Questions to Ask Your Parents Before They Die Printable
Twenty short questions written to be printed and read aloud, one line each, for families sitting down with an ageing parent to write or record their answers over several visits.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Where did you grow up, and who else lived in the house?
Why ask it
A short opener that also builds the family list, since siblings, lodgers and relatives in the household are the names most often missing from family records. Write the names in the margin as they come.
What were your parents like?
Why ask it
Deliberately open, because most people answer with the one trait that mattered most to them. If the answer is a single adjective, follow with what a normal evening in that house looked like.
What did an ordinary weekday look like when you were ten?
Why ask it
Routine is easier to recall than events and holds up well when memory is unreliable. It captures school, chores, meals and money without any of those having to be asked about directly.
What did you do for fun as a child?
Why ask it
Short, safe, and usually the point at which they relax into the exercise. Ask where it happened, since the place often no longer exists and is worth recording.
Who was your closest friend growing up, and what became of them?
Why ask it
Friends drop out of family history entirely, and the second half of the question sometimes leads to someone still living who can add to the record. Ask for a surname and a town.
What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Why ask it
The figure dates the story and gives grandchildren a real sense of the period. It also opens the subject of money without making it a question about money.
How did you meet your husband, wife or partner?
Why ask it
One of the two or three answers every family expects to have written down. Note the year and the place, which are the details that get argued over later.
What do you remember about your wedding day?
Why ask it
Ask for what they remember rather than what happened, so you get the dress that did not fit or the relative who was late instead of the running order. Skip this page if the marriage was unhappy or brief.
What was the hardest year you have had?
Why ask it
Short enough to read aloud without ceremony, which makes it easier to answer than a longer question about hardship. Let them choose how much to say and do not follow with questions about the detail.
What kind of parent were you in the early years?
Why ask it
Their self-assessment is more revealing than any memory you can offer them. Some parents use this line to say something they have wanted to say for years, so leave a pause after it.
What did we do as children that you never told us you knew about?
Why ask it
The one lighter question in the middle of the list, and useful for that reason. It usually gets laughter and buys goodwill for the heavier pages.
What are you proudest of?
Why ask it
Left broad on purpose. If the answer is only about children, ask what they are proud of that has nothing to do with the family, which is where the rest of the life is.
What do you regret?
Why ask it
Four words on a printed sheet are easier to answer than a carefully framed version of the same question. Do not reassure them afterwards; write down what they said.
What did you believe at twenty-five that you no longer believe?
Why ask it
Naming an age keeps the answer specific rather than a comment about how times have changed. It records a change in the person, which is the part of a life hardest to capture.
What music, films or books have mattered most to you?
Why ask it
Easy to answer, easy to verify, and it gives the family something they can go and listen to or read. Ask what it was attached to, a person, a job, a year.
Which foods should stay in this family, and who has the recipe?
Why ask it
The recipe is only half of it. Take down the amounts they actually cook by and the name of whoever else knows the method, or the dish leaves with them.
Which family stories should we not let disappear?
Why ask it
Asking them to choose gives you a short list you can actually record, rather than an attempt at everything. Ask who else could confirm each one.
Who else should I be asking about the parts you do not know?
Why ask it
Points you at aunts, cousins and old friends while there is still time to reach them. Collect names and contact details on the same sheet.
What should we keep doing the way you did it, and what would you rather we changed?
Why ask it
The second half releases the family from obligations nobody wanted, and it turns a sentimental answer into instructions. Read it back to them to check you have it right.
What should be written down about you while you can still tell me?
Why ask it
A plain closing question that lets them add whatever the sheet missed. If they say nothing, leave the line blank, date it, and offer the sheet again another day.
Using a printed sheet
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you print
Print two copies in large type
One for them to hold and one for you to write on. Fourteen point or larger, black on white, and no decorative type, since a lot of parents will be reading this without their good glasses.
Leave real space under each line
Handwritten answers need more room than you expect, and a cramped sheet gets one-word answers. Four or five questions to a page is enough.
Do not hand over all twenty at once
A full list can read as a countdown. Cut the sheet into sections, or bring five questions per visit.
Record the audio as a backup
Ask first, then leave a phone on the table. Notes catch the facts, but the recording keeps the phrasing, the pauses and the voice.
While you are going through it
- Write their words, not your summary of them. Quotation marks now save arguments later.
- Date every page and note who was present.
- Skip anything they do not want to answer and mark it as skipped rather than leaving it blank, so you know to offer it again.
- Wind up while they still have energy. Two good pages beat twenty rushed lines.
- If a name or a place is unclear, ask them to spell it while they are still with you.
- Photograph the completed sheets before you leave, and give copies to your siblings.
What to avoid
Reading it like a form
Working straight down the page turns a conversation into an intake interview. Ask a question, let the answer wander, and come back to the sheet afterwards.
Correcting dates and details
Their account is the record. Put your correction in a separate note rather than telling them they have it wrong.
Using the same sheet for practical matters
Wills, accounts, medical wishes and passwords belong on a separate, private document, not on a keepsake page that will be passed around the family.
Waiting for the right occasion
Birthdays and holidays are the worst settings, and health does not give notice. An ordinary afternoon this month is the better plan.