Questions to Ask Your Grandma
Questions to ask your grandma when you want her own account of her life and not the summary version: the town she was born in, what her mother did all day, how she met your grandfather, what your mom or dad was like as a teenager, the recipes, songs and sayings only she still has, and what she hopes for you. The 62 questions run in six groups from her girlhood to now. Each has a note on why to ask it, what to ask next or when to leave it alone, and the guide covers choosing a few, recording her and what to do when a question lands badly.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Growing up
Where were you born, and what was the town like back then?
Why ask it
Begin with the facts a family tree needs: the place, the year, whether it was a hospital or the back bedroom. Then let "back then" do its work, because she will describe a town that no longer looks that way. Ask her to spell the place name while you have her.
What's the first house you remember, and what was in the kitchen?
Why ask it
Asked what her childhood was like, she will probably say it was fine. Asked about one room, she has to walk back into it. The kitchen holds the most: who cooked, on what, what was scarce, and who was allowed to sit where.
What were you like when you were my age?
Why ask it
It works whether you are nine or forty, because she has to answer against a real person sitting across from her. Tell her what your own week looks like first. At your age she may already have been working, married, or minding younger children.
What did your mother do all day?
Why ask it
Her mother is the person in this story whom almost nobody else alive can describe. "All day" asks for the hours and not a character sketch: when she got up, the washing, any paid work, who was fed first. Find out what she did once the work was finished, if it ever was.
What did you do for fun when you were a girl, and who with?
Why ask it
Expect things that cost nothing: the river, a jump rope, a dance, a radio serial the whole street followed. The "who with" is where the names come from, and a name is something you can ask about again on the next visit.
What's the very first thing you can remember?
Why ask it
An earliest memory is often one image with no story attached: a pattern on a floor, being lifted up, a dog. Do not press for more than she has. Her guess at how old she was, and who else is in the picture, is enough to place it.
Did you have a pet, or animals you had to look after?
Why ask it
Easy for a young grandchild to ask, and the answer tends to come with a name and a piece of mischief. Where the family kept hens or a cow, the animals were work and not pets, so notice which she means. If she was never allowed one, find out what she begged for.
What chores did you have as a girl, and which one did you dodge?
Why ask it
Her chores show how the house ran: water to carry, a stove to light, younger children to mind, a shop counter after school. Compare her list with what her brothers were given, because that split is sometimes the first thing a girl noticed was unfair. The one she dodged is where the story is.
What was school like for you, and what did you get in trouble for?
Why ask it
The first half covers the facts: how far she walked, how many children shared the room, the age she left and why. The second half gets you a person instead of a timetable. If she left early to work or to help at home, ask whether she minded, and do not assume she did.
What was your father like when he came home at the end of the day?
Why ask it
A father often gets remembered as a job and a temper. The moment he came through the door says more: whether the house went quiet or livened up, and where he sat. If he was away, or died early, she will say so, and how far to go from there is hers to decide.
Were you the oldest, the youngest or somewhere in the middle, and what did that mean for you?
Why ask it
In a big family the order could decide a lot: the oldest girl often raised the little ones, and the youngest sometimes got the schooling the others went without. Take the names down in order, including any child who died young, since those are the ones family trees lose. If she was an only child, ask who she played with instead.
What did you dream of becoming when you were a girl?
Why ask it
Keep this one about the girl, not the regret, which has its own question further down. Children's ambitions come from what they can see: the teacher, the woman who ran the shop, somebody in a film. Ask who she was copying.
What did you wear on an ordinary day, and what was saved for special occasions?
Why ask it
Clothes bring back detail that little else does: hand-me-downs from a cousin, a mother who sewed everything, one pair of shoes that had to last the year. Put an old photograph in front of her and she can often tell you the color of a dress that prints as gray.
What did you and your parents argue about?
Why ask it
The arguments place a family in its time: money, church, curfews, who she was seeing, whether she could stay on at school. They also tend to explain the rules she later set for her own children.
Which of your own grandmothers did you know, and what do you remember of her?
Why ask it
That woman is your great-great-grandmother, and your grandma may be the last person living who heard her speak. A fragment is enough: an apron, a language, the way she pinned her hair. Ask for her full name, and the name she had before she married.
Love and marriage
Who was the first person you really liked, and how did that go?
Why ask it
Ask this before anything about your grandfather, while the subject is still light. She gets to tell a story about being young and foolish, and if there was someone before him who mattered, she can mention him without it sounding disloyal. Leave it for another day if other relatives are listening.
How did you and Grandpa meet, and what did you make of him at first?
Why ask it
You have probably heard the meeting told as a set piece. Her first opinion of him is the part that gets left out, and it is often unflattering. Follow it with what changed her mind.
When did you know you would marry Grandpa, and did he actually propose?
Why ask it
Not every couple had a proposal scene. It may have been settled over months of courting, or between the two families, or in a hurry because he was being sent away. If there was a ring, ask where it came from and who has it now.
What do you remember about your wedding day that isn't in the photographs?
Why ask it
The photographs have turned the day into a caption. Asking for what falls outside the frame turns up the weather, the argument, the borrowed dress, who did not come and why.
What was the first place the two of you lived, and what did you do without?
Why ask it
People tend to remember a first married home in sharp detail: borrowed chairs, a mother-in-law through the wall, a bathroom shared with the neighbors. What she lists as done without shows you what counted as hardship then and what was simply how everyone lived.
What did you learn about being married that nobody told you beforehand?
Why ask it
Asking for the secret of a long marriage gets you a slogan. This gets one specific thing, often money, his mother, or how long a silence can last. If the marriage was unhappy or it ended, she can answer truthfully here without having to announce that.
What was Grandpa like before any of us knew him?
Why ask it
You know the old man, or only the photograph on the shelf, and she knew him at twenty-five: shy or vain, a good dancer or a hopeless one. If he has died, do not steer around this question. A widow can find that people stop saying his name, and she may be glad that you did.
Mother and grandmother
What was the first week like after my mom or dad was born?
Why ask it
A week is small enough to remember in detail: where she gave birth, who came to help, how soon she was back at the stove. Whether she was frightened is worth asking outright. She may never have been asked how it was for her, only how the baby was.
How did you pick the name you gave my mom or dad?
Why ask it
A name is often after somebody, and that somebody is a lead worth following. If it was a compromise, find out what she wanted and who overruled her. The middle name deserves the same question, because in some families that is where a mother's maiden name is kept.
What was a normal day like when your children were small?
Why ask it
Have her start from the time she got up and go hour by hour. You will hear how much of the day went on washing, cooking and fetching, and whether she had paid work on top of it. Ask who she could leave the children with, because that answer maps her whole neighborhood.
What kept you awake at night when your children were growing up?
Why ask it
A mother's worries belong to her time: an illness children are now vaccinated against, a wage that did not reach Friday, a child the school had written off. She may admit here that she was never sure she was doing it right, which is worth hearing if you have children or plan to.
What did you do differently from your own mother, on purpose?
Why ask it
One answer covers three generations of women. It might be spanking, or praise, or letting a daughter stay in school. Afterwards, ask whether she thinks her own children did the same to her, and be ready for her to laugh.
What was my mom or dad like as a teenager?
Why ask it
Ask for one scene and not a verdict: the slammed door, the friend she did not trust, the night somebody came home very late. She saw those years from the other side of that door, so her version will not match the one you grew up hearing. Do not use it as ammunition at home.
What was I like as a small child, before I can remember?
Why ask it
She watched you without the tiredness your parents had, so she noticed different things: what made you laugh, what you refused to eat, who you ran to. Children like hearing this as much as adults do. If she kept a drawing or a card you made, this is when it comes out of the drawer.
Where were you when you heard I had been born?
Why ask it
You get your own first day from an angle your parents cannot give you: the telephone call, the drive, who she told first. Small children love asking it, and it is a kind place to begin with a grandmother who is shy about talking about herself.
Is being a grandmother different from being a mother?
Why ask it
She will probably say it is easier. The reasons are the interesting part, because they show what she found hard the first time around. Listen for what she lets you get away with that her own children never could.
Who decided we would call you Grandma?
Why ask it
Swap in the name your family uses: Nana, Gran, Oma, Mimi. Some women choose it, some inherit it from their own grandmother, and some are stuck with whatever the first grandchild could pronounce. It suits a young child asking, and the answer tends to arrive with a story about that first grandchild.
Which memory of the two of us is your favorite?
Why ask it
Offer yours first if she hesitates. Hers is often something you had forgotten or thought was nothing, an afternoon shelling peas or a bus ride into town. It tells you what she would like more of, so treat the answer as an invitation.
Work and the world
What was the first work you were paid for, and what did you spend the money on?
Why ask it
The purchase places the year better than the job does: stockings, a record, the bus fare home. It also opens the matter of whether her wages were her own or went straight to her mother. If she never had a paid job, ask about the work she did that nobody paid for.
What music did you love as a young woman, and where did you hear it?
Why ask it
Find the song on your phone and play it before she has finished answering. A tune can bring back what a question does not, and she may sing along to words she has not thought about in decades. A dance hall, a brother's records and a radio in the kitchen each lead to a different story.
What could women not do when you were young that I take for granted?
Why ask it
The answer depends on where and when she lived, so ask what was true for her and do not assume. It might be keeping a job after the wedding, signing for a loan, or wearing pants to work. Ask which rule she minded most, and which she never noticed until it was gone.
How did you make the household money stretch?
Why ask it
Thrift was a skill with its own methods: a roast that fed three days, collars turned, a vegetable patch, an envelope for each bill. Some of her habits may suddenly make sense, like the saved string or the drawer of folded paper bags. Ask who held the purse in that house.
Which invention made the biggest difference to your everyday life?
Why ask it
Put this way you hear about the washing machine, the telephone or the refrigerator, not a speech about the internet. Have her walk you through the chore as it was done before, step by step. Wash day alone can fill ten minutes of a recording.
What piece of history did you see with your own eyes?
Why ask it
Not the event she read about in the paper, but the one she stood in: a ration line, a flood, a parade, soldiers leaving from the station. Local events often make better stories than famous ones. Get her age at the time, so the family can date it later.
What trip do you remember best, and how did you get there?
Why ask it
It may be a honeymoon two towns over, a boat to a new country, or the one time she saw the sea. How she got there is half of it: a train with a packed lunch, a borrowed car, a week on a ship. If she emigrated, this is really a question about leaving, so give it room.
Who was your closest friend, and what became of her?
Why ask it
Friends rarely make it into a family history, though she may have told this woman things she never told a sister. Find out how they met and what they got up to. The second half can end in a death or a falling-out, so slow down when you reach it.
Family keepsakes
Which recipe should we cook together so I actually learn it?
Why ask it
A recipe written down from memory tends to skip the steps that matter, because she does them without thinking. Stand next to her, measure her handfuls before they go into the bowl, and note what the dough should feel like. It also gives a visit something to do besides talk.
Which holiday was the big one in your house when you were small, and what was on the table?
Why ask it
Leave the holiday open, because the big day in her childhood house may not be the one your family keeps now. The menu and who sat where come back easily. Notice which parts have survived into your own celebrations and tell her, since she may not know.
Who are the people in your oldest photographs?
Why ask it
A photograph with no names attached is a picture of strangers one generation later. Number the pictures and write the names on a sheet as she says them, or photograph each one with the recorder running. Expect this to take more than one visit.
What do you own that came from your mother or grandmother?
Why ask it
A ring, a tablecloth, a mixing bowl with a chip in it. The history of an object is almost never written down, and she may be the only one who knows it. Make clear you are asking for the story and not the thing, especially if cousins might hear about it.
What songs or rhymes did you sing to your children?
Why ask it
Lullabies and nonsense rhymes travel by mouth and can vanish in one generation that does not sing them. Have her sing it, record it, and do not fuss about the quality. If the words are in another language, get someone to write them down while she can still check them.
What did your mother always say that you now catch yourself saying?
Why ask it
Most families have their sayings, warnings and private words for things, and you may recognize this one from your own mom or dad. Write it down exactly as she says it, dialect and all. Then find out what it meant when it was said to her.
Which relative do I take after, in looks or in temper?
Why ask it
She has known more of this family than almost anyone you can ask. You may get a great-aunt you have never heard of, along with a story about her. "Temper" earns its place in the question: it invites the unflattering comparison as well as the fond one.
Looking back
What was the hardest year you remember, and what got you through it?
Why ask it
Ask once, then leave the silence alone. If she names the year but not the details, take the year and stop. What she credits for getting through, faith, a sister, work, saying nothing, tells you how she still copes.
Was there something you wanted to do and never got to?
Why ask it
It is often a job, a country or more schooling. Listen to how she tells it: a regret she has made peace with wants a nod, and one that still stings wants you to stay quiet a moment. Telling her it is not too late rarely helps, unless you are offering to make it happen.
What's something you did that would surprise us?
Why ask it
She was a girl, a worker and somebody's sweetheart long before she was anyone's grandmother, and this asks for proof. Hold it until she is warmed up and enjoying herself. If she only smiles and says "plenty," offer a guess and let her correct you.
Who in the family were you closest to, and who did you keep at a distance?
Why ask it
The second half can explain gaps you may have noticed: the relative nobody visits, the branch that stopped coming to weddings. Ask for the reason, not just the name, and do not carry the answer back to whoever it concerns.
What do you miss that doesn't exist anymore?
Why ask it
Answers run from a shop or a radio program to the habit of dropping in on neighbors unannounced. Let her be sad about it if she is. A visit is usually kept cheerful for her sake, and she may welcome five minutes where it does not have to be.
When in your life were you happiest?
Why ask it
Short on purpose, so that she picks the scale: a decade, a summer, a single afternoon. The answer is often a stretch nobody would guess, such as the years before the children came or the job she took after they left. Do not mind if it was before you existed.
Of everything you have done, what are you proudest of?
Why ask it
She will very likely say her children and grandchildren, and mean it. Take that, then ask for one thing that was hers alone: a certificate, a garden, a debt cleared, a shop she kept going. She may never have been asked to claim anything for herself.
Has your faith changed over the years?
Why ask it
For some grandmothers religion framed every week of their lives, and others left it quietly without telling anyone. Begin with practice, where she went and who took her, and belief will follow if she wants it to. If she has no faith, ask what she leans on instead, and do not debate her either way.
What do you know now that you wish you had known at my age?
Why ask it
"Any advice for me?" tends to produce a proverb. Tying it to your age sends her back to a particular year, and the lesson usually comes with the story of how she learned it. You asked, so take it without arguing, even where the world has changed since.
What does a good day look like for you now?
Why ask it
Nothing in this one is about the past. Her answer shows what she still enjoys, which you could join in with, and what has become hard, like the stairs or the long evenings. If she says the days are lonely, take it seriously and come more often.
What do you hope my life has in it?
Why ask it
A grandmother's hopes are often less about grades and salaries than a parent's are. She may name something modest, like good neighbors or work you do not dread. Keep it in her exact words, because it is the kind of sentence a family reads out years afterwards.
Is there somewhere you'd like to go, or someone you'd like to see, that I could help with?
Why ask it
The answer is often small: a grave, the street she grew up on, a sister three hours away. It may be something she has stopped mentioning because she does not want to be a bother. Only raise it if you intend to do it.
What would you like us to keep doing after you're not here?
Why ask it
It is plainer than asking how she wants to be remembered, and it gives the family something to act on: a dish at the holidays, a grave visited, two cousins kept in touch. Ask it calmly, on a day when she is well, and write the answer down.
Who else should I be asking about the family?
Why ask it
Save this for the end of a visit. She knows which aunt kept the photographs and which cousin remembers the old street, and those people are getting older too. Get names and, if you can, phone numbers.
Getting the stories down while you can
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Choosing from a long list
- Take one group per visit and pick four or five from it. Once the follow-ups start, that fills the time she has the energy for.
- Growing up is the easiest place to begin and works over the telephone. Love and marriage and Mother and grandmother go better with only the two of you in the room.
- Family keepsakes needs her photographs, her kitchen or her cupboards, so keep it for a visit to her home.
- Looking back belongs at the end of a conversation that has already gone well, not at the start of one.
- If a child is asking, or it is for a school project, the first five questions, the one about pets, what the child was like when small and who chose the name the grandchildren call her are enough.
- Where a question says Grandma, Grandpa, or my mom or dad, say the names your family uses.
- If your grandfather has died, or the marriage ended, change the wording before you sit down so that she is not left to correct you. If you are unsure how she feels about him, ask how they met and let her tone tell you whether to go on.
- If her memory is unreliable now, start with whatever she still talks about easily, which is often the early years, the songs and the photographs. Do not test her or correct her.
Recording her, properly
- Ask first, in plain words, and tell her it is for the family. Recording someone without saying so damages the trust the conversation depends on.
- The voice recorder on a phone is enough. Put it on the table between you, screen down, and then ignore it.
- Say the date and who is present at the start of the recording. In twenty years nobody will know otherwise.
- Video is worth it for the hands and the face, but it makes many people self-conscious. Audio first, video later if she is comfortable.
- Copy the file somewhere else the same day. A recording lost with a broken phone cannot be made again.
Pacing the conversation
- Stop while she is still enjoying it, which is often well under an hour. Several short conversations produce more than one long one.
- Sit where she can see your face and turn off any background noise. Poor hearing is easily mistaken for confusion.
- Let a repeated story run. The version told for the fifth time often has a new detail in it, and interrupting to say you know it already stops the whole flow.
- Follow her digressions and do not pull her back to your list. The thing she wanders into is often more interesting than what you asked.
- Keep photographs nearby. A picture in her hand can bring back names and dates that a direct question does not.
When a question lands badly
- If she says she would rather not, accept it in one sentence and move to something easy. Do not return to it later the same day.
- Tears are not a reason to stop unless she wants to stop. Ask her directly whether to carry on.
- Do not correct her account against what your mom or dad has told you. Two versions of a family event are normal, and hers is the one you are collecting.
- Take out anything she asks you to take out, and say so plainly. Being able to remove a passage is what makes people willing to speak freely.
Afterwards
- Write down names, places and dates while they are fresh, separately from the recording. Spellings of village and family names are the hardest thing to recover later.
- Send her something back: a photo of the recipe you made, a typed page of one story. It makes the next conversation easier to arrange.
- Share the recordings with cousins and siblings, and do not keep the only copy. Somebody else will want them badly at some point.
- If she is frail, prioritize. The questions only she can answer, about her own parents and your mom's or dad's childhood, come first. Preferences and favorites can wait.