Questions to Ask Your New Friends
Questions to ask a new friend: someone you have only recently started spending time with, such as a classmate, a colleague, a neighbor or a friend of a friend. They run from everyday openers for a first coffee (free time, work, what they are watching) through interests, funny ones and their story to deeper questions worth saving until the friendship is clearly going somewhere, and end with how the two of you like to keep in touch.
Want questions from the whole vault instead? Try the random question generator.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
What do you like to do in your free time?
Why ask it
The plainest question on the list and a dependable place to start, since it takes no thought to answer. Listen for anything the two of you could do together, and ask how they got into whichever thing they name first.
How did you end up living here?
Why ask it
Almost everyone who moved has a story, and it usually contains a job, a relationship or a family decision that is worth following up on. If they were born here, ask what has kept them.
What do you do for work, and what's the part nobody would guess?
Why ask it
The job title alone tends to close the subject. The part nobody would guess gets you the odd customers, the paperwork or the 5am starts. For a student or a parent at home, swap 'work' for 'your days'.
What are you watching at the moment?
Why ask it
A show you both follow gives you something to message about between meet-ups, and one you haven't seen gives them something to recommend. If they hardly watch anything, ask what fills their evenings instead.
What's been keeping you busy lately?
Why ask it
A low-stakes opener that works anywhere, because 'busy' can mean a job, a house move or a new puppy. Whatever they mention first is where their attention is going right now, and it is the thing to ask after next time.
What does a good Saturday look like for you?
Why ask it
The answer is a list of things you could invite them to: a market, a long run, a film, nothing at all before noon. It also shows whether they recharge alone or in company.
What could you talk about for an hour without getting bored?
Why ask it
A step past the free-time question. It gives them permission to go on about sourdough or a football club's transfer dealings, and you see what they are like once they stop being polite and start being interested.
What's the best thing you've eaten around here lately?
Why ask it
Anyone can answer it, and the answer comes with a place name. 'I've never been' leads straight to 'shall we go', which is where most early questions are trying to get.
Do you have any pets?
Why ask it
A yes tends to come with a name, a photo and a story about something that got chewed. A no deserves a follow-up as well: did they grow up with animals, and would they have one if the landlord or their hours allowed?
Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Why ask it
Small talk with a practical use. You find out whether to suggest an early walk or a late film, and at what hour a message from you is welcome.
Are you a coffee person or a tea person, and how do you take it?
Why ask it
Trivial on purpose. By the second meeting you can turn up with the right cup already in hand, and someone who drinks neither will tell you what they order instead.
How do you know the other people here?
Why ask it
Made for a party, a class or a friend-of-a-friend dinner. It finds the mutual friend quickly, and if they came knowing nobody, you have found the other person who would like someone to stand with.
What got you into this in the first place?
Why ask it
For a friend you met at a class, a club, a team or a new job. The activity is the one thing you already share, and the reason behind it tends to be a better story than the activity: a dare, a doctor's nudge, a friend who quit after week one.
What do you miss most about the last place you lived?
Why ask it
What people miss is rarely the place itself. It's a bakery, a walking route or four particular people, and that tells you what they are hoping to find again here. If you know a local stand-in for any of it, offer to show them.
Interests
What's the last book you really enjoyed?
Why ask it
Readers brighten at this and non-readers say so cheerfully, in which case swap in a podcast or a long article. If it sounds good, ask to borrow it: a lent book has to be handed back, and that is another meeting.
What food could you happily eat every week?
Why ask it
More use to you than a single favorite dish, because it says what to cook if they come over and which kind of place to book. Ask at the same moment whether there is anything they can't or won't eat, and remember it.
Where would you go if you could travel anywhere next?
Why ask it
Find out what the pull is: the food, a landscape, relatives they have never met, somewhere they saw in a film. If the place is within reach, you have a possible travel companion, or at least someone to swap tips with.
What's the last thing you got obsessed with?
Why ask it
A favorite film is a settled answer. An obsession, even a three-week one with chess or a single band, shows how they get interested in things, and whether they pull everyone around them in as well.
What are you into that you're slightly embarrassed about?
Why ask it
It asks for a small confession: reality TV, a boy band, model trains. Offer yours first or it lands as a test, and don't laugh harder at theirs than they do.
What have you watched or read more times than you'd admit?
Why ask it
A comfort rewatch is what they reach for when they're tired, which whatever they are following this month won't tell you. If you know it too, you already have a set of jokes in common.
What would be playing if I borrowed your headphones right now?
Why ask it
'What music do you like' makes people edit the answer. What is really queued up is more honest, and a podcast, a film score or one song on repeat all count.
What's the best concert or live show you've ever been to?
Why ask it
The story usually has more in it than the music: who they went with, how they got tickets, what went wrong on the way home. If nothing comes to mind, try a match, a play or a comedy night and see which one they lean into.
What are you good at that hasn't come up yet?
Why ask it
A new friend only knows the slice of you they met you in. This gives them room to mention the piano, the bread or the second language without it sounding like showing off.
Is there a sport, game or team you actually care about?
Why ask it
'Actually' lets people say no without apologizing. A yes hands you a standing reason to meet: a match on TV, a board game night, a weekly run.
What do you spend money on without a second thought, and what do you refuse to pay for?
Why ask it
Concert tickets but never a taxi, good coffee but never parking. It's a quick and funny map of what they value, and it stops you suggesting the pricey restaurant to someone who would sooner put the money toward a gig.
What do you like doing that none of your friends are up for?
Why ask it
This is the gap a new friend can fill. If it's something you'd enjoy as well, say so on the spot, because an invitation does not come much easier than that.
What would you like to do more of but never get round to?
Why ask it
Listen for what is in the way. Time and money you can't do much about, but 'I don't want to turn up to a class on my own' is a problem a new friend solves just by coming along.
What's one thing on your bucket list?
Why ask it
Asking for one keeps it from turning into a recital. Notice whether theirs is on another continent or around the corner, because the small ones, a particular band or learning to swim properly, are the kind a friend can help make happen.
Funny
What's your biggest pet peeve?
Why ask it
Slow walkers, loud chewing, anyone who replies-all. Complaining together about something harmless is quick bonding, and now and then you get fair warning about a habit of your own.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Why ask it
An old standby, and the reasoning is what gives people away: one wants to fly, one wants to stop time long enough for a nap, one wants to read minds and thinks better of it halfway through the sentence. Pick a useless power yourself and defend it.
What always makes you laugh?
Why ask it
It might be a person, a clip they have seen forty times or one particular kind of bad joke. Get them to show you or tell it, and you will know quickly whether the two of you find the same things funny.
What's the least useful thing you still know by heart?
Why ask it
An old phone number, an advertising jingle, every word of one song from when they were eleven. Ask for a demonstration. Reciting it is half the fun, and nobody loses any dignity.
What small thing will you argue about to the bitter end?
Why ask it
Arguing about nothing, such as how to load a dishwasher or whether cereal counts as dinner, is a quick way to learn whether the two of you can disagree and still enjoy it. Take the opposite side on purpose and see.
What's the worst job you've ever had, and what story do you tell about it?
Why ask it
Bad jobs age into good stories. You also hear how they talk about people who treated them badly, whether with a laugh or with a grudge they are still carrying.
What do you do with complete confidence and no skill?
Why ask it
Whether it's dancing, parking, karaoke or giving directions, the answer is a small piece of self-mockery. It also tells you which activities will be funnier with them than with someone who is good at them.
What would you name a pet you're never going to get?
Why ask it
Plenty of people have a name saved up. A rabbit called Kevin or a very small dog called Tank tells you a fair amount about their sense of humor.
What's your star sign, and do you think it fits you?
Why ask it
Believers will explain why it fits and skeptics will explain why it's nonsense, and both versions are entertaining. You also come away knowing roughly when their birthday is, so ask for the date and put it in your phone.
Which app would you be most embarrassed to see your screen time for?
Why ask it
Hardly anyone is proud of the number, so the confession costs little. The answer, a word game or a property site full of houses they'll never buy, is usually more endearing than they expect.
What were you far too competitive about as a kid?
Why ask it
Find out whether it has worn off before you suggest a quiz night or a friendly game of anything. The answers are small and fierce: spelling tests, a board game, who got the front seat of the car.
If we joined a trivia team tonight, which round would you carry and which would you sink?
Why ask it
A playful way to hear what they know cold and what they'll cheerfully admit to knowing nothing about. It also happens to be a good plan for a second or third meet-up.
Their story
What's your hometown like, and what is it known for?
Why ask it
People tend to be fiercely loyal to where they come from or cheerfully rude about it, and either way they are the expert. What it's known for is often a festival, a factory or one famous person who left.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Why ask it
Oldest, youngest, middle or only: where someone comes in the line-up is a thing they have usually thought about, and an easy way into talk about family. Families can be complicated, so treat a short answer as a cue to move on.
What were you known for in your family growing up?
Why ask it
The loud one, the peacemaker, the one who could never be got out of bed. You only know the current version of them, and people enjoy saying which parts of the old reputation were fair.
What's your favorite memory from when you were a kid?
Why ask it
Expect something small, like a grandparent's kitchen, a bike or one long summer. Asking for a favorite lets them choose a happy one, which matters while you still know nothing about how their childhood went.
Where did you go to school, and what were you like there?
Why ask it
School names mean little unless you grew up nearby, so lean on the second part: the studious one, the class clown, the kid who lived in the art room. If you are classmates now, ask about the school before this one and whether they have changed since.
What was the first thing you were properly good at?
Why ask it
It usually goes back to childhood: a sport, drawing, making the class laugh. Whether they kept it up or let it go is a story in itself, and 'who noticed first' is the follow-up that brings in a parent or a teacher.
What did you want to do when you were fifteen?
Why ask it
Easier and funnier than asking about ambitions now. Vet, footballer, anything involving a band: ask what happened to the plan, and whether any piece of it survives in what they do today.
Who is your oldest friend, and how has that one lasted?
Why ask it
They get to talk about someone they love, and the second half shows what they think keeps a friendship going: living nearby, a group chat, one of them always being the one to call.
Who do you know who's good at something unusual?
Why ask it
People like boasting on someone else's behalf, so you'll hear about a cousin who restores clocks or a colleague who competes at darts. It is an easy first look at who is in their life, and now and then it is someone you end up meeting.
What tradition from your family or hometown do you still keep?
Why ask it
A dish, a holiday ritual, a phrase nobody else uses. It lets someone tell you about their background on their own terms, which is kinder than asking where they are 'really' from.
Where's the best place you've ever traveled, and what made it?
Why ask it
The second half is the useful part: the place, the company or the thing that went wrong. Whether they like a schedule or prefer to wander is worth knowing before the two of you go anywhere together.
Who's had the biggest effect on how you think?
Why ask it
The name tells you little on its own, whether it's a parent, a teacher or a writer they never met. Ask for one thing that person said or did that stuck, and you hear what they believe and where they got it.
Deeper
What's something most people don't know about you?
Why ask it
A classic of getting to know someone, and better a few meetings in than in the first five minutes, when it can feel like a request for a party trick. Whatever they choose, a twin, an earlier career or a fear of pigeons, is theirs to tell, so don't pass it on.
What are you most proud of?
Why ask it
Give them a moment. The first answer tends to be the official one, a qualification or a promotion, and the one that follows is often closer to the truth. Resist topping it with something of your own, and ask what it took.
What are you working toward at the moment?
Why ask it
An exam, a race, saving for a deposit: a goal explains where their time and money are going, so a run of 'I can't that week' won't feel personal. Ask what the next step is, which is easier to talk about than a finish line that is months away.
What would your dream job be if money didn't matter?
Why ask it
What someone would do with no salary to think about is often nowhere near what they do now, and the distance between the two is the interesting part. Ask what they'd miss about their current work if they made the jump.
What change have you made in the last few years that you'd make again?
Why ask it
People are proud of these and seldom asked. A move, a job they left, a habit they dropped: you learn what their life looked like before you arrived in it.
What's the best advice you've been given, and did you take it?
Why ask it
Without the second half you get a slogan. With it you get a story: who said it, what was going on at the time, and whether they listened then or only worked out it was right a few years later.
What have you changed your mind about?
Why ask it
It shows whether they can hold a position lightly. A small answer, such as olives or country music, is as good as a big one. An answer that is entirely about other people being wrong is worth noticing.
What are you glad you did, even though it didn't work out?
Why ask it
The answer might be a move that lasted eight months or a business that folded. Listen for whether they judge it by how it ended or by whether it was worth trying, and expect a better story than a question about achievements would get you.
What did you have to teach yourself?
Why ask it
Expect something ordinary, such as cooking, handling money or being on time, said with more pride than anything they were taught. It can also point at what nobody showed them growing up, so let them decide how much of that to explain.
What would you tell your younger self?
Why ask it
Ask which age they are picturing, because it is often the year something was hard. The advice is usually kind, 'it works out' or 'stop worrying what they think', and it shows you what they have made their peace with.
What do you find hard that other people seem to find easy?
Why ask it
A quiet invitation to be honest, and it tells you what not to arrange: big groups, phone calls, early mornings.
What do you worry about more than you probably should?
Why ask it
'More than you should' keeps it light enough to answer honestly. Don't try to argue them out of it. Offer one of your own and leave it there.
What do people usually get wrong about you?
Why ask it
You are being told how not to misread them: the quiet one who is taken for unfriendly, the joker nobody thinks is serious. It works best after a few meetings, when you can admit which wrong impression you had formed yourself.
What's been the hardest year you've had?
Why ask it
Only worth asking once there is some trust. Too early, and you get a summary and an awkward pause in place of an account. When they do tell you, listen without trying to fix it or to match it with a year of your own.
Friendship
What do you look for in a friend?
Why ask it
Worth asking plainly, since it is the question underneath all the others here. Some people name qualities, like honesty or being easy company, and others name behavior, like turning up and replying. The second kind is something you can simply do.
How would your closest friends describe you?
Why ask it
Borrowing their friends' voices lets them say things that would sound boastful or too harsh in their own. You'll get something like 'loud, late and loyal'. Ask which of the words they would argue with.
Would you call yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
Why ask it
The labels are blunt, but they save guesswork about whether a party or a walk for two is the kinder invitation. 'A bit of both' is a common answer, so ask what tips them one way or the other.
Do you find making new friends easy, or does it take you a while?
Why ask it
Saying it out loud takes the awkwardness out of two people trying to become friends. If they say it takes a while, you know not to read a slow start as a lack of interest.
Are you a texter, a caller or a 'see you when I see you' person?
Why ask it
Saves weeks of misreading. A slow reply from someone who warned you they are bad at texting means nothing, while the same silence with no warning feels like a no.
Do you like plans made a week ahead, or a message that same afternoon?
Why ask it
Planners can feel ambushed by 'are you free now', and spontaneous people can feel trapped by a date set three weeks out. Knowing which one you have makes the second and third meet-ups far easier to arrange.
How often do you like to see the people you're close to?
Why ask it
Some people want a weekly fixture and others turn up happily after three months. Neither is wrong, but each can read the other as too much or not bothered, so it helps to hear their number early.
How do you spend your time when you're on your own?
Why ask it
How they say it matters more than what they do. Someone who guards their quiet evenings wants notice before you suggest anything, and someone who is hoping the phone will buzz would be glad of a last-minute invitation.
What usually happens when you lose touch with someone?
Why ask it
It's an honest look at how their friendships fade: a busy stretch, a move, being bad at replying. It also tells you what to do if this one goes quiet, which is to be the one who messages first for a while.
When has a friend really come through for you?
Why ask it
The answer shows what care looks like to them: the ride to the airport, the soup, the long phone call. Treat it as a quiet guide to what would matter if they ever needed you.
Who do you wish lived closer?
Why ask it
You hear who matters to them, perhaps a sibling or an old roommate, and how much of their circle is a phone call away. Someone whose people are all elsewhere may have more room for a friend nearby than they let on.
What should a new friend know about you early on?
Why ask it
It lets them hand you the manual: I go quiet when I'm busy, I'm blunt, I'm always ten minutes late. Believe what they tell you, and don't take the quiet spells personally later.
What have you got coming up that I should ask you about next time?
Why ask it
A good one to finish on, because it assumes there will be a next time. Note the date of the exam, the trip or the interview, and send a message afterward to ask how it went.
What should we do next time that isn't coffee?
Why ask it
It swaps 'we should do this again' for an actual plan, and moves the friendship out of the one setting you have met in. If they name something, agree on a day before you say goodbye.
Turning acquaintances into friends
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to ask
Take one group at a time
The list is long so that you can choose, not so that you can get through it. Pick two or three from one group before you meet, and let the conversation go wherever their answers take it.
Answer your own question
A new friendship is a trade, not an interview. Give your own answer before or straight after theirs, and keep it about as long as theirs was.
Follow up on the detail, not the topic
If they mention a half-marathon, ask about the training and the bad week, not about running in general. Specific follow-ups are what make people feel heard.
Leave some questions unasked
Leaving something unasked is a reason to meet again. A conversation that covers everything can feel oddly finished.
Pacing
- First meeting: Openers and Interests. What they do with their time, how they got here, what they enjoy.
- Whenever the talk goes flat: one from Funny. Laughing at the same thing gets a new friendship further than a serious answer given too soon.
- Second or third meeting: Their story. Hometown, family, the people around them.
- Once you have met a few times: the first half of Deeper. What they are proud of, what they are working toward, changes they have made and changes of mind.
- Later: what they worry about, what people get wrong about them, the hardest year. Each needs some trust behind it.
- As soon as you want to see them again: Friendship. How they like to be contacted, how far ahead they plan and how often they like to meet.
- Over text between meet-ups: Interests and Funny travel well. Keep Deeper for when you are in the same room.
- At any point: a concrete invitation. Questions build interest, plans build friendships.
Where it goes wrong
The interrogation
Question after question with nothing given back feels like a screening. Two or three good ones per conversation is plenty.
Depth too early
Asking about someone's worst year in the first hour usually produces a flattened, polite answer and some regret on both sides.
Never converting talk into plans
Plenty of promising friendships stall at 'we should do something sometime'. Name a specific day, and if you need a way in, the last question on the list is there for that.