Questions to Ask Parents on Their 50th Anniversary
Questions to ask parents on their anniversary have more to work with at fifty years: a wedding most of the guests never saw, a first home, children, losses, and two people who may still tell the story differently. The 63 questions here run in the order the day does: How you met and The wedding for the table, Building a life for the long middle, In private for the hard years with nobody else listening, a group for grandchildren to ask, and Fifty years on for the toast. They are written for a son or daughter, and they work as well for a friend or a writer sitting down with any couple married 50 years. For grandparents on their 60th wedding anniversary, say sixty for fifty and start with the Grandchildren group.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
How you met
How did you two actually meet? Do you tell it the same way?
Why ask it
The two accounts rarely match, and the mismatch is the point. Ask each of them to tell it without the other interrupting, then let them argue about the details in front of everyone.
What did you think of each other at the start, honestly?
Why ask it
Fifty years of retelling smooths a beginning into destiny. The word honestly gives them room to admit indifference, doubt, or somebody else who was on the scene at the time.
Who made the first move, and how long did the other one take to notice?
Why ask it
Each may insist it was the other, or both may claim it. It suits a full table because nothing in it is private, and a brother or bridesmaid who was there can be called on to settle it.
Where did you go on dates back then, and how did you get there?
Why ask it
The transport places the story better than the year does: a bus, a borrowed car, a lift from an older brother, a long walk home. Ask who paid as well, and whether that was ever up for discussion.
When did each of you know this was the one, and who knew first?
Why ask it
Their dates may be far apart. If one was sure a year before the other, ask what the slower one was waiting for, and whether the faster one knew they were being weighed up.
What was the first thing you ever gave each other?
Why ask it
A first present is small and oddly well remembered: a record, a scarf, a book with something written inside. Ask whether it survived, because it sometimes turns up in a drawer during the week of the party.
How did the proposal go, or was there no proposal at all?
Why ask it
Not every engagement of that time began with a ring and a bended knee. Leaving room for 'we just agreed' lets them tell the plain version, and the plain version is often funnier.
How did your families take it when you got engaged?
Why ask it
This is where approvals, objections and money come into the story. Look round the table before you ask, because the relative who was against the match may be sitting at it.
What did the two of you own between you on the day you got engaged?
Why ask it
The answer is a short inventory: a little saved, a job, a suitcase, perhaps a bicycle. Said aloud at a golden anniversary, it shows the guests what the fifty years started from.
The wedding
What do you remember about the wedding day that isn't in the photographs?
Why ask it
The photographs cover the ceremony. This answer covers the rain, the missing guest, the argument in the car, and the food, which is what a room full of guests actually wants to hear.
Which of you was more nervous that morning, and who calmed you down?
Why ask it
Listen for the name of a bridesmaid, a brother or a parent who had a quiet word at the right moment. If that person is at the party, or is remembered fondly, they belong in the toast.
Where did the dress and the suit come from, and where are they now?
Why ask it
Borrowed, sewn at a kitchen table, paid off in instalments: the answer tells you the year and the family budget in one go. If the dress is still in a wardrobe, ask whether it can come out for the afternoon.
What music was played at the wedding, and what did the two of you dance to?
Why ask it
If they name a song, find it on a phone while they are still talking and play it. Whether they get up or only hum along, hold the next question until it has finished.
What was served at the reception, and what ran out?
Why ask it
Wedding food is recalled with surprising precision, including who complained about it. It also hands whoever is planning the anniversary meal one dish worth repeating.
Who stood beside you that day, and who do you wish could be in this room now?
Why ask it
Some of the wedding party may be sitting at the anniversary table, so let the couple point them out. The second half will bring up people who have died; ask it slowly and leave a pause before the next question.
What did you promise each other that day, and which promise did you understand least back then?
Why ask it
Some couples wrote their own words and others repeated a set form, so ask first what was actually said. 'In sickness and in health' reads one way on a wedding day and another after fifty years, and they may say so without being pushed.
What were you given as wedding presents, and is any of it still in use?
Why ask it
There is nearly always a survivor: a set of bowls, a clock, a blanket that has been on every bed in the house. Put it on the table if you can, because an object gets them talking faster than a question does.
Where did you go after the wedding, and for how long?
Why ask it
For some couples the honeymoon was two nights at a relative's house, or work again on the Monday. A modest answer is good to hear aloud, and it sits nicely beside whatever the grandchildren are planning for their own.
If you could have one hour of that day again, which hour would it be?
Why ask it
Have each of them pick separately, and do not be surprised if neither picks the ceremony. It might be the walk out of the building, the first quiet minute alone or a dance with a parent.
Building a life
Where was your first home together, and how did you afford it?
Why ask it
Get the address, the rent or the price, and whatever was wrong with the place. The figure will sound absurd now, and a name may come with it: the parent or uncle who lent the first month's money.
What was the first year of marriage actually like?
Why ask it
At an anniversary the first year tends to get one fond sentence. Asking what it was actually like brings out the practical business of two people learning to share a room, a budget and a bathroom.
What was the first real argument you had after the wedding?
Why ask it
They may not agree on which one counts as the first, which is a small argument in its own right. Ask who gave way and how long it took, and keep it light if guests are listening.
Who did the cooking, the money and the repairs at the start, and when did that change?
Why ask it
The early division of work was often assumed and never discussed, and one of them may still have views about it. Expect teasing, and expect a grandchild to be amazed at who never once made dinner.
What work were you each doing, and whose job decided where you lived?
Why ask it
Back then this may have been settled without much of a conversation, and it shaped the town, the house and who stayed at home. Ask it without judgement and let each of them say how it looks from here.
What do you each remember about the days we were born?
Why ask it
One of them may have been in a waiting room, at work or minding the older children, so the two accounts can sound like different days. Ask it when all the siblings are present so that nobody's arrival gets left out.
How did having children change the two of you?
Why ask it
A son or daughter is asking about their own arrival here, so say plainly that you can take an honest answer. Less sleep, less money and less of each other are the likely ones, alongside whatever it gave them.
Which decision did the two of you make together that changed everything?
Why ask it
It could be a move, a job turned down, a house, a relative taken in. Ask who argued for it and who needed persuading, since the family has probably only ever heard the outcome.
Of all the places you lived, which one felt most like home?
Why ask it
It walks them through the addresses in order, a tidy way to cover five decades in five minutes. If the house is close enough, a drive past it makes a good outing on the day after the party.
Who were your closest friends back then, and are any of them still around?
Why ask it
Fifty years means outliving people, and this makes room for that without making it the subject. Names from this answer are worth adding to a guest list or a phone call.
Which trip do the two of you still bring up?
Why ask it
It is as likely to be the trip where the car broke down as the one that went to plan. Ask whether any photographs or tickets were kept, and get them out.
Which family traditions did the two of you start, and which did you inherit?
Why ask it
Sorting the customs into started and inherited shows which parts of family life they chose for themselves. It also tells the next generation which ones they would be sorry to see dropped.
Which stretch of the fifty years would you gladly live through again?
Why ask it
They may not choose the same decade, and that difference deserves a follow-up. The reasons are often plain ones: everyone under one roof, good work, nobody ill.
In private
Was there a point where it nearly didn't last?
Why ask it
Ask this with nobody else in the room, and only if you can live with a yes. If either of them answers, take what they offer and do not ask for more detail.
What got you through the worst stretch?
Why ask it
This asks about the way out, not about what went wrong, so it is the easier one to answer. They might name a person, an obligation or plain stubbornness; do not expect anything romantic.
Was there a year when you didn't know how the bills would get paid?
Why ask it
Children often lived through that year noticing nothing except a holiday that did not happen. Ask one parent at a time, and say so if the answer explains something about your own childhood.
What did each of you give up for the other?
Why ask it
Families tend to tell this in one direction: the career she left, or the town he never went back to. Put it to them separately, and ask how each feels about it now, which matters more than the list.
What did you stop trying to change about each other?
Why ask it
A long marriage includes giving up on a few things as well as keeping promises. What each of them names is likely something they once fought over, and the year they let it go is worth asking for.
Which loss hit the two of you hardest, and did you grieve it the same way?
Why ask it
Five decades hold several: a parent, a friend, sometimes a child or a pregnancy. Let them choose which one to name, never supply it yourself, and be ready to sit quietly for a while afterwards.
What do you wish you had said sorry for sooner?
Why ask it
An apology that is thirty years late can still be made, and this question sometimes prompts one on the spot. Put it to each of them alone, so that it is offered freely and not extracted in front of the other.
What worried you about us that you never mentioned at the time?
Why ask it
There may have been worries about each child that the two of them only ever talked over with one another, late at night. Hearing one now can be a relief on both sides, though you might learn how closely you were being watched.
What have the two of you agreed about the years ahead that we ought to know?
Why ask it
Keep it for a quiet day near the anniversary, and listen before you offer anything. Health, where to live and who would manage alone may be on their minds whether or not anybody raises them. If their wishes touch on wills, care or money, how that works depends on where they live, so suggest they go over it with someone qualified there.
Grandchildren
What was each of you like when you were my age?
Why ask it
It works for a grandchild of seven or of twenty-seven, and the answer changes to fit. Grandparents tend to compare themselves with the child in front of them, and that comparison is what the child keeps.
When you were first going out together, what time did you have to be home?
Why ask it
A curfew, a parent waiting up and a car that had to be back by a set hour are stories teenagers enjoy more than they expect to. It also tells them their grandparents were once the ones being told off.
What did you call each other back then, and what do you call each other now?
Why ask it
Pet names embarrass the couple slightly and delight the youngest people in the room. There may be one that has never been said in front of the family before.
Who is the better cook, the better driver and the better dancer?
Why ask it
Three quick verdicts that even a small child can ask and keep score on. Have them answer together on the count of three, so the disagreement shows.
What did a loaf of bread, a cinema ticket and a week's rent cost the year you married?
Why ask it
Prices are the easiest way for a child to grasp how long fifty or sixty years is. Write the figures on a card beside today's and leave it on the table for the guests.
Can you show me your wedding photograph and tell me who everybody is?
Why ask it
More a request than a question, and the right one to give the youngest grandchild. An older cousin should note the names as they are said, since the couple may be the last people who can put a name to every face.
What do the two of you still do together every single day?
Why ask it
Expect something small: a crossword, the same walk, tea at the same hour. A grandchild has probably watched it happen on visits without realising it was a ritual.
What did you think the first time you held one of us?
Why ask it
Every grandchild at the party will want their own version, so allow time. It is a kind question for a 60th, when the grandchildren are grown and the answer can be told to an adult.
How do you stay married for this long?
Why ask it
Every guest wants this one answered, and it lands best from the smallest voice in the room. A joke comes first; wait, and a real answer generally follows it.
Fifty years on
What's the story about the two of you that still gets told at every family gathering?
Why ask it
Which story the family kept shows what fifty years has been condensed into: a disaster, a courtship, one good line at somebody's expense. Ask which of them tells it better, then let the other correct the record, because the correction is the part nobody has heard.
How did you spend your first anniversary, and where were you on the twenty-fifth?
Why ask it
The first may have been a meal they could barely afford, and the twenty-fifth a party with teenagers underfoot. Set beside today, the three occasions give a toast its shape: then, halfway, now.
What changed once it was just the two of you in the house again?
Why ask it
Children leaving, retirement or an illness can put a couple in the same rooms all day for the first time in decades. Expect practical answers: separate mornings, a second television, a hobby that gets one of them out of the house.
Which habit of the other's used to drive you mad and now you would miss?
Why ask it
Fifty years can turn an irritation into something that would be missed, and this lets them say so. The owner of the habit may have had no idea it was ever a problem.
What do you still not agree about?
Why ask it
They will probably start disagreeing about it there and then, which is the liveliest minute you will get. Politics, the thermostat, how to load a dishwasher: it shows the guests that fifty years did not take agreement.
What still surprises you about each other?
Why ask it
After half a century they are expected to know everything, so a real answer here is worth having. It may be something recent: a new interest, an opinion changed, patience that was not there at forty.
What's the kindest thing the other one has done for you?
Why ask it
Ask each of them about the other while both are listening. The answer is often small, decades old, and news to everybody else in the room.
How is being married different for our generation from how it was for yours?
Why ask it
This turns the couple into observers of their children's marriages, which they have opinions about and have mostly kept to themselves. Ask only if you are prepared to hear the comparison.
What are you proudest of having made together?
Why ask it
Leave the word 'made' open and see where they take it: a family, a business, a garden, a house full of people every winter. Whatever they choose is a ready first line for the toast.
What would you tell a couple in their second year of marriage?
Why ask it
Naming the second year gets a more useful answer than asking for advice to newlyweds, because it points at the stage where the ceremony has worn off and the work starts. If a grandchild has recently married, ask it on their behalf.
If you were starting out again tomorrow, what would you do differently?
Why ask it
'Nothing' is the polite answer, so wait for the second one. It tends to be modest and specific: travel sooner, worry less about money, move nearer the grandchildren.
What is still on the list, something the two of you mean to do?
Why ask it
An anniversary conversation spends hours on the past, and this turns it round to next year. If the answer is a trip or a visit the family could arrange, you have found the present.
What do you hope we remember about the two of you?
Why ask it
Save it for last, when the plates are cleared and they have been talking for a while. Write the answer down as they give it, because it is the line the family will want word for word later.
Asking at a Golden Anniversary
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
In public or in private
Sort the questions into two piles first
How you met, The wedding, Grandchildren and Fifty years on are written for a table with guests at it, and most of Building a life is safe there too. Everything under In private should be asked with nobody else in the room, and one parent at a time where the note says so.
Ask each of them, not the couple
A question addressed to both gets answered by whoever speaks first while the other nods. Name one, listen, then ask the other for their version of the same thing.
Record it early in the day
Ask before you record anything, then do it before the guests arrive. Later on there is noise, wine and tiredness; an hour in the morning gets you answers you can actually hear and leaves them energy for the party.
Give the grandchildren one question each
Children get answers that adults do not, and the couple usually softens for them. Write one question per card and hand them out before the meal.
Common pitfalls
Asking about the hard years in front of guests
A separation that nearly happened, a bereavement, money trouble, an affair. In public these get a polite version that is close to untrue, and the asking itself can be unkind.
Introducing the question with a speech
Telling them how remarkable fifty years is before you ask anything produces a modest deflection. Ask plainly and let the answers carry the occasion.
Letting one spouse answer for both
If one of them consistently speaks for the pair, ask the quieter one directly or catch them separately later. Their answers differ in ways worth knowing.
Ignoring how much energy this takes
If either of them tires easily or has trouble with recall, use short factual questions and photographs, and stop before they are worn out. Two short sittings work better than one long one.
A 60th, grandparents, or a couple who are not your parents
For a 60th wedding anniversary
Say sixty wherever a question says fifty and the list holds. What changes is the room: fewer of the wedding guests are alive, so the question about who they wish could be there is heavier and may be better asked in the morning than at the meal. Plan two short sittings, and give the great-grandchildren the three verdicts and the pet names.
When the couple are your grandparents
Open with the Grandchildren group, then go back to How you met and The wedding. Leave In private to their sons and daughters unless a grandparent brings one of those subjects up. It is worth asking your own parent beforehand whether there is a year or a name the family steps around.
When you are a friend, a neighbour or writing it up
For a couple married 50 years who are not your family, perhaps for a church newsletter or a card from the street, keep to How you met, The wedding and Fifty years on. Tell them where their answers will appear and read back anything you plan to quote before it is printed.
Turning the answers into a toast
Three answers are enough: one detail from the wedding day that nobody knew, one thing each said about the other, and the line they gave for the couple in their second year. Use their words, name who said which, and stop before two minutes are up.
Worth doing on the day
- Get the wedding day recorded once, properly, rather than in fragments across the afternoon.
- Write down the names of friends and relatives they mention. You will want them for the next occasion.
- Go through the wedding photographs while both of them are there to name who is in them.
- Ask one question and let the answer run long, rather than working through a list.
- If the couple are happy for it to be shared, send the recording to everyone who came and to the relatives who could not travel.