Questions to Ask Your Kids
Questions to ask your kids at the end of a school day, in the car or at bedtime, written to get past 'fine' and 'nothing'. They are for parents first, and most work as well for grandparents, aunts, uncles and teachers, with a child of about four to twelve. They are grouped into school day, friends, silly, imagination, feelings, growing up and family, easiest first within each group, and each one carries a note on why it works and what the answer tends to show.
Shuffle these in the Conversation Starter Generator.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
School day
What was the best part of your day?
Why ask it
Works because it asks for one thing rather than a summary, which is what makes how was school impossible to answer. If the reply is nothing, treat it as a description of the day rather than a refusal and try again at bedtime.
What made you laugh today?
Why ask it
A low-cost question and a reliable way to get actual detail, because retelling a joke means retelling who was there and what happened first. You also learn who they find funny, which is usually who they want to be near.
Who did you sit with at lunch today?
Why ask it
Factual, with an easy answer, which is why it succeeds where 'how was your day' fails. Lunch is where the social order shows, with no adult managing it, so a new name, or a long pause before answering, says more than any question about friends in general.
What game is everyone playing at recess right now?
Why ask it
Playground crazes turn over fast, and a child enjoys being the one who explains the current one. Ask for the rules and prepare to be confused.
What did you make, write or draw today?
Why ask it
Asks about something concrete they produced, which is simpler to describe than something they learned. If the thing is in the backpack, ask for a tour of it.
What is something you learned today that surprised you?
Why ask it
Surprised does the work here: it rules out reciting the lesson title and asks what actually landed. If nothing surprised them for weeks on end, that is worth raising with a teacher rather than with the child.
What was the noisiest moment of your day, and what was the quietest?
Why ask it
Sensory questions slip past the 'fine' reflex because nobody has a stock answer ready. The quiet moment is often the more interesting: reading corner, or alone on the bench?
Where is your favorite spot in your whole school?
Why ask it
You may hear about a corner of the library or a particular tree you never knew existed. Knowing the geography of a child's day makes every later question easier to ask.
If today were a movie, which part would you fast-forward through?
Why ask it
A sideways route to the boring or uncomfortable part of the day, without the word 'bad' in it. Ask which scene they would rewind and watch again, too.
Did anyone get in trouble today? What happened?
Why ask it
A child who cannot recall one thing they learned will deliver this report in forensic detail. Pay attention to what they thought was fair: that is the real content.
What is something your teacher said today that stuck in your head?
Why ask it
Might be a fact, a joke or a telling-off, and each is informative. It also shows how the child hears the teacher, which a report card will never tell you.
Did you see anyone do something kind today, to you or to somebody else?
Why ask it
Including 'somebody else' means there is nearly always an answer. Asked regularly, it trains a child to look out for kindness, which is no bad habit.
What did you hear about today that you want to know more about?
Why ask it
Lighter than a bare 'what did you learn', which sounds like a test. Whatever they name, volcanoes or ancient tombs, is your cue for a library trip or a video together.
What was the hardest part of today?
Why ask it
Naming a hard part as a normal feature of a day makes it reportable, rather than something that only comes up when there is a problem. Do not solve the first one they offer, or you will only ever hear the small ones.
Did anything happen today that you didn't understand?
Why ask it
Covers both schoolwork and behavior they witnessed, so it catches things a question about lessons would miss. Younger children often use it to raise something an adult said that confused them.
Did anything happen today that felt unfair?
Why ask it
Children have a sharp sense of fairness and will talk about it long after they have gone quiet about feelings. It is also the door through which most trouble with a teacher, a rule, or another child first appears.
What are the rules at recess that the grown-ups don't know about?
Why ask it
Playground law is detailed, unwritten and fiercely enforced. Asking about it tells a child you know their world has its own politics, and you learn who makes the rules.
What are you working on at school that you want to show me when it is finished?
Why ask it
Signals that you care about the project and not only the grade. Make a note of the answer and ask about it again next week, which matters more than the asking.
What would you tell a new kid about how your class really works?
Why ask it
Puts the child in the expert's chair. You get the unofficial guide: which table is loud, what the teacher cannot stand, and where you should never stand in line.
If you were in charge of your school for a day, what would you change first?
Why ask it
Puts them in the position of authority rather than complaint, which gets you specifics instead of a mood. Uniform and lunch answers are normal; an answer about a particular adult or a particular corridor deserves a follow-up.
Friends
Who in your class is really good at something, and what is it?
Why ask it
Talking about other children's strengths carries no pressure, so it is a gentle way in. It also shows you who your child watches and quietly admires.
Who at school is kind to people?
Why ask it
A safer route into the social map than asking who is mean. Children often name someone who is being left out, or themselves, and both are worth following.
What does a good friend do when you are upset?
Why ask it
Describes the comfort they want without having to ask for it directly. It is also a quiet check on whether the friends they have are doing any of it.
What do you and your friends talk about that you think adults would not understand?
Why ask it
Grants them a private world instead of trying to break into it, which is why it often gets an answer. Whatever they choose to explain to you is what they have decided is safe to share, and that boundary is useful to know.
Who in your class would you like to be friends with, and what stops you?
Why ask it
The second half is the useful part, because it surfaces a specific obstacle you can help with rather than a general wish. Answers about not knowing how to start are common and very fixable.
Is there anyone at school you think is having a hard time?
Why ask it
Asking about someone else is much easier to answer than asking about themselves, and a child being excluded will often describe their own situation through another name. Follow it up without pressing on who is really being described.
Have you felt left out this year? What happened?
Why ask it
Exclusion is specific and memorable, and children rarely volunteer it because they assume it reflects badly on them. Ask about one occasion rather than in general. If the answer comes instantly and in detail, it is still live.
What would you do if a friend asked you to keep a secret that felt wrong?
Why ask it
Rehearses a decision before they face it, which is the point of asking. Pay attention to whether their plan includes telling an adult, and if not, agree together who that adult would be.
Silly
If you could only eat foods of one color for a whole day, which color would you choose?
Why ask it
Small children take this seriously and will audit the fridge in their heads. Orange is a stronger pick than it sounds, on the strength of cheese and carrots.
What would you do if you found a penguin in the bathtub?
Why ask it
A four-year-old will have a plan within seconds, and it usually involves keeping the penguin. Play along with practical questions: what does it eat, and where does it sleep?
What do you think your stuffed animals and toys get up to while you are out?
Why ask it
Children under seven often have a settled theory about this. Older ones will invent one to humor you, and the invention is just as enjoyable to hear.
What would you name a boat if you had one?
Why ask it
Kids are better at this than adults, who overthink it. You will get something like Captain Splashy, and the name will outlive the conversation by years.
What would you do with a thousand rubber ducks?
Why ask it
The number is what makes it funny, because the child has to work out where a thousand of anything would go. The bathtub fills up fast and then the real ideas begin.
If animals wore clothes, which animal would look the funniest in pants?
Why ask it
Sooner or later it becomes a debate about how many legs the pants need. Have a pencil handy, because the matter may have to be settled with a drawing.
If you had to invent a new dance move right now, what would it be called?
Why ask it
Naming it is the easy half. The real answer is the demonstration, so ask this one in the kitchen and not in the car.
If you got to choose a new name for me, what would you call me?
Why ask it
Works for parents, grandparents and teachers alike, and the name may stick, so be warned. Ask why they chose it: there is usually a logic, and it is often flattering.
What would be the strangest thing to find inside a birthday present?
Why ask it
Half the pleasure is the gap between the wrapping and the contents. Answers range from a single sock to a live goat, and it is worth asking what they would do with it.
If you could teach a parrot to say one sentence, what would it be?
Why ask it
Shows you what a child finds funniest to hear repeated, which is frequently something you say yourself. Brace for an impression of you telling them to find their shoes.
If you were invisible at home for ten minutes, what harmless trick would you play?
Why ask it
'Harmless' sets the boundary without spoiling the fun. Moving the remote and eating a cookie in plain sight are typical, and you hear who the target would be.
If you had to eat one meal using your feet, which meal would be the easiest?
Why ask it
A logistics problem dressed up as nonsense. Kids reason it through with real care, toast against soup, and may ask to test the theory. That part is your call.
Who do you know with the funniest laugh, and can you show me what it sounds like?
Why ask it
Children can be sharp mimics and rarely get permission to show it. Keep it affectionate by asking about people they love, and offer your own best impression in return.
What song should play every time you walk into a room?
Why ask it
A theme song is a small statement of identity, and kids from about seven up give it real thought. Play the song later at an unexpected moment and you will get a grin.
What is the grossest thing you have ever eaten, or nearly eaten?
Why ask it
True stories are a step up from the pure inventions above, and every child has this one. It often involves a sibling's dare or a very old lunch box, so ask who else was there.
What is the weirdest dream you can remember having?
Why ask it
Dream retellings wander, so give it time and do not look for a plot. Skip it at bedtime with a child who gets nightmares, and ask over breakfast instead.
What is the silliest thing you believed when you were littler?
Why ask it
Best from about seven, when a child is old enough to find a younger self funny. Trade one of your own: children love hearing that adults once believed nonsense too.
Imagination
If you could grow anything at all on a tree in the yard, what would it grow?
Why ask it
Easy enough for a four-year-old, who will say candy, and open enough for a ten-year-old, who will say money and then weigh the consequences out loud.
If you could invent an animal, what would it look like and what would it do?
Why ask it
Open invention questions have no wrong answer, which makes them useful with children who have learned to be careful about getting things right.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be and how would you use it?
Why ask it
The use is more revealing than the power. Children who want to be invisible, or to undo mistakes, are often telling you about something at school.
If our family had a spaceship, what would we call it and who would sit where?
Why ask it
Watch the seating plan more than the name. Note who gets to drive, who is put in charge of snacks and whether the baby brother is assigned to the cargo hold.
What do you think dreams are made of, and where do they go in the morning?
Why ask it
Meant for the four-to-seven crowd, who will answer with total confidence. There is no need to correct the science: the theory is the gift.
If you could understand what babies are thinking, what do you think they would be saying?
Why ask it
Especially good for a child with a new sibling, since it invites curiosity about the small loud person. Expect a baby with firm opinions about naps.
If you had a secret hideout, who would be allowed in and who would have to knock?
Why ask it
The guest list is a map of a child's inner circle. A sibling left off it is usually a passing matter, but a friend you have never heard of is worth a gentle question.
If you were a teacher at a school for dragons, what would the first lesson be?
Why ask it
Children who find their own school dull often run a dragon school with great energy. Fire safety is a popular first lesson, which suggests somebody has been listening.
If you made a friend out of snow, clay or cardboard and it came to life, what would it be like?
Why ask it
What a child builds into an imaginary friend tends to be what they value in a real one: funny, loyal, never bossy. Ask what the two of them would do first.
If you invented a brand-new color, what would it look like and what would you call it?
Why ask it
Impossible, strictly speaking, which is why it is good. Children describe it by comparison, like green but louder, and the name they pick is often excellent.
If you could put up a statue of anyone or anything in the middle of town, what would it be?
Why ask it
A child's idea of who deserves a statue is worth hearing: a grandparent, the dog, the crossing guard. Ask what the plaque underneath would say.
What do you think is at the very bottom of the ocean that nobody has found yet?
Why ask it
Splits children into the treasure camp and the monster camp, with a few careful naturalists in between. Any of the three makes a good bedtime story to build together.
If you could fly to the moon with one person, who would you take and what would you pack?
Why ask it
Who they take is the headline, and do not be hurt if it is not you. The packing list shows how they think: snacks, a stuffed animal or a properly worked-out plan.
If you woke up and everyone else in the world was asleep for an hour, what would you do?
Why ask it
Tests what a child would do with total freedom and no audience. The plans tend to be modest, a forbidden snack or the big TV, which is a kind of reassurance.
If you could swap places with anyone for one day, who would it be, and what would you do first?
Why ask it
The second half is the useful part: the person is often a celebrity, but what they would do first is about them. Pay attention if the answer is mostly about escaping something.
If you wrote a book, what would it be about and who would be the hero?
Why ask it
The hero is often the child in light disguise, with a better name and a horse. Offer to write down the first page while they dictate, and you may get a second.
If you could visit a time long ago or far in the future for one afternoon, which would you pick?
Why ask it
Shows whether a child is drawn to knights and dinosaurs or to flying cars. Older kids will start on the risks of changing history, which is a good conversation.
What would you put in a museum about you?
Why ask it
Underneath, you are asking what matters most to them. The exhibits tend to be a worn-out toy, a drawing and one object you had no idea was important.
What do you think the world will have when you are grown up that it does not have now?
Why ask it
Optimists describe flying buses and pessimists describe robots that assign homework. Either way you get a glimpse of whether the future looks friendly to them.
If you could keep one day of your life in a jar and live it again whenever you liked, which day would it be?
Why ask it
The chosen day is rarely the expensive one. It is more often an ordinary afternoon when everyone was in a good mood, which is useful news for whoever plans the weekends.
Feelings
What is something you are looking forward to?
Why ask it
Anticipation is easy to talk about, and the answer shows what they are counting on, which is worth knowing before you reschedule it by accident. If nothing comes to mind, that is worth noticing, and worth planning something small.
What is the coziest place you can think of?
Why ask it
Comfort is a feeling that even a four-year-old can locate exactly. The answer, under a blanket or on a grandparent's lap, tells you where they go to feel safe.
If your feelings today were weather, what would the forecast be?
Why ask it
Weather hands small children a vocabulary they already own. 'Sunny with one thunderstorm at lunch' is a full report, and you can ask about the thunderstorm.
Where in your body do you feel it when you are excited?
Why ask it
Young children often cannot name a feeling but can point to a fizzy stomach or jumpy legs. Start with excitement because it is pleasant to describe, and ask the same about worry another day: the sensation becomes a cue you can both refer back to later.
What always cheers you up when you are feeling grumpy?
Why ask it
Ask on a good day and remember what you hear. You are being handed the instruction manual in the child's own words, for use the next time things fall apart.
What sound makes you feel calm or safe?
Why ask it
Rain, a dishwasher running, a parent's voice in the next room: the answers are ordinary. Several of those are things you control, which is useful on a hard night.
What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you lately?
Why ask it
Kids hold on to compliments longer than adults expect, and which one they kept tells you what they want to be seen as. Notice who it came from, too.
What is something nice someone did for you that they have probably forgotten about?
Why ask it
The 'probably forgotten' framing pushes past the birthday-present answer toward a small kindness they have quietly held onto for months.
When was the last time you felt really proud of yourself?
Why ask it
Listen for whether the pride comes from a result or from sticking with something hard. Whichever it is, ask for the story slowly, because telling it lets them enjoy it twice.
What is the bravest thing you have ever done?
Why ask it
Adults tend to expect the diving board, and children often name something social instead, like saying sorry or walking into a new classroom. Take their definition.
What makes you feel brave?
Why ask it
Better than asking whether they were brave, which invites a yes. This asks for the conditions, which is something they can actually use next time.
When you are sad, do you want company or would you rather be alone for a while?
Why ask it
A choice of two is something even a small child can answer, which an open question about comfort is not. The answer tells you whether to sit down beside them or give them ten minutes, and it saves both of you some grief.
When you are upset, what do you want me to do, and what do you want me to stop doing?
Why ask it
Most comforting is done by guesswork and adult preference. The stop half is the part worth asking for: many children can name it precisely, and it is often the questions themselves.
What is something you used to be scared of that does not scare you now?
Why ask it
Begins with a fear already beaten, so the child gets to be brave in the telling. It may open the door to a current fear, which is theirs to bring up, not yours.
Who would you want with you if you were scared or in trouble?
Why ask it
Tells you who they would actually call, which may not be you, and that is worth knowing rather than correcting. If the name is someone you do not know well, that is the follow-up.
Have you ever felt two feelings at once, like happy and nervous? When was that?
Why ask it
Naming a mixed feeling is a real step, and giving an example pair makes it possible for a six-year-old. First days, sleepovers and recitals are the usual settings.
What do you do when you are angry, and does it work?
Why ask it
Asking whether it works is what makes this useful. A child who says shouting works is telling you something honest about what has been effective for them so far.
What do you think about when you are trying to fall asleep?
Why ask it
Night is when unprocessed worry surfaces, and children rarely bring it up in daylight because by then it feels silly. Ask it at lights-out and listen all the way through before reassuring, because a quick 'don't worry' ends the conversation.
What do you wish grown-ups understood about being a kid?
Why ask it
Strongest with ages eight and up. Expect a pause before the answer, resist the urge to defend adults, and consider that the complaint, however general it sounds, may be addressed to you.
Is there anything you want to tell me but are not sure how to say?
Why ask it
Use it rarely, quietly, and side by side if you can. What comes out first may be a smaller version of the real thing, so stay calm and unhurried. If the answer is no, say the offer stays open and move on without pressing, which is what makes it believable.
Growing up
What do you like doing when nobody is telling you what to do?
Why ask it
Separates their real interests from the activities you or the school signed them up for. If they cannot answer at all, their week may be too full for anything to have grown in it.
What should I read, watch or play so I know what you are talking about?
Why ask it
Asking them to recommend rather than explain flips the roles and makes them the one who knows something. Only ask if you intend to actually do it.
What are you curious about right now that you wish someone would explain properly?
Why ask it
Properly implies they already asked and got fobbed off, sometimes by you. The topic matters less than finding out where they stopped asking.
What do you want to do when you grow up, and what sounds fun about it?
Why ask it
The reason behind the job is the useful part. Being outside, helping people, or being in charge tells you more than the job title does.
What job do you think you would be really good at, and why?
Why ask it
Different from asking what they want to be. It asks what they believe they are good at, and the 'why' shows how a child sees their own strengths.
What is something you did well that nobody noticed?
Why ask it
Most praise at school and home attaches to results, so effort that went unrewarded goes unmentioned and quietly stops. Their answer tells you what they are proud of when no one is grading it.
What do you want to get better at, and what is getting in the way?
Why ask it
The second half turns a wish into something you can act on: time, equipment, a lift on Saturdays, or a fear of being bad in front of people. Most children name the obstacle accurately if asked directly.
What would you try if you knew you could not be bad at it?
Why ask it
Fear of being bad at something quietly narrows a childhood, and taking it out of the question lets you hear an interest they have already dropped. What they name is often cheap to arrange and better done privately.
What is something you tried that did not work out, and what did you do next?
Why ask it
Treating setbacks as ordinary events, rather than as failures needing comfort, is what builds persistence. Resist fixing it while they are telling you.
Family
What is your favorite meal that someone in our family makes?
Why ask it
Flatters whoever does the cooking, which makes it a soft way to begin. Follow it with an offer to teach them the dish, and you have booked an afternoon together.
What story about when you were a baby do you like hearing the most?
Why ask it
Being the hero of a story they cannot remember is a particular pleasure for a child. If they have no answer, that is your cue to tell one, with as much detail as you can recall.
What is the very first thing you can remember from when you were little?
Why ask it
Early memories are odd fragments: a carpet pattern, a dog, being lifted up. Do not correct the details, even if you were there and remember it differently.
Which family photo do you like best, and what is happening in it?
Why ask it
Goes best with the album or a phone in hand. Children pick pictures for reasons adults miss, like the dog in the background or a shirt they once loved.
What job around the house do you secretly not mind doing?
Why ask it
'Secretly' lets them admit it without losing face. There is nearly always one, often involving water or a spray bottle, and it is a sensible place to build from.
What is your favorite thing we do together?
Why ask it
The answer is frequently something small and cheap: a walk, a particular song in the car. It is worth hearing before you plan anything elaborate.
If you had a whole Saturday with me, what would we do?
Why ask it
Asks for something you can actually deliver, and the request is usually smaller and cheaper than you expect. If a version of it is possible, put a date on it before the conversation ends.
What do you think I do all day while you are at school?
Why ask it
Prepare to be humbled. A child may picture a parent's work as typing or 'emails', and explaining what you really do is a conversation they tend to remember.
What do you think I was like when I was your age?
Why ask it
Wonderful from a grandparent, since the child is imagining a very distant world. Correct the picture with one true story, ideally one in which you got into trouble.
If a friend came to stay with us for a week, what would you warn them about?
Why ask it
Produces an outsider's guide to your household: the loud brother, the early bedtime, the dog that steals socks. It is mostly affectionate, and what is not is worth hearing.
What is the best and the worst part of being the oldest, youngest, middle or only kid?
Why ask it
Every position in a family comes with a grievance and a perk, and children know theirs precisely. Hearing the worst part without arguing takes some of the heat out of it.
What is something you would like to teach me how to do?
Why ask it
Reverses the usual direction of instruction, which children find thrilling. Say yes and be a genuinely bad student for a while: it is good for both of you.
Who in our family are you most like, and in what way?
Why ask it
Children build part of their identity from these comparisons, so listen to which traits they claim. An aunt or uncle asking this may find out they are the answer.
Which grown-up outside our family do you like being around?
Why ask it
Every child needs at least one adult besides you they would actually talk to, and it is better to know who that is. The reason they give, a coach who stays calm or an aunt who does not interrupt, also tells you what feels missing at home.
What would you like to learn from a grandparent or another older person in the family?
Why ask it
Fishing, a recipe, a language, how to whistle. If you are the older relative asking, you may be handed a standing appointment, which is the best possible result.
Which rule in our house seems unfair to you, and what would you put in its place?
Why ask it
Requiring a replacement changes the register from complaint to proposal, and the proposal is often more reasonable than expected. You can decline it and still get credit for asking, as long as you say why.
What do you wish I would stop doing?
Why ask it
This is harder to hear than to ask, and the answer is usually about manner rather than substance: the reminders, the comparisons, the questions asked in front of other people. Whatever they name, do not defend it in the same conversation.
When do you feel most loved?
Why ask it
Listen for small repeated things more than presents: being tucked in, or being waited for at the gate. Once you know what they are, you know what to keep doing.
What is something our family does every year that you want to keep doing when you are grown up?
Why ask it
Tells you which traditions are landing and which you keep up only out of habit. The winner is usually small, like a certain breakfast on a certain morning.
When you are grown up, what do you hope you remember about being a kid in this house?
Why ask it
This asks a child to look at their own life from outside, which older children can do and usually enjoy. The answers point at what is genuinely working at home, and they are almost never the expensive things.
What is something about our family you would keep exactly the same?
Why ask it
A good closer because it ends on solid ground after the harder questions, and it tells you which of your routines is doing more work than you thought. Whatever they name is the thing to protect when life gets busy.
Getting past a one-word answer
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How and when to ask
Not in the first ten minutes after school
A child who has held it together all day is depleted and hungry at pickup and will give you nothing usable. Open with something that needs no reply, like 'good to see you'. The same question at dinner or bedtime, hours later, often gets a paragraph.
Side by side beats face to face
Cars, walks, washing up, and building something all work because eye contact is optional and the child controls the pace. Sitting them down across a table signals that something is wrong. This matters most for the feelings and friends questions.
Use the bedtime window
A child who had nothing to say at dinner may turn talkative the moment the light goes out. Some of it is stalling, and it is still the best opening of the day. Keep one question for then and allow a little extra time for it.
Ask one, then stop
Three questions in a row is an interview, and children shut down in the same way adults do. Ask one, follow the answer wherever it goes, even if a question about school turns into a long account of a video game, and let the rest of the list wait for another day.
What to do with the answer
Let the silence run
The useful part of an answer usually arrives after a pause long enough to feel awkward. Count slowly to five in your head before you rephrase or rescue, because small children especially need longer than adults to find the words. Filling the gap with a rephrased version of your own question replaces their answer with yours.
Do not grade the answer
Turning what they say into a lesson, a correction, or a longer story of your own teaches them that answering costs something. If you want more tomorrow, receive today's answer and leave it alone.
Take your own turn
Answering the same question yourself, honestly and briefly, is a different thing from taking over their answer. A child who hears that you also had a boring meeting and a funny lunch learns that this is a swap between two people and not a checkup. Keep your turn shorter than theirs.
When you get 'I don't know'
- 1Treat it as 'not right now' and not as a refusal.
- 2Make the question smaller: swap 'how was your day' for 'who did you sit with'.
- 3Offer your own answer and leave a gap after it.
- 4If nothing comes, drop it cheerfully and try a different question at a different time of day.
When an answer worries you
Now and then a question turns up something serious, such as a child being picked on or frightened. Stay calm, thank them for telling you, and ask a little more without pouncing. Decide what to do about it afterwards, not in the middle of the conversation, so that telling you stays safe.
Come back to it days later
Mention an answer again later in the week: ask how the recess game is going or whether the project got finished. Being remembered is what persuades a child that the questions are real.
Using the groups
Start near the top of a group
Each group runs from easy to hard. The first few questions in any group are safe with any child on any day, and the last few ask for more trust. Work down a group over weeks, not in one sitting.
School day and friends
These are the replacements for how was school. Ask them later in the afternoon or at dinner, one at a time. The friends group goes further, into who they admire, who they would like to know and who is left out, so keep it for a quiet moment and not for the dinner table with a sibling listening.
Silly and imagination
No wrong answers and nothing to report, which makes these the warm-up for a small child, a child who has gone quiet, a long drive, or a relative getting reacquainted. They also work with several children at once.
Feelings
One at a time, side by side or at bedtime, and never as a run. The early ones, such as the coziest place or feelings as weather, suit a four-year-old. The last one is an offer, not a question that needs an answer today.
Growing up and family
Growing up is about what they are into, what they want to get better at and what they have given up on. Its first few questions suit any age, and the ones about effort and things that did not work out land better once a child is old enough to have quit something. Family is written for the adults at home, though a grandparent, aunt or uncle can ask most of it, and its last questions are good ones to end a long talk on.
Adjusting for age and for who is asking
Ages four to six
Keep it concrete and close to today: best part, funniest thing, who they sat with. Little children answer best about things they can picture, which is why a penguin in the bathtub works and a question about fairness in general gets a shrug or a made-up answer designed to please you. Offer choices, use the silly and imagination groups freely, and expect the reply to arrive as a story with no clear ending.
Ages seven to nine
This is the age of rules, fairness and best friends, so the school day, friends and family groups do well. Children here enjoy being the expert, and any question that asks them to explain how their world works will get a long answer.
Ages ten to twelve
Older children can hold a hypothetical and will still explain their social world if asked without judgement, but they guard their privacy and can smell an agenda. Ask for opinions more than reports, accept 'I don't want to talk about it' the first time, and keep the feelings questions for moments when they have started the conversation themselves.
Once they are teenagers
This list is written for younger children, and a teenager will give one-word answers to anything that sounds like surveillance. The questions that still work are the ones that grant privacy, such as what adults would not understand, or that ask their opinion of something outside themselves. Those get much further than questions about their day.
If you only see them now and then
Grandparents, aunts and uncles have an advantage: you are not the person who enforces bedtime. Begin with silly or imagination questions to get reacquainted, then ask one family question about the old days, which is a subject you own.
If you are their teacher
Use these one to one, at arrival, on lunch duty or while walking a line down the hall. The school day, silly and imagination groups work as written. Keep the feelings and friends questions for private moments, never in front of the class, skip the family questions that assume you live with the child, and remember that home is a hard subject for some children.
What goes wrong
Questions that are really checks
Did you hand in the homework and who did you sit with are asked in the same voice but land differently. If most of your questions are verification, the honest ones stop being believed.
Solving the first hard thing they mention
A fast rescue is comforting for the adult and teaches the child that mentioning a problem starts a process. Ask what they want from you before doing anything.
Pushing past a no
Some of these questions ask a lot, especially the later ones in the friends and feelings groups. If a child says no, changes the subject or goes quiet, that is the answer for today. Say the offer stays open, move on without pressing, and leave that question alone for a while. Being allowed to say no is what makes a later yes possible.
Repeating it to other people
Retelling something they told you, to a partner, a grandparent, or another parent at the gate, is the most common reason a child stops sharing. Ask before you pass anything on.
Reacting to the small version
Children often test with a minor confession before the real one. A big reaction to the test means you never hear the rest.