Deep Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Marriage
Twenty questions to work through with your partner before the wedding, covering what marriage is supposed to change, where you will live, holidays, drinking and health, what previous relationships taught them, the paperwork nobody raises, and what each of you expects to find hard.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What does being married mean to you that being together does not?
Why ask it
Couples who have lived together for years often cannot answer this, and the attempt is where the useful conversation starts. Answers about permanence, family approval or legal standing point at very different expectations.
Apart from the wedding, what are you most looking forward to?
Why ask it
The qualifier forces attention past the day itself, which absorbs most of the planning energy of an engagement. A partner who has nothing beyond the wedding has usually not pictured the marriage yet.
Where do we live in ten years, and how attached are you to that answer?
Why ask it
The second half is what matters, since a preference and a condition are not the same thing. Proximity to family and country of residence are two of the most common late discoveries in a marriage.
Whose name changes, if anyone's?
Why ask it
Small on the surface and frequently loaded underneath, particularly where family expectation is involved. Ask what they would think if the answer were the reverse of what they just said.
How do we handle holidays and Christmas each year?
Why ask it
This is the argument most newly married couples have first, because both families assume they have won. Agreeing a default now, including alternating years, saves the conversation happening under pressure in December.
What should I do when your friends and I do not get on?
Why ask it
Nearly every marriage has at least one friendship that becomes contested. Whether they expect you to absorb it, whether they would say something, and whether the friend would ever be dropped are all worth hearing now.
How much do you drink, and would you tell me if it became a problem?
Why ask it
Drinking is one of the most common sources of serious marital difficulty and one of the least discussed before a wedding. Defensiveness at the question is more informative than the number of units.
What do you need me to know about your health, physical and mental?
Why ask it
Marriage often means becoming the person who manages appointments, medication and bad periods. Ask what a difficult stretch looks like from the outside and what has helped before.
What did your previous relationships teach you about yourself?
Why ask it
The phrasing keeps the focus on them rather than on their exes, which is what makes it answerable. An answer entirely about what the other person did wrong is worth noticing carefully.
What ended your last serious relationship, and what was your part in it?
Why ask it
The second half is the whole question. Someone who can name their own contribution has done the reflection, and someone who cannot will probably repeat it.
What do you consider yourself responsible for keeping track of in our life together?
Why ask it
Different from dividing chores, because it asks who carries the mental list: appointments, birthdays, bills, whether the car is taxed. Uneven answers here cause more resentment than uneven housework does.
If one of us wanted us to see a counsellor, how would you take it?
Why ask it
Worth establishing before it is a live request, when it can be heard as an accusation. A flat refusal now is important information about what happens when things go badly later.
What ambition of yours is going to need my patience?
Why ask it
Inviting it in advance is far better than discovering the training course, the business or the move by accident. Ask what it will cost in years, money and evenings.
How much of our life should be shared, and how much stays yours?
Why ask it
Couples differ enormously on friendships, finances, phones and time alone, and rarely compare notes until one of them feels intruded upon. Ask for examples rather than a principle.
What happens when one of our parents needs looking after?
Why ask it
For most couples this arrives within twenty years and reshapes everything: money, housing, and who reduces their hours. It is much easier to discuss before anyone is ill.
Have we written anything down about wills, pensions and who inherits what?
Why ask it
Marriage changes inheritance and next of kin automatically in most places, and rarely in the way people assume. If either of you has children, property or a business already, the answers need to be documented rather than agreed verbally.
What would make you feel taken for granted?
Why ask it
Specific and preventable, which is what makes it worth asking. Most people can name something small and recurring, and knowing it is cheaper than learning it after two years of it happening.
How would we know if the marriage was in trouble?
Why ask it
Asks for early signs rather than crises, and forces you both to name what drift would look like. Answers about going quiet, or about being polite with each other, are the ones to remember.
What do you expect to be hard about being married to me?
Why ask it
A question that only works if you can hear it without defending yourself. A partner who claims nothing is either not thinking or not saying, and both are worth pressing on gently.
What do you expect to be hard about being married to you?
Why ask it
The pair to the previous question and the one that shows whether they can look at themselves. Self knowledge here predicts a great deal more than compatibility on any single topic.
How to Work Through These With Your Partner
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Best Practices
Answer Separately, Then Compare
Write your own answers to four or five before discussing them. Talking cold means one of you anchors the other within a sentence, and the resulting agreement is not real.
Take the Difficult Pair Last
The two questions about what will be hard belong at the end of an evening that has gone well. Asked early, they read as a complaint rather than an invitation.
Keep It Away From Wedding Logistics
Do not raise the money or family questions on a night you have been arguing about the venue. The subjects contaminate each other and you get positions instead of views.
Write Down What You Decided
Holidays, name changes, whose career yields and who tracks what should end up somewhere you can both find. Within a year, two people remember a verbal agreement differently and usually in their own favour.
Do Not Force a Difference Closed
Not every mismatch has to be resolved before the wedding, and pressing for immediate agreement produces a false one. What matters is that the disagreement is known rather than discovered.
Question Sequences That Work
The First Evening
- 1What does being married mean to you that being together does not?
- 2Apart from the wedding, what are you most looking forward to?
- 3Where do we live in ten years, and how attached are you to that answer?
- 4How do we handle holidays and Christmas each year?
The Honest Evening
- 1How much do you drink, and would you tell me if it became a problem?
- 2What do you need me to know about your health, physical and mental?
- 3What ended your last serious relationship, and what was your part in it?
- 4If one of us wanted us to see a counsellor, how would you take it?
The Practical Evening
- 1What do you consider yourself responsible for keeping track of in our life together?
- 2What happens when one of our parents needs looking after?
- 3Have we written anything down about wills, pensions and who inherits what?
- 4What ambition of yours is going to need my patience?
Worth Knowing Before You Ask
- Marriage alters inheritance, next of kin status and often debt liability, and the rules differ by country and state. If the paperwork answers are vague, get advice specific to where you live rather than relying on what you assume.
- If either of you has children from a previous relationship, add the questions that raises: schooling, discipline, contact arrangements and what the child calls the new partner.
- Many faith traditions require premarital preparation, and the person conducting the wedding will cover some of this ground. Doing it first makes those sessions more useful.
- A recurring argument that resurfaces here is worth taking to a couples counsellor before the wedding. Being engaged does not make it easier to resolve.
- If the drinking or health answers concern you, that is a subject for its own conversation rather than one item on a list. Do not fold it back into the evening.
- If either of you is under family pressure or a visa deadline to marry by a certain date, say so out loud. It changes how honestly every other answer can be given.