Questions to Ask Wedding Guests
Questions to ask wedding guests, whether you are seated next to strangers or you are the couple doing the rounds: 56 in six groups, from easy openers and stories about the couple to questions for hosts, prompts for a guest book or video, and the few worth putting on the RSVP.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
How do you know the couple?
Why ask it
The standard opener, and worth keeping because it hands the other person a choice of how much to say. Notice which of the two they mention first: it tells you whose side of the room you are sitting on and which stories they will have.
Have you come far today?
Why ask it
Small talk that earns its place: distance travelled explains who is staying over, who is leaving before the band, and who has been in a car since six in the morning and needs food more than conversation.
What did you think of the ceremony?
Why ask it
It is the one thing every guest in the room has just sat through, so nobody is stuck for an answer. People pick a detail: a reading, the music, a child escaping down the aisle. Whichever one they choose is the thing to ask about next.
Do you know many people here, or are we in the same boat?
Why ask it
Naming the situation takes the awkwardness out of it. If they know almost nobody either, you have each found your company for the drinks hour. If they know half the room, ask who you ought to meet.
What has been the best part of the day for you so far?
Why ask it
It works from the first drink to the last dance because the answer keeps changing. Early on people name the vows or the walk down the aisle; by ten o'clock it is something that happened at their own table.
Have you been to this venue before?
Why ask it
Low stakes, and useful. Anyone who has will tell you where the good spot outside is and how loud the room gets after dinner. It also gives someone shy an easy factual thing to contribute.
Which of them do you think is going to cry first?
Why ask it
A light question that people enjoy getting wrong. Ask it before the ceremony or the speeches, at a table where nobody has spoken yet: everyone can answer, and there is a result later to check the guesses against.
Whose speech are you most looking forward to?
Why ask it
Someone at the table usually knows which speaker has been dreading it for months and which one has to be kept under five minutes. Once the speeches are over, turn it round and ask which line they will remember.
Are you first on the dance floor at these things, or do you need persuading?
Why ask it
Ask it over dinner and you have a reason to find each other when the music starts. Guests who claim they never dance tend to admit to one song that would change their mind, so ask which and tell the DJ.
Is there anyone here you had not seen in years?
Why ask it
Weddings double as reunions, and most guests have already spotted a cousin or an old housemate across the room. Asking gets you a second person to be introduced to, which matters if you arrived knowing nobody.
Have you eaten anything today that I should go and find?
Why ask it
Food is the safest subject in the building, and the one where a stranger's tip is worth having. Good while the canapés are going round or at a buffet. At a plated dinner, ask what they are hoping the dessert turns out to be.
The couple
Which of them did you meet first, and what did you make of them?
Why ask it
The version of 'how do you know the couple' that produces a story rather than a job title. It also works on people who have known one half since childhood, who otherwise get stuck giving a one-word answer.
What did you think when you heard they were getting engaged?
Why ask it
Few people say they were surprised, and that is fine: what comes back is a small scene, where they were, who told them, what they said. A scene is easier to tell than an opinion.
What is your favourite memory with either of them?
Why ask it
A staple of wedding films and guest books for good reason: everyone has one and nobody minds being asked. Push gently for the where and when, because 'too many to choose from' usually means they have not picked one yet.
What is something about them that most people here would not know?
Why ask it
An invitation to say something warm and specific: the marathon one of them ran, the letters they wrote in the year they lived apart. Old friends tend to answer it better than family, who default to the approved version. If the answer heads for an ex or a wild night, laugh and change the subject.
When did you realise the two of them were serious?
Why ask it
This gets you a specific moment rather than a summary: the holiday nobody was invited on, the way one of them started talking about the other. Ask a relative and a friend and you are likely to hear two different turning points.
Were you around when they first met, or did you hear about it afterwards?
Why ask it
Every couple has an official version of how they met, and somebody at the wedding remembers it differently. A guest who was in the room that night will tell it better than either of the pair. Everyone else can tell you how the news reached them.
What is the funniest thing you have seen either of them do?
Why ask it
The answer you want is one both of them would laugh at if they walked up halfway through. If the guest glances round the table before starting, it is probably a story for another night, with fewer grandparents in earshot.
How would you describe each of them in three words?
Why ask it
Short enough to answer with a glass in one hand. The fun is in the comparison: ask two friends separately, see whether a word comes up twice, then tell the couple which one it was.
What changed in your friend after the two of them got together?
Why ask it
Close friends notice the small shifts first: someone started cooking, turned up on time, stopped checking a phone at dinner. Keep the tone admiring. Asked with a raised eyebrow, it invites a grumble about the friend who vanished.
What have you spotted today that they clearly got from their parents?
Why ask it
A wedding is often the first time friends see the parents, and the resemblance is hard to miss: a laugh, a way of telling a story, a dance move. Stick to the flattering inheritances, since the parents may be at the next table.
What are the two of them like on an ordinary evening at home?
Why ask it
Only someone who has slept in their spare room can answer this, and the answer, who cooks, who falls asleep in front of the television, is often the most affectionate thing said all day. From an acquaintance you will get a polite blank, which tells you to change direction.
What do you think makes the two of them work?
Why ask it
Guests answer this about the couple and end up describing what they themselves value in a partner. If the answer is all about one of the pair, the guest knows that one far better, so ask for stories about them instead.
After dinner
How did you two get together?
Why ask it
For the pair sitting across from you, on a day when everyone is already thinking about how couples start. Watch who tells it and who corrects the details. Be sure they are a couple before you ask: guessing wrong about two friends, or a brother and sister, is hard to recover from.
What was the last wedding you went to, and what do you still remember about it?
Why ask it
People tend to recall one moment and nothing about the decoration: a speech that ran long, a song, a marquee in a storm. If you are planning a wedding of your own, that pattern is worth noticing.
What is the best wedding speech you have ever heard?
Why ask it
People remember a speech by one line or by how badly it went, and both make good telling. It is useful research if you are due to speak at a wedding yourself. Wait until today's speakers are out of earshot.
Have you picked up any ideas today that you would use yourself?
Why ask it
Aimed at engaged or recently married guests, and it turns the conversation outward rather than making it an interrogation about their own plans. Avoid it entirely with anyone who has been asked all day when their turn is.
What is the best thing anyone ever told you about living with another person?
Why ask it
Better than asking for marriage advice, because it does not assume the guest is married and does not invite the tired lines about a happy wife. The practical answers, about money, chores and silence, are the ones worth remembering.
If you are married, what surprised you about the first year?
Why ask it
The conditional opening matters: it lets an unmarried, divorced or widowed guest step out without explaining themselves. The answers worth hearing are small and domestic, whose family gets December, whose name goes on the bills, and more honest than the toast version.
What are you glad you did at your own wedding, and what would you skip?
Why ask it
For guests who have already mentioned their own wedding, never as a guess. The second half is the useful one, and people share it readily: the spending, the length of the day, the friends they never got to speak to.
What nearly went wrong today that the rest of us never noticed?
Why ask it
One for the bridesmaids, the ushers and the parents once the formal part is over and they can finally laugh about it. There is always something: a missing ring, a late car, a zip. Keep it away from the couple unless you know it ended well.
What is the kindest thing either of them has done for you?
Why ask it
Slower and more searching than the story questions, so save it for later in the evening. It draws out the thing the guest most wants the couple to know, sometimes a favour the couple has forgotten doing.
What do you hope is still true about them in twenty years?
Why ask it
Guests reach for a specific trait, the way one of them tells a story, how they are with their parents, rather than a general wish. It works well with people who are visibly fond of the couple but not talkative.
Who do you wish you had spent more time with today?
Why ask it
No other day puts so many people you like in one room and then gives you ten minutes with each. If the answer is an old friend at a far table, offer to walk over with them: crossing a dance floor alone may be all that stopped them.
Is there anything you still want to say to them before you go?
Why ask it
A closing question that assumes there was more to say than the receiving line allowed. It often sends the guest off to say it while the couple are still in the room, which is the best possible result of asking.
For hosts
Are you being looked after, and have you had enough to eat?
Why ask it
The host's question, and the one guests remember being asked. It surfaces problems you can still fix, such as a vegetarian meal that never arrived or a grandparent sitting in a draught. Know who you can hand the problem to, because you will be pulled away within a minute.
Have you met everyone at your table yet?
Why ask it
You wrote the seating plan, so you know why these people were put together; tell them. One sentence linking two guests, the same town, the same job, the same football team, does more than an hour of them guessing.
How was the journey, and is your room all right?
Why ask it
For the guests who travelled, who gave up a weekend and a fare to be there and notice when the couple remember it. If something is wrong with the room, hand it to a parent, the planner or the venue's coordinator. It is not a problem to solve in your wedding clothes.
What has been happening with you since we last saw each other?
Why ask it
Guests will spend the whole day talking about you unless you turn it round. One question about the move, the new job or the baby tells them they were invited for themselves. Stay with news you already know is good.
What have I missed today that I would want to hear about?
Why ask it
The couple see less of their own wedding than most of their guests do: the drinks hour goes to photographs and half the dancing to goodbyes. Guests enjoy being the one to report back, and what they tell you is rarely in the pictures.
Have we managed a photo together yet?
Why ask it
Guests rarely like to ask the couple for a picture, and a photographer's shot list is mostly family groups. Asking it yourself takes a few seconds at each table and gets you the pictures with your friends in them.
Will you be around tomorrow morning?
Why ask it
Plenty of guests will be gone before breakfast, and it helps to know which. It lets you spend tonight's few minutes on the people who are leaving and save the long catch-up for those who are staying.
Guest book
What is your wish for the two of them?
Why ask it
The plainest guest book prompt, and one that suits every guest from a colleague to a grandmother. On camera, ask people to say it to the couple and not to you: 'I hope you' sounds far better played back than 'I hope they'.
What one piece of advice would you give them?
Why ask it
Expect a lot of 'never go to bed angry', so ask for advice the guest has tested personally. The cards worth keeping are oddly specific: separate duvets, a standing Friday dinner, who drives on holiday.
What should they do on their first anniversary?
Why ask it
A prompt with a date on it gives the cards a second life: seal them and open them a year on. Suggestions tend to run from the restaurant of the first date to a weekend back at the venue, and reading them is an anniversary plan in itself.
What is a date night they should try this year?
Why ask it
This one works better as a jar of slips than as a book, so the couple can draw one out on a dull Tuesday. Ask for ideas that cost very little. A newly married couple has often just spent its restaurant budget for the year.
Where in the world should they go together?
Why ask it
Guests answer with the place they loved most themselves, so each card says as much about the writer as about the destination. Ask them to add one thing to do there, or the couple ends up with a stack of cards that all say Italy.
What do you predict for their first year of marriage?
Why ask it
Predictions are easier to write than advice and more fun to read back. Guests guess at a dog, a house move, who will give in over the thermostat. Word the card so it does not invite guesses about babies, which not every couple wants to read.
What song will always make you think of them?
Why ask it
Collect the answers and you have a playlist nobody could have planned, with a reason attached to each track. It suits an audio guest book especially well, since a guest who will not sing a line may still hum it.
What do you want them to remember about today?
Why ask it
The couple will remember the vows and lose a good deal of the rest, and guests know it. Their answers record the small things: who danced with whom, what the weather did, what a nephew said during the quiet part of the ceremony.
RSVP
Can you come, and who will be with you?
Why ask it
The two facts every other plan hangs on, and your caterer and venue will want a final number by a date they set. Ask for names in place of a number, so that a reply saying 'two' does not turn out to mean a guest and somebody you have never met.
Is there anything you cannot eat, whether for allergy, diet or faith?
Why ask it
One line covers all three as long as guests say which it is, because a kitchen handles an allergy differently from a preference. Pass the answers on in the guests' own words, and ask your caterer how early they need them.
Which song will get you dancing?
Why ask it
The one question on a reply form that people enjoy filling in. A song that three households ask for is the one to hold back for when the floor empties, and the whole list shows the DJ or band the ages in the room before they arrive.
Which parts of the weekend can you join us for?
Why ask it
Only needed when there is more than the wedding day: welcome drinks, a rehearsal dinner, a breakfast afterwards. Say next to each one who is invited, because guests otherwise assume the smaller events are for family and stay away.
How are you getting to the venue, and could you use a lift?
Why ask it
It finds the guests who do not drive and the older relatives who would never ask. Often the fix is pairing them with someone coming from the same town, which costs nothing. If a lot of people say yes, that is your case for hiring a coach.
Is there anything about getting around the venue that we should plan for?
Why ask it
Stairs, gravel, a long walk from the car park and a lawn in heels are things you know about and your guests do not. Describe the ground in a line beside the question, and people will tell you what they need without having to explain why.
Talking to people at a wedding
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
What actually works in the room
Ask the question the room allows
Standing with a drink before the meal, people can manage two or three exchanges before someone moves. Seated at dinner, you have an hour with the same two neighbours. Save anything slow for the table and keep the standing conversations short and light.
Let the couple be pulled away
If you are talking to the bride or groom, expect the conversation to end mid-sentence, and do not start something that needs a proper answer. Say the one thing you came to say early rather than building up to it.
If it is your wedding, go to them
Many guests will not interrupt the couple, so anyone you do not visit may go home without a word from you. Going table to table between courses, with one of the questions for hosts at each, covers the room without a receiving line and gives every guest their minute.
Find the person on their own
Most weddings have a guest standing at the edge of the room: a partner who knows nobody, an elderly relative, someone who arrived late. Ten minutes with them is worth more than working the whole room, and they will remember it.
Follow the detail, not the topic
When someone mentions a place, a job or a person, ask about that rather than moving to your next question. A list of good questions asked in order still feels like a form; one question followed properly turns into a conversation.
Give your own answer too
Reciprocating after two or three questions keeps it from becoming an interview. If you are asking about first impressions or regrets, be ready to go first.
Questions to leave alone
- When are you two getting married. It gets asked at most weddings and is rarely welcome, and now and then it lands on a couple who have just broken up.
- Anything about children, planned or absent. You cannot know what is behind the answer, and a wedding table is no place to find out.
- Who paid for what, or what any of it cost. Guests do not know, and asking puts the couple's finances into the room.
- Comparisons with another wedding, especially a sibling's or an ex's.
- Politics and work grievances, both of which travel quickly around a table and are hard to leave.
- Anything about a divorce, a death or an absence unless the guest raises it first, and then follow their lead on how much to say.
Reading the answers
A short answer is information
If someone gives you two words about how they know the couple, they may be a colleague, a plus-one, or somebody attending out of obligation. Move to the venue, the journey, or the food rather than pressing for the story.
Watch which name comes first
Guests usually name the person they are closer to before the other. It tells you which stories to ask for and stops you asking a groom's colleague about the bride's childhood.
Notice who has not spoken
At a table of eight, two people often carry the conversation. Directing one easy question at whoever has been quiet, ideally a factual one, can change the table for the rest of the meal.
Guest book, cards and camera
Pick two or three prompts
A guest with a pen and a queue behind them will answer one question well or five badly. Print two or three of the guest book prompts on the cards or the sign, and leave a blank side for anyone who would rather write their own message.
On camera, ask for a full sentence
If the answers are going to be cut into a film, the person asking will not be heard. Ask guests to start with the question itself, 'My wish for you both is', so each clip makes sense alone, and record somewhere away from the speakers.
Let people say no
Some guests dread a lens or a microphone. Offer the card instead and move on: a reluctant twenty seconds is no use to the couple, and it spoils that guest's evening.
Before the day: the RSVP and what guests ask you
Ask only what somebody will use
Every extra line on a reply form is one more reason for it to sit unanswered. Keep the practical questions to those a caterer, a venue or whoever is drawing up the seating plan will act on, and allow yourself one for fun. Your venue and caterer will tell you what else they need to know and by what date.
Answer the guests' questions first
The questions run both ways. Put the answers to these on the invitation or the wedding website, and the replies come back with fewer messages attached.
- What should I wear, and is any of the day outdoors?
- Can I bring someone, and are children invited?
- What time does it start, and when does it end?
- Where do I park, and is there somewhere to stay nearby?
- Is there a gift list?
A sequence that works, from invitation to last dance
- 1With the invitation: the RSVP questions, kept to what the caterer, the venue and the seating plan need.
- 2During drinks: how they know the couple, whether they have come far, what they made of the ceremony, whether they know anyone here.
- 3Early in the meal: first impressions, the engagement, a favourite memory, the funniest thing they have seen either of them do.
- 4Once the plates are cleared: what makes the couple work, how the pair opposite met, what surprised them about their own marriage.
- 5Later in the evening, and only with people you have got on with: the kindest thing the couple has done, what they hope is still true in twenty years.
- 6Before you leave: whether there is anything they still want to say to the couple, which often sends them off to say it.