Questions to Ask a Man Before Marriage
For anyone about to marry a man, or still deciding whether to. These 62 questions to ask a man before marriage are sorted into six groups: what he thinks marriage and a husband are, children, money, home and work, family and faith, and conflict and trust. The first group also has the questions to ask a man you want to marry when nobody has proposed yet: whether he sees himself married at all, and by when. All of them are easier to ask a future husband before marriage than to raise with a husband after it.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The marriage
What does marriage mean to you, and why do you want it with me?
Why ask it
Notice whether he describes the day or the decades: a ceremony and a status, or a home, a family and someone to grow old beside. His reason for choosing you should be something only true of you. If a deadline is doing some of the work, such as family pressure, a visa, a lease or an age he had in mind, it is better heard now than guessed at later.
What do you think a husband is supposed to do and be, and where did you learn that?
Why ask it
Most men arrive with a job description for husband, written by their fathers or in protest against them. Listen for what is on it besides providing, then ask what he thinks his spouse's job is, since that second list is the one you would be living inside.
Whose marriage do you want ours to look like, and whose would you hate it to look like?
Why ask it
People copy or react against the marriages they watched close up. The one he names as a warning tells you which behavior he will be most sensitive about, and often which one he fears he has inherited.
What do you expect to be different between us a year after the wedding?
Why ask it
Some men expect nothing to move, others expect a switch to flip: more home cooking, fewer nights out, an old argument finally closed. Whichever he says, check it against your own picture, since a hope nobody mentioned is the one that turns into a grievance.
What worries you most about being a husband?
Why ask it
A fear he can name is one the two of you can plan for, whether it is money, losing his freedom or turning into his father. If he says nothing worries him, tell him one of yours and ask again.
Do you see yourself married one day, and roughly when?
Why ask it
This is where to begin with a man you want to marry when the subject has only ever come up as a joke. A year or an age is an answer, and so is never. Give him your own timing in the same conversation, so he is not answering blind.
Is anything holding you back from marrying that has nothing to do with me?
Why ask it
Money, his parents' divorce, a job that may move him, a promise to finish something first: reasons like these are easier to say once he knows you will not hear them as a verdict on you. Find out whether he is working on the thing he names or waiting for it to pass.
Have you ever come close to marrying someone, and what stopped it?
Why ask it
A broken engagement, or a long relationship that never reached one, shows how he behaves at exactly this point. Hear who called it off and how late, then ask whether the thing that stopped him is still true of him.
How long do you think two people should be together before they decide to marry?
Why ask it
His number may come from his parents, his friends or his faith, and it may already have passed. When your two figures are far apart, say so plainly: the one who is waiting should know how long the wait is meant to be.
Is there anything you would need to know about me, or see from me, before you could decide?
Why ask it
It turns the page around and lets him say what he is still unsure of: how you handle money, how you get on with his family, what you are like in a bad month. Some of it you can answer on the spot. A doubt he cannot yet put into words is one to come back to in a few weeks.
Do you think a marriage needs a head of the household, and if it does, who is that?
Why ask it
Answers run from the husband leads to the whole idea is embarrassing, with a quiet middle version he may never have examined: he settles money and moves, you settle the house and the children. Have him name a recent decision he thought was his alone to make, and tell him whether you agreed.
What do I do that makes you feel respected, and what leaves you feeling dismissed?
Why ask it
He may never have said this out loud, and the examples are often small: being corrected in front of friends, a plan changed without him, a joke at his expense. Trade answers, because the things that make you feel dismissed are probably different and just as easy to miss.
How much physical affection do you need to feel close to me, and how would you tell me if you were not getting it?
Why ask it
Illness, a new baby, medication and long work weeks all change how close two people feel, so his plan for a mismatch is worth more than his expectations. If he would wait for you to notice, agree on a plain sentence either of you can use instead.
Would it bother you if I kept my own name after the wedding?
Why ask it
A small question that tests a large one: what he does when a tradition he took for granted meets a preference of yours. Ask about the children's surname as well, which is where a relaxed first answer often tightens.
What would have to happen for you to consider ending this marriage?
Why ask it
The answer shows where his limits are: violence, an affair, addiction, years of contempt. If he says nothing ever could, find out whether that is a belief he holds about marriage or a question he has never considered, because the two lead to very different conversations when something does go wrong.
Would you sit in a counselor's office with me, before the wedding or ten years in?
Why ask it
Find out whether he sees outside help as maintenance or as proof of failure. A flat no deserves a why, since the reason is often a bad experience or what his family thinks of therapy, and both can be talked about.
Children
Do you want children, and how soon?
Why ask it
Get a number of years, not a mood. If someday is all he has, ask what would need to be in place first, a house, a salary, a move, and whether that list has an end. Timelines more than a couple of years apart are something to negotiate now, not a detail for later.
How many children are you picturing, and is that a hope or a requirement?
Why ask it
One and four are different lives, with different houses, budgets and careers attached. Hope or requirement is the part to press: a man who needs a son, or a big family like the one he grew up in, should say so before the first child and not after the second.
Is wanting children, or not wanting them, something you could change your mind about for me?
Why ask it
This is the one difference on the page with no halfway, since nobody can have half a child. A quick yes is worth slowing down: what would he be giving up, and would he hold it against you in ten years? If either of you is privately counting on the other to come round after the wedding, this is the moment to say so.
Once there is a baby, whose job gives way: yours, mine, or a bit of both?
Why ask it
Almost everyone says we would work it out. Go after the specifics: who takes the leave, who does the school run, whose salary is treated as the one that must be protected. If the unspoken answer is you, it is better said out loud now, while there is still time to argue with it.
How would you feel about adopting, or about a marriage with no children in it, if a pregnancy never came?
Why ask it
It asks him to think about treatment, adoption, the cost and a life without children before either of you is in distress. He does not need a final answer. What you are after is whether he can stay in the conversation, and whether there is an option he rules out for good.
When the baby is awake at three in the morning, whose turn is it?
Why ask it
Let him laugh, then ask the real version: how much leave his employer gives new fathers, whether he would take all of it, and what he has seen the fathers around him do. Leave rules differ a lot between countries and workplaces, so have him look his up.
What did your father do as a parent that you would repeat, and what would you never do?
Why ask it
If his father was absent, harsh or simply always at work, he may have no close model for the father he says he wants to be, and it helps to know that. Ask which man he would borrow from instead: an uncle, a coach, a friend who already has kids.
When you were in trouble as a boy, what happened, and would you do the same with our kids?
Why ask it
Whatever he believes on a calm day, what he was raised with is often what comes out first when a toddler is screaming in a supermarket. If he was spanked and says he turned out fine, that is a position to work through now. Say what happened in your house too, so it is a comparison and not a cross-examination.
Money
How much money do you have, and how much do you owe?
Why ask it
You want figures: balances, loans, cards, tax owed, anything he is paying off for family. Offer yours in the same breath so it is an exchange. Whether one spouse can be chased for debts the other brought into the marriage depends on where you live, so find out how it works there before you sign anything jointly.
Left to yourself, do you save money or spend it, and which do you think I do?
Why ask it
His guess about you shows what he has noticed and been too polite to mention. If you turn out to be one of each, neither is wrong, but agree what gets saved before anything is spent, or the saver ends up as the one who always says no.
Once we are married, is it your money and my money, or ours?
Why ask it
The principle comes before the accounts, and it matters most if you earn very different amounts. Then get practical: joint, separate, or one shared account for the bills. Watch for a setup where the lower earner has to ask for money, and check how it would change if one of you stopped work for a child.
Where is your line between a purchase you just make and one we talk about first?
Why ask it
Put a figure on it, each of you, and compare. A wide gap between the two numbers is what turns a new phone or a set of tires into an argument. Settle on one number and revisit it when your income changes.
Is anyone besides you relying on your pay: a parent, a sibling, a child, a former partner?
Why ask it
Money promised elsewhere leaves the household before either of you spends anything. Ask how much, how often and for how long. Where support for a child or a former spouse is involved, ask what the arrangement actually says, since those rules vary from place to place.
How would you feel if I earned more than you, or stopped earning for a while?
Why ask it
Both halves test the same thing: whether his sense of himself depends on being the provider. Fine in theory is easy, so ask how it sat with him the last time a partner or a close friend out-earned him.
What do you spend money on that you would defend even in a tight month?
Why ask it
Nearly every budget has one protected line: the car, the season ticket, the gym, money sent home. Hearing his now, and telling him yours, saves you from finding it in a bank statement during the first lean stretch.
If your pay stopped tomorrow, how long could we manage, and what would you cut first?
Why ask it
Work the sum out together if neither of you knows it: savings divided by a month's bills. What he would cut first, and what he would refuse to touch, shows his priorities faster than a budget does. The harder follow-up is whether he would tell you the same day or try to fix it quietly first.
What is your honest reaction to the word prenup?
Why ask it
You are listening for the reaction more than the decision: curiosity, relief or offense. What such an agreement can and cannot cover depends on where you live, so if either of you wants one, each of you should get your own advice well before the wedding date.
Home and work
Which chores are yours without anyone asking, and which do you expect to be asked about?
Why ask it
Someone who says he will help when asked is describing a job where you are the manager. Compare his list with what happens in his place or yours today, and include the jobs nobody sees: noticing the bin is full, renewing the insurance, remembering his mother's birthday.
How many hours a week does your work really take, and is that number going up?
Why ask it
Count the commute, the evening emails and the weekend catch-up, not the contract. If he expects the next promotion to cost more hours, that is the marriage you are signing up for, so find out what he would say no to.
Whose career comes first if one of us is offered something in another city?
Why ask it
The test is whether the rule runs both ways or only in his favor. Have him describe the offer he would turn down for you, since that is the part that shows whether the rule is real.
Which town or country do you see us growing old in, and how fixed is that?
Why ask it
Some men carry a quiet assumption of going home one day: to the town they grew up in, the family land, another country. Better to hear it as a plan you can argue with than to discover it when a parent falls ill or a job comes up there.
Which jobs around a home have you never had to do for yourself?
Why ask it
Asked kindly, this gets honest answers: cooking a full week of dinners, cleaning a bathroom, booking his own dentist. A man who has always lived with someone who did these may not know what he does not know, and now is the cheap time to learn.
What have you always meant to do, a business, a degree, a year abroad, that you have not started yet?
Why ask it
Ambitions kept quiet before the wedding can come back later as restlessness. Find out what this one would cost in money and evenings and when he would want to begin, then tell him honestly whether you are in.
Which of your hobbies, teams or standing nights out is not up for discussion?
Why ask it
Better a straight list than a slow fight over Saturdays. Ask how each one would change with a baby in the house, and notice whether he offers to shrink anything or waits for you to bring it up.
How much of a normal week do you need to yourself or with your friends before you start to feel crowded?
Why ask it
Naming a real number, whether that is one evening a week or a monthly weekend, keeps it from being read as rejection later. If he says he needs none, ask what he does when he has had too much company, because the need tends to show up anyway, as going quiet.
Family and faith
How much of our free time do you picture going to your family, and what happens if I need less?
Why ask it
Ask for a frequency: every Sunday, one weekend a month, a week each summer. Then see whether he can picture going without you sometimes, or both of you staying home, without treating it as a snub to his parents.
If your mother and I disagreed about something involving our home or our kids, what would you do?
Why ask it
This is the in-law question with the vagueness taken out. Bring a real example, such as how a baby is fed or who holds a key to your home. If he will not take a side even in a hypothetical, tell him that silence is what you would be left with on the day.
Where do you expect us to spend the big holidays: with your family, with mine, or at home?
Why ask it
Easy to answer, and it brings out an assumption people rarely state: that his family's calendar is the fixed one and yours fits around it. Name the actual days each of you cares about, then plan the first year on paper.
What place do you want religion to have in our house and in raising children?
Why ask it
Practice matters more than belief here: services, schools, fasting, food rules, what his family will expect at a baptism or a naming. Couples who agree in principle can still disagree about the first child, so walk through one specific ceremony and ask whether it would happen.
Do you picture us in a home of our own from the first day, or living with your parents for a while?
Why ask it
In many families a son is expected to bring his wife home, and he may not think it needs saying. If that is the plan, ask for how long, who runs the kitchen and the money in that house, and what he would do if you were unhappy there.
If one of my parents needed a home, would you take them in as readily as one of yours?
Why ask it
Few couples plan for this, and it can arrive with one phone call. The comparison is the point: notice whether his parents and yours get the same answer, and who he assumes would do the daily caring. If his honest answer is neither, ask what he would want instead.
Which customs from your family or culture do you expect me to take on, and which are optional?
Why ask it
Food rules, dress at family events, how elders are addressed, who hosts which festival. He may honestly not see these as requests because nobody around him ever declined one, so go through them by name and say which you will gladly do.
What does your family not talk about, and do you want us to keep that habit?
Why ask it
Most families have a silent subject: money trouble, addiction, an illness, a relative nobody names. Ask what it cost him growing up not to be able to mention it, and decide together which subjects the two of you will never treat that way.
Where do you and I disagree on politics, and does it matter to you more than you let on?
Why ask it
Couples can live happily across a ballot, and it goes better when both know the gap is there. If he goes quiet at election time, this is the invitation to say which of your views he is only tolerating.
Conflict and trust
What do you do when you are angry with me and do not say so?
Why ask it
Going quiet, getting busy, being scrupulously polite: unspoken anger still shows somewhere. Once he has named his version, you can ask about it by name the next time you see it. If he insists he is never angry with you, ask where the irritation goes instead.
When we fight, what makes you feel like the fight is over and we are okay again?
Why ask it
Repair looks different from person to person: some need to talk it through, others need an hour alone, others a hug before any words. If your two answers do not match, that can be why things stay tense after the disagreement itself is settled, so agree what each of you will do for the other.
What counts as cheating to you, and is it the same list for both of us?
Why ask it
Definitions differ more than people expect: messaging, old friendships, a locked phone, a work trip. Setting the line while nobody is accused is far easier than arguing about it afterwards. If his list for you runs longer than his list for himself, say so now.
Is there anything in your past I would be upset to find out later?
Why ask it
Once is enough for this one, asked plainly, and then give him time, even a few days. The content matters less than whether he can bring you something awkward before you find it yourself. Decide beforehand what you would do with a hard answer, so your reaction does not teach him to stay quiet.
What is the one thing I say in an argument that makes you stop listening?
Why ask it
He will probably have the exact phrase ready: you always, calm down, a comparison with his mother. Knowing it lets you drop it, or keep it for when you mean it. Give him yours as well.
What does a real apology from you sound like, and what makes one hard to give?
Why ask it
Sorry you feel that way, a bunch of flowers and acting as if nothing happened are all substitutes. Have him recall the last apology he made to you, offer one of your own first if he is stuck, and say which words you need to hear before a subject is closed.
Have you ever lost your temper in a way that frightened you or someone else?
Why ask it
Ask it calmly and listen to how he tells it: whether he owns what happened, what he did about it afterwards, whether it has happened since. If the story puts all the blame on the other person, or his reaction to being asked scares you, take that to someone you trust before you go any further.
If I can see you are not all right and you tell me you are fine, what do you want me to do?
Why ask it
Get instructions now, while he is well: ask again later, leave him be for a day, call his brother. It also gives you his permission in advance, which makes it much easier to act on once he has stopped talking.
Are you still in touch with an ex, and how would you feel if I were?
Why ask it
Shared children, a shared friend group and an occasional message are very different things, so get the specifics. Turning it round is the fairness test: a rule he would not accept for himself is not a rule.
What did your last breakup teach you about yourself as a partner?
Why ask it
A man who learned something will tell you what he does differently now. If every former partner in the story was the unreasonable one, picture how he would one day describe you.
When did you last see a doctor, and is there anything about your health you have been putting off telling me?
Why ask it
Start with habit: whether he goes for checkups or waits until something hurts. Then comes what you would be living with, such as a diagnosis, medication, low moods or a condition that runs in his family. Thank him for whatever he tells you before you ask anything else.
Which of your habits would you least like me to keep count of: drinking, betting, gaming, spending?
Why ask it
The one he picks is often the one he already wonders about. Has anyone told him to cut back, and what did he do then? If the honest answer is that it is out of hand, getting help is something to start before the wedding, not after.
How to work through these before the wedding
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to run the conversations
Spread them over weeks
Three or four topics an evening, with something ordinary planned afterwards. A single marathon session turns into an interrogation, and by the last hour nobody is answering carefully.
Short on time: the first four in each group
Every group opens with the questions almost any couple needs settled: what marriage means to him, whether and when he wants children, what he has and owes, who does the housework, how much of your time his family gets, and what he does when he is angry. Taking the first four under each heading gives you two dozen for a first pass. Come back for the rest once you know which subject needs more time.
If he is a man you want to marry and has not asked
Start with the five in the first group about whether he sees himself married, what is holding him back and how long he thinks two people should wait. Ask them out of curiosity and not as a deadline, because a man who hears an ultimatum answers the ultimatum. Leave the ones that assume a wedding, such as names and holidays, until there is one. If his timing and yours turn out to be years apart, what you do with that is yours to decide.
Answer everything yourself first
Write your own answers down before you ask. It stops the conversation becoming an examination, and it shows you where your own position is vaguer than you assumed.
Let him ask them back
Nearly every question here works in the other direction, and a man reading this page before his own wedding can use it as it stands. Swap husband for wife where it appears, and expect to be asked each one in return. If only one of you is doing the asking, it has stopped being a conversation.
Ask what he did, not what he would do
Past behavior is evidence, hypotheticals are advertising. When he tells you how he handles conflict or money, ask for the most recent example, then compare it with what you remember.
Write down what you agree
Whose parents at which holiday, the spending figure, the parental leave plan. Two people rarely remember these conversations the same way, and a short written note settles arguments that would otherwise be about who said what.
Things worth verifying, not just discussing
- Debts and credit history, seen rather than described. How far one spouse's debts can reach the other depends on where you live, so ask how it works there
- Whether he actually has the insurance, will, or savings he mentions
- Any financial commitments to family members, including money sent regularly abroad
- Immigration or tax consequences of marrying, which vary by country and can be significant
- Whether a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement is worth advice in your jurisdiction, particularly with a business, property, or children from a previous relationship
Reading the answers
Specific beats agreeable
A partner who disagrees with you clearly is easier to plan a life with than one who agrees with everything and has considered nothing. Note which questions produced numbers, names, and dates, and which produced sentiment.
Watch for the deferred answer
We will cross that bridge, whatever you want, that is years away. Used once it is fine, used repeatedly it is a way of avoiding the decision until the decision has been made by default.
Separate a difference from a red flag
Wanting different holidays is a difference. Refusing to discuss money, becoming angry at being asked, or recasting your question as distrust is a pattern, and it is fair to expect the same pattern in later disagreements.
If a topic keeps stalling
Premarital counseling exists precisely for the two or three subjects a couple cannot get through alone, and a handful of sessions is normal rather than a sign of trouble. Many faith communities require or offer it, and secular couples counselors do the same work. If a conversation about money, children, or family becomes an argument every time you attempt it, take that specific topic to a third party rather than trying again on your own.
If an answer frightens you
A few of these questions touch temper, control and habits that have got out of hand. If what you hear makes you afraid of him, or he punishes you for asking, do not try to settle it in the same conversation. Talk it over with someone you trust, and if you are worried about your safety, contact a domestic abuse helpline in your country. A wedding date can be moved.