Questions to Ask Your Kids About You
Questions to ask your kids about you, in six groups that run from funny to uncomfortable. The first two are the interview staples (how old they think you are, what you always say, what you do all day, what makes you laugh) and suit any child who can talk. The later groups ask about the two of you, what you are like to live with and what they have stopped telling you, for kids old enough to give an honest answer.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Warm-Ups
How old do you think I am?
Why ask it
Small children guess anywhere from nine to a hundred and mean it, which is why this one opens most interviews of this kind. Write the number down with the date. An older child who knows the real figure can be asked how old you seem instead, which is a different and more interesting answer.
What do I say so often that you could say it before I do?
Why ask it
Expect it delivered in your voice, sigh included. The first phrase they reach for is the one they hear most, and it may be 'in a minute' or 'because I said so' and not anything you would choose to be quoted on. Laugh, and write it down word for word.
What do you think I do all day at work?
Why ask it
You will usually get one visible fragment: you type, you talk on the phone, you go to meetings. It shows how little of your day you have ever explained, so follow up by describing one real thing you did this week in words they can picture. If you work at home or look after the house, ask what they think happens while they are at school.
When you picture me at my happiest, what am I doing?
Why ask it
Their picture might be you in the garden, you out with your own friends, or you asleep on the sofa. If it is something you have not done in a year, that tells you how long it has been since they saw it. A scene with nobody from the family in it deserves a second question: when do they see you happy at home?
What am I really good at?
Why ask it
The answer tends to be something you would never put on a list yourself, like finding lost things or doing the voices in a story. Whatever they name is the skill of yours that actually reaches them, and it is rarely the one you are paid for.
What am I not very good at?
Why ask it
Laugh first, because how you take this one sets the terms for every harder question further down. Singing, parking and staying off the phone are common verdicts. If they say listening or being on time, they have opened the serious part of the list early, and you can follow it or let it wait.
How tall do you think I am?
Why ask it
Expect an answer in the wrong unit altogether: a hundred feet, forty pounds, as tall as the door. It belongs on the yearly page beside the age guess, and standing back to back afterwards shows where they reach on you this year. A teenager who has overtaken you will answer with great satisfaction.
What is my favorite thing to eat?
Why ask it
Younger children often name their own favorite, which is worth recording exactly as said. When they get it right, ask how they know: they have watched you order it, or noticed what you keep for yourself at the back of the cupboard.
Where is my favorite place to go?
Why ask it
Small children name wherever they see you go most, so brace for the supermarket or the office. Older ones may name the place you talk about and never get to. Tell them your real answer afterwards, and what you like about being there.
What do you think I do after you have gone to bed?
Why ask it
Guesses run from eating all the good snacks to working until morning, and both say something about how your evenings look from the top of the stairs. Tell them the unglamorous truth afterwards. Knowing what goes on in the house once they are asleep settles some children more than you would expect.
What I Am Like
What makes me laugh?
Why ask it
A child who answers quickly has seen you properly amused not long ago. A long think, or an answer that is only something on a screen, may mean it has been a while since they saw you laughing with the people in the house. Ask for an impression of your laugh while you are at it.
What makes me sad?
Why ask it
Small children usually answer with themselves: when I hit my brother, when I will not put my shoes on. Correct that gently by naming something real that has nothing to do with them, like missing your own mother or a friend moving away. An older child's answer shows how much of your sadness you have let them see, which may be more or less than you intended.
If I were an animal, which one would I be?
Why ask it
Always ask why, because the reason is the whole answer. A bear can mean warm and huggable or it can mean growly before coffee, and only the follow-up tells you which bear you are.
Which cartoon or movie character am I most like?
Why ask it
They can only choose from what they watch, so the pick comes out of their world and not yours. Ask what the character does that you do. Being the bossy one, or the one who is always tired, is a fair review delivered in a form nobody has to feel bad about.
If I became famous, what would it be for?
Why ask it
This gets at what they find most remarkable about you without the weight of a serious question. Pancakes, loud sneezes and knowing every road in town all count. Notice whether it is something you do for them or something you do for yourself.
What three words would you use to describe me?
Why ask it
Three is enough to get past 'nice' and reach a word they had to think about. Take the third one most seriously, since the first two are usually the polite ones. With a teenager, try asking for the three words their friends would pick.
What do you think I was like at your age?
Why ask it
Their guess shows how much they have been told about you and how much they have filled in from parents in general: well behaved, good at school, no fun. Correct the record with one true story, ideally one in which you got into trouble.
If I had a whole day with nothing I had to do, how do you think I would spend it?
Why ask it
Here you find out whether they know what you enjoy or only what you get done. An answer of cleaning or working is not an insult. It is a report on what they have watched you choose whenever the time was yours.
What is something you like about me that has nothing to do with being a parent?
Why ask it
A child mostly sees the role, so this asks them to look past the lunches and the rides to practice. You may hear that you are good at drawing, funny with your friends, or brave about spiders. If they struggle, it is not a rejection: they may never have had a reason to think of you as a separate person.
The Two of Us
What is your favorite thing that you and I do together?
Why ask it
Listen for how ordinary it is. The drive to practice or the ten minutes before lights out tends to beat the trip you saved up for, and once you know which routine it is you can stop letting it get squeezed out.
What is your favorite memory of you and me?
Why ask it
Their pick may be a day you barely registered, or one you remember as a disaster: the picnic in the rain, the flat tire. Ask what made it good. Then tell them yours, because children rarely get to hear which day with them a parent holds on to.
What do I do that makes you laugh?
Why ask it
On purpose and by accident are separate lists, so ask for both. The by-accident list is the better story, and enjoying it in front of them is good practice for the later questions about what you do without noticing.
Is there something you wish we did together that we never do?
Why ask it
It is often smaller and cheaper than you would guess: baking, a bike ride, being taught a card game. It may also be something you turned down once without registering it. Put a day on it before the conversation ends, because 'sometime' is an answer they may have had before.
Do you feel like I spend enough time with you?
Why ask it
A no is easier to hear if you ask straight away what kind of time they mean. For some kids it is an hour with no brother or sister in the room, and for others it is you watching them do the thing they are learning. A teenager who says you spend plenty may mean it, so take the answer and do not push for more.
How are you and I alike, and how are we different?
Why ask it
Children have usually been told who they take after, so the first answer may be a relative's opinion repeated. Nudge for a likeness they noticed themselves. The 'different' half matters more as they get older, because that is where they are marking out who they are apart from you.
How do you know that I love you?
Why ask it
Not whether, but how: the question asks for evidence, and the evidence shows which form of affection gets through. If they say you make their lunch and you thought it was the things you say, you have learned which one they are reading. A shrug from a teenager is ordinary and does not mean no.
What do you think I am most proud of you for?
Why ask it
If every item is a result, a grade, a goal, a prize, they may believe your pride has to be earned on a scoreboard. That is your cue to name something about their character that nobody handed out a certificate for.
What makes you proud of me?
Why ask it
Younger kids pick what they can show off to friends: you drive a truck, you run fast, you make the best cake. Older ones sometimes name a thing they watched you get through, a hard year or a new job. If nothing comes, let it go lightly, since it is an odd direction for a child to be asked to think in.
What have I taught you that you actually use?
Why ask it
Parents hope for a value and get a method: how to crack an egg, how to shake hands, how to answer the phone. Those count for more than they sound. A child who can name one still sees you as someone to learn from, and that is the thing you want to keep into the teenage years.
Living With Me
How can you tell when I have had a bad day?
Why ask it
They will describe a tell you did not know you had: the way the keys go down, a particular silence, the one-word replies. Then ask what they do when they spot it. Some children go quiet or turn extra helpful, and you are better off knowing that they adjust themselves around your mood.
What do I get annoyed about that is really not a big deal?
Why ask it
Shoes in the hall, lights left on, the dishwasher loaded wrong. You do not have to concede the point, but note how fast the answer came. A child who has it ready has been bracing for that reaction for a while.
What do I do that annoys you the most?
Why ask it
Promise no comeback and you will hear something small and repeated: asking the same thing twice, singing in the car, wiping their face with your thumb. Say thank you and do not hand back a list of what they do that annoys you. That trade is how this question turns into a fight.
When I am on my phone and you are talking to me, what is that like?
Why ask it
They cannot see whether it is work, a bill or a game, only the lowered face and the answer that comes a beat late. Ask how they tell when it is a bad time to interrupt, and what they do then. If the answer is that they give up and go away, you have found something specific to change.
Do I ask you too many questions, not enough, or about the wrong things?
Why ask it
Parents often ask a lot and still miss, because the questions are about logistics and homework. Their answer tells you whether the problem is volume or topic, which are opposite fixes.
When you are upset, what do I do that helps, and what makes it worse?
Why ask it
Most of us have one move, advice or a hug, and use it on every kind of upset. Their answer sorts out when they want company, when they want a solution and when they want the door left shut for half an hour. Bring it up on a calm day, never in the middle of the upset itself.
Is there a way I embarrass you that I probably do not notice?
Why ask it
Some of it comes with their age and is not yours to fix. But buried in the answer there is often one specific thing, a joke you make in front of their friends, a way you talk to their teachers, that you could stop tomorrow at no cost.
Do I treat you like the age you are, or like someone younger?
Why ask it
Rules tend to lag behind the child, who notices the gap long before the parent does. Ask for one thing they think they are ready to do alone. Granting a small one soon is the proof that answering was worth their while.
Am I stricter than your friends' parents, or more relaxed?
Why ask it
Most kids will say stricter, so ask which rule they are comparing: bedtime, phones, sleepovers, how far they can go alone. You are not obliged to match another family. The rule they pick is the one that costs them most with their friends, and it deserves a proper explanation of why you hold it.
Which of my rules do you think is fair, and which one is not?
Why ask it
Asking for a fair one first stops it turning into a list of complaints, and shows you which rules they have accepted as reasonable. For the unfair one, ask what they think the rule is for. If they cannot say, the missing piece may be an explanation you never gave.
Is there a promise I made that you are still waiting on?
Why ask it
Adults forget the casual ones, the 'maybe this weekend' and the 'we will see', while children file each of them as a commitment. You will probably hear about something from months ago. Either do it, or say plainly that it is not going to happen and why, which is kinder than leaving it open.
Do you think I am fair between you and your brothers or sisters?
Why ask it
Skip it with an only child. With siblings, be ready for a firm no from each of them, since every child keeps accounts and each ledger shows the other one ahead. The example they reach for is the useful part, because it shows what they are counting: time, patience, money or blame.
Hard Ones
When something goes wrong at school, do you expect me to be angry, worried, or on your side?
Why ask it
Their expectation, accurate or not, is what decides whether they tell you the next time. Worry can be as discouraging as anger here, because a child who expects panic may decide to handle it alone to protect you.
Do you feel like I hear your side before I make a decision?
Why ask it
Being heard and getting your way are different things, and older children can tell them apart. If the answer is no, ask for a specific example rather than defending your record, because the example is the only part you can do anything with.
What is it like for you when I lose my temper?
Why ask it
Only ask on a day when you are steady enough to hear the word 'scary'. Children describe the volume, your face and how long it lasts, and the detail they pick is the one to work on. Do not explain what set you off; they were asked what it was like, not whether it was justified.
When I apologize, does it feel real, or does it feel like a way to end the argument?
Why ask it
If it is the second, ask what a real apology would sound like to them. Often the trouble is the 'but' that follows the sorry, or a sorry that only arrives when you want the evening to move on. Leave out the 'but' next time and see whether they notice.
Do I expect too much from you, too little, or about the right amount?
Why ask it
Too much is the complaint parents brace for, but too little stings in its own way: it can mean they think you have stopped believing they can do hard things. Find out which subject, sport or chore they have in mind, because the answer is almost never about everything at once.
What is something I worry about for you that you wish I would drop?
Why ask it
You may not agree to drop it, and you do not have to. Hearing which of your worries feels like a verdict on them tells you which one to stop mentioning daily, even if you keep watching it quietly.
What do you think I am afraid of?
Why ask it
Small children say spiders or the dark, which is their own list lent to you. An older child may name money, your job, or something happening to them, and an accurate answer means your worry has been more visible than you thought. Tell them the true version in a sentence or two, sized for their age, so they are not left guessing at it.
Do you ever feel you have to look after my feelings?
Why ask it
A child who says yes is describing a job that should not be theirs: softening news, hiding their own bad days, checking your face before they speak. Thank them and say out loud that your moods are yours to handle. They will judge it by what happens the next time you are upset, not by what you said today.
Is there a time I let you down that you still think about?
Why ask it
What comes back is often a moment you do not remember at all: a missed recital, a laugh at the wrong time, a secret passed on to a relative. Their version is the one that counts here, so do not correct the details. A plain 'I am sorry that happened' does more than any account of your side.
Is there anything you have stopped telling me because of how I reacted the last time?
Why ask it
Expect a pause, and expect the first answer to be a small stand-in for the real one: a bad grade, a broken cup. How you take the small one is the test. The real one may arrive days later, in the car, if nothing bad followed the first.
What is something I am wrong about that you have not told me?
Why ask it
It gives permission to disagree with you on the record, which is a skill they will need with bosses and doctors later. If they immediately name something factual and trivial, ask whether there is a bigger one they left out.
What do you think I do not understand about your life right now?
Why ask it
Better than asking them to explain their whole world, because it points at a specific gap they have already noticed. Resist the urge to prove you do understand; the point of the answer is the gap, not the verdict on you.
Looking Ahead
What do you think you will remember about me when you are grown up?
Why ask it
Their forecast is built from what repeats, so you will hear about a habit, a smell, a phrase or a Saturday routine and not the big occasions. If you like the prediction, protect whatever it is. If you do not, there is still time to change what repeats.
What should I never stop doing, even when you are too old for it?
Why ask it
A side door into what they still need and are too proud to request. A teenager who would never ask to be tucked in may tell you to keep leaving the hall light on, or to keep sending the good luck text before a test.
Is there something I do that you hope you do with your own kids one day?
Why ask it
It lets them look at your parenting from the outside without turning it into criticism, and what they name is usually a habit: pancakes on Sunday, a song at bedtime, the way you say goodnight. A younger child may just say 'everything', which you are allowed to enjoy. Leave the opposite question, what they would do differently, for another day.
What have you already decided you will do differently when you are the grown-up?
Why ask it
Plenty of children keep a private list, and being shown one item from it is a sign of trust, not an attack. Some of it will soften once they are the one paying the bills and setting the bedtime. Ask what happened that put it on the list, and resist explaining yourself.
If you could change one thing about how I parent you, what would it be?
Why ask it
Save it for last, because it needs the trust the earlier questions build. Limiting it to one thing keeps it answerable, and whatever they choose from everything available is the item to take most seriously.
How to ask your kids about you
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to bring these up
The first two groups in a run, the rest one at a time
The warm-ups and the questions about what you are like can be asked in one sitting, and children usually enjoy being the expert on you. Everything after them is different. A string of questions about your parenting in one evening reads as a crisis, and a child will start managing you instead of answering. Ask one, let it go where it goes, and leave the rest for another week.
Write the warm-up answers down
The first group doubles as a keepsake. Ask the same handful once a year, on a birthday or on Mother's Day or Father's Day, write the answers exactly as they were said, and date the page. Do not correct a wrong age or an odd job description: the wrong answers are the ones you will want to read later.
Pick a moment with an exit
Driving, doing the dishes, walking the dog. Side by side is often easier than face to face for anything uncomfortable, and a child who can end the conversation by getting out of the car may say more while they are in it.
Your reaction to the first honest answer decides whether you get a second
The test is not whether you can hear it. It is whether nothing bad happens afterwards: no cooler tone that evening, no bringing it up at dinner, no using it in the next argument. Children check for this.
Do not fix it in the same conversation
Rushing to a solution ends the disclosure and shifts the work back onto them to reassure you. Thank them, say you want to think about it, and come back in a few days having actually changed something small.
Adjust for age
Under about eight, stay with the first two groups and the lighter questions about the two of you, and expect literal answers. Teenagers can take the whole list, but they trade honesty for privacy, so do not pass on what they say to another adult without asking first, unless it is about their safety.
What goes wrong
Defending the record
Explaining why you did the thing they just described is the fastest way to end the conversation. You can hold your position later; in the moment, the only useful response is to ask for more detail.
Fishing for reassurance
If the questions are really a request to be told you are a good parent, children can tell, and they will oblige with something flattering and useless. Ask only the ones you can survive an honest answer to.
Turning the answer into a negotiation
A complaint about a rule is not a request to change the rule tonight. Separate hearing it from deciding it, and say clearly which one you are doing.
Asking in front of an audience
Siblings, grandparents, and dinner tables all change what a child is willing to say. These land properly one to one.
Asking a hard one straight after an argument
A question about your temper or your apologies, put ten minutes after a fight, is heard as round two. Wait for a day when nothing is at stake, and say that you are asking because you want to know, not because of last night.