20 Questions

Questions to Ask a Cheating Girlfriend

Sensitive questions that help you understand the situation, assess the relationship's future, and make informed decisions about trust and commitment.

1

What happened and when did it start?

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Why this works

Establishes the facts and timeline of the situation, helping you understand the scope and duration of the infidelity.

2

Why did you choose to be unfaithful?

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Why this works

Helps you understand the underlying reasons and motivations, which is crucial for determining whether the relationship can be repaired.

3

How do you feel about what happened?

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Why this works

Assesses their level of remorse and understanding of the impact their actions had on you and the relationship.

4

What was missing in our relationship that led to this?

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Why this works

Helps identify relationship issues that may have contributed to the infidelity and whether they can be addressed.

5

Do you want to work on rebuilding trust and the relationship?

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Why this works

Determines their commitment to repairing the relationship and whether they're willing to put in the necessary work.

6

What steps are you willing to take to rebuild trust?

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Why this works

Assesses their understanding of what it takes to rebuild trust and their willingness to make necessary changes.

7

How do you plan to prevent this from happening again?

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Why this works

Helps you understand their commitment to change and whether they have a plan for avoiding future infidelity.

8

What do you need from me to make this relationship work?

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Why this works

Shows their understanding that rebuilding the relationship requires effort from both parties and helps identify what they need from you.

9

How do you see our relationship moving forward?

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Why this works

Helps you understand their vision for the future and whether it aligns with your own goals and expectations.

10

What boundaries do you think we need to establish?

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Why this works

Shows their understanding of the need for clear boundaries and helps you both establish guidelines for the relationship.

11

How do you plan to rebuild my trust in you?

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Why this works

Assesses their understanding of the trust-building process and their commitment to earning back your trust.

12

What do you think I need to know about the situation?

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Why this works

Gives them an opportunity to share important information and shows their willingness to be transparent.

13

How do you plan to address the underlying issues in our relationship?

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Why this works

Helps you understand their commitment to addressing relationship problems and whether they're willing to work on them.

14

What do you think I need to do differently?

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Why this works

Shows their understanding that rebuilding the relationship may require changes from both parties and helps identify areas for improvement.

15

How do you plan to communicate better with me?

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Why this works

Assesses their understanding of the importance of communication and their commitment to improving it.

16

What do you think I need to understand about your perspective?

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Why this works

Gives them an opportunity to share their perspective and helps you understand their point of view.

17

How do you plan to show me that you're committed to this relationship?

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Why this works

Helps you understand their commitment to the relationship and what actions they're willing to take to demonstrate it.

18

What do you think I need to do to help rebuild our relationship?

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Why this works

Shows their understanding that rebuilding the relationship requires effort from both parties and helps identify what they need from you.

19

How do you plan to address any guilt or shame you may be feeling?

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Why this works

Helps you understand their emotional state and their approach to dealing with the consequences of their actions.

20

What do you think I need to know about your feelings for me?

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Why this works

Gives them an opportunity to express their feelings and helps you understand their emotional commitment to the relationship.

Navigating Infidelity in Relationships

Expert tips and techniques for getting the most out of these questions.

Best Practices

Prioritize Your Emotional Well-being

Take care of yourself first. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you process your emotions and make decisions.

Be Honest About Your Feelings

Express your feelings honestly and clearly. Don't suppress your emotions or pretend everything is okay when it's not.

Consider Professional Help

Consider couples therapy or individual counseling to help you navigate the complex emotions and decisions involved in dealing with infidelity.

Question Sequences

The Understanding Sequence

1
What happened and when did it start?
2
Why did you choose to be unfaithful?
3
How do you feel about what happened?

The Rebuilding Sequence

1
Do you want to work on rebuilding trust and the relationship?
2
What steps are you willing to take to rebuild trust?
3
How do you plan to prevent this from happening again?

Common Pitfalls

Don't Ignore Your Own Needs

While it's important to understand their perspective, don't lose sight of your own needs and feelings. Your well-being is paramount.

Don't Rush the Process

Rebuilding trust takes time. Don't feel pressured to make quick decisions or to forgive before you're ready.

Don't Blame Yourself

Remember that infidelity is a choice made by the other person. Don't blame yourself for their actions or decisions.

Conversation Templates

The Understanding Approach

1
Step 1: Start with: "What happened and when did it start?"
2
Step 2: Follow with: "Why did you choose to be unfaithful?"
3
Step 3: Conclude with: "How do you feel about what happened?"

The Rebuilding Approach

1
Step 1: Begin with: "Do you want to work on rebuilding trust and the relationship?"
2
Step 2: Ask: "What steps are you willing to take to rebuild trust?"
3
Step 3: End with: "How do you plan to prevent this from happening again?"

Further Reading

"After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring
"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass
"The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel
Couples therapy and relationship counseling resources
Support groups for individuals dealing with infidelity

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