Questions to Ask Your Kids About You
Questions that turn the usual direction around and ask your child what you are like to live with, from what you repeat without noticing to what they have stopped telling you. Ordered from light to genuinely uncomfortable, for kids old enough to give an honest answer.
The questions
Open any question for the note
When you picture me at my happiest, what am I doing?
Why ask it
Children read mood from a distance and are rarely wrong about it. If the picture they describe is something you almost never do any more, or if it involves other people and not them, that is worth sitting with.
What do I say so often that you could say it before I do?
Why ask it
A gentle way in, and usually funny, but you are also being handed a list of the phrases that define you in their head. Most parents are surprised by which one comes first.
What do you think I was like at your age?
Why ask it
Their guess reveals how much of you they have actually been told, and how much they have filled in with a stereotype of parents in general. It also gives you an obvious opening to correct the record with a real story.
What is something you like about me that has nothing to do with being a parent?
Why ask it
Kids often only see the role, not the person, and this asks them to look past it. Difficulty answering is not a rejection; it usually means they have never had a reason to think of you as a separate person.
Is there something you wish we did together that we never do?
Why ask it
Almost always something smaller and cheaper than a parent expects, and often something you already turned down once without registering it. Ask when they last wanted to bring it up.
When you have good news, who do you want to tell first, and why?
Why ask it
This asks about your place in their ranking without putting you on the spot to be first. If you are not near the top, the reason matters more than the position: being busy, reacting too big, and turning news into a lecture all get you dropped for different reasons.
Is there a way I embarrass you that I probably do not notice?
Why ask it
Some of this is just adolescence and not fixable. But buried in the answer there is often one specific thing, a joke you make in front of their friends, a way you talk to their teachers, that you could stop tomorrow at no cost.
Which rule in our house do you think is fair, and which one do you think is not?
Why ask it
Asking for both keeps it from becoming a list of complaints and shows you which rules have their consent. A rule they cannot explain the reason for is a rule they will break the moment you are not watching.
When I am working or on my phone, how does that come across to you?
Why ask it
Kids do not see the content of what you are doing, only the closed face and the delayed answer. What comes back is often that they read it as irritation or disinterest rather than as work.
Do I ask you too many questions, not enough, or about the wrong things?
Why ask it
Parents often ask a lot and still miss, because the questions are about logistics and homework. Their answer tells you whether the problem is volume or topic, which are opposite fixes.
When something goes wrong at school, do you expect me to be angry, worried, or on your side?
Why ask it
Their expectation, accurate or not, is what decides whether they tell you the next time. Worry can be as discouraging as anger here, because a child who anticipates panic will handle it alone to protect you.
Do you feel like I hear your side before I make a decision?
Why ask it
Being heard and getting your way are different things, and older children can tell them apart. If the answer is no, ask for a specific example rather than defending your record, because the example is the only part you can do anything with.
When I apologize, does it feel real, or does it feel like a way to end the argument?
Why ask it
This is the question most parents least want answered, and the one with the clearest payoff. An apology heard as a closing move teaches them that saying sorry is a procedure, and you will see that come back at you within the week.
What is something I worry about for you that you wish I would drop?
Why ask it
You may not agree to drop it, and you do not have to. Hearing which of your worries feels like a verdict on them tells you which one to stop mentioning daily, even if you keep watching it quietly.
What do you think I am afraid of?
Why ask it
Children track a parent's fears closely, often more closely than the parent realises, and frequently take on the job of managing them. A specific and accurate answer suggests they have been carrying it for a while.
Is there anything you have stopped telling me because of how I reacted the last time?
Why ask it
This is the load-bearing question of the whole set. Expect a pause, and expect the first answer to be a small stand-in for the real one; the real one may arrive days later, if your response to the small one was calm.
What is something I am wrong about that you have not told me?
Why ask it
It gives permission to disagree with you on the record, which is a skill they will need with bosses and doctors later. If they immediately name something factual and trivial, ask whether there is a bigger one they left out.
What do you think I do not understand about your life right now?
Why ask it
Better than asking them to explain their whole world, because it points at a specific gap they have already noticed. Resist the urge to prove you do understand; the point of the answer is the gap, not the verdict on you.
Is there something I do that you hope you do with your own kids one day?
Why ask it
It asks them to judge your parenting from the outside without turning it into criticism, and what they name is usually a habit rather than an event. This is also the one answer parents tend to remember for years.
If you could change one thing about how I parent you, what would it be?
Why ask it
Save it for last, because it needs the trust the earlier questions build. Limiting it to one thing keeps it answerable, and whatever they choose from everything available is the item to take most seriously.
Asking your own child for feedback
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to bring these up
One at a time, not as a sitting
Twenty questions about your parenting in one evening reads as a crisis, and a child will start managing you rather than answering. Ask one, let it go where it goes, and leave the rest for another week.
Pick a moment with an exit
Driving, washing up, walking the dog. Side by side beats face to face for anything uncomfortable, and a child who can end the conversation by getting out of the car will usually say more while they are in it.
Your reaction to the first honest answer decides whether you get a second
The test is not whether you can hear it. It is whether nothing bad happens afterwards: no cooler tone that evening, no bringing it up at dinner, no using it in the next argument. Children check for this.
Do not fix it in the same conversation
Rushing to a solution ends the disclosure and shifts the work back onto them to reassure you. Thank them, say you want to think about it, and come back in a few days having actually changed something small.
Adjust for age
Under about eight, stick to the concrete ones near the top and expect literal answers. Teenagers can handle the whole list, but will trade honesty only for privacy, so do not repeat what they say to the other parent without asking first.
What goes wrong
Defending the record
Explaining why you did the thing they just described is the fastest way to end the conversation. You can hold your position later; in the moment, the only useful response is to ask for more detail.
Fishing for reassurance
If the questions are really a request to be told you are a good parent, children can tell, and they will oblige with something flattering and useless. Ask only the ones you can survive an honest answer to.
Turning the answer into a negotiation
A complaint about a rule is not a request to change the rule tonight. Separate hearing it from deciding it, and say clearly which one you are doing.
Asking in front of an audience
Siblings, grandparents, and dinner tables all change what a child is willing to say. These land properly one to one.