Questions to Ask Your Grandchildren
Twenty questions grandparents can use with grandchildren from about five up into the teenage years, arranged from easy openers to the ones that take a little trust. Each includes a note on what the answer usually tells you and how to adjust for age.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What was the best thing that happened today?
Why ask it
Better than "how was your day," which children answer with one word out of habit. Asking for a single best thing gives them a small, findable target, and whatever they pick is a fair guide to what currently counts as a good day for them.
What's the funniest thing that's happened this week?
Why ask it
Humor is the cheapest way in. You will usually get a story with names in it, which hands you the cast of their daily life without having to ask who everyone is.
Who do you sit with at lunch?
Why ask it
The most reliable read on how school is actually going. Long lists mean a settled group, one name means a close friend, and hesitation or a change of subject often means lunch is currently the hardest part of the day.
What are you better at now than you were last year?
Why ask it
This asks for progress rather than achievement, so children who do not win things can still answer. Notice whether they name something adults praise or something they picked for themselves.
What could you teach me?
Why ask it
Reverses the usual direction of the relationship, which most children enjoy far more than being asked about school. Then actually let them teach you, badly and slowly, and let them correct you.
What do you think I was like when I was your age?
Why ask it
Their guess reveals what they think you are, which is often stern, breakable, or from a black-and-white world. Correcting the picture with one true story does more for closeness than any question on this list.
What's something everyone else likes that you don't?
Why ask it
Children rarely get asked to disagree with the crowd, and it is a relief to be allowed to. The answer also shows how much pressure they feel to match the people around them.
If a Saturday turned up with nothing planned, what would you do with it?
Why ask it
Their real interests, as opposed to their scheduled activities. Parents often cannot answer this about their own children, and it makes for the best presents you will ever buy.
When something goes wrong, which grown-up do you go to?
Why ask it
Ask it plainly and without hoping to be named. What you learn is where they feel safe, and if the answer is nobody, that is worth knowing quietly rather than reacting to.
What's a rule at home you think is fair, and one you think isn't?
Why ask it
Splitting it in two keeps this from becoming an invitation to complain about their parents. The fair rule shows they can reason about limits. Take the unfair one seriously without promising to overturn it.
If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?
Why ask it
Far more productive than asking what their favorite subject is. Answers tend to be about the parts adults have forgotten: noise, timing, being watched, having nowhere to sit.
What do you wish adults would stop saying to you?
Why ask it
Nearly every child has an answer ready. Expect to hear one of your own phrases, and take the correction cheerfully. Doing so buys you a great deal of future honesty.
What's the hardest part about being your age right now?
Why ask it
The phrase "right now" matters, because it lets them describe a passing difficulty rather than a permanent one. Resist telling them how easy their age is. That comparison ends the conversation instantly.
Is there anything you think about when you're trying to fall asleep?
Why ask it
Bedtime worries are usually more specific and smaller than adults assume: a test, a friendship, a noise, someone dying. Ask this somewhere calm and be ready to just listen rather than solve it.
What's something you did that nobody noticed?
Why ask it
Almost everyone is carrying an uncredited effort. A child who names one has just told you where they feel overlooked, and noticing it now costs you nothing and lasts for years.
Who in the family do you think you're most like?
Why ask it
Their answer tells you which relatives they have been compared to and how they feel about it. Watch whether they mention a resemblance that was clearly given to them by someone else.
What do you want to ask me about when I was young?
Why ask it
Handing over the questioning gets you the parts of your life they are actually curious about, which is rarely the parts you would have chosen to tell. Answer honestly, including the unflattering bits.
What do you want to be good at by the time you're twenty?
Why ask it
A kinder version of asking what they will be when they grow up, because a skill is achievable and a career is a guess. Older children answer this more openly than younger ones.
If we did one thing together every month, what should it be?
Why ask it
Turns a nice conversation into a standing arrangement, which is what children remember about grandparents. Only ask it if you intend to follow through, because they will hold you to it.
What do you want me to remember about you?
Why ask it
Odd and slightly formal, and children of about nine and up tend to give a surprisingly considered answer. It works because it assumes they are worth remembering, which is the whole point of the conversation.
Talking with grandchildren at different ages
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Adjusting for age
Roughly five to seven
Keep it to one thing at a time and expect answers to be about the last hour, not the last week. Play alongside the conversation rather than sitting opposite them.
- "What was the best bit of today?"
- "What are you good at?"
- "Show me how you do that."
Roughly eight to twelve
This is the easiest age for the full list. They can hold an opinion, enjoy being asked for one, and will still volunteer detail without being coaxed.
- "What's a rule you think isn't fair?"
- "Who do you sit with at lunch?"
- "What could you teach me?"
Thirteen and up
Teenagers dislike being interviewed and answer best sideways, in a car, on a walk, while cooking. Ask one question, accept whatever you get, and do not immediately ask another.
- "What's the hardest part of being your age at the moment?"
- "What do you wish adults would stop saying?"
- "What are you into that I know nothing about?"
Things that reliably close a child down
- Grades and marks as the opening question. It tells them the relationship has a performance element.
- "When I was your age" followed by anything. Even when true it lands as a correction of their experience.
- Comparing them to a sibling or a cousin, including favorably. The one being praised hears it too.
- Repeating what they told you to their parents. Once that gets back to them, the honest answers stop for good.
- Filling silence. Children take longer than adults to assemble an answer, and the pause is usually them thinking, not stalling.
When something worrying comes up
- Stay level. A grandparent visibly alarmed is a grandparent the child protects by saying less next time.
- Ask how long it has been going on and who else knows. Those two answers determine what happens next.
- Do not promise to keep a secret you cannot keep. Say instead that you will tell them before you tell anyone else.
- If it needs a parent, bring it to them as information rather than as an accusation about their parenting.
At a distance
- Ask one question per call, not five. Long calls with young children fail on attention, not on affection.
- Give them something to show you. Children talk far more freely while holding an object or a drawing up to the camera.
- Try the same question by post. Written answers from a child of eight or nine are often longer and more thoughtful than spoken ones.
- Keep a note of what they told you last time and open with it. Being remembered between calls is the whole trick.