5 Questions to Ask Before Dying
Questions for taking stock, whether you are living with a terminal illness or simply want to think this through while you are well: who you want to thank, what has never been said plainly, your wishes about care and belongings, forgiveness, and what you want to pass on. The practical ones come first, since they are the ones that can still be acted on.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Who do I want to thank, while I can?
Why ask it
Make a list of names rather than a general intention. Teachers, colleagues, neighbours and old friends are often left off, and they are frequently the people most affected by hearing it. A short letter or phone call is enough, and it does not need to mention illness.
What do I want the people I love to know that I have never said plainly?
Why ask it
Families usually assume the important things are understood. They often are not, and what people most wish they had heard tends to be simple and specific: that they were wanted, that a decision was forgiven, that a particular thing they did mattered. Say it in the plainest words you have.
Have I made my wishes clear about my care, my money and my belongings?
Why ask it
This spares the people closest to you from guessing under pressure, and from disagreeing with each other about what you would have wanted. It covers a will, who can make decisions if you cannot, what treatment you would refuse, funeral preferences, and where the documents and passwords are kept.
Which relationships deserve the time I have left?
Why ask it
Time and energy are limited, and more so if you are unwell. Choosing deliberately is not unkind; it prevents the common pattern where the calendar fills with people who need reassurance while the ones who matter most get the tired end of the day.
What have I been putting off that I still have time for?
Why ask it
Worth separating into what is still possible, what could be adapted, and what has passed. Adapted versions count: the coast rather than the mountain, the recording rather than the concert, the letter rather than the visit. Naming the smaller version is what makes it happen.
What would I do with one more ordinary day?
Why ask it
The answers are usually small and domestic: a particular walk, a meal, a person's company at the kitchen table. That is useful information rather than a sentimental exercise, because most of it can be arranged this week.
What do I want to be doing on my last good day?
Why ask it
Answering this plainly helps the people caring for you make decisions in your favour later: where you want to be, who you want present, what you would rather avoid. It is also the practical basis for a conversation with a palliative care team about what matters to you.
Where did most of my time go, and was that what I intended?
Why ask it
Time is the honest record of priorities, whether or not they were chosen. Expect a mix: years given to work you would not choose again, and years given to obligations you would defend. Distinguishing the two is more useful than judging the total.
What am I genuinely proudest of, setting aside what sounds impressive?
Why ask it
The honest answer is rarely the one on a curriculum vitae. It is more often a person helped, a habit kept, or something endured quietly. Whatever comes to mind first is worth writing down, because it is also the thing your family will most want to hear you say.
What did I give up too easily?
Why ask it
This finds the places where you deferred to somebody else's preference, or to an assumption about what was sensible. Some of it can still be reclaimed in a smaller form. Some cannot, and saying so plainly is better than pretending it does not matter.
Did I live in a way that matched what I actually valued, or did fear decide?
Why ask it
Ask it about specific decisions rather than about your life as a whole: the job not taken, the truth not told, the move not made. General verdicts produce only guilt or defensiveness, while specific ones sometimes show you a choice still open.
Did I let myself have any joy, or was I always waiting for a better moment?
Why ask it
Many people find they postponed rest and pleasure on the assumption that there would be time later. If that is the answer, it is worth acting on now in ordinary ways rather than treating it as a verdict on how you lived.
Is there anyone I want to forgive?
Why ask it
Forgiveness here means putting something down, not resuming a relationship or telling the person anything. It can be done alone, in writing, or with a counsellor. Some things do not need to be forgiven to be released, and no one is obliged to reach a particular conclusion.
Is there anyone I need to ask forgiveness from?
Why ask it
A plain apology with no explanation attached is usually the one that lands. Be prepared for it not to be accepted, and for that to be their right. What you can control is that it was offered clearly and without asking anything in return.
Who am I still resenting, and what would it take to put that down?
Why ask it
Long-held resentment usually occupies more of the present than the original event did. Ask what would actually be required: an acknowledgement, an apology that will never come, or simply the decision to stop revisiting it. If it involves someone still in your life, a third person can help.
What am I most afraid of, and is the fear about dying or about something else?
Why ask it
When people separate this out, the fear is often about pain, indignity, being a burden, or leaving someone unprovided for. Each of those has a practical response: pain can usually be managed, care can be arranged, provision can be documented. Naming the specific fear is what makes help possible.
What do I believe about what comes after?
Why ask it
Worth sitting with in your own words rather than adopting anyone else's. If faith matters to you, this is the point to involve a chaplain, minister or community. If it does not, uncertainty is a reasonable position and does not need to be resolved for anybody else's comfort.
What difference did I make to the people closest to me?
Why ask it
Ask the people themselves if you can. Their answers are usually concrete and unexpected: a lift given every week for a year, a sentence said at the right moment, a standard they picked up from you. Most people substantially underestimate this.
What have I learned that is worth passing on?
Why ask it
Keep it to a handful of things you actually believe and have tested, rather than general advice. Specific is more useful than wise: how to handle a particular kind of person, what to do when money is short, what you got wrong and what it cost.
If I could leave one message for everyone I love, what would it say?
Why ask it
A last question, and the one worth writing down in your own handwriting or recording in your own voice. Short is better than complete. What families keep and reread is rarely long, and it is almost never the part that tried to summarise a whole life.
Working through these questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to approach it
Take a few at a time
There is no benefit in working through all of these in one sitting, and if you are unwell or tired the answers will not be the ones you mean. Two or three questions, written down, with time in between, is enough.
Write rather than only think
Written answers can be given to someone, and they hold up when memory and energy do not. A notebook, a document or a voice recording all work. It does not need to be well phrased to be worth keeping.
Involve one other person if you want to
Some of these are easier said out loud to someone who is not in the middle of it: a friend, a counsellor, a chaplain, a member of a palliative care team. Family are often too close to hear an answer without reacting to it.
Separate what can still be done from what cannot
Some answers point to an action available this week: a phone call, a letter, an appointment, a document to sign. Others point at something finished. Keeping the two apart makes the exercise useful rather than only sad.
Stop when you need to
If a question brings up more than you can hold, leave it. Returning to it another day is normal, and deciding not to answer it at all is a legitimate choice. Persistent distress, sleeplessness or hopelessness is worth mentioning to a doctor or nurse, who can help.
The practical side, in plain order
- 1Make or update a will. Without one, the law decides distribution, and that is rarely what anyone intended.
- 2Record who should make decisions for you if you cannot: medical and financial authority are usually separate documents, and the names in your jurisdiction differ. Ask your doctor's practice or a solicitor which forms apply where you live.
- 3Write down what treatment you would want and what you would refuse, and give a copy to your doctor as well as to your family. A wish nobody has read cannot be followed.
- 4Note your funeral or memorial preferences, including anything you feel strongly about. This removes the guessing at the point when people are least able to do it.
- 5List the practical information no one else knows: accounts, insurance, subscriptions, passwords, where the documents are, who holds the keys, who looks after the pets.
- 6Name a person for each responsibility and tell them. Being appointed in a document you never mentioned is a difficult way to find out.
- 7Say the things from the first three questions on this list. Everything else here can be done by someone on your behalf; that part cannot.
Talking to family
- Say why you are raising it. Without a reason, relatives assume the worst has happened or that something is being concealed.
- Expect some people to change the subject. That is usually fear rather than indifference; leave it and return to it once.
- Give information in writing as well as saying it, so nobody has to rely on their recollection of a hard conversation.
- Be specific about who does what, and tell each person their own part rather than announcing it to a room.
- Let people say what they want to say to you as well. Being on the receiving end of gratitude is harder than giving it, and it matters just as much to them.
- If old conflicts surface, a hospice social worker, counsellor or mediator can help. These conversations do not have to be managed alone.