Questions to Ask Your Parents Before They Die
Questions for adult children who want both halves of the conversation with an ageing parent: the memories and family history that only they hold, and the practical wishes, documents and instructions that are hard to ask about later.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What was your childhood like, and who was in the house with you?
Why ask it
An easy opening that also builds the family map, since siblings, lodgers and relatives who lived there often go unrecorded. Names mentioned here are worth writing down for later questions.
What do you remember about me that I would not remember myself?
Why ask it
Your first years exist only in their memory. Asking for what you cannot know yourself, rather than for favourite memories, tends to produce something specific rather than fond.
What are you proudest of, and what do you think went unnoticed?
Why ask it
The second half matters. Work, caring for someone, or holding a family together often goes unacknowledged, and naming it is one of the few things you can still give them.
What was your own relationship with your parents like at the end of their lives?
Why ask it
How they experienced their parents' last years shapes what they expect and fear about their own. It often surfaces a specific thing they want done differently, without you having to ask about dying directly.
What do you know about our family's medical history?
Why ask it
Ages of diagnosis, causes of death and conditions that recur are practical information for you and your children, and they are frequently lost with one generation. Ask which relatives it applied to, not just the names of the illnesses.
Which family stories or names should not be allowed to disappear?
Why ask it
Letting them choose what matters produces a shorter and truer list than trying to record everything. Ask who else can confirm each story, because a second source is what makes it survive.
Are there photographs you can identify that nobody else can?
Why ask it
An unlabelled box becomes unusable within a generation. Do this one with the photographs in your hands and write on the back in pencil as they talk.
What did you go through that you kept from us at the time?
Why ask it
Many parents have been carrying a job loss, a debt, an illness or a near-separation privately for decades. Expect to hear it once, plainly, without much elaboration.
What advice do you have that you have never given me because I did not ask?
Why ask it
Parents hold back for fear of interfering. This gives explicit permission, and what comes out is usually more specific than the general advice they offer unprompted.
What do you want us to keep doing after you are gone, and what would you rather we let go of?
Why ask it
Giving them the second half spares the family from preserving traditions out of obligation. It also settles arguments in advance about what honouring them looks like.
Which recipes, objects or tools should stay in the family, and who should have them?
Why ask it
Specific instructions prevent the disputes that follow. Write down the item, the person and the reason, because the reason is what makes the arrangement stick.
Where are your important documents kept, and who else knows?
Why ask it
Will, deeds, insurance, pensions, account details, passwords. Families lose money and months to information that was never written down, and the practical answer is a single sealed list with a named location.
Do you have a will, and is it current?
Why ask it
Ask plainly whether one exists, where it is, and who the executor is. An out-of-date will after a move, a remarriage or a death in the family can cause more difficulty than none at all.
Who do you want making decisions for you if you cannot make them yourself?
Why ask it
This is a question about a named person and a signed document, not a preference. If the answer is not written down, the decision may fall to whoever is present, which is rarely what anyone intended.
How much medical treatment would you want if you were seriously ill?
Why ask it
Their answer needs to reach their doctor and their next of kin, not only you. Ask what matters more to them, length of life or comfort, and ask them to say it to the person who holds the paperwork.
Where would you want to be cared for if you could not stay at home?
Why ask it
Knowing whether they have thought about it, and what they would find intolerable, is what allows a family to act quickly later. If they have not thought about it, this is the useful first pass.
What do you want to happen after you die: burial, cremation, a service, none of it?
Why ask it
Families make these decisions in the first forty-eight hours, exhausted and guessing. Asking now means the choice is theirs, and anything already arranged or prepaid should be written down with it.
Is there anyone you would want contacted, or not contacted?
Why ask it
Old friends, colleagues and estranged relatives are often unreachable once the person who knew them is gone. Ask for names and any contact details they still have.
Is there anything unresolved that you would like help with while there is time?
Why ask it
This may be a letter, a phone call, a debt, or seeing someone once more. Some parents will say no; those who say yes are usually naming something they cannot manage without help.
Is there anything you have wanted to say to me and have not?
Why ask it
Ask it last, and say nothing after it for a while. Whether the answer is a few words or nothing at all, it does not need to be improved on.
Having these conversations
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to raise it
Say why you are asking
An unexplained question about wills or funerals sounds like a verdict on their health. Naming the reason plainly, that you would rather know their wishes than guess at them, is usually enough.
Separate the two conversations
Memories and paperwork do not sit well in one sitting. Keep the practical questions to their own conversation, and consider doing them at a table with the documents present.
Bring one sibling in, and tell the others
Decisions made privately by one adult child create years of friction. Agree in advance who is asking, then share what you learn in writing with everyone.
Accept a partial answer
Some parents will answer three questions and close the subject. Take the three, write them down, and leave the rest for another day rather than finishing the list.
What to write down and where
- The location of the will and the name of the executor, plus the solicitor or firm if there is one.
- Whether there is a power of attorney or equivalent, who holds it, and whether it covers health as well as finances.
- Accounts, pensions, insurance policies and any prepaid funeral arrangements, with the institution named.
- Medical history: conditions, ages of diagnosis, and which relatives they applied to.
- Their stated wishes about treatment and care, in their words, with a note of who else has been told.
- Names and contact details of people they would want informed.
- Keep one copy with them and one with you, and tell your siblings where both are.
Common pitfalls
Asking while they are unwell in hospital
Fear, medication and a lack of privacy make it the worst setting for planning. If it cannot wait, ask only what has to be decided now and leave the rest.
Reassuring them out of the answer
Saying that they will be fine for years ends the conversation. If they are willing to talk about dying, follow them there rather than steering them back.
Recording without asking
A recording made without permission can undo their willingness to talk at all. Ask first, and offer to stop at any point.
Leaving it to the sibling who lives nearest
Proximity is not consent, and the default arrangement is where most family resentment begins. Decide together who does what while there is nothing urgent to decide.