Questions to Ask a New Mom
Questions for visiting or calling a friend, sister or colleague in the first months after a birth, moving from easy openers to how she is actually doing. Written for people who want to be useful rather than entertained, and includes what to avoid asking.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How are you doing? Not the baby, you.
Why ask it
Almost every conversation she has had since the birth has been about the baby. Naming the redirection explicitly is what gives her permission to answer honestly, and the pause before she does often tells you more than the answer.
Did you get any sleep last night?
Why ask it
Concrete and easy to answer when she is too tired for anything reflective. It also gets you straight to the practical question of whether she needs an hour with the door shut more than she needs company.
What time of day is hardest right now?
Why ask it
Specific enough to answer while holding a baby, and directly useful: late afternoon and the small hours come up constantly. If you are offering help, this is the answer that tells you when to turn up.
Are you eating? What have you actually had today?
Why ask it
New mothers routinely go most of a day on toast, particularly while feeding. Asking what she has had rather than whether she is eating well gets a real answer, and it often produces the most obviously useful thing you can do.
How is your body healing?
Why ask it
Recovery from birth is physically significant and almost nobody asks after the first week. Follow her lead on detail: some will want to talk about stitches, bleeding or a caesarean scar, others will simply be relieved someone remembered.
How is feeding going?
Why ask it
Open enough to let her answer at whatever depth she wants, which matters because feeding is where the most judgment gets directed at new mothers. Do not follow it with an opinion, a comparison or a suggestion unless she asks for one.
Who is around during the week?
Why ask it
Establishes whether she is alone most days, which is the single biggest predictor of how hard this period will be. It also tells you where you fit without her having to ask for anything.
What has surprised you most so far?
Why ask it
A genuinely open question that lets her talk about the experience rather than her performance in it. Answers range from how physical it is to how boring some of it is, and both are a relief to say out loud.
What do people keep saying that you are tired of hearing?
Why ask it
Invites her to complain safely, which she has had few chances to do. It also quietly tells you what not to say for the rest of the visit, including whatever you were about to.
What are you enjoying that you did not expect to?
Why ask it
Balances the difficulty without insisting she look on the bright side. Small specific answers, the smell of her head, the noises at four in the morning, tend to come more easily than grand statements about love.
What is your partner doing, and is it enough?
Why ask it
Only ask if you are close, and ask without loading it. The answer to the second half is where resentment usually sits unspoken in the early months, and being able to say it to someone helps even when nothing changes.
What are you having to do that someone else could do for you?
Why ask it
More answerable than asking what she needs, because it points at tasks rather than requiring her to admit to needing help. Whatever she names, offer to take one of them specifically.
Has anything felt frightening or not like you?
Why ask it
Postnatal anxiety and depression are common and frequently missed, and intrusive frightening thoughts are more common than most people know. Ask calmly, do not diagnose, and if the answer concerns you, help her get a call with her midwife or doctor rather than reassuring her it is normal.
How honest are you being with the health visitor or your doctor?
Why ask it
Many women answer screening questions the way they think they should, fearing judgment or consequences. Asking gently gives her a chance to say what she has been holding back, and to say it to someone before the next appointment.
What do you miss?
Why ask it
Straightforward and rarely asked, because it feels close to disloyalty to the baby. Work, exercise, a shower without listening out, being uninterrupted in a conversation: naming it does not mean she regrets anything.
Do you feel like yourself?
Why ask it
Gets at the identity shift more honestly than asking how motherhood has changed her. Many women feel unrecognisable and assume that means something is wrong with them, so hearing the question asked plainly is often a relief.
What do you want from me: company, help, or to be left alone?
Why ask it
Removes the burden of hinting, and all three are legitimate answers. Ask before you visit as well as during, and take the third answer at face value without being wounded by it.
Would it help if I came at a set time each week?
Why ask it
A recurring slot is worth more than repeated offers she has to accept each time, because asking for help is the part she finds hard. Suggesting a specific day and hour makes it easy to say yes or to adjust.
Can I do something now while I am here?
Why ask it
Best asked while already standing in her kitchen. Name a task rather than offering in general: putting the washing on, taking the bins out, holding the baby while she showers.
What would you want me to know if I have a baby one day?
Why ask it
Best saved for later in the conversation, when she has been heard rather than interviewed. It treats her as someone with expertise instead of someone being checked on, and the answers are usually blunt and useful.
Visiting a new mother
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you go
Offer a time, not an open invitation
Asking when suits you makes her do the work of scheduling. Say you are free on Thursday afternoon, are happy to be turned down, and will not be offended by a cancellation on the day.
Bring food that needs nothing done to it
Something she can eat with one hand, cold, at an odd hour. A dish that needs assembling, or serving dishes she has to return, becomes another task.
Keep the visit short unless told otherwise
Forty minutes is plenty, and offering to leave is more generous than staying. Guests who settle in make the household perform hospitality on the worst possible sleep.
Do not arrive expecting to hold the baby
Some mothers want the break, others do not want to hand the baby over at all. Offer once, accept the answer, and be useful in the room instead.
What not to say
Anything comparing her recovery or her baby
Remarks about how quickly someone else got back to normal, or whether the baby is big, small, or sleeping less than another, land as judgment however they are meant. She is already comparing herself constantly.
Advice she did not ask for, especially about feeding and sleep
Feeding and sleep attract more unsolicited opinion than any other subject, and she has heard all of it. If you have something genuinely useful, ask whether she wants it first.
Enjoy every moment
It implies that finding any of it hard is a failure of gratitude, which is exactly what makes women hide how they are doing. Saying this is hard and you are doing it does the opposite.
Questions about her plans
When she is going back to work, whether she will have another, when the baby will be in its own room: these are all decisions she is under pressure about. Ask how she is instead.
If you are worried about her
What is worth noticing
Persistent low mood beyond the first fortnight, not sleeping even when the baby does, being unable to eat, expressions of worthlessness, frightening thoughts, or a flatness towards the baby. These are common and treatable, and they are not a character failing.
What to do about it
Say plainly what you have noticed, without diagnosing. Offer to sit with her while she calls her midwife, health visitor or doctor, or to make the call for her, and offer to look after the baby so she can attend.
When it needs to be today
If she talks about harming herself or the baby, or seems confused or not in touch with reality, that needs same-day medical help rather than a scheduled appointment. Stay with her and contact her maternity service or emergency services.