Questions to Ask Your Parents Before They Die
Questions for adult children who want both halves of the conversation with an ageing parent: the memories and family history that only they hold, and the practical wishes, documents and instructions that are hard to ask about later.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
What was your childhood like, and who was in the house with you?
Why ask it
An easy opening that also builds the family map, since siblings, lodgers and relatives who lived there often go unrecorded. Names mentioned here are worth writing down for later questions.
What do you remember about me that I would not remember myself?
Why ask it
Your first years exist only in their memory. Asking for what you cannot know yourself, rather than for favourite memories, tends to produce something specific rather than fond.
What are you proudest of, and what do you think went unnoticed?
Why ask it
The second half matters. Work, caring for someone, or holding a family together often goes unacknowledged, and naming it is one of the few things you can still give them.
What was your own relationship with your parents like at the end of their lives?
Why ask it
How they experienced their parents' last years shapes what they expect and fear about their own. It often surfaces a specific thing they want done differently, without you having to ask about dying directly.
What do you know about our family's medical history?
Why ask it
Ages of diagnosis, causes of death and conditions that recur are practical information for you and your children, and they are frequently lost with one generation. Ask which relatives it applied to, not just the names of the illnesses.
Which family stories or names should not be allowed to disappear?
Why ask it
Letting them choose what matters produces a shorter and truer list than trying to record everything. Ask who else can confirm each story, because a second source is what makes it survive.
Are there photographs you can identify that nobody else can?
Why ask it
An unlabelled box becomes unusable within a generation. Do this one with the photographs in your hands and write on the back in pencil as they talk.
What did you go through that you kept from us at the time?
Why ask it
Many parents have been carrying a job loss, a debt, an illness or a near-separation privately for decades. Expect to hear it once, plainly, without much elaboration.
What advice do you have that you have never given me because I did not ask?
Why ask it
Parents hold back for fear of interfering. This gives explicit permission, and what comes out is usually more specific than the general advice they offer unprompted.
What do you want us to keep doing after you are gone, and what would you rather we let go of?
Why ask it
Giving them the second half spares the family from preserving traditions out of obligation. It also settles arguments in advance about what honouring them looks like.
Which recipes, objects or tools should stay in the family, and who should have them?
Why ask it
Specific instructions prevent the disputes that follow. Write down the item, the person and the reason, because the reason is what makes the arrangement stick.
Where are your important documents kept, and who else knows?
Why ask it
Will, deeds, insurance, pensions, account details, passwords. Families lose money and months to information that was never written down, and the practical answer is a single sealed list with a named location.
Do you have a will, and is it current?
Why ask it
Ask plainly whether one exists, where it is, and who the executor is. An out-of-date will after a move, a remarriage or a death in the family can cause more difficulty than none at all.
Who do you want making decisions for you if you cannot make them yourself?
Why ask it
This is a question about a named person and a signed document, not a preference. If the answer is not written down, the decision may fall to whoever is present, which is rarely what anyone intended.
How much medical treatment would you want if you were seriously ill?
Why ask it
Their answer needs to reach their doctor and their next of kin, not only you. Ask what matters more to them, length of life or comfort, and ask them to say it to the person who holds the paperwork.
Where would you want to be cared for if you could not stay at home?
Why ask it
Knowing whether they have thought about it, and what they would find intolerable, is what allows a family to act quickly later. If they have not thought about it, this is the useful first pass.
What do you want to happen after you die: burial, cremation, a service, none of it?
Why ask it
Families make these decisions in the first forty-eight hours, exhausted and guessing. Asking now means the choice is theirs, and anything already arranged or prepaid should be written down with it.
Is there anyone you would want contacted, or not contacted?
Why ask it
Old friends, colleagues and estranged relatives are often unreachable once the person who knew them is gone. Ask for names and any contact details they still have.
Is there anything unresolved that you would like help with while there is time?
Why ask it
This may be a letter, a phone call, a debt, or seeing someone once more. Some parents will say no; those who say yes are usually naming something they cannot manage without help.
Is there anything you have wanted to say to me and have not?
Why ask it
Ask it last, and say nothing after it for a while. Whether the answer is a few words or nothing at all, it does not need to be improved on.
How far back can you trace where our family came from?
Why ask it
The answer may stop after two generations, and that limit is worth recording too. Ask what physical records exist rather than relying on memory: certificates, photographs, letters, an old address book.
Who in the family do you wish I had met?
Why ask it
Opens the generations behind you without requiring a family tree. Note who they choose, since the person they name is usually someone whose influence on them was never explained to you.
Who in the family am I most like?
Why ask it
Comparisons inside families are usually made out of earshot. Asking directly gets you a name, sometimes a relative you never met, and a description of a trait you may recognise.
What did you keep from your own parents, and what did you deliberately drop?
Why ask it
Separates inheritance from choice. Hearing what they decided not to repeat often explains the specific ways they raised you that made no sense at the time.
What do you understand about your own parents now that you didn't at the time?
Why ask it
This is the question most likely to produce something a parent has never said aloud. Understanding tends to arrive late, often after their own parents died, and it shapes how they judge their own choices.
Is there anything in the family we don't talk about?
Why ask it
Silences usually concern a death, an illness, money, or a birth outside a marriage. If the answer is that there is nothing, leave it and ask again in another conversation rather than pressing now.
What were you like at my age?
Why ask it
Puts you both on the same footing for a moment. Parents often reveal insecurities here that they hid while raising you, which reframes decisions you may have resented.
What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
Wages and prices anchor a life in its era, and the answer usually carries a detail about hours, a supervisor, or the journey to work. It is also a light question for a day when nothing heavier is possible.
How did you decide what to do for a living, and would you choose it again?
Why ask it
Most people of an older generation had far less choice than the question implies, and saying so is part of the answer. Expect ambivalence rather than a verdict.
How did the two of you meet, and what did you make of each other at first?
Why ask it
Couples usually hold two versions of this story and enjoy correcting each other. Asking what they first thought, rather than how they met, gets you past the version you were raised on.
Was there someone you loved before the person you settled down with?
Why ask it
Some parents will decline this, and the refusal should be accepted without comment. Those who answer often want to name a person whose existence has never been mentioned at home.
What was your life like just before you had children?
Why ask it
These are the years children know least about, because nobody in the family was there to witness them. Answers often explain a decision that shaped everything that came afterwards.
What do you remember about the day I was born?
Why ask it
An easy first question with a fixed answer, and it usually carries details you have never heard: who drove, what the weather did, who was not told. It also puts them in the position of knowing more than you do.
Was there a decision that changed the direction of your life?
Why ask it
People rarely narrate their own lives as a sequence of choices, so the framing tends to catch them off guard in a useful way. Watch for the decision they describe as luck, which is often the one they have thought about most.
Which year of your life would you live again?
Why ask it
Less abstract than asking about the best years, and the choice is rarely the obvious one. People tend to pick a year of ordinary contentment rather than the year of the achievement everyone else remembers.
What was the hardest year for you, and what got you through it?
Why ask it
Ask this once trust is established, not early. What they name as help, a person, work, faith, stubbornness, tells you what they actually rely on.
When were you most afraid?
Why ask it
Fear produces specifics where courage produces cliché. Expect an answer about illness, money, or a child, and expect it to take a minute to surface. Silence after this question is usually thinking, not refusal.
What did you want that you didn't get?
Why ask it
Regret is easier to talk about than loss. Answers tend to name an education, a job, a place, or a person, and they often explain what your parent pushed you towards or away from.
What did you believe at thirty that you do not believe now?
Why ask it
Invites a real answer about change without requiring a confession. If they say nothing has changed, ask what they have become more certain about instead.
What do you want me to know about your health, and who else knows it?
Why ask it
Better asked plainly than circled. You want the diagnoses, the consultants, the medication, and which of your siblings has already been told, so that nobody is working from a different version.
Is there anyone you would want to speak to, or write to, while there is time?
Why ask it
A practical question disguised as a reflective one. Estranged siblings and old friends come up often, and someone in the family may be able to arrange the call.
Is there anything you want to hear from me?
Why ask it
The reverse of the previous question, and often the one that matters most to them. Some will ask to be told they were a good parent; decide in advance how you will answer honestly.
What do you want me to stop worrying about?
Why ask it
Dying parents frequently carry anxiety about a particular child or an unresolved family matter. Naming it out loud sometimes lets them set it down.
What should we do on your birthday next year?
Why ask it
Gives them a hand in what happens after, which some find comforting and others decline. If it lands badly, drop it, and do not raise it again.
What do you want me to tell my children about you?
Why ask it
A good closing question, because it assumes continuation rather than ending. Write the answer down in their words that same day; paraphrases lose what makes it theirs.
Having these conversations
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to raise it
Say why you are asking
An unexplained question about wills or funerals sounds like a verdict on their health. Naming the reason plainly, that you would rather know their wishes than guess at them, is usually enough.
Separate the two conversations
Memories and paperwork do not sit well in one sitting. Keep the practical questions to their own conversation, and consider doing them at a table with the documents present.
Bring one sibling in, and tell the others
Decisions made privately by one adult child create years of friction. Agree in advance who is asking, then share what you learn in writing with everyone.
Accept a partial answer
Some parents will answer three questions and close the subject. Take the three, write them down, and leave the rest for another day rather than finishing the list.
What to write down and where
- The location of the will and the name of the executor, plus the solicitor or firm if there is one.
- Whether there is a power of attorney or equivalent, who holds it, and whether it covers health as well as finances.
- Accounts, pensions, insurance policies and any prepaid funeral arrangements, with the institution named.
- Medical history: conditions, ages of diagnosis, and which relatives they applied to.
- Their stated wishes about treatment and care, in their words, with a note of who else has been told.
- Names and contact details of people they would want informed.
- Keep one copy with them and one with you, and tell your siblings where both are.
Common pitfalls
Asking while they are unwell in hospital
Fear, medication and a lack of privacy make it the worst setting for planning. If it cannot wait, ask only what has to be decided now and leave the rest.
Reassuring them out of the answer
Saying that they will be fine for years ends the conversation. If they are willing to talk about dying, follow them there rather than steering them back.
Recording without asking
A recording made without permission can undo their willingness to talk at all. Ask first, and offer to stop at any point.
Leaving it to the sibling who lives nearest
Proximity is not consent, and the default arrangement is where most family resentment begins. Decide together who does what while there is nothing urgent to decide.