Questions to Ask Your Grandma
Twenty questions for getting your grandmother's own account of her life rather than the summary version: the house she grew up in, her first work, how she met your grandfather, what your parent was like, and the parts nobody has thought to ask about. Includes notes on recording her answers.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What's the first house you remember, and what was in the kitchen?
Why ask it
"What was your childhood like" gets you "it was fine." A room gets you an hour. Kitchens in particular carry the whole domestic arrangement: who cooked, what there was, what was rationed or scarce, who was allowed to sit where.
What did your mother do all day?
Why ask it
This is where family history actually lives, and it is the generation about to be lost. Ask about work, laundry, money, church, other people's children. Answers often surprise the person giving them.
What was the first work you were paid for, and what did you spend the money on?
Why ask it
The purchase dates the era better than the job does. It also opens the question of whether her wages were hers or went into the household, which was not a small matter for many women of her generation.
What did you get in trouble for at school?
Why ask it
Asking about misbehavior rather than subjects gets you a character rather than a curriculum. Most grandmothers have a story here they have not told the family, partly because nobody imagined it existed.
Who was the first person you really liked, and how did that go?
Why ask it
Set before your grandfather deliberately, because it usually gets the more candid answer. If there was someone else who mattered, this is the question that lets her mention him without it feeling disloyal.
How did you and Grandpa meet, and what did you make of him at first?
Why ask it
The second half saves this from the standard family anecdote everyone has already heard. First impressions are frequently unflattering, and that is where the real story starts.
What do you remember about your wedding day that isn't in the photographs?
Why ask it
Photographs have flattened most of this into a caption. Asking for what falls outside the frame turns up the weather, the argument, the dress being borrowed, who did not come and why.
Which recipe should we cook together so I actually learn it?
Why ask it
Recipes written down from memory usually skip the steps that matter, because she does them without thinking. Standing next to her is the only reliable way to capture it, and it gives the visit something to do.
Who was your closest friend, and what became of her?
Why ask it
Friendships get left out of family histories entirely, though they often shaped her more than relatives did. Be prepared for the answer to involve a death, and to slow down when it does.
What was the first week like after my parent was born?
Why ask it
Specific enough to produce detail rather than sentiment: who helped, where she was, whether she was frightened. It also gives you a picture of the support women of her generation did or did not get.
What was my parent like as a teenager?
Why ask it
One of the few questions where she holds information nobody else has. Expect it to complicate the story your parent tells about themselves, which is part of why it is worth asking while she is here to ask.
What did you and your parents argue about?
Why ask it
Conflicts date a family more precisely than affection does: money, church, curfews, who she was seeing, whether she could keep working. It also tends to explain rules she later applied to your parent.
Was there something expected of you at twenty that you resented?
Why ask it
Gives her permission to be critical of her own era rather than nostalgic about it. Some grandmothers will say nothing was expected and mean it. Others have been waiting decades for someone to ask.
What was the hardest year you remember, and what got you through it?
Why ask it
Ask once, then leave the silence alone. If she names the year but not the details, take the year and stop. What she credits for getting through, faith, a sister, work, saying nothing, tells you how she still copes.
Was there something you wanted to do and never got to?
Why ask it
Often a job, a country, or an education. Listen to how she holds it, because the difference between a settled regret and a live one changes what you should say next. Sympathy is safer here than encouragement.
What's something you did that would surprise us?
Why ask it
Grandmothers get filed as grandmothers, and this question quietly objects to that. It works best after an hour of easier ones, and often produces the story the family repeats for the next thirty years.
Who in the family were you closest to, and who did you keep at a distance?
Why ask it
The second half explains gaps you may have noticed: the relative nobody visits, the branch that stopped coming to weddings. Ask for the reason, not just the name, and do not carry the answer back to whoever it concerns.
What do you miss that doesn't exist anymore?
Why ask it
Broader than nostalgia for objects. Answers range from shops and radio programs to a way of dropping in on neighbors unannounced. It also gives her a chance to be genuinely mournful, which visits often do not allow.
What would you like us to keep doing after you're not here?
Why ask it
Plainer than asking how she wants to be remembered, and it produces something the family can act on: a dish at Christmas, a grave visited, two cousins kept in touch. Ask it calmly and write the answer down.
Who else should I be asking about the family?
Why ask it
The practical closer. She knows which aunt kept the photographs and which cousin remembers the village, and those people are on the same clock she is. Get names and, if you can, telephone numbers.
Getting the stories down while you can
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Recording her, properly
- Ask first, in plain words, and tell her it is for the family. Recording someone without saying so damages the trust the conversation depends on.
- The voice recorder on a phone is enough. Put it on the table between you, screen down, and then ignore it.
- Say the date and who is present at the start of the recording. In twenty years nobody will know otherwise.
- Video is worth it for the hands and the face, but it makes many people self-conscious. Audio first, video later if she is comfortable.
- Copy the file somewhere else the same day. Recordings lost with a broken phone are the commonest regret in this whole undertaking.
Pacing the conversation
- Forty-five minutes is usually the limit, less if she tires. Several short conversations produce far more than one long one.
- Sit where she can see your face and turn off any background noise. Hearing difficulty gets mistaken for confusion constantly.
- Let a repeated story run. The version told for the fifth time often has a new detail in it, and interrupting to say you know it already stops the whole flow.
- Follow her digressions rather than pulling her back to your list. The thing she wanders into is usually more interesting than what you asked.
- Keep photographs nearby. Handing someone a photograph unlocks names and dates that direct questions do not.
When a question lands badly
- If she says she would rather not, accept it in one sentence and move to something easy. Do not return to it later the same day.
- Tears are not a reason to stop unless she wants to stop. Ask her directly whether to carry on.
- Do not correct her account against what your parent has told you. Two versions of a family event are normal, and hers is the one you are collecting.
- Take out anything she asks you to take out, and say so plainly. Being able to remove a passage is what makes people willing to speak freely.
Afterwards
- Write down names, places and dates while they are fresh, separately from the recording. Spellings of village and family names are the hardest thing to recover later.
- Send her something back: a photo of the recipe you made, a typed page of one story. It makes the next conversation easier to arrange.
- Share the recordings with cousins and siblings rather than keeping them. Somebody else will want them badly at some point.
- If she is frail, prioritize. The questions only she can answer, about her own parents and your parent's childhood, come first. Preferences and favorites can wait.