Questions to Ask Sisters
Questions for a real conversation with a sister, from the childhood the two of you remember differently to current worries, old grievances, and how you will handle your parents getting older.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What do you remember about our childhood that I do not?
Why ask it
Sisters store different halves of the same childhood. Her version tends to contain arguments, kindnesses, and whole rooms you were too young or too distracted to register, and comparing them is how you find out which of you was shielded from what.
Which story about the two of us do you tell other people?
Why ask it
The story she repeats to friends is the version of the two of you she has settled on. If you are the punchline in it, better to hear that out loud than to guess at it for another decade.
What did you think of me when we were kids?
Why ask it
Children almost never tell each other this at the time. Expect something blunter than you would like: sisters remember being bossed, ignored, or imitated, and hearing it now is usually easier than the version you have invented.
What has been the best part of this year for you?
Why ask it
A deliberate lighter question so the whole conversation is not archaeology. Watch for whether she reaches for something concrete, a trip, a good run at work, a new friend, or has to search for anything good at all, because the search itself is worth following up on.
What is going on in your life at the moment that I probably have wrong?
Why ask it
Assume you are out of date, because most siblings are. This invites her to correct the picture you carry around, which is often two years old and partly assembled from what your parents told you.
What do you do that you picked up from Mom or Dad without meaning to?
Why ask it
Inherited habits are far easier to spot in a sibling than in yourself. Saying them out loud lets you both decide which ones you actually want, instead of repeating them by default for another thirty years.
Which of us turned out more like which parent?
Why ask it
You will probably disagree, and the disagreement is the interesting part. Most people underestimate the parent they resemble most, so her answer about you is likely more accurate than your own.
What was the hardest year in our house, and what was going on for you?
Why ask it
Same house, very different year. Depending on your ages, one of you may have absorbed a job loss, an illness, or a bad patch between your parents while the other was kept clear of it entirely.
Were you ever jealous of me, and about what?
Why ask it
Sibling jealousy is ordinary and almost never discussed once everyone is grown. Putting it in the past tense makes it answerable, and the answer often explains a habit of hers you have never understood.
What did our parents handle differently with you than with me?
Why ask it
Rules loosen or tighten with birth order and parents rarely admit it. The grievance is usually about curfews, money, or attention, and it becomes much easier to carry once both of you can name it plainly.
What do you wish I had done for you when we were younger?
Why ask it
Harder than it sounds, because any honest answer is an accusation with love in it. Treat what she says as information about what she needed, not as a verdict on the child you were at the time.
When did we stop being kids together and become adults who are related?
Why ask it
The shift happens without an announcement, usually at a move, a wedding, or a funeral. Pinning down when it happened gives you both language for why the relationship feels different than it used to.
What are you actually worried about right now?
Why ask it
People say fine when asked how they are, then answer this. Ask about the current worry rather than her fears in general: the general version invites a philosophy, the specific one invites the truth.
What do you want out of your work over the next few years?
Why ask it
Sisters tend to run on a description of each other's ambitions that is ten years stale. She may now want fewer hours rather than a promotion, or to leave the field altogether, and never have said so.
What are you good at that our family has never really noticed?
Why ask it
Families fix a description of each person early and then stop updating it. This is her chance to claim something she has never been given credit for at home, which is often the thing she is proudest of.
What do you need from me that you have never asked for?
Why ask it
Most people have one ask they have never made because it seems too large or too obvious. If she cannot answer, offer something concrete instead and watch whether she takes it.
Is there anything between us that you are still holding onto?
Why ask it
Far better asked directly than left to leak out at a holiday. The answer is usually smaller than you fear, and a grudge named in a calm moment loses most of its charge.
How do you want the two of us to handle it when our parents need help?
Why ask it
Conflict between siblings over aging parents is nearly always about who assumed and who was assumed about. Having this conversation before there is a crisis is the only version of it that stays calm.
What do you want the two of us to be like at sixty?
Why ask it
Turns the relationship into something you are building rather than something you were handed. Notice whether her picture includes you at all, and how often she imagines actually seeing you.
What do you want me to know about you that I still do not?
Why ask it
A deliberately open ending. What comes out is often not new information but something she has told you before and does not believe you took in.
Having this conversation with a sister
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Choosing the moment
- One to one works far better than a family gathering, where everyone edits for the audience.
- A car, a walk, or a long kitchen clean-up beats a face to face sit-down. Sisters say more when there is somewhere else to look.
- If you live apart, a scheduled call is fine, but say what it is for. Opening cold with what do you wish I had done for you just makes her defensive.
- Do not lead with the hardest question because you are worried about running out of time. It reads as an ambush even when it is not.
When old grievances come up
- Expect at least one memory you dispute. Two people can remember the same evening incompatibly and both be telling the truth, and you do not have to settle which is right.
- If she raises something you did, acknowledge the effect before you explain your reasons. Explanation first reads as defense, however fair the reason is.
- Apologize for the specific thing rather than for being a bad sister in general. The general apology quietly asks her to comfort you.
- If a subject gets too hot, say out loud that you want to come back to it, rather than changing the topic and hoping she does not notice.
If you are not close
- Skip the questions about wishes and grievances for now. Start with her current life and let the relationship earn the rest.
- Be straightforward that you are trying to know her better. Distant siblings can usually tell when they are being handled.
- Accept short answers without pushing. One real answer per conversation is a reasonable rate.
- Follow up on something she mentioned, weeks later, unprompted. That does more than any single question here.
Adapting these
- With a much younger sister, drop the questions about your parents' choices and stay on her present life. She may not have the distance yet to answer the rest without it turning into a complaint session.
- With a sister who has young children, ask about her rather than about them. She is asked about them constantly.
- If your parents have died, the questions about them become memorial rather than practical. Ask instead what she wants your family to keep doing.
- With several sisters, ask individually. In a group, the oldest usually answers first and the others agree with her.