Questions to Ask Before Proposing
Essential questions to ask your partner before proposing that help ensure you're both ready for marriage and aligned on the most important aspects of your future together.
1What does marriage mean to you and what are your expectations for our relationship?
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What does marriage mean to you and what are your expectations for our relationship?
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Why this works
Fundamental question that reveals their understanding of marriage and ensures you're both on the same page about what commitment means to each of you.
2How do you envision our future together in terms of career, family, and lifestyle?
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How do you envision our future together in terms of career, family, and lifestyle?
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Why this works
Critical for understanding their long-term vision and ensuring your life goals are compatible, especially regarding children, career priorities, and where you want to live.
3What are your thoughts on having children, and if so, how many and when?
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What are your thoughts on having children, and if so, how many and when?
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Why this works
Essential question that can make or break a marriage. Understanding their views on children, timing, and parenting approaches is crucial for long-term compatibility.
4How do you handle conflict and what's your approach to resolving disagreements?
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How do you handle conflict and what's your approach to resolving disagreements?
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Why this works
Reveals their communication style and conflict resolution skills, which are fundamental to a successful marriage and help you understand how you'll work through problems together.
5What are your financial goals and how do you approach money management?
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What are your financial goals and how do you approach money management?
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Why this works
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. Understanding their financial philosophy, goals, and spending habits is essential for long-term compatibility.
6How important is your relationship with your family, and how do you want to handle family dynamics?
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How important is your relationship with your family, and how do you want to handle family dynamics?
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Why this works
Reveals their family values and helps you understand how they'll navigate relationships with in-laws, family traditions, and family obligations.
7What are your thoughts on religion, spirituality, and how do you want to raise our children in this regard?
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What are your thoughts on religion, spirituality, and how do you want to raise our children in this regard?
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Why this works
Important for understanding their spiritual beliefs and ensuring compatibility in how you'll approach faith, values, and raising children with shared principles.
8How do you want to handle household responsibilities and division of labor?
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How do you want to handle household responsibilities and division of labor?
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Why this works
Reveals their expectations about domestic life and helps ensure you're both comfortable with how you'll share responsibilities and maintain your home.
9What are your thoughts on maintaining individual friendships and social lives while married?
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What are your thoughts on maintaining individual friendships and social lives while married?
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Why this works
Important for understanding their views on independence and social relationships, ensuring you both have healthy boundaries and expectations about personal space.
10How do you want to handle major life decisions and what role should each of us play in decision-making?
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How do you want to handle major life decisions and what role should each of us play in decision-making?
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Why this works
Reveals their approach to partnership and helps ensure you're both comfortable with how you'll make important decisions together.
11What are your thoughts on intimacy and physical affection in a long-term relationship?
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What are your thoughts on intimacy and physical affection in a long-term relationship?
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Why this works
Important for understanding their views on physical connection and ensuring you're both comfortable with expectations around intimacy and affection.
12How do you want to handle holidays, traditions, and special occasions?
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How do you want to handle holidays, traditions, and special occasions?
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Why this works
Reveals their approach to celebrations and traditions, helping you understand how you'll navigate family expectations and create your own traditions together.
13What are your thoughts on career changes, relocating, or other major life transitions?
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What are your thoughts on career changes, relocating, or other major life transitions?
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Why this works
Important for understanding their flexibility and approach to change, especially regarding career moves, relocations, or other significant life decisions.
14How do you want to handle disagreements about parenting, if we have children?
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How do you want to handle disagreements about parenting, if we have children?
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Why this works
Reveals their approach to parenting and helps ensure you're both comfortable with how you'll handle different parenting styles and decisions.
15What are your thoughts on maintaining your individual identity while being part of a couple?
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What are your thoughts on maintaining your individual identity while being part of a couple?
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Why this works
Important for understanding their views on personal growth and independence, ensuring you both maintain your individual identities while building a life together.
16How do you want to handle stress, difficult times, and supporting each other through challenges?
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How do you want to handle stress, difficult times, and supporting each other through challenges?
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Why this works
Reveals their approach to emotional support and helps ensure you're both comfortable with how you'll navigate difficult periods together.
17What are your thoughts on therapy, counseling, or seeking help when we face relationship challenges?
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What are your thoughts on therapy, counseling, or seeking help when we face relationship challenges?
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Why this works
Important for understanding their openness to professional help and ensuring you're both comfortable with seeking support when needed.
18How do you want to handle differences in values, beliefs, or lifestyle preferences?
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How do you want to handle differences in values, beliefs, or lifestyle preferences?
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Why this works
Reveals their approach to compromise and helps ensure you're both comfortable with how you'll navigate differences and maintain respect for each other's perspectives.
19What are your thoughts on maintaining romance and keeping the relationship fresh over time?
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What are your thoughts on maintaining romance and keeping the relationship fresh over time?
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Why this works
Important for understanding their views on long-term romance and ensuring you're both committed to maintaining the spark and connection in your relationship.
20What are your biggest fears about marriage, and how can we address them together?
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What are your biggest fears about marriage, and how can we address them together?
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Why this works
Reveals their concerns and vulnerabilities, helping you understand what they're worried about and how you can support each other in addressing these fears.
How to Have Meaningful Pre-Proposal Conversations
Expert tips and techniques for getting the most out of these questions.
Best Practices
Create a Safe, Open Environment
Choose a comfortable, private setting where you can both speak honestly without fear of judgment. Make it clear that these conversations are about understanding each other, not testing compatibility.
Listen Without Defensiveness
Approach these conversations with an open mind and heart. Listen to understand, not to respond. Your partner's answers may reveal differences that need to be addressed.
Be Honest About Your Own Views
Share your own thoughts and feelings openly. These conversations should be two-way, helping you both understand each other's perspectives and values.
Take Time to Process
Don't rush through these conversations. Take time to think about the answers and discuss any concerns or differences that arise.
Question Sequences
The Foundation Building Sequence
The Compatibility Check Sequence
Common Pitfalls
Don't Avoid Difficult Topics
Avoiding tough conversations now will only create problems later. Address difficult topics like money, children, and family dynamics before making a commitment.
Avoid Making Assumptions
Don't assume you know their answers or that they'll change their mind later. Ask direct questions and listen to their actual responses.
Don't Rush the Process
These conversations take time and may need to happen over multiple discussions. Don't try to cover everything in one conversation.
Avoid Getting Defensive
If you hear answers that concern you, don't get defensive or try to change their mind. Focus on understanding their perspective and discussing how to address differences.