5 Questions

5 Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Partner

Essential self-reflection questions that help you evaluate your relationship, understand your partner better, and make informed decisions about your future together.

1

What are the three things I love most about my partner?

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Why this works

Focuses on positive aspects and helps you identify what you truly value and appreciate about your partner, strengthening your emotional connection.

2

What are the three things that frustrate me most about my partner?

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Why this works

Acknowledges challenges and helps you identify areas of conflict or incompatibility that may need attention or acceptance.

3

How do I feel when I'm with my partner versus when I'm alone?

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Why this works

Reveals the emotional impact of the relationship and helps you understand whether your partner adds to or detracts from your overall wellbeing.

4

What are my partner's core values and do they align with mine?

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Why this works

Examines fundamental compatibility and helps you assess whether you share similar life goals, beliefs, and priorities.

5

Where do I see this relationship in five years?

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Why this works

Encourages long-term thinking and helps you evaluate whether your relationship has a future that aligns with your life goals and aspirations.

Best Practices for Relationship Self-Reflection

Expert tips and techniques for getting the most out of these questions.

Best Practices

Be Honest with Yourself

Self-reflection requires brutal honesty. Don't sugarcoat your answers or avoid difficult truths about your relationship.

Focus on Your Feelings

Pay attention to your emotional responses and gut feelings. Your intuition often knows what your rational mind hasn't yet acknowledged.

Consider Both Positive and Negative

Balance your assessment by considering both what you love and what challenges you about your partner and relationship.

Question Sequences

The Relationship Evaluator Sequence

1
What are the three things I love most about my partner?
2
What are the three things that frustrate me most about my partner?
3
How do I feel when I'm with my partner versus when I'm alone?
4
Where do I see this relationship in five years?

The Compatibility Assessor Sequence

1
What are my partner's core values and do they align with mine?
2
How do I feel when I'm with my partner versus when I'm alone?
3
What are the three things I love most about my partner?
4
Where do I see this relationship in five years?

Common Pitfalls

Don't Make Excuses for Red Flags

If you find yourself constantly making excuses for your partner's behavior or justifying their actions, this may indicate deeper issues.

Avoid Comparing to Past Relationships

Focus on your current relationship rather than comparing it to past relationships or what you think it should be.

Don't Ignore Your Intuition

If something feels off or you have persistent doubts, don't dismiss them. Your intuition often picks up on things your conscious mind hasn't yet processed.

Conversation Templates

The Relationship Evaluator

1
Step 1: Start with: "What are the three things I love most about my partner?"
2
Step 2: Follow with: "What are the three things that frustrate me most about my partner?"
3
Step 3: Assess with: "How do I feel when I'm with my partner versus when I'm alone?"

The Future Planner

1
Step 1: Begin with: "What are my partner's core values and do they align with mine?"
2
Step 2: Explore with: "How do I feel when I'm with my partner versus when I'm alone?"
3
Step 3: Conclude with: "Where do I see this relationship in five years?"

Further Reading

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman
"Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
"The Relationship Cure" by John Gottman

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