Questions to Ask Your Son's Girlfriend
Twenty questions for getting to know your son's girlfriend without putting her through an interview: how they met, what she does, what she needs at holidays, and what she would want you to know. Includes the subjects best left alone at a first meeting.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How did the two of you meet?
Why ask it
The easiest possible start, and it hands her the floor, which matters when she is outnumbered. How much of the story she tells, against how much she passes to your son, shows how comfortable she is.
What did you make of him when you first met?
Why ask it
Produces a story rather than a compliment, and it is usually funny. Parents rarely get to hear how their child comes across to a stranger, which is the real value in asking.
What are you working on at the moment, or studying?
Why ask it
Ask once and let her choose how much detail to give. Pushing for the five-year plan behind the answer is where this tips into an interview, especially if she is between things.
Where did you grow up?
Why ask it
Safe ground that lets her be the expert for a minute. It also tells you how far she lives from her own family, which shapes how much she will need yours.
Do you have brothers or sisters?
Why ask it
The shape of her family matters more at a first meeting than its history. Someone raised as an only child, or as the eldest of five, will find your family loud or quiet in ways worth knowing about.
How often do you see your own family?
Why ask it
Practical rather than probing. If she barely sees them, holidays with yours will carry more weight than you would guess, and if she is very close to them, expect competition for the same dates.
What do the two of you do when you both have a free day?
Why ask it
You learn whether their life together is shared or simply parallel. Do not read much into an answer full of ordinary things, because ordinary is usually the good sign.
What do you two laugh about?
Why ask it
Shared humor is what carries couples through the dull stretches, and nobody minds being asked. Watch whether they glance at each other before answering, which is a better sign than the answer itself.
What's he like when we're not around?
Why ask it
Light, and it usually gets a genuine answer: quieter, funnier, tidier, worse. Parents mostly know only the version of their son that appears in their own house.
Has he told you any stories about growing up that I should correct?
Why ask it
Brings her into the family history without a lecture and gives you something to offer instead of only questions to ask. One embarrassing story handed over does more than an hour of polite interest.
What are you good at that he's hopeless at?
Why ask it
Playful, and it shows whether he can be teased in front of her. Couples who cannot manage that in company are often still performing for each other.
What do you like doing that has nothing to do with him?
Why ask it
Signals that you see her as a person rather than as his girlfriend, which is what most new partners are quietly waiting for. Her answer sometimes surprises him too.
Is there something you've been meaning to get back to, or learn?
Why ask it
Gentler than asking about ambitions and it works whether she is twenty-two or forty. If she names something she has dropped, resist offering to help unless she asks.
What's the best trip you've taken?
Why ask it
A real question with real answers, and often the most animated part of the conversation. It also gives you something to ask her about again in six months, which is how relationships accumulate.
What do you eat, and what should I never put in front of you?
Why ask it
Prevents the classic mistake of serving a vegetarian a roast. Allergies, alcohol, and anything she avoids for religious reasons all surface under one harmless question.
How do you usually spend the holidays? Is there a tradition you'd miss?
Why ask it
Holiday expectations cause more friction with a new partner than anything else, and they are easiest to settle months in advance. Asking now means nobody has to negotiate it in December.
Is there anything about this family that's confusing, or hard work?
Why ask it
Unusual and generous, and she will answer honestly if she trusts you. Every family has a person, a rule or an in-joke outsiders cannot decode, and naming it removes most of the difficulty.
What would you want me to know about you that he'd never think to mention?
Why ask it
Lets her introduce herself on her own terms instead of through your son's summary. Whatever she picks is the thing she feels is being missed.
Is there anything I could do to make you feel more at home here?
Why ask it
Small and concrete enough that she can actually answer: a bed for the night, less wine at dinner, being told the plan in advance, not being asked about children.
Anything you want to ask me, about him or about us?
Why ask it
Ends by making it two-way. She may want practical information about his health, his moods, or the relative she has heard about for a year and never met.
A first meeting that goes well for her
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting and timing
- Do something alongside her rather than sitting across a table: cooking, a walk, the washing up, something in the garden. Being useful together removes most of the awkwardness.
- Take five minutes without your son present if it happens naturally, and stop before it starts to feel arranged.
- Keep it to a handful of questions. She is being assessed by everyone in the room and is probably counting the hours.
- Ask nothing you would not answer yourself, and answer it first if the question feels heavy.
Subjects to leave alone
- When they are getting married. She either does not know, or does know and cannot say.
- Whether she wants children, and when. This is the intrusion new partners report most often, and it can land on someone who has recently had a loss.
- What she earns, what her rent is, and whether her job has prospects.
- Her previous relationships, and any comparison with your son's.
- Her body, her plate, or her drinking, including remarks phrased as concern.
- Religion and politics at a first meeting. There is plenty of time, and how easy the afternoon felt will matter more than what she believes.
If she's nervous or he's protective
- Nerves look like over-talking, over-agreeing, and laughing in the wrong places. None of it is information about her character.
- If your son answers for her, put the next question to her directly and lightly. If he keeps doing it, take that up with him rather than with her.
- Do not test her. Contrived questions designed to see how she reacts are always spotted and always remembered.
- One decent conversation is enough for a first visit. The real ones happen on the fourth or fifth.
After the first meeting
- Contact her directly about small things instead of relaying everything through your son. That is what turns a formality into a relationship of her own.
- Remember one detail and use it: the exam, the trip, the sister who was ill. Being remembered is what makes people relax in someone else's family.
- If you did not warm to her, keep it to yourself and keep asking questions. First impressions of a partner age badly, and anything you say now will reach her eventually.
- If they stay together, this is a person you will share decades of holidays with, so the effort at the start is not wasted.