Questions to Ask Your Husband's Mistress
Twenty questions for people who have decided to speak to the woman their husband had an affair with, covering timeline, what she was told, health, money and future contact. Each includes a note on how far the answer can be relied on. The guide covers safety and whether the conversation is worth having at all.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Are you willing to talk to me, and would you rather do it in writing?
Why ask it
Ask this first and accept the answer. Offering writing as an option raises the chance of getting anything at all, gives you a record, and removes the risk of a conversation that becomes an argument in a public place.
When did it start, and when did it last happen?
Why ask it
Two dates, asked plainly. Compare them with the dates your husband gave you rather than treating either account as final. Where the two disagree is the part worth pursuing with him, not with her.
Did you know he was married?
Why ask it
Her answer decides whether you are speaking to someone who deceived you or someone who was also deceived, and those are different conversations. It is the question she is most likely to answer defensively, so ask when she found out rather than only whether she knew.
What did he tell you about our marriage?
Why ask it
Often the most informative answer of the whole conversation, because it shows the story he was telling about you: separated, unhappy, staying for the children. That story is his responsibility, whatever she believed.
Did he tell you my name, or talk about our children?
Why ask it
People ask this because being unnamed and being discussed are different injuries, and it matters which happened. If children were discussed, you may want to know what was said and whether they were ever present.
How often did you see each other, and where?
Why ask it
Answers here tend to be more accurate than answers about feelings, since they involve places and dates that can be checked. Consider in advance how much detail you want, because it is difficult to unremember.
Did any of it happen in our home?
Why ask it
A question many people need answered and few think to ask directly. Whatever the answer, it is better to have it than to find out later, since the not knowing tends to attach itself to every room.
Was there unprotected sex, and have you been tested?
Why ask it
The most practical question on this page. Ask it regardless of how the rest of the conversation goes, arrange your own testing either way, and do not rely on anyone's reassurance in place of a result.
As far as you know, was anyone else involved?
Why ask it
She may know about other relationships you do not, and sometimes she found out at the same time you did. Take the answer as a lead to check rather than as established fact.
Did he give you money, gifts, or pay for travel?
Why ask it
This matters financially as well as emotionally, particularly where finances are shared or a divorce may follow. Note amounts and dates, and put the question to your bank statements as well as to her.
Has he contacted you since I found out?
Why ask it
The single most useful question about the present rather than the past. Ask for dates and ask to see the messages. A denial from either of them is worth much less than a phone bill.
Did he ever say he was going to leave?
Why ask it
Expect an answer shaped by whatever she was hoping for. What it tells you is which version of himself he presented to her, which you can then compare with what he is telling you now.
Did you ask him to leave me?
Why ask it
Asked calmly, this separates what she wanted from what he offered. It is a question about her intentions, and the answer may be no. Both answers tell you something about what you are dealing with going forward.
Did you ever try to end it, and what happened?
Why ask it
Attempts to stop, and what pulled it back together, show how the affair was sustained. This is where you sometimes learn that he pursued it after it had been broken off, which is information about him rather than her.
Did he tell you we were trying to work things out?
Why ask it
Painful and worth knowing, because it establishes whether the affair continued alongside promises made to you. If the timeline overlaps with counseling or a reconciliation, that is a fact for your own decision-making.
Do you have messages or photographs, and what do you intend to do with them?
Why ask it
A practical question about the future rather than the past. Ask directly whether anything will be sent to anyone or posted, and if there is any suggestion of that, keep a record and take legal advice.
Are you willing to have no further contact with him?
Why ask it
Ask for a plain yes or no rather than a promise with conditions. Whatever she says, the workable version of no contact has to be enforced through your husband, since he is the person with an obligation to you.
Is there anything you believe I've been told that isn't true?
Why ask it
An open question that occasionally produces the thing you came for. Treat it as a list to verify, not as a verdict, and be aware that either of them may have reasons to shape your view of the other.
Is there anything else you think I'd want to know?
Why ask it
Better placed near the end, once the specific questions are asked. Sometimes the answer is nothing. Sometimes it is the detail she has been deciding all conversation whether to say.
Is there anything you want from me?
Why ask it
An unexpected question that tends to end the conversation cleanly rather than in accusation. Usually the answer is to be left alone, which is worth having stated so both of you know where things stand.
Before, during and after the conversation
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Deciding whether to do it at all
- Write down what you actually want: the timeline, an admission, medical information, an end to contact. If the honest answer is that you want her to feel what you feel, this conversation will not deliver it.
- Ask who really has the answers. Almost everything about the marriage is your husband's to answer, and speaking to her can become a way of not making him do it.
- Accept in advance that you may be told things you cannot unlearn, and that some answers will be untrue. Both outcomes are common.
- Consider waiting a few weeks. Very little is lost by delay, and the version of you who has slept and eaten will conduct this better.
- If she has already contacted you, you are under no obligation to reply, either now or ever.
Safety and setting
- If you meet, choose a public place in daylight, arrive separately, and arrange your own way home.
- Do not go to her home or her workplace, and do not contact her employer, family or friends. Beyond the harm it does you, it can cross into harassment.
- Tell someone where you are going and when you expect to be back, and consider having them nearby rather than at the table.
- Keep a written record afterwards: date, what was said, anything you were shown. If a divorce follows, contemporaneous notes are worth more than memory.
- If it becomes abusive, end the conversation and leave. Nothing you might still learn is worth staying for that.
Doing it in writing instead
- Send one message with your questions numbered. It is harder to deflect than a conversation and gives you time to read the answers when you are ready.
- Keep it factual and short. Anything you write may be shown to your husband, to lawyers, or to other people.
- Do not negotiate, threaten, or explain your marriage. State what you want to know and leave it there.
- Save everything, including anything she sends unprompted, and back it up somewhere he cannot access.
Weighing what she tells you
- Assume both accounts are partly self-protective. Look for the points where hers and his agree, and treat those as the reliable core.
- She may have been deceived as well, sometimes about your existence. That does not make the affair your fault or hers alone, and it may change what her answers are worth.
- Anything checkable, dates, payments, locations, is worth checking. Anything about feelings and intentions is testimony rather than evidence.
- Be careful with advice about your husband or your marriage from this source. It may be sincere and it is still not disinterested.
The practical matters not to postpone
- Arrange full sexual health testing for yourself. Ask about the right timing for each test rather than assuming one visit settles it.
- Check joint accounts, cards and statements, and get copies of anything relevant while you can.
- Take one appointment with a family lawyer even if you intend to stay. Knowing where you would stand is not a decision to leave.
- If you have children, decide with your husband what they will be told, in what words, and by whom. Silence still communicates something, so it is better to choose deliberately.
- Line up support that is not the two people involved: a therapist, a friend who can be discreet, a doctor if you are not sleeping or eating.
Afterwards
- Expect to feel worse for a few days, even if the conversation went well. New detail takes time to settle.
- Resist repeat contact. A second conversation is usually about the feeling rather than the facts, and it tends to leave you with less.
- Put your questions to your husband next, in writing if that helps, and note where his account has changed.
- Give yourself a date, weeks rather than days, before deciding anything permanent. Decisions made in the first two weeks are rarely the ones people would have made in the second month.