Questions to Ask Priests
Questions for a real conversation with a priest about the work, the vocation, and the parts of faith that are harder to talk about. Written with Catholic, Anglican, and Orthodox clergy in mind.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What led you to the priesthood, and when did you first take the idea seriously?
Why ask it
Most answers come in two parts: an early pull, then a decision years later. The gap between them is where the story actually lives, and an answer of "I always knew" usually means they would rather not go into it yet.
What did your family say when you told them?
Why ask it
Reactions range from pride to grief over grandchildren who will not exist. This is often the first moment a priest speaks as a son or a brother rather than as a cleric.
What does an ordinary weekday look like for you?
Why ask it
The answer is usually far more administrative than people expect: emails, a boiler, a school visit, a hospital call. It also shows you when in the week they are least likely to be interrupted, which is useful if you want to talk again.
What part of this work did seminary not prepare you for?
Why ask it
Seminary covers theology thoroughly and things like budgets, staff conflict, and sitting with a family after a suicide much less so. The gap they name tells you where they had to learn on their own.
What is the hardest part of the job that people outside the parish never see?
Why ask it
Expect something like loneliness, the volume of small requests, or being on call for grief with no one to hand it to. If the answer is a stock line about a busy schedule, the conversation has not gone deep enough yet.
How do you keep your own prayer going when prayer is also your job?
Why ask it
Priests pray publicly for a living, which can quietly crowd out private prayer. Listen for whether they name something concrete and protected, or admit that this is the thing that slips first.
What do you do after a funeral?
Why ask it
A specific, ordinary question that gets at how someone metabolizes other people's grief week after week. The answer is often a walk, a phone call, or nothing at all, which is itself worth hearing.
How do you carry what you hear in confession without carrying it home?
Why ask it
Asks about the weight, not the content, which keeps the question inside the seal. A priest cannot tell you anything he has heard, and a good answer will be about his own habits rather than anyone else's sins.
How do you decide what to say when the readings are difficult?
Why ask it
Preaching on a hard text forces a choice between softening it and letting it stand. How they describe that choice tells you more about their theology than a direct question about doctrine would.
What does the Eucharist mean to you now compared with your first Mass?
Why ask it
The contrast is the point. Most priests describe the first Mass as overwhelming and the present as steadier, and how they explain that shift says a great deal about how they understand grace.
Who taught you the most about being a priest?
Why ask it
Usually a named older priest rather than a book. Asking what specifically they learned from him turns a warm answer into a concrete one.
Which spiritual writer or saint do you actually return to?
Why ask it
The word "actually" separates the figure they admire from the one they reread. The second answer is more useful, and often more surprising, than the first.
What do you say to someone who tells you they have lost their faith?
Why ask it
Reveals whether their instinct is to argue, to reassure, or to stay and listen. Watch for whether they distinguish between doubt and grief, because the two are frequently confused.
Have there been long periods when God felt absent, and what did you do then?
Why ask it
Clergy are not exempt from dryness, and many will say so if asked plainly. An answer that denies it entirely may be honest, but it may also be the answer they think they are supposed to give.
What do you wish parishioners understood about what you can and cannot change?
Why ask it
Much of the frustration aimed at priests concerns decisions made by a diocese, a bishop, or canon law. This question lets them draw the line between their own authority and everything above it.
When someone comes to you in the middle of a crisis, what do you actually offer?
Why ask it
The honest answer is often presence rather than answers. How they describe those moments shows whether they feel the need to fix things or can sit with something unfixable.
What is the most common misunderstanding you hear about the Church's teaching?
Why ask it
You will learn both the teaching and where they think the Church has failed to explain itself. If they answer only with a correction and no self-criticism, that is informative too.
How do you work with clergy and believers of other traditions here?
Why ask it
Local practice varies far more than official statements suggest. Ask for an example rather than a principle: a shared food bank, a joint service, or nothing at all.
Has being a priest changed how you think about God?
Why ask it
Best asked late, after the easier questions have built some trust. Answers often move from certainty toward mercy, and the specific thing that moved them is worth waiting for.
Is there anything I can pray for, or anything the parish needs?
Why ask it
Reverses the direction of the conversation, which almost never happens for clergy. Many priests spend every conversation being asked for something, and being asked what they need lands differently.
Talking with a Priest
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting up the conversation
Ask for time rather than catching them
The five minutes before Mass and the doorway afterward are the worst moments to start anything real. Email the parish office or ask in person for half an hour on a weekday, and say roughly what you want to talk about so they can arrive ready.
Say why you are asking
A priest hears these questions differently depending on whether you are discerning a vocation, coming back to the Church after years away, writing something, or grieving. Naming your reason at the start saves both of you from guessing.
Follow one thread instead of all twenty
Pick three or four questions and follow whichever one opens up. A single answer taken two levels deeper is worth more than a run through a list.
What not to ask
Nothing about the content of confession
The seal is absolute and admits no exceptions, so questions that circle it put a priest in an impossible position. Asking how he carries the weight is fine. Asking what people confess is not.
Nothing about identifiable parishioners
Questions about a specific family's situation, a marriage, or an annulment cannot be answered, even in general terms, without breaking a confidence.
Do not turn it into a debate
If you disagree with a teaching, ask him to explain how he understands it rather than asking him to defend it. You will get a fuller answer, and the conversation will still be open afterward.
Listening well
Let the pauses run
Several of these questions ask about loneliness, doubt, and grief. Priests are used to filling silence for other people, so leaving a pause open often produces the honest version of an answer.
Notice who he speaks as
Answers shift between the official voice and the personal one. The shift usually happens around family, seminary, or a specific funeral, and that is where the conversation has actually started.
Close by offering something
Ask what you can pray for or where the parish is short-handed. It ends the conversation as an exchange rather than an interview, and it makes a second conversation likely.