the warning about which relative is difficult and let him form his own view.
What do you need from us, and what would you rather we stayed out of?
Why ask it
Asking both halves at once makes the second answerable, and the second is the one you most need to hear. Take whatever he names seriously, whether it is the guest list or advice on where to live, because he is unlikely to raise it twice.
How often would you like to see us, honestly?
Why ask it
Parents tend to assume the answer is as often as now, while the couple assume it is open to negotiation. A weekly dinner is a pleasure to one son-in-law and an obligation to another. Tell him a smaller number will not be held against him, or you will be given the polite answer.
If something we did bothered you, how would you want to raise it?
Why ask it
Better agreed now, while nothing is wrong, than worked out in the middle of the first real disagreement. His answer tells you whether he would come to you himself or send word through your daughter. Promise him you will hear it without taking offense, and mean it.
What would you like to do with us that we have not done yet?
Why ask it
Shared history with a son-in-law starts from nothing and has to be built on purpose. It might be a ball game, a fishing trip, or cooking a dish from his family's kitchen in yours. Let him choose and then fix a date, since an invitation with no date is only a pleasant remark.
If there are children one day, what part would you hope we played?
Why ask it
Put as a hypothetical it carries no pressure to produce grandchildren, though skip it if they have said children are not the plan. Some couples hope for regular childcare and some for visits by arrangement. Whichever he describes, bedtimes and treats will be for the two of them to decide.
Is there anything about your life before her that you would like us to hear from you first?
Why ask it
An earlier marriage, a child, a debt, a bad couple of years: families tend to find these things out in the end, and it is kinder to let him tell it his own way. Ask once, in private, and only when the two of you already get along. Whatever he says, assume your daughter knows, thank him, and do not pass it around the family.
What are we likely to get wrong about you?
Why ask it
Most people know the first impression they give: quietness read as coldness, jokes read as not taking things seriously. Here he gets to correct it before it sets. Asking also tells him you expect to be wrong about some things, which may do more good than the answer itself.
What do you want to know about us, or about her, that only we could tell you?
Why ask it
A good one to finish on, because it hands him the questions. He may ask what she was like at fifteen, how the two of you met, or why the family moved; answer fully, with the photo album if there is one. The offer stands if he has nothing to ask yet, and you can say so.
Getting to know him without putting him on trial
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to set it up
One to one, doing something
A drive, a job in the yard, a walk to the store. Sitting him down in the living room across from both parents produces short, careful answers from anyone.
Not all at once
Three or four questions a visit, spread over a year of visits, is a relationship. A single long session is an examination, and he will describe it that way to your daughter afterwards.
Pick for the visit you are having
The list is long so that you can choose from it, not so that you can finish it. First Questions and His Family suit the early visits. As a Couple and Proposal to Marriage belong once you know him a little, though the first five in Proposal to Marriage are for a man who has not asked her yet, and you can skip them once he has. In Money, Work and Home, the questions about accounts and debts are best left until he or your daughter has brought up money first. You and Us works at any stage, and the answers change, so ask some of those again a year after the wedding.
Answer everything you ask
Tell him how you met, what your first job was, what you got wrong early in your own marriage. Trading answers is what turns questioning into conversation.
Do not compare him to anyone
Not to her previous partners, not to another child's spouse, not to yourself at his age. A comparison tends to be repeated to your daughter the same day and remembered much longer.
Five questions to ask your future son-in-law first
If one conversation is all you get before the wedding, ask how they met, what made him want to marry her, what the next five years look like, what an argument between them looks like and what he needs from you. Together those give you the story, his reason, the plan, the hard days and your own part in it. The longer list that follows adds his parents, money, where they will live, children and faith.
If you only ask ten
- How did the two of you meet, and when did you know it was serious?
- What is it about her that made you want to marry her?
- What are your parents like, and how often do you see them?
- What do you hope the next five years look like for the two of you?
- When you do argue, what does it look like, and who comes back first?
- How do you handle money between you?
- Where do you want to live, and how settled is that?
- Have the two of you talked about children, and where did you get to?
- Does faith play a part in your life, and how do the two of you handle it where you differ?
- What do you need from us, and what would you rather we stayed out of?
When your daughter's boyfriend asks for her hand in marriage
A boyfriend who comes to you before he proposes is having a shorter conversation than a man she is already engaged to, and a different one. Begin with the first five questions in Proposal to Marriage: whether she knows he is there, why he came to you, how he plans to ask, what you should keep quiet and what he was hoping to hear. Give him your answer before he leaves, and if it is yes, say it early so he can stop bracing for it. Then go back to First Questions and let everything else wait for later visits. What you are giving is a welcome into the family, because the choice of husband is hers.
If yours is a Latter-day Saint (LDS) family
Three questions in Proposal to Marriage were written for parents whose faith is at the center of the home, and they need no changing for a Latter-day Saint one: the question about an ordinary week, the one about service, which is where a mission comes up, and the one about who can be at the ceremony, which is where the temple does. Ask about a mission and a sealing as experiences and plans, not as qualifications he has to show you. A future son-in-law who did not serve, who is newly baptized or who is not a member will hear the difference, and so will your daughter.
Questions to keep to yourself
- What he earns, put as a direct question. How they handle money between them covers the same ground without the summons to account for himself.
- Whether he intends to provide, which carries assumptions about their marriage that may not be theirs.
- Anything about their private life as a couple, including jokes about when the grandchildren are coming.
- Requests for reassurance that he will look after her, which cast him as a guardian and her as a dependent.
- Anything he has clearly already declined to discuss, asked a second time in a different form.
Remember who the relationship is between
Your daughter has chosen him, and she will hear about this conversation. Anything that reads as vetting becomes a story she has to manage, and a parent who interrogates a partner risks being the last one told when something is really wrong. Your aim is to be someone he would come to. Being interested and easy company does more for that than being thorough.
If something worries you
- Separate not liking him from thinking he treats her badly, and be honest with yourself about which it is.
- Say one specific thing you observed, to your daughter, once, without a conclusion attached.
- Do not make it a condition of your support. A condition rarely stops a wedding, and it can stop her telling you things.
- Keep inviting them both to ordinary things, because staying in contact is what leaves the door open.
- If your concern is about her safety and not only her happiness, get advice from a domestic abuse helpline or service where you live before you try to handle it inside the family.